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FAT
Gahhhh this is a super hard post to write about. I am shaking as I am typing on the keyboard and I can feel my heart beating faster and faster. Gahhhhhhh.
This is something I know but I canāt say. For nowā¦ typing it out will have to do. In all honesty, its actually a really big deal to me.
I. AM. FAT. I am overweight. Severely. To a point where I think that it could be dangerous if I do not stopā¦
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Where have you been?
Where have youĀ been?
Honestly, it has been a bit weird for me lately. I have been happy. Iām happy with myself (kind of), happy with my friends and family, happy with my new jobā¦ everything. At least I think this is the case. Why am I unsure? I should know right? But I donāt.
Something has been off. I cannot put my finger on it. Itās starting to aggravate me. I feel like I might have this new worry or fear. No youā¦
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3 am thoughts ..
Hello people,
Itās been a while..
I needed to take a break. I needed time to myself . I needed to figure things out and in the meantime, took a break from a lot of ādistractingā things that I would normally do on a regular basis. I was at a point where I needed to make changes in my life and I needed to do it then and as soon as possible. On one hand, I am happy I did thisā¦ on the other hand, Iā¦
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April 23rd..
I use to look forward to April 23rd, now I dread the month entirely. I want to wish my beautiful brother, Jay, a very happy birthday. You would have been 30 today. You loved your birthday. You use to talk about it right after Christmas aha you would try to think of things you would ask for as a gift or what restaurant you wanted to go to with the family. You would smile so bright all day longā¦
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Is it bedtime?
For as long as I can remember I have been a ānight time personā, never ever someone who loves waking up early. Not my thing. Nope. Over the past several years I have developed the worst bed time habits: I couldnāt fall asleep without taking some form of melatonin/sleep aid/sleeping pill I would fall asleep anywhere between 12-4 amā¦ I would be on my phone while laying in bed to the point ofā¦
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Whatās holding me back ?
Since I have become super open with everyone about my mental health, especially with the circumstances that happened in the summerā¦ I know I have scared a lot of people and I know people still worry and I know itās because they care. I feel like those closest to me have been effected the most. A big thing I am facing right now is those people now need me to need them (though I am in the bestā¦
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I fear your special days..
I fear your specialĀ days..
I play the days that remind me of you over and over again in my head. I reminisce about previous days like that when you were here. I think about the first special days without you, how hard that was.. we realized how broken we were without you. I assume how I will feel about these special days until the actual day. I fear being sad. Iām scared Iāll miss you so much that I wonāt be able to stopā¦
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I fear the days that remind me of you..
I play the days that remind me of you over and over again in my head. I reminisce about previous days like that when you were here. I think about the first special days without you, how hard that was.. we realized how broken we were without you. I assume how I will feel about these special days until the actual day. I fear being sad. Iām scared Iāll miss you so much that I wonāt be able to stopā¦
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I'm calling in sick..
Iām calling in sick..
You know when its Sunday night and you are dreading Monday morning and when it comes.. you lay in bed wishing that there was a day in between Saturday and Sunday..it is the worst. Am I right or am I right? Imagine having that feeling every single night, every single day, all day. That is exactly what people who struggle mental health, especially depression and anxiety, feel when it comes toā¦
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Whatās different this time around ?
Whatās different this time aroundĀ ?
A popular question that I tend to be asked in regard to recovery (or treatment , I know some people donāt like certain terms) is what motivates me or what keeps me going. Itās actually a pretty good question. Like whatās different now ? Whatās happened in my life that made me change things around ? Why this time around am I all of a sudden so sure that I will stay on the positive path? What do Iā¦
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In the end, itās me.
I use to think I needed others to help me make things happen. I use to think that I couldnāt get the job done perfectly if I did it myself. I use to want constant support. I mean being coddled is feeling safe, agreed ? Exploration and leaving your comfort zone is actually really frightening to people .. I use to be one of them; actually to be honest, I still have some fear but I feel like it alsoā¦
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Hey little one..
I was at a local coffee shop on the weekend and I saw this sign on the wall (I really wish I took a picture of it..). Anyways, it was the only picture on the big, black, blank wall and here this small framed sign was and written in rainbow letters was the question āwhat would you tell your younger self?ā. Normally, I donāt really think about these type of questions since I kind of hold theā¦
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Will you ever be cured ?
Will you ever be curedĀ ?
I HATE THIS QUESTION. Will I ever be curedā¦ As if I am dying from a chronic illness or something along those lines. Itās like people with mental health issues are contagious and will never get better. I want to make something clear.Ā MENTAL HEALTH IS VERY TREATABLE AND YOU CAN A VERY STABLE LIFE AND LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. I do want to make note that disorders such depression, especial situationalā¦
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You need to quit..
You need toĀ quit..
People get stuck in their ways. Itās as simple as that. Itās hard to change. Itās hard to break old habits, even if they detrimental to yourself. * Some of these apply to myself and some of these apply to people I know or from common patterns I have recognized in the reading/research I do and things I see. I have personally tried or am in the process of quitting some of these things ; I promiseā¦
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You donāt let yourself be happy..
You donāt let yourself beĀ happy..
The amount of times I have been told that I donāt let myself be happy is crazy or that I always think the worst. Itās not even just one person, I have had a few people who I am close with say that to me. I use to think whatever ā¦ itās not me, itās my depression.. itās my anxiety.. itās life. It wasnāt until I started to finally open up to my counsellor that I realized I am the master of āWHATā¦
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Will you ever be cured?
I HATE THIS QUESTION. Will I ever be curedā¦ As if I am dying from a chronic illness or something along those lines. Itās like people with mental health issues are contagious and will never get better. I want to make something clear.Ā MENTAL HEALTH IS VERY TREATABLE AND YOU CAN A VERY STABLE LIFE AND LIVE A NORMAL LIFE. I do want to make note that disorders such depression, especial situationalā¦
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Can you do it ?
Can you do itĀ ?
Can you be alone ? If so, how long ? How do you define being alone? What do you feel when youāre alone? Does even just thinking about the possibility giving you heart palpitations? Or does this sound like the most relaxing thing ever ? Youāre probably thinking Iām crazy for even asking this question, we are always alone at some point in our day. When I am asking you, I donāt mean entirely justā¦
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