Sasha

half in the mind of God, half in the ache of becoming— I would find you there, and exhale my being into your forming.

[tethered-heartstrings]

[protectionsquad24601]

- Marcel Proust, Swann's Way

[sashaxoxo02]

In his absence I dwell in an eternal winter. This marrow-deep cold that is unbroken by the torrid weight of his body.

[sashaxoxo02]

my darling boy, for how long will you be mine?

[sashaxoxo02]

The simultaneous want to eroticize his pain and heal him

[metamorphesque]

At Sunset, Alphonse Osbert

[sashaxoxo02]

He reads Lolita to me nightly until I fall asleep

[sashaxoxo02]

I’ve been saying this for many years

[sawasawako-archived]

“It was around then that I realized for the first time that falling in love is like being haunted. Even before I opened my eyes in the morning, you would slip in under my eyelids. When I opened them, you instantly transferred to the ceiling, the wardrobe, the windowpane, the street, the far-off sky, and glimmered there like dappled light. You haunted me more persistently than I imagine any ghost ever could.”

– Greek Lessons, Han Kang, trans. Deborah Smith and Emily Yae Won

[sashaxoxo02]

He entered my mind with such tender insistence that it seemed to sigh open for him, yielding more with each gentle breach

[sashaxoxo02]

he understands me like no one in this world ever will

[metamorphesque]

It’s strange to think that long before I had a name or a heartbeat, I existed in some shadowed, elemental way. Women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have, and these begin forming while they're still in the womb. So when my mother was just a fetus, the egg that would become me was already inside her. That means my grandmother carried not just my mother, but the beginning of me as well. For a fleeting moment, the three of use shared one body, and went through life together, layered like nesting dolls.

[sashaxoxo02]

I yearn for his gentleness but a part of me also wants to experience this

[sashaxoxo02]

the most beautiful woman to me

[sashaxoxo02]

I love the boy whose softness undoes me.

Though time has placed him just ahead of me, he’s strangely pliant.

There’s a tremble in him when we are entangled, He rests his head in my lap as if cradled by origin,

slipping into sleep

my little baby

Sometimes, he mouths at me

as if recalling the earliest hunger.

[sashaxoxo02]

I love my Russian boy

[sashaxoxo02]

I hate that you touched her

were inside of her

GROSS!

you are meant for me and me only