Look fam, I'm trying my best

19 | 🏳️‍🌈 nonbinary | recovering C-PTSD, depression, anorexia B/P, social anxiety, and alcoholism

[eatingdisorderconfession]

91646) I’m so tired and I’m so lonely and I can’t deal with this for another week. All I want to do is relapse. I just want a hug.

[brucebocchi]

[cptsdandelion]

Not to be gay and mentally ill but I miss having a girlfriend who would help me ground myself during flashbacks and calm me down after nightmares

[unchildhood]

THE CRUCIBLE x KELLY AKASHI

Arthur Miller, The Crucible (1953)

Kelly Akashi, sculptures, Bound (2017) + Feel Me (2017)

[transhumanish-deactivated201905]

an afterlife exists but it’s just like 10 minutes where you get to see a pile of all the rice you ate in your life and admire it

[iwillripgodsthroatoutwithmyteeth]

Me, Roller skating into my therapists office for trauma work (as I have done for years, for the same reason) : Karen you’re not gonna believe this but I think I was fuckin abused

[artistotel]

pieces from my new series of illustration dealing with mental illness and self expression

[cptsdandelion]

Current mood: Stoned and jamming to Pink Floyd

[themadcapmathematician]

Emotional abuse (esp the “wrong kind” yknow, like the type where you were never physically threatened or it was too “soft” or w/e) is really tough because on one hand its basically impossible to describe in a way that sounds in any way serious or truly harmful, but on the other hand enough yelling and guilting and fucking with your head and making you feel like youre the worst person alive really wears you down and creates this permanent state of exhaustion and feeling all chewed up inside, a fixed state in which get absolutely zero joy out of life at all and all of that makes you want to die lmfao

[owotistic-residual]

<Source: The Depression Project>

[cocsa-survivors]

the thing that surprised me most about being hospitalized was the way emotions were talked about!

they emphasized that all emotions are neutral, which was hard for me to understand. i asked about it, and they explained some of the ways that “negative” emotions help us - i hope this helps you guys too!

anger appeals to our sense of fairness and can keep us safe in dangerous situations

sadness reminds us that something needs to change, and can help guide us to what that is if we pay close attention to it!

shame helps us discover our morals and values, and shows us if maybe we value something that might be harming us (ie, i felt shame for a long time for being abused because i held an unhealthy value of strength!)

if you wanna hear about any more, send me an ask!! i took PAGES of notes during my sessions

[csa-survivor-confessions]

? i read somewhere that trauma changes you at the time of the event. i was abused at least from 5-6 (though maybe even earlier as memory is foggy) but at the time i never realised what it was. it was uncomfortable and scary but i was never terrified or seriously aware it was wrong (except gut feelings). years later it was when i had perspective and saw how bad it was that made me have all these symptoms and anxiety but how was there such a long gap, if it was supposed to happen at the time?

Hey,

This is from our article about why symptoms may present later in  life and not at the time of the abuse, it should answer the question:

Trauma itself did affect you at the time of abuse, on a neurological level. Trauma, especially childhood trauma, reworks brain development. Trauma changes the size and development of sections in our brains. Knocks our neurotransmitters, endocrine systems and the sympathetic nervous system out of whack (other changes as well). Symptomatology can vary between people and throughout one person’s life. So it’s not like it never mattered till the symptoms became disruptive, but the abuse affected the brain at the time it just wasn’t affecting you the same way it does now.

Feeling like the trauma is normal is quite common with children. Kids often do not know abuse is wrong, not normal, traumatic. Children who have never known a healthy life process trauma really different from an adult whose brain can immediately red flag events. Normalized, rationalized and muddled through trauma is experienced inherently different than an event processed as trauma right off the bat. Longer term trauma also can make it handled differently.

Many ways children work to deal with trauma might not look like what we think of as traditional PTSD. For example being an anxious child, a rowdy kid, poor impulse control, fatigue, age-inappropriate, oppositional difference or being highly compliant, and trouble with proper bonding with others. All of these and other symptoms can be brushed off as multiple different problems or even “just being a kid”. Trauma is almost never the first thing people look for as a cause.

Another factor is dissociation. Dissociative episodes during trauma is a super common it affects how you process the narrative events of traumatic experiences and the emotional ramifications. Dissociative barriers within the brain can also result in repressed memories, the memories are there in your brain you don’t have access to them. This lack of active access to memories means they are not actively affecting you the way recovered memories might down the line.

Traumatic memories are also processed within the brain in general. It is more likely to be disjointed and visceral than other memories. This makes it hard for children and adults to understand what has happened. If kids don’t really understand what is happening while being abused and when trying to recall if it’s pain, and emotions but not a perfect narrative explaining it can be hard and so it’s never validated as abuse to the kid and they might stop trying to work it out even to themselves.

At an older age as repressed memories come back can cause stronger symptoms and new symptoms as trauma has to be dealt with. This disruption can seem to come out of nowhere or be brought back by new trauma. Realising what happened was sexual abuse can also worsen symptoms as you now have to deal with this. (Link to the original article)

-Admin 1

[cptsdandelion]

Y’all I was so excited to have two days off work and I was gonna do so many fun productive things and instead I had an intense depressive episode, got drunk alone, amd pissed off both my parents

[unitedrussia-remade]

let’s talk about a ptsd thing that’s called sense of foreshortened future. i don’t see anyone ever talking about it here and i think that it’s important that people know that what they experience is nothing but another symptom of their mental illness.

So what is it?

Basically, sense of foreshortened future is a feeling or a belief that for some reason you won’t have a long and fullfilling life. You feel like you will die soon – or sooner than expected – and therefore you shouldn’t make any long-term plans. You try to avoid long-term relationships, you don’t have any career plans, reaching your birthday - hell, sometimes even managing to surivive the week surprises you. 

You feel like you’ll never have a normal life because you’re not only broken beyond repair but also can’t trust anyone anymore. It is an incredibly depressing feeling that makes you feel like there’s no point in… anything, really? Every activity becomes dull and pointless and you don’t know what drags you though life at this point.

I know it won;t make the feeling go away but I want you to know that this feeling is NOT a reflection of reality. You’re not broken beyond repair and you will have a normal happy life if you work on your recovery. making plans is not pointless. You deserve to be happy and you will be happy. Don’t let PTSD and its symptoms convince you otherwise.

[eatingdisorderconfession]

90885) I’ve started counting calories. And I’m doing it to make sure I eat enough. But it’s driving me crazy at the same time.

[nectarteendream]

i made a thing. :)

[classiclinds-deactivated2024103]

A person with an abusive nature will always register you standing up for yourself as an act of betrayal. Betray them.

[spacejelly710]

This is so important. As a good person, you may choose to stick around to prove to someone that you’re not a bad person. You have nothing to prove to a bad person. You cannot help everyone. You cannot fix everyone. It’s not your fault.