Damian, who was raised in a freaking desert compound and didnโt know jack shit about the outside world, thinking him and Tim are finally having a bonding moment:
Tim: Hey, want some candy? leftovers from movie night.
Damian: โฆ.
Tim: โฆ..
Tim: โฆ.dudeโฆhave you never had candy?
Damian: *scoff* protein and nutrients were much more important than sugar in training Drake.
Tim: *horrified* dude just try some. god this is unbelievable
Damian: *tries some in hopes of making Tim happy; enjoys chocolate and also skittles*
Tim: *watching amused as Damian pops one of Barts leftover Warheads in his mouth, not so much as a glance at the package*
* Damian makes the most horrific sour face of all time, body takes a screenshot, Tim is pissing himself and takes a picture*
Bruce walking into the manor from a rough WE meeting: Alfred Iโm homโ
Bruce: *stares in disbelief and fear*
*Tim tied to a chair, broken furniture and scattered candy everywhere *
Bruce: Damian what are you doing???!!!
Damian: Drake had poisoned me. I need him to confess so I may obtain an antidote before itโs too late.
Bruce: *questioning glance at tim*
Tim: *deadpan look, nods towards table where Warheads bag is sat in a plastic evidence bag taped shut with biohazard tape, Timโs phone sat open to picture of Damian making sour face*
Tim, finally able to go sleep after solving a rough case: Alright, line up.
Cassie, Bart and Kon: *all line up and stand at attention*
Tim: When I say donโt add to the population, I meanโฆ?
Cassie, Bart and Kon in unison: Do not get pregnant, get someone else pregnant, clone someone, give a robot or Artificial Intelligence a consciousness or mess with the time stream and accidently increase fertility rates again.
Tim, nodding in approval: And when I say donโt remove from the populationโฆ?
Cassie, Bart and Kon: Donโt kill anyone or thing that has a soul or consciousness directly or inadvertently unless through the legal system or if itโs a genuine accident, in which it is not our fault.
Tim, rubbing his eyes tiredly and yawning: If youโre going to leave the planet or time period?
Cassie, Bart and Kon: Tell you or a trusted adult.
Tim: and who is a trusted adult?
Cassie, Bart and Kon: WonderWoman, Superman, Oracle, and Batman between 1 am to 11 pm only.
Tim, walking into the Batcave and noticing everyoneโs distraught appearance: Whatโs wrong?? Who died??
Stephanie: We have bad news Tim. You should sit down.
Tim: Oh shit did someone actually die?? Who was it this time?
Dick: Remember that civilian that we catch trailing after us every so often? The one who was involved in the Penguin incident awhile ago?
Tim: Oh. Clarissa OโNeal? What about her?
Damian: She was taken hostage by one of Black Masks henchmen. We didnโt make it in time to save her.
Tim: ? And thatโs why you guys are so upset? Cโmon guys lighten up, itโs movie night
Jason, getting visibly pissed: What the Fuck dude. A civilian we were close to fucking died because we didnโt make it in time
Dick: I know you didnโt like her much but show a bit of empathy Timmy. You usually take these situations seriously
Tim: Iโve been trying to kill her off for ages. Why would I be upset??
Steph: Tim you have 10 seconds to fix your attitude before i fix it for you
Jason: Since when do you take peopleโs lives so lightly? Dude you need to leave before I do something i regret.
Tim: I didnโt know you guys were so attached to her. I could revive her if you want, but honestly itโs more effort than itโs worth. And she was getting unwanted attention from the rogues so she had to go.
Damian: Revive?? Timothy what are you on about? And why are you saying that like you personally set up her demise?
Tim: Because I did? The planning for it took forever but I have to admit everything went a lot better than I was expecting.
Dick: TIM WHATโ
Jason: WHAT THE HELLโ
Damian: MURDER? You?!
Steph, screaming over everyone else: WAIT SHUT UP
Steph: TIM NO YOU DID NOT
Steph: TIM DONโT TELL ME YOU DID IT AGAIN
Dick: Again?!? What are you talking about?!
Steph, laughing: Guys calm down. HE was Clarissa
Tim: You guys didnโt know??
Jason: HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE HISPANIC LOOKING WOMEN IN HER MID TWENTIES AND A CRIME ALLEY ACCENT WAS YOU
Dick: Tim i am THIS CLOSE to burning down your disguise room.
Damian: Timothy explain yourself
Tim: I had an undercover op that I needed a female field agent for a couple years ago to infiltrate penguins operations. Over time She became a bit too important and Black mask was threatening her. So I decided to kill her off. I got the info I needed already and it was becoming a bit of a drag keeping up appearances
Steph: You need to stop getting us emotionally invested in your aliases and then killing them off. This is the fourth time you did this to me. Iโll never forgive you for Alvin Draper, I still grieve him even though i know youโre alive!
