Serviceable Cruelty

I serve seriously.

[serviceablecruelty]

Branding

What do you do when your crippling fear of humans prevents you from networking?

I hate all the upbeat "movers and shakers" talk like every one in a company has to "brand" themselves like Elvis to even deserve to be there.

"Just create art" a motivational speaker says. Sure thing.

"Don't let other people's judgement get you down". Okay.

"Join these so called social networks and present an artificial construct of your self that makes you attractive to extroverted recruiters". Fine.

Let me just peel off my face first because that kind of pain could possibly distract me enough to cope.

I'm terrified. I answer the phone and you say how energetic and kind and patient I am but jsyk, that right there was my backup reserve supply of "interact with others" brain chemicals.

[serviceablecruelty]

Right now the world is shit, it's always been shit but it is such utter shit.

I'm coming up on that crest of numbness right before a spill over and I don't know if I can last. I've been burying in pointless video games, fan fiction and self abuse.

I think all the emotion is coming to the surface as physical pain. My back, my bones in my legs, my joints I can't even crack them or stretch them enough to go to sleep.

Within the last 6 months I lost my full time job and health insurance. My family moved away, again, leaving me stranded alone with no friends or lifeline or support, again. My social security number was stolen again. My bank account was fraudulently levied and zeroed out as a result. Someone hit my car and didn't leave their information. My hours at my part time job were cut to less than $100 per week. I haven't been able to afford my mandatory medication.

Now I have to beg my roommate and her parents to help this month and this is a person I feel threatened by. I feel, maybe incorrectly, she treats me like her personal maid even back when I was making just as much money as her. In my perspective she treated me like I owed her and like I should cleanup after her because without her couldn't live here and now I am literally indebted to this person.

I want to leave here. I want to go home. I want to get out. I can't afford to stay, I can't afford to leave. I want to cut off my limbs and drown in the ocean. I want to peel off my skin and cut open my gums and tongue. I want get out of here.

[serviceablecruelty]

A winner is you

"I've noticed a positive difference in the way you communicate with your peers the last few days," said the manager. "You mean you can taste the coppery tang of my defeat now that I've finally been put in my place? Do you mean that my new found apathy planted from constant disappointment has finally fermented into a stupefied glaze and has stunted my willfulness? I suppose hunger, abandonment, notice of termination, hospitalization, debt, and bitterness from the last few days has a way of taking out all the fight from someone.

[serviceablecruelty]

Withdrawal

I should withdraw from this place. I should withdraw from this life. The pills who are withdrawing for me. They are drawing me thin. Dough through a straw I'm stretching. I'm breaking. I can't turn 30 and still be this thing. I have to get out of here. I'm trapped here. I have to leave I have to go I have to I have no more room surrounding the pit in the center of my chest. Nothing fills the pit, only pills can cover the hole temporarily, but they don't fall in, they don't fill up my solar plexus rock quarry. I've given the world all my precious stone, you've eroded the rest. I can rub the center of my rib cage indefinitely but that feeling of joint snapping pit fall doesn't go away.

[howmaywehateyoublog]

GUEST: (on phone) Hi my name is (the whitest name in the world) and I’ll be staying with you tonight. My usual driver just gave me some nonsense about being overbooked, so I need you to get me a car for 6:30pm at JFK. CONCIERGE: Okay sir, we usually do these 24 hours in advance, but I can see if...

[howmaywehateyoublog]

GUEST: Do I have to wait in that line to check in? Can’t you do that? CONCIERGE: No. I’m the concierge. You have to wait in that line (of that 7 people.) GUEST: Outrageous!

GUEST: Do I have to wait in that line to check in? Can’t you do that? BELL MAN: No. I’m the bellman. You have to wait in...

[serviceablecruelty]

Nothing more tragic than reality

When I was fifteen I applied to a big university. I wanted to major in foreign languages and literature. I believed, wide-eyed and whole heartedly, that the world at war was filled with children like myself: curious, anxious, precocious children who only wanted standard kid problems like running away from a mean dog or hiding from our parents of an evening to avoid punishment. I thought that kids in those countries must read fiction and their young adult fiction must have universal themes like ours; after all didn't I learn about the collective unconscious and Jungian story tropes? I knew with the kind of resolve you feel as a child, that if only I could translate their fiction into English, then I would be able to bring about an entire generation of change, tolerance and acceptance. Then I turned seventeen. I went from wide eyed belief to squinted cynicism. I know now that curious and hopeful children turn into distrustful and underemployed adults. There is nothing that crushes as heavily and thoroughly as disappointment. There is nothing more tragic than reality.

[serviceablecruelty]

Script

If I wrote a movie I would have it be a character story. A young person with potential, dreams, talent, ability, drive, motivation, and empathy. Then I would use music or visual cues to highlight how the world beats them down, peg by peg, until they become a husk human. The end of the movie is just their vacant forward stare into the camera, fade to credits. They go from pure evidence that human have souls to being a tired flesh bag.

[fezgod-deactivated20170126]

[serviceablecruelty]

Healthy

I take a pill to force my body to rest. I take a pill to force my body to stay awake. I take a pill to force myself from over analyzing my anxieties to the point of self harm so that I'm merely the socially acceptable version of neurotic and paranoid. I take a pill for vitamin deficiencies in my diet. A pill to make me numb, a pill to make me dumb, a pill to make me anybody else; but all the drugs in this world won't save me from myself.

[my-esl-student]

I was asked what has its inside and I couldn’t say that it’s empty.  I read a medical book and I tried to imitate people’s insides by sight.  However the person who asked the question forgot even about asking it when I finished creating.

[serviceablecruelty]

The deaths that come from apathy are more cruel than the deaths that come from action.

[serviceablecruelty]

...only here can you derive prosperity from apathy. The deliberate willingness to do nothing produces profit.

[serviceablecruelty]

Everything is amazing and no one is happy.

[greeneggiwegs]

the biggest disappointment of my life was when i realized adults were as petty, immature, and bullies just as much as children are.

[serviceablecruelty]

It's still like this when you're almost 30, and at your full time job. Don't worry: comprehensive health insurance will cover the "disappointment" pills.

[nevver]

Presuppositions, Alan Watts

[nevver]

God is disappointed in you