my dougley thoughts 🌝 love them and wanted to see if I could make something for them

Kiana Khansmith
DEAR READER

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if i look back, i am lost

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@secretpersona8
my dougley thoughts 🌝 love them and wanted to see if I could make something for them
i dont think anything compares to the joy of getting asks on tumblr or getting comments on ao3
its like, wow. human communication thru the internet. except it feels personal. but yknow, in a nice way, not in an invasive way
its like, you CLICKED on MY account and read thru MY posts and cared enough to leave me a personal message. smth so cute abt that
writing one bit at a time to keep the momentum going
“Bucky,” Gale says. “Hey, you’re alright.”
John is caught in the throes of whatever has him, his body rigid, his face slick with sweat. When Gale reaches out to shake his shoulders, John's hand flies up to grip Gale's wrist with startling strength.
“It’s me, John,” Gale says, making no move to break free.
John's eyes snap open, wild and unfocused for a moment before recognition dawns. He blinks hard, exhaling through his nose, then sits up slowly. His breathing is still ragged, his face pale and drawn in the moonlight filtering through the window.
“Buck,” he says, his voice hoarse. “Christ. I wake you?”
Gale isn’t sure whether to answer. John doesn’t seem to need him to, pressing his palm against his eyes instead. With his wrist still caught in John’s hand, Gale perches on the edge of the bed, not knowing what else to do.
“Bad one?” he asks.
John scrubs his face with one hand. Quiet for a long moment, then turns to Gale with something like embarrassment. “Yeah. It's always the same things. The crash. The body. The march. Wondering if you..." He trails off, shaking his head. “Doesn't matter.”
“What about me?”
The silence lasts for so long that Gale thinks there might not be an answer before John finally speaks.
“Wondering if you made it. If you were alive. If I'd ever see you again,” he says, his eyes glittering in the dim light. “Sometimes I didn't. In the dreams, I mean.”
He sounds calm, like he’s made peace with it, but the lingering debris of the nightmare on his face suggests the absolute opposite. Gale hasn’t allowed himself to dwell on what John's experience must have been like—the not knowing, the agonizing uncertainty. In the same way, he doesn’t dwell on the guilt that has been eating at him since the day he went over that camp wall. Not once had it crossed his mind that they should talk through it, but now he doubts what good keeping silent has done for either of them.
“Bucky, I—”
“I’m glad you got out first, Buck,” John says firmly, as if he suspects what’s coming is an apology. “That ain’t ever gonna change.”
And that’s the thing about John, dressing up perceptiveness as generosity. Sometimes Gale thinks, not without some kind of resentment, that John refuses to accept an apology only because he knows a few words of regret would let them both off the hook too easily and close the door on the very thing they need to look at.
Gale’s not certain what else he could say, anyway. He swallows. “Okay.”
John smiles. After a beat, he adds, “having you here helps, y’know? With these damn dreams.” He finally lets go of Gale’s hand, leaving behind a cold trace and a dull ache in the bone. They sit mutely for a while, until John asks, “you ever dreamt about it?”
His unreadable gaze has a weight to it. Gale flexes his wrist, knowing he won't get many more chances to give something back.
“Sometimes,” he starts, feeling the words all tangled in his mouth. “Sometimes it’s Regensburg. Or the day my fort was hit. Or fighting the guards. Thought about putting an unloaded gun below my pillow just so I could hold it and feel safe.” He stops to inhale, letting the cold night air push the rest of the words out. “One time I woke up and there were bruises on Marge’s arms. No idea what I’d done.”
John goes stiff, but his breathing slows, turning softer. “Shit. That’s rough.” He pauses. “Was that—was that the reason?”
The question is complete without further specification. Gale's mouth goes dry, feeling as though he’s said too much, even while barely scratching the surface of it.
“Yeah,” he says, the lie coming easier this time, wrapped tightly in the truth. “Sort of, I think.”
John lets out a long, weathered sigh. He pulls his legs up, hunching over his knees. He still sleeps in his briefs. His muscles look slackened now, covered with a layer of softness, his torso thicker. Yet there is strength moving underneath, as if his body steadfastly refuses to come to terms with the passage of time. Motionless, his thighs look like tree trunks rooted deeply in the earth, his back a broad expanse pale as snow.
Gale wants to touch him. The urge is so strong it makes his fingers tremble. John is close enough that Gale can feel his breath against his shoulder. Touching him would be the easiest thing Gale has ever done, if only he could reach out.
Whatever courage Gale had gathered leaks right out of him, though, when John raises his head and his eyes are so clear Gale sees his own reflection in them.
“Well. For what it's worth, I’m not afraid of guns,” John says, his voice slips back into its usual whimsical cadence. “Don’t mind a bit of horseplay, for that matter.”
Gale stares, taken aback. Then laughs despite himself. “Jesus, Bucky.”
John hums, looking as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. “I mean it.” Then, with a more serious face, he says again, “having you here helps, Buck.”
And then it’s John who reaches out, pinching Gale's chin between his thumb and forefinger—the first time he's done it in three years. The gesture is achingly reminiscent of the old days, and Gale feels something break wide open in his chest.
john's exes in ex bff older bro verse
High school: Kristen
College: Drew
Do u think you’ve ever been summarily rejected of the privilege of personhood anyways Gale Cleven for my upcoming Halloween fic
he was asking santa for erectile dysfunction as a kid
do think it's kind of crazy that Gale opens up to John first. Has this whole deeply vulnerable monologue under the thud of bombs (his heart) and probably it's one of the first times he's truly being vulnerable with anyone, especially a man. and then John looks him in the eye and was like, your childhood hurt you.
I always imagine it as a traffic jam of thoughts and questions. What do you say when your best friend tells you that you remind him of his neglectful (maybe abusive) father? I'd have so many questions that I wouldn't want answered. I can understand why he'd make a joke.
