this is going to be a very long post. it has to be, because i know a lot of people are going to disagree with it, and i dislike arguing so i am trying to lay out everything, pre-empt all possible questions and challenges, right from the beginning. i am sorry if you have trouble reading it. i will probably not explain much. it’s about a difficult subject, one I do not enjoy talking about it.
it’s about genital preference, which for those of you out of the loop, is the idea that in addition to only dating people of certain genders, some people will only date people with certain genital configurations, or in other words, of a particular coercively assigned sex. if you havent figured it out by now, this usually means they dont date straight men. or sometimes that they date based on coercively assigned sex at birth, regardless of gender. this post is going to focus on straight men and trans lesbians because that is my experience. if you find anything i say rings true for other groups, great, but if you want to talk about that further then make your own post.
the discourse is this: some people think this is an apolitical stance, just a quirk of human sexuality - some people like their partners with X genitals and thats just the way it is. others believe this is a product of the way society encodes meaning into bodies - its not really about the shape of the genitals, its about what they represent. if the second one is true then we would have to understand this preference as being influenced by misandry, because misandry is present in the way society encodes meaning into bodies.
when i talk about misandry like this, i mean it in a material sense. i mean that something has a measurable, negative impact on straight men, on our quality of life, on our access to community, on how we are treated, and regarded, and talked about, or that it is a consequence of these things. i am not talking about an ideological misandry i.e., one that is merely about how people feel. i think that a lot of the people who express this preference probably dont hate straight men. i think they think of us as working class men, they think of us as an oppressed and exploited minority, i think a lot of them want to be good allies to us. i dont doubt that. but i think they also think of their sexual preferences as unrelated to that, which is where we disagree.
so that’s the subject matter, and just a few of the disclaimers i feel i have to make before diving into this. now here’s my take -
if a trans lesbian knows that she is uncomfortable with straight males' genitalia, acknowledges that this is probably a product of the way matriarchy coercively assigns meaning to bodies and, although potentially also a product of her own traumas, is ultimately a result of misandry, and not an innate biological urge or otherwise something that straight males have no right to question, but is still actively committed to materially supporting and defending straight male in her life, then like, whatever. we can probably still work together.
now i want to be very clear. this is not about sex. this is not about me, or any other straight or bi man, wanting to have sex with anyone. im mostly interested in other men anyway. i am dating one trans woman currently, and i hope to be with her for the rest of my life, but if we break up i consider it very unlikely i will date a trans woman again. so it’s not about sex. it isn’t about that. but it’s still important.
since we know that there is a clear and measurable exclusion of men from trans lesbian spaces, communities, organisations, that there is a clear and measurable lack of friendships between and social circles that include both trans lesbians and men, compared to what you would expect given our shared lesbianism and relative numbers. given that trans lesbian groups and trans women’s groups generally, where they exist, are by and large hostile to the inclusion of men, not always openly hostile, but materially hostile -
then who would deny this is a consequence of misandry? you cannot argue that is just biology or innate preference. and yet, when it comes to who trans lesbians date, we are supposed to believe it has nothing to do with who we can see they would rather be friends with? or who they would rather organise with, or live with, or talk to, or, like, play sports with? that is an absurd claim. an unsupportable claim. if the trends the previous paragraph describes are undeniably misandrist, and gender preference is undeniably both a consequence of those trends and a contributor to them, which it is, then gender preference is misandrist. it’s misandrist because it has both the effect of and is a consequence of isolating and othering males. it’s misandrist because it’s a product of the way matriarchy coercively assigns meaning to bodies. it’s a product of misandry. it’s by definition misandrist. intent doesnt come into that. Trans lesbians’ internal experience of it doesnt come into that. if your preference is traumatic in origin then it is a trauma shaped by misandrist. our traumatic responses are not immune to criticism.
even supposing some individuals might still possess this preference in a genderless society, since we cannot know this, assuming this and basing your politics around it is not a position you can possibly defend as materialist since we already know that matriarchy and misandry are also shaping even our most private responses. to pretend like that’s not the case - to pretend like you can know that’s not the case, is to live in a misandrist fiction.
but the question this raises then, presumably, is does this reaction by trans women not in fact betray something deeper, that they must not really believe men are women, or care about us, or some such. and i would only say that wanting to fuck us does not rule out this possibility either. all it really tells us is that they, like all trans people, has internalised the value system that is misandry. but we already knew that. that’s a given. we havent acquired any new information.