Tim: YOU guys need to start recognizing me in disguise. Worlds greatest detectives MY ASS
Jason: DUDE YOU GAVE YOURSELF DOUBLE Dโs WHY WOULD WE ASSUME THAT WAS YOU
Damian: My training in this area has been neglected. Timothy show me your disguise lair
Tim: Sure, after movie night. Letโs go
Dick: This is gonna bite us in the ass. Damian is already so good at impressions. We will never know if someone we are talking to is him or not
Tim: LMAO When iโm done with him? Yea everyoneโs fucked
Steph: Itโs gonna give Roger from American dad
Bruce from the corner: *Breathes a sigh of relief*
Bruce at the Batcomputer: *Sighs and moves Clarissa OโNeal from โReal Civilian Deathโ folder to โTimโs Fake Identitiesโ folder. Creates new folder labeled โDamianโs Fake Identitiesโ
Tim: Okay, Final argument time. Bruce Your arguments thus far against killing have been heart warming, but subjective. Jason your arguments for killing has been thought provoking, but again, subjective. For this final portion of this debate, that Steph has coined โRed Robin: Kill or No Killโ I will only be considering objective argument, with bonus points for empirical evidence. My fate is in your hands. Would Red Robin make a better impact on Gotham if he was open to killing unrepentant villains? Go!
Bruce, rubbing his temples: Tim are you really choosing your morals based on a debate?
Dick: He didnโt have morals pre-installed, this is how he gets them.
Steph: I lost the debate on why stalking is wrong years ago, so you guys can blame me for that one.
Damian: Enough chatter, begin the debate
Bruce: *sighs* Morallyโ
Tim: *pressed red button that makes a boo sound* Subjective
Bruce: Okay, We are not judge, jury and executioner. We are citizens. We have no right to take the lives of others. Doing so makes us no better than the criminals we fight every night. Killing is killing, intentions do not matter.
Duke: Idk that was pretty subjective.
Tim: Iโll allow it. Half a point for Bruce. Jason, rebuttal?
Jason, pulls out folder filled to the brim with annotated research papers, text books, and a personally written essay that contained a work cited: Intentions may not matter, but impact does. For example, Black Mask caused the death of 52 Gothamites this year. 46 last year, and 68 the year before, spanning back the last 10 years. If i killed black masked, I would be saving the lives of about 50 people a year. By killing one person, I would be preventing the deaths of hundreds of people, depending on whatever his natural lifespan would be.
Barbara: Is this the research paper you were working on in the Library? I thought that was for finals?
Jason: I finished up my finals last week, got a head start.
Tim: Wow, 3 points for the argument, 3 points for the data backing it up, and 3 extra points for doing research and citing your sources. Great Job Jason.
Dick: Bruce, as funny as I think this is, please donโt lose this debate. I think weโd be unleashing hell upon gotham if he gives himself the green light to murder.
Damian: *Taking notes with a very serious look on his face*
Dick: โฆ And we need to set a good example
Bruce: *sighing* I didnโt want to say this but Jason brings up points for why Red Hood should kill. But not why Red Robin should kill. We have evidence that you should never go down that path in multiple different universes and futures where you become . . . gun batman.
Everyone: *silence*
Dick: He has a good point
Steph: Hate to say this but yea B won
Cass: Red Robin: No Kill
Barbara: Thatโs at least 10 points.
Jason: I have so many more points to make.. but you know what, I cede your argument
Tim:.. I thought we agreed never to talk about Gun Batman ever again
thereโs gotta be a dinner or something at Wayne Manor one time where everybodyโs discussing how stupid the stuff they all get involved in and how emotionally damaged everythingโs made them over the yearsโlike laughing it all off, making light of their traumas, the way family should. anyway there has to be a moment where one of the kids like Tim brings up like โMan, surely we have to hand it to Alfie for being such a legend and putting up with everything. like- like he was literally just hired as a butler.โ
and Jason pipes up from the end of the table around a mouthful of green beans, โTrue. Plus he had to deal with little-Bruce as his new employer. His employee-loyalty rate is off the fucking charts.โ
and Bruce just kinda hums before casually admitting, โYeahโฆ I was not a good boss, either. like- especially in my teen years? You all thought the dark era was rough, you should have seen Batmanโs teenage angst phase.โ
โThe fact that he didnโt quit is, quite frankly, insane to me.โ Dick nods in agreement. And then Bruce just kindaโฆ shrugs.
