TRIGGER WARNING; grooming, child abuse, self harm, NOT A SHIP, mentions of suicide
Young boys get brought to the Fortification Hill to be trained and brainwashed to a certain extent until they eventually start worshipping their master as years go by. The first thing was to isolate them anyway.
(early stage childhood trauma)
No one was brought there with their guardian, so maternal love wasn't an option, especially considering the unfortunate circumstances of finding yourself out in a field mostly designed for violence and no room for coddling. Vulpes wanted to be a shark in a fish pond, he needed to prove himself worthy in some way. Although that was everyone's motive at the time, not just his, but he needs to show Caesar what makes him so special apart from the rest, even after being taken away from his tribe. But yet again, does he have the right to think so highly of himself, or does worth come from another person's perspective? It takes time to build a body and a mind after all.
(Own worth being only defined by others and not himself. If not by others, might swing between narcissism to low self worth. This comes later in life. Caesars only requirement is that value starts with his expectations being met first.)
Very few there were fortuane enough to not develop the sort of a complicated challenge growing up. Everyone seemed to process things a lot more quickly and came out stable in the process, groomed to believe that it's not as bad as they think, and that their whole existence should only revolve around worshipping the same man that isolated them. However, Vulpes managed to take his feelings and bury them deep within himself, not because he's scared of showing any bits of anger and aggression, but because he never noticed that he's doing that to begin with and shakes it off as something like the ordinary.
(watch out because this is also apart of a coping mechanism that usually comes from unresolved emotional invalidation. Think of it as the mind protecting itself, or preparing itself for the absolute worst. I like to think Vulpes was a very emotional kid before he was brought to the camp).
That feeling of chronic emptiness in his chest that was constantly storming, yet it became all natural.
The signs are very vague, not much was showing on the surface level, however, most of his tantrums were handled privately.
Objects would fly across the war tent, his hands constant reaching out towards his head cause of the intensity of his headache, but it was no use trying to calm it down without any chems. Next thing you'd see is a little boy, curling up on the floor, one hand curling into a fits, hitting himself against the head repeatedly with brutal force. To think this is only because the person he looks up started to act cold towards him, even after all those times of being praised for doing such a great job. He thought he was gonna get discarded.
General headcanons (This applies for when he's in a relationship/friendship situation. Often times someone with BPD doesn't have to be in a relationship for them to experience these things. They could get attached to their colleague, best friend, brother, sister, etc etc...)
He learned that he couldn't afford showing his feelings to anyone, especially Caesar who can't tolerate it, not even one second. At the end of the day, emotions are much more scarier than death, despite experiencing your whole life walking like a ghost. There's just simply nothing there anymore.
Borderline personality disorder isn't really the same for everyone. For Vulpes, I'd be quick to give him petulant/quiet BPD. Especially since 99% of the time, men with this disorder get misdiagnosed with ASPD or NPD or paranoid personality disorder. Not saying this is the case for Vulpes, but many would say otherwise..
- He doesn't believe a word you say.
Naturally he doesn't need anyone's approval nor does he need anyone complimenting him. He doesn't believe nor trust any of it anyway.
The only approval that seems to only matter is from Caesar. Anyone else is a complete liar.
- He'll get up all in your face, not afraid to invade your personal space if you upset him in any way. (Splitting)
This is more of a headcanon inspired when I was playing fnv and I got to Nipton with Vulpes as my companion, and he walked up towards me (too close for comfort btw like all up in my face) and he said "Take your time, enjoy the sights" after that I was like "woah.."
- If you're someone who's really close to Vulpes somehow, I'm sorry to say this, but you'll be the one hurt in this situation before you can ever hurt him. Just a few weeks you guys are unstoppable together, genuine friendship and brotherhood. The next, you can barely get a word out of him.
He's been betrayed before, he'll carry that kind of pain till death.
Don't try to convince him that you won't do the same. No amount of reassurance can fix what happened to him and no matter how much you try to sugar-coat it, you're talking to a brick wall.
- momentarily dissociation.
Whenever he's by himself, he has a tendency to dissociate. His eyes are looking at the map, hands fidgeting with a pen very slowly.
He's been having sleep paralysis a lot lately.
Every night he wakes up lying on his back. It's always that position. He never woke up in a position where he's lying on his sides, no, it's always on his back.
- Hallucinations (splitting)
I have this vision of Vulpes often seeing things that aren't there— often shadow figures.
Anytime he encounters these kinds of things, he immediately reaches out for his weapon just to realise that no one is there.
Or maybe when he's alone in his war tent, where he often times hears a voice. Vulpes would try to talk to it and the voice would always reply back in a dismissive tone, as if trying to start some form of conflicting discussion with Vulpes. Often times these are the voices of people he once knew in his past, he still somehow remembers the sound of their voice..
-extreme loyalty to one person (+ or few people)
Like I mentioned before in the title, Vulpes takes inconsideration very personally. He's spent his whole life with loyalty engraved into his blood. Once he sets his mind into one person, he's never gonna leave their side.
However, when finding out about Caesars death, he didn't seem to show much emotion, but he did feel like his whole purpose was slowly fading away.
That reminds me when a favourite person leaves their partner/friend with BPD and everything goes silent for the person with BPD until they decide to kill themselves one random Tuesday. I personally believe Vulpes committed suicide after that, considering that Legate Lanius wouldn't need him.
But also, Caesar doesn't seem to have much of a problem with immediately replacing Vulpes after he's been brutally killed by the courier, so...ouch..
Talk about being a disposable pawn.
- Idolising Vs Devaluing
Mentioning before how Vulpes is easy to replace, that's actually his worst fear amongst anything. I like to think when this does occur, Vulpes can find himself noticing a few flaws that he rarely mentions because he doesn't want to lose the only person that raised him into becoming the best(worst) version of himself.
(he can't admit that he's losing every bit of his last nerve when he's around Caesar because Vulpes is basically the backbone of this whole camp. Being the youngest has his pros and cons.)
Well, despite all these traits, Vulpes still remains good at his job either way. Because it's the only thing he's ever been known for and it's probably the only thing he'll ever know how to do due to the situation he was placed in when he was a kid.
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I'm gonna leave this one for now cause it's now day 2 as I'm writing this. My commission box is open if y'all ever need anything Vulpes related!
I love y'all xoxo
Additional note; there's so much to BPD than what I mentioned in this writing. BPD is apart of the cluster B personality disorder, those who suffer with BPD may find it hard to maintain stable relationships with friends or partners. I just wanna let you know that you are creative, empathetic, artistic and hard working and no you are not hard to love <3 let's heal together.
Disclaimer: I am not romanticising BPD nor am I trying to make it seem "silly". I am aware that this mental illness is serious, I am aware of the conditions and the pain that comes with suffering with BPD because I myself suffer with BPD.
This is a personal headcanon of mine that I wish to just pass to another character. If you don't like this headcanon, that is completely okay.