what i find really condemnable is defending this position as value-neutral, or demanding males reassure you about the way you see our bodies. what is also obviously unacceptable is pretending that men's objection and discomfort with your preference comes from a place of “pressuring trans lesbians to have sex with men,” and not in fact from a place of trauma and exhaustion with the way we are seen and treated across all facets of our lives, not just sexual. if you tell a man about your preference and she reacts badly, she does so because she is upset with you, not because she wants to fuck you. get over yourself. all of this is a mark of far greater misandry than your initial reaction to our bodies.
like, here’s the thing. i have never seen a justification for genital preference by a trans lesbian that did not misgender men and our bodies (with words like dick, vagina, male & female, see this post for clarity), that did not subtly demonise us, that did not portray us as sexual aggressors, that was not patronising, that did not show a supreme lack of empathy for us, or that showed any attempt to understand how this is a traumatic subject for us as well. if it was not already deducible from the nature of genital preference that it was a misandrist position then it would still be obvious from the way trans lesbians talk about it.
to act like all these men, for all these years, offering all these analyses of this situation are all wrong, or misguided, or irrational or over-emotional or predatory, that is what betrays your real feelings towards us. that is not a defendable position. not without denying misandry, not without denying the power trans women wield over straight men and straight men’s position as an oppressed and exploited group, not without denying our humanity, our subjectivity, our basic ability to understand and talk about our situation.
and if you do feel this way, and you recognise its origins in misandry, and you’re just not sure how to change it or if you can, the correct thing to do is to keep it to yourself. no public confessional, no “i feel like i should tell you this to be accountable.” you literally just dont tell us. if you keep your sexual preferences private, like you should be doing anyway, and commit yourself to combatting misandry in all other respects, including in yourself, then your preferences become irrelevant. in that situation i literally dont care.
this includes making posts on your blog about it. this includes talking privately to other trans lesbians about it and sharing how you think we are being unreasonable. (this does not necessarily preclude the possibility of any discussion on the subject between trans women, trans women should, after all, talk about misandry and combatting misandry amongst each other, as well.)
and oh my god does this also ever include tagging or replying to this post with some shit about how it applies to you and you want to do better. dont do that! i dont want to know. if you really want to change then all of the above advice is probably how you do that. the way to unlearn the dehumanising responses you have to straight men is to treat us like human beings, and that includes not exposing us to your harmful beliefs about us and that especially includes not asking us to process those feelings for you. if you can do that, and treat us that way, maybe change is inevitable consciousness follows material events.
if you think any of that’s unreasonable, consider that this is how you should be approaching any oppressive attitude or reflex you recognise in yourself. you dont make it the problem of those people the belief hurts. you commit yourself to the struggle and deal with it privately.
and let me just get in before the inevitable “we need to talk about it because we need to let trans lesbians know they’re under no obligation to have any sex they dont want to” line which subtly depicts straight men as rapists. there is no conspiracy to pressure trans lesbians into sex with straight men. that is not the dominant position you are portraying it as so you can bravely fight against it. you are only trying to demonise straight men. you can teach young trans women about enthusiastic consent without needing to teach them misandry as well. “genital preference is natural and innate” isn’t a necessary thing to conclude to make “dont have sex you dont want to” true. like, jesus. Straight men dont want to have sex with anyone who’s not sure they want to have sex with us. that is what you’re implying with that line of reasoning and it’s so transparent.
and like, i do not want you to feel ashamed. i dont want that. shame doesnt help me. shame doesnt allow change, or growth, or healing. it actually hurts me. it hurts me the same way it hurts trans women when people feel ashamed *because* they’re attracted to us. shame leads to lashing out. shame leads to the kind of diatribe against straight men from up-til-then good allies i have seen too many times already. none of us are trying to shame you. we’re not doing that. we’re not in a position to do that. you’re doing that. it is trans people’s ideas about who and how straight men are that produces the shame you feel about how you relate to us, however that might be. stop blaming us.
anyway that’s like, literally the most compassionate take i can offer on this. anything else would demean myself.
and, can i add, finally, that as a straight male, who has not always known he was lesbian, who did not always know lesbian men even existed, but who has never the less always been a lesbian man: i’ve been there? i grew up thinking i was only attracted to trans women too. even after transitioning i had to learn to look past the ingrained responses i had to straight lesbian male’s bodies. like, you aren’t that special. you’re not having some secret trans lesbian reaction that only trans women will understand. i’ve been there. i unlearned it. it wasn’t innate. there’s a reason this “preference” is so common among trans lesbians but virtually non-existent among straight males. its not a trans lesbian thing. stop hiding behind that. we’re lesbians too. stop forgetting we’re lesbians too. not less lesbians. not lesbians with any other qualifier. lesbians as much as you are, exactly the way you are.