...That and the fact that if he gets it wrong he'll never get another moment like this ever again.
nothing soothes me like a young man experiencing excruciating pain and distress
Maybe Bucky Egan is the Lucky Deuce
buckbucky sketch
I'm ready to share a hausmann theory
I thinkkk he's been 17 since the second world war
(how long have you been 17; a while etc etc)
I THINK he's a crazy nazi scientist
Smth like that lil swiss doctor in captain America except MAGIC and disgusting and more terrifying
Not sure what his angle might be tho, maybe just that he's evil. Evil angle
I love your Hausmann theory because you are … completely correct 😈😈😈😈
(no skin shining like diamonds in the sunlight though unfortch)
I love an evil mad scientist … more about his motives shall be revealed once the Buckies get their shit sorted out and focus on the real problems instead of how repressed and yearning and horny they are
Here, Boy
(dog-coded Gale fic)
Gale knew that very first day that he was a stray, showing up in the doorway of John Egan’s room unloved and shy and bristling, coaxed closer with gentle touches and an eager voice—and Gale had fallen for it, head over heels.
He knows what it’s like to be kicked in the ribs, made to lie outside on the porch. To be fed scraps and yelled at. To be desolately desperate for love. But John gave it freely with open-handed affection, naming Gale and scrubbing fingers through his hair and squeezing him around the ribs to lift him bodily off the ground. Gale stared after him, answered his voice, followed at his heels. Guarded and guided, accepting John’s praise and requests with a voracious, guilty craving he fought to conceal. Hoping John couldn't see it in his eyes.
*** Dog coded!Gale, or
When John gets back to Thorpe Abbots, Gale can't cope
(read on AO3)
Here’s the first part of my clegan soulmate au (and my first ever MOTA fic)! It’s been a joy to fall in love with writing all over again, since this is the first thing I’ve written in 4+ years. And if you can’t tell by all the flowery language about the stars, I might’ve fallen in love with astronomy along the way, too. <3
—
Walla Walla Army Air Base, Washington
November 19, 1942
John fell in love in Walla Walla.
He fell in love with that split second on the runway when he pulled back on the yoke and the wheels of his B-17 left the ground for the first time. He fell in love with the shock of relief of the icy high-altitude air after spending too long taxiing the runway in the stagnant air of an enclosed cockpit.
He fell in love with a fort almost seeming to float through the air, all engines feathered.
He fell in love with messy golden hair tumbling out of the hatch and a smile as bright as the sun glinting off of aluminum wingtips.
So it was no surprise, really, that when Gale ran a hand across the hull of his plane gently, reverently, and said “I’m in love,” in that low awestruck croon, that his name was simultaneously etched into the pale skin of John’s wrist.
Link to full story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/87619751/chapters/232168686
@angelfruittree asked about john's exes in ex bff older bro verse so here is the first one 🙂↕️
High school: Kristen P.
First time watching Masters of the Air is to be injected with yaoi toxins second one is for character analysis third one is about the Concepts and fourth one is to locate when exactly Gale was ovulating to determine at which point he went to the red cross and asked for an abortion
If we’re going down this route (rubbing my hands together) I’d say it happens a day or two after they get back from Algeria, when the grief finally catch up with them. They take solace in each other's presence, and John completely forgets about precautions. Gale doesn’t forget, but he's in a mindset where he just wants to ignore the consequences and risk it all. Soon after he gets shot down and finds out he’s pregnant in the camp. I haven’t decided if he’s going to keep it. I like the idea that it’s not the Krauts’ say whether he terminates it or not (Geneva Conventions and all). What might be more devastating is if Gale demands an abortion, only to discover after the war that due to the irregular unsanitary procedure, he’s left unable to conceive again. He may not tell john what’s happened.
We most definitely are going down this route I'm putting on my most comfortable shoes to walk down this route. One might even say I have taken permanent residence on this side of the route.
Post-Algeria is one of my favourites What Ifs, too. It works extremely well in-context, and it allows for the most terrible things to happen which are usually the best things to make Gale go through. Thinking about infertility (natural or inflicted) re: Gale always makes me happy, it's like OK I might not be a Woman (the perfect Mother) but I am able to bear Bucky's children until he isn't and what is his purpose then? #SMILE John thinking it's his fault (too much alcohol?) vs Gale hiding this part of him making them fight & argue...
I'm also partial to them having unprotected sex after Gale's first flight in Europe: he's not in the right headspace & he feels responsible for what happened but also he feels like Bucky has lied to him. Gale is frustrated, scared, he's angry! Bucky himself has barely had enough time to wrap his mind around what they're doing and what's happening and what's worse is that he was worried about Gale, but he didn't have the words to explain, what kind of Leader would he be if he crumbled under the smallest amount of pressure? Gale sees the state Bucky's got himself twisted into & offers the most visceral kind of comfort... and then he's nauseous, thinks he's got the same kind of bug Bubbles got, except it lasts longer, his senses have gone haywire. And maybe he doesn't ask for the abortion but it's the only thing to be done after Bremen (either him or the child) #pondering.
Another thing I'd enjoy would be a pre-canon hook up, Bucky unable to keep it in his pants, Gale has just left his most noble household of Abuse & Despair and makes the singular Wrong Decision that leads him to choose between keeping the child or staying in the army leading to some sort of unresolved tension that makes Buck pivot back to what he knew (i.e. abstinence till he dies) and almost leading John on because he thought they had a chance 💔 the beautiful start of John's histrionics.
First time watching Masters of the Air is to be injected with yaoi toxins second one is for character analysis third one is about the Concepts and fourth one is to locate when exactly Gale was ovulating to determine at which point he went to the red cross and asked for an abortion