sashaablr

Lookin'to the world like a man on a mission

[sashaablr]

,A tiny war inside'

[sashaablr]

More On Trauma_

I breathe danger,

A danger that isn't even here,

I have never cared for my world to be real.

I seem to like being safely surrounded with fear, hope, floating desires

(True or imagined)

It's a fun bubble that I know well.

Broken mind, call it that, it seems the lens is cracked,

Never cared too much,

I've always thought of the omniscient as delusional,

I stay in delusion while accepting it as such.

Don't judge, just try it,

You'll see that reality is a fragile thing to handle

And I'm a master of illusion,

Deluding myself only,

Opening myself up to things of the real only when I'm ready for them.

I know everything, as well as nothing,

I own both sides of the spectrum and mix the shades to my convenience

I call it the Growth Liquor,

And I invented it the first time my mind ever split.

[sashaablr]

The Road Is Only Paved For Some

29. VIII. 2020

My Ego thinks it's my Higher Self

A confounded, compounded personality won't take me anywhere,

Or might it ?

Miracles happen

I've stumbled through life before

Laughed at the nonsenses of existence,

Been good even when I didn't know what it meant,

Cried over things I didn't understand yet deeply felt...

I cracked my soul open a few times, tried to look into it,

find a meaning,

a reason,

the answer to unspoken questions, or a hint at least

I only found things that blurred the sense even more

Confused, but that's okay,

I've learned to advance in the dark

When words don't make sense and you're lost in a bottomless fog

I've learned to take my fears as they are, and let myself feel threatened

For it only means I've got something valuable to lose.

I've learned that family isn't always the safest place,

But that it can be.

I've learned the difference between black and white,

And experienced the in-between.

I drowned in the endlessness of my potential,

Found that even entangled in a web of sticky criticism, I could feel joy,

because there was room for the better.

I killed spiders on impulse and loved myself despite,

Destroyed my health, in the least creative ways - just to see what'd happen

And though the fog only seems to be getting thicker over time,

I've found that it makes more room for the impossible to happen.

You can honour the places your bones broke

You can choose to let the thunder shake you down and feel proud of that electric body of yours

Too many answers to too many questions for our minds to comprehend

You can stumble through life like I do.

It's fun, I promise.

When the flames mercilessly consume what's no longer needed

And you keep your eyes open, to see through the smoke despite the pain,

And you feel powerful, so, so powerful

When the past is finally sanitized and you find access to parts of you you couldn't touch before,

Then, even running away starts making sense,

And you've unlocked a new level to you,

One where you don't need the shame to keep you together.

Taste the fun.

Feel that wind in your hair.

You tell me, did you like it ?

[sashaablr]

Here is your princess

Letting them win for now

My artificial heart

Scored some pity points

[sashaablr]

Tell my head to Shut up_ (finally)

my aura craves goodness,

it just wants to stop feeling so goddamn bad all the time

like man, I'm not a bad person.

the problem is, if i convince you it still won't convince me,

haha.

there's a nice party going on in my head

my crown chakra sometimes throws in some spiritual confetti at my anxiety twerking on the depression floor

the nervous beat of the music isn't even pleasant (it never was, really) but hell, it's loud, bitch

a year of silence wouldn't make up for the damage done to the heartbroken girls who are crying in the bathroom

so sometimes i drug the party a little,

you know, throw in some chemicals to make hell a little more fun

it's a party after all.

[sashaablr]

Private Haunted House

Angry at life,

Spitting venom,

Poison all over my mind's walls

Enter at your own risk;

'Cause something will be destroyed as you come in.

Seeing my mess is a responsibility

Don't enter me like a child enters a haunted house,

For the challenge.

Haunted houses demand respect.

What died inside their walls wasn't worthless

It wasn't meaningless enough to deserve childish behaviour in return.

Handle with care.

Don't violate my privacy for fun.

[sashaablr]

Maybe this disease can cure us.

[sashaablr]

6/06 2002

Heaven died when I was 8

All my homes had heavy air

The walls don't talk to me anymore

Yet I still think in the strangest patterns

Different cities

Different countries

It's 2020 and I lost my appetite for people.

