Life.

Nobody in their twenties knows what they’re doing.

[secretlylo-blog]

2017

Let’s just reflect on 2017 real quick.

It was a crazy year for me.

I got engaged. 💍

I cut out my toxic friends 🙅🏼‍♀️

I finished my first year of teaching 📚

I traveled to Arizona, Oklahoma, and North Carolina ✈️ all multiple times to spend quality time with loved ones. 💕

I faced my anxiety head on, talked to a professional, and started medication that’s right for me 👊🏼

I planned a wedding in 3 months with the help of the most supportive family 👰🏼🤵🏽

I married my best friend 💏

I said see you later as I watched my new husband, and forever best friend, leave on his first deployment. 👋🏼

I struggled with depression through my first month apart. 🙇🏼‍♀️

Bring on 2️⃣0️⃣1️⃣8️⃣

I know it won’t be easy, I know it will bring it’s own challenges. Over half the year will be spent without my husband by my side, and at least 3 of those months will be away from my family as a make a cross country move.

Here’s to starting a new life, and conquering the hardships that may come with it.

[secretlylo-blog]

I can win.

I will not let my anxiety win. It will not define me, and I will over come this horrible disease. Starting medication for something that has defined my life for so long makes this thing so much more real. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I cannot fight this alone. I was ashamed and embarrassed for so long. Making every moment that much harder. I have gotten so good at faking a smile, making an excuse, and playing the part that everybody has created for me. This week I experienced a feeling I had almost forgotten existed. I was happy, I was awake. I had spent days after a panic attack tired and on edge. Then one day I work up. The feeling was unparalleled. I had almost forgot what it was like to feel happy. To be awake and aware of the world around me. I clung to that feeling, and it lasted. I almost had a week of freedom. But here I am at 11:30pm and I can’t sleep. I can’t turn my brain off. And all I want is to escape this feeling.

[secretlylo-blog]

Yikes!

That moment when you open up about your anxiety to somebody you trust, and they just stop responding.... then your anxiety goes into over drive thinking about the judgment they're passing. Yikes.

[secretlylo-blog]

You only fall in love with 3 people in your life...

1. High school fairy tale love. In this love how the world sees you is more important, than how you really feel. 2. Hard love. To teach you lessons, to teach you pain. High levels of drama that keep you addicted to the rush. The love you wish was right. 3. The love you never see coming. This love isn't planned, and often seems all wrong. But the pieces fit, and you're finally allowed to be the true you.

[secretlylo-blog]

For you.

I have a book trilogy written about a life I could have. A me that could have been roaming this world for the past nine years. It's hard to read the books, it's harder to not read them.

[secretlylo-blog]

When I knew you couldn't hear I whispered softly "I love you" and I knew then that you were the one.

[wnq-writers]

And I didn’t know back then that you are one of the people I’ll never stop missing.

whatwordsmisssheis (via wnq-writers)

[secretlylo-blog]

My family has this joke, my famous line is “we’re done”. When I’m fed up with people, or a situation I simply say “we’re done” and put my hand up. I never knew I did it so much until they started joking about it. I do find it pretty amusing, and have started playing along. Today I make the joke serious as I say “I’m done” with shit people. I’m tired of being dragged along by people who say they’re my friend. If we were truly friends I shouldn’t be finding out about your major life events on Facebook, and you shouldn’t be skipping my major life events, birthdays and graduations, without as much as a happy word my way the day of the event.  

I’m no longer apart of her world, and it kills me. It hurts so bad to think of a life without her by my side. I think it hurts more to keep trying to keep her in my life. Living with the disappointment every time I invite her anywhere is like reopening the same scar time after time. She will always be the center of her own world, and for that I am truly sorry. I’m sorry for the  friendships she will let slip away, and I’m sorry for everything she will miss out on. I wish for her to one day step outside her own world, and start to enjoy a world that doesn’t revolve around her, because that world is far more beautiful and full of life. 

[secretlylo-blog]

The ones who matter are the ones who stay.

[secretlylo-blog]

Seeking Change.

