I missed out on a lot. My late teens are gone and I’m a young adult now. I never got to grieve those years I had to say in complete isolation because of my immune system— the world just started up again, some people never stopped living and doing things. I’ve had friend, or people I thought were friends, abandon me because I didn’t finish high school physically with them.
I never realized how fragile my relationships were until I saw them going out and doing things later on in the pandemic without asking me out. I caught COVID anyways after lockdown and it wrecked me. I already had POTS and ever since I caught COVID that first time my brain fog has gotten literally debilitating. I was wondering why I kept forgetting how to do things I know I can do or just straight up don’t things wrong that I’d normally have no problems with.
My brain fog has aggravated my dyslexia and furthermore aggravated what I assume is my undiagnosed dyscalculia. Back when I was younger I was diagnosed with dyslexia for read and math, gotta love the American education system✨
Anyways, I just feel so fucking helpless all the time and then, of course there’s my depression, I’m defeated because of my brain fog and then there’s the fast pace of college that I knew I wasn’t mentally well enough to handle but had to do something besides stay home. I can’t drive due to my condition every time I go to get my driving part of my exam something takes me out. It’s either my anxiety is particularly crippling, my body failing me to the point my doctors general don’t know what’s going on, my instructor is booked, she’s off, she’s out!
When I was sixteen COVID was still raging and perceived as a threat so I couldn’t take my driver’s ed class at my high school.
I’m just tired… so fucking tired of having to pretend to be okay to functionally in society. I lost three fucking years off my life! I’ve lost friends because of my isolation, I’ve lost valuable precious time, I lost my opportunities, I gained so much more anxiety! No one should have to suffer in silence to benefit those around them but I did!
My friends got tired of me being disabled and immunocompromised so they left and moved on with their lives. I faded into obscurity to the point when I was on id the last people still doing online classes THEY KICKED ME OUT OF MY SCHOOL ANS ENROLLED ME IN A ONLINE SCHOOL! I got my diploma and graduated from that high school that treated me like shit. They would never tell online kids about events like prom or homecoming you had to physically go to school to know when those would happen. I was fucked over advising wise— no one gave me my options and my fucking town is practically a cult so everyone was saying stay in state, go to the college up the road, the community college down the road is great!
I know college out of state is expensive but my advisors were supposed to help me find scholarships to the schools I wanted to go to! That had programs I was interested in! I didn’t even bother applying out of state because of my health, one minute I’m infantilized the next I’m told to suck it up. I believe this state is killing me and COVID showed me that… the past few years it hasn’t gotten better for me as trans person either. I feel so stuck and drowned out. I live a comfortable existence is this town I hate, but am I living? Am I doing what want to do? No. My mind is slipping and I don’t have the will to keep remembering how to do the things I love… I have to just do something, anything to make me feel normal again— how I felt before COVID…
I’m so fucking confused, I’ve transed my gender just to be a femboy— man, being transmasc is hard. I just want to be a pretty little alt femguy! You know, wear nail polish and shit and be hyper fem but as guy😀✌🏽💅🏽
Genuinely, I respect people who parent and parent well through the fuck ups. Me— personally, I’d have to tap out within the first two months of the gig.
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