I'm a loner,

And it is a mystery

Whether I am looking for the same as I am or its exact opposite.

Talk to me and I'll suspect your motives

Excuse myself

And bye felicia.

I'm cursed honey.

[sashaablr]

Borderline II.

Trying so hard to be these perfect idols,

Blinded by their promises you admit it's a facade

But no one can stop you from trying, can they ?

Pretty, a teen with no personality

You want to be good but sometimes good's not enough.

[sashaablr]

Illusions de Grandeur

[sashaablr]

,Don't reopen what's been buried.'

But isn't it why we buried it in the first place ?

To reopen it later ?

When all of this is over,

When the time is right,

When we're ready for the same storm to hit again

- Don't we all have our Pandora's box

[sashaablr]

Unfinished poem,

25. August 2019_

my universe is collapsing from the inside

and i am watching silently these towns I've been building for seventeen years

collapsing one into another

destroying each other reaction after action.

the sound of skyscrapers hitting the ground is loud and yet silenced by my indifference

and i somehow accord more importance to the tear that drops on the ground

than to the work of my life being inevitably erased,

leaving no trace of its existence.

no one will ever know I've been

no one will ever remember I've lived

no one will ever think I'm a loss

no one will

[sashaablr]

Sunsets,

not people.

[sashaablr]

Borderline

life's a crazy train and mine's all off the rails

no control whatsoever and time's going forward

it's terrifying to be the furthest you've ever been

to know that you write the future

i don't want to be one more in my country's suicide rate

but in the people with my condition

only 9 out of ten make it

i hate to ask but what happens with those who don't survive suicide ?

were they sure enough ?

would they have killed if they hadn't died ?

would they have lived if they hadn't died ?

what's the fullest you can live your life to ?

isn't it exactly this ?

crying from joy, dying from pain

do I get to experience the in-between ? or is this rollercoaster everlasting ?

I wouldn't ask if I didn't have to

But wouldn't I still hurt if the choice was mine ?

The low points teach and the light ones show us why learn

So would I give up on hell, if I knew stairway to heaven can only be an ascending road ?

Would I be content with comfortable ?

Hitting rock bottom should mean no further fall is allowed

That it's not a question of possible.

Yet life taught us

That the real question is where are you heading to,

And if you're headed nowhere,

are you ready to suffer

the deadly habits you infuse your morning coffee with.

[sashaablr]

Waking up before dawn in Prague can bring the best views ever.

So if you ever wonder why is this city so magical...

[sashaablr]

XXI : The Fool

lost in a forest fire

we're training to get better

running far away from what's feeding on our souls

this emptiness inside us is what binds us all.

in the journey this life is

we embrace when the mess hits

creator of your own hell look up to me

our skin torn by the wind

we're far from fixed.

tryna stretch time by putting my cigarette away

let's fool ourselves for too long again.

let's fool our hearts enough to laugh again,

let's fool our mouths until we feel like we've finally found each other,

let's fool and numb our mouths

get high on the world

'til the Wheel of Fortune throws us out of our own game.

but this loop is eternal, so i guess see you at my funeral

we'll play hide and seek between the graves

losing our patience we'll curse with our own names

we'll listen to the children screaming, a mad beaming on our face

the happy boy won't be sad anymore,

we'll scream we did this, feelings are no more.

far from fixed

tryna stretch the time

by throwing drugs into the mix

let's fool ourselves for too long again

'cause we can't save the world can we ?

let's fool our hearts enough to laugh again

let's fool our mouths until we feel like we've finally found each other

let's fool ourselves enough to love again

let's fool our mouths and let's get high on this dirt.

we're wounded soldiers in a foreign fight

we don't understand each other enough to be the light

we know our flaws and we know we're weak

so just let us play our hide and seek.

is it okay to cry again ?

it's not our fault if we lost count

let us collapse on the shifting ground

lost in concepts we can't name

we let silence take the blame

we've lost balance a long time ago.

[sashaablr]