flowers.and.ashes

this is just as much for you as it is for me

[sei-to-shi]

playing cards

i don't know why playing cards have been tied to such emotional events. when i was younger i saw my grandpa for the last time. not because he died but because he had bpd and he refused treatment and instead drank himself to the point where he became so harmful to my mom that she cut him off. he taught me to shuffle and we taught each other different games. the second really emotional instance that cards is tied to is when i was inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. we had nothing to do and i played cards and learned to do the bridge after shuffling. today i found out my grandpa died. i feel so horrible. I couldn't stop crying and shaking. im going to miss him. even if he wasn't the best person i still love him.

[sei-to-shi]

banshees of inisherin

holy shit i just finished watching this and i fucking loved it. it had quiet small town vibes and then the mental deterioration it just fucking hit. and if someone killed my donkey you fucking bet i would burn their house down.

[sei-to-shi]

"SOMETIMES LIFE GET'S FUCKED UP THAT'S WHY WE GET FUCKED UP."

lil peep

[banderboucher]

it’s not a sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm

[sei-to-shi]

trust

when i was younger my parents used to get mad at me for little things that would go missing. i would say about 90% of the time it was not me. my mom would get mad and take away things like books and toys and things like that from me and my sibling. she said she wouldn't stop until we gave a confession. so one of us would take the fall. a lot of the time it was me taking the fall. and every time she would tell me how i had broken trust and how now our relationship was strained. because of me and my "lies". it doesn't sound so bad. i know. but it was intense. i was bored, we had nothing to do except think about whatever it was. me and my sibling had nothing but time to fight with each other over who did it and to get mad at each other. i got mad at everyone around me. my mom for starting this. my dad for letting it happen. my sibling for taking it and for blaming me and putting us all through this. it was something small but it made me cry every single time.

[sei-to-shi]

fear

whenever I think about my future it's always clouded with worry. what if i'm not good enough and they hate me for it? what if i date someone and i hurt them so bad they are never the same? what if i one day have children and traumatize them or pass down all of my hereditary mental issues? what if they all hate me? what if i fuck up so bad they can't look me in my eyes? but it's ok because i can't control all of that right now. i can't know how my future will turn out and that terrifies me. but it also comforts me because it means it isn't too late to change.

[sei-to-shi]

it's ok

it's not very late. but everyone is in bed. trying to sleep. doing their best to distract from their worries about the inevitable. i guess i am too. everyone has issues. and i know sometimes i don't act like i see anyone else's issues. but i do. i recognize how hard it is to be a kid, a teen, an adult, an elder, but i do get caught up in my own shit sometimes. i can't place how i feel. i felt good today, but then i felt bad, and then i didn't know how i felt. hopefully it will all work out in the end.

[sei-to-shi]

my debut

welcome to my head. this is going to serve as whatever i decide i want it to in the future. (i have no clue. yet.)