I have body image issues. As much as I wish I didn’t, I do. I’m twenty three years old, I know size is just a number; yet, I’m always defining myself about the size of clothing. I compare myself to others when I know very well that comparing myself to others will always lead to judgements and negative thoughts. I know I have this problem, so why am I unable to stop these thoughts, and feelings. I preach happy thoughts of self image to my friends, and my students. Somehow I still find myself neglecting to take my own advice. These problems are all in my head, and yet I seek affirmation from others. I rarely view myself as good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. I want to, but I don’t know how to change my mind to accept that I am enough. 

[secretlylo-blog]

Anxiety.

Today I freaked out. Today my anxiety got the best of me. I'm typically an outgoing friendly person. Today I had a break down, and let my anxiety take over. I felt it creeping up, like how the sun slowly descends and turns day into night. But some how I blinked, and it was night. My anxiety had taken over my life, and I didn't know how to handle the situation anymore. With about 20 people in my apartment, and not knowing about 15 of them I had nowhere to hide. I was a typical deer in the headlights. I'm breathing normal yet can't catch my breath at the same time. I'm flooded with emotions I can't comprehend. Finding my way to my room I don't bother to turn the lights on, or even shut the door. The darkness is a reprieve from the commotion 5 feet away from me. I don't realize I'm crying until I'm confronted by my roommates, which was probably only 5 minutes later but felt like 50. So now here I lay alone in bed with a chest tightly knotted being pulled in every direction. My head full of every possible horrible situation, and yet completely empty. The consecutive feeling to want to throw up and sleep, but the inability to do either. The want to be alone, but also have somebody here who understands. The desperate want to be normal, and not have these feelings. This problem. This is my anxiety.

[secretlylo-blog]

Post Grad

The anxiety is real. The stress is real. Why did I want to rush towards this as a child? I wish I could spend my days napping, and playing imaginary games outside with my neighbors. Instead my life is now paying bills, driving to and from work, and of course actually working. Currently searching for the silver lining in this storm cloud of my post grad life.

[secretlylo-blog]

The fact that a size 6 is considered fat, is truly disgusting.

[secretlylo-blog]

Adulting.

For the last month I’ve thrown myself into my job search. I’m a recent college grad, and I all I want is to be employed so I can afford my adorable apartment in the city. After 25 job applications to different counties and school districts, I finally received 2 different job interviews, and today I received my first job offer. I applied for this job because of an interest I wasn’t aware that I had. I now have the opportunity to work in a therapeutic day school as a special education teacher. I’m not sure why I’m surprised that I’m drawn to such an environment after being touched by suicide, depression, anxiety, and other emotional disorders in my life. In my four years at high school, I lost five classmates to suicide. In college I lost two more of my peers to suicide. I’ve dealt first hand with several individuals who suffer from anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. My last two years of college I developed severe anxiety causing panic attacks, and complete mental break downs. All of these moments led me to where I am now. On the brink of accepting a position at a therapeutic day school, something I never saw myself doing. I find myself drawn to helping these individuals, not just for themselves, but for their families and friends. I understand what  I went through, and wouldn’t wish the pain and suffer on anybody. To help heal a young child, to help them understand that they are more than these feelings caused by a chemical imbalance is what I want to do. These individuals need help, and guidance. Their families need explanations. I want to be the one. The one who helps, and the one who makes a difference for these struggling individuals. In hopes that one less person has to feel the pain I’ve felt and suffered through. 

[secretlylo-blog]

Label jars not people...

As a special education major I always saw this quote in the light of labeling people with disabilities. I'm a huge advocate of people first language. I'm also an advocate for mental health awareness, which is why I'm shocked that I never saw this quote in the light of mental health, or any other type of stereotype. Labels were never meant to be applied to humans. Humans are complex beings that can't be defined by a simple 2D label. So why are we so hung up on labeling people when a simple label will never encompass the complexity of a single human being?

[secretlylo-blog]

She was put together and perfect for everybody but herself. For herself she was a shattered mirror beyond repair.

[books-n-quotes]

It’s always harder to be the one who’s left behind than the one who leaves.

Tamara Ireland Stone, Time After Time

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(via books-n-quotes)