โI mean technically he doesnโt work for me anymore? I remember when I was fourteen I got angry and fired him over dinner for not agreeing to drive me to a drag race. I told him to get out of my house and he looked me right in the eyes and said โshut the fuck up and eat your peas.โโ Bruce takes a sip of wine, casual. โAnyway, I never actually took back what I said, and I never re-hired him. So legally heโs now just a random guy who squats in the manor and regularly steals money from my bank account.โ
And the kids are all staring at him in bafflement as Alfred walks past the dining room and blandly calls out, โI started stealing larger amounts of money after that, too.โ
Tim, sighing: no, iโm not allowed to have friends over when Bruce has been drinking alcohol, and he had a couple glasses of wine with brunch.
Damian, confused: since when is that a rule?
Tim: he enforced it last month, after he got drunk with Dick and Kon came round.
Damian: whyโฆ what happened?
Tim: he saw Kon walk onto the property without knocking, you know, like usual, and then he burst into tears and screamed โEVERYBODY TELLS ME IโM NOT GOOD AT HAVING KIDS BUT EVERYBODY KEEPS GIVING ME MORE KIDS!โ
Damian: โฆgeez.
Tim: yeah. Jason laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
โคท happy holidays! this is my gift for @ameliathefatcat as part of @hphm-fandom-eventsโs secret santa event.
The first time that Ben Copper saw Amelia Goldstein he was eleven years old and scared of his own shadow. She was, perhaps, the prettiest girl that heโd ever seen. Certainly, she was one of the most unusual girls heโd ever seen. And yeah, that scared him, although not nearly as much as her reputation as that cursed kid did.ย
He certainly hadnโt had the courage to approach her himself. Not while he was trying to figure out a brand new world with a lot of terrifying possibilities and talking to a pretty girl was one step too far for eleven-year-old him. So, heโd pushed those thoughts out of his head because, really, why would she ever approach him? Even if they were both Gryffindors, Amelia Goldstein was clearly much stronger than Ben would ever be.
The first time that Ben Copper met Amelia Goldstein he had fallen off his broomโฆ for like the fiftieth time that class alone. Now, in Benโs defense, flying was terrifying. You could fall and kill yourself. And these brooms didnโt look that sturdy. Heโd quietly noticed that Amelia had mastered the art of simple broomstick flying within the first month of classes. A small, silent part of him was jealous. He didnโt much care for that part of himself. As the fifth child out of six, Ben had realized that jealousy was not something to indulge. All it did was make more fights and Ben hates fighting with his siblings.ย
โDo you need any help?โ The girlโs voice startled Ben out of his thoughts.
He looked down at the broom and sighed. โYes, please. Iโd really appreciate it.โ
The first time that Ben Copper was kissed by Amelia Goldstein, he was twelve. And it wasnโt so much a kiss kiss as it was a peck on the cheek, but Ben was still left thinking about that moment for weeks. It was the eighth night of Hanukkah that year and Amelia had offered to share it with him as they were not yet on break. Theyโd been given a special, and temporary, pass to break curfew and use one of the empty classrooms for their traditions. It wasnโt perfect, but it did feel special. The room was filled with soft flickering candlelight from the menorah. Dancing lights were cast across Ameliaโs face, highlighting the golden spun in her light brown hair. It drew him in a surprising way. After all, heโd always felt a little funny towards Amelia but it wasnโt romantic was it?ย
โThank you for lighting the menorah with me. It made this Hanukkah feel a little better than it would have if I was alone,โ Amelia said, breaking their cozy bubble of silence. It was weird, just how comfortable and safe Ben had felt in that silence.ย
โOh, it was no problem. I likely wouldnโt have observed much of Hanukkah otherwise. Passover was always the big holiday in our house,โ he replied. โThe Hanukkah story is better though. Oil burning for eight nights is a lot less scary than ten plagues!โ
Amelia laughed and leaned over to press her lips gently to his cheek. Heat blossomed in his cheeks and he knew that his face would be a bright red.
The first time that Ben Copper celebrated Hanukkah while married, he was nineteen. They were young. He knew that. She knew that. But they both knew that this was it for them. Theyโd been together since Hogwarts and had gone through more ups and downs and angst than most other couples their age. Theyโd been married for approximately six months, and as heโd decorated for Hanukkah, heโd wanted this to be perfect. Despite being married, he and Amelia hadnโt had much time to just be together. Between his training as a hit wizard and Ameliaโs training as a cursebreaker, they hadnโt had much time to be with each other.ย
He grinned as he set the gift down on the table. Heโd painstakingly wrapped it in dark blue paper with a white bow. Heโd wrapped it in the dead of night to make sure that Amelia didnโt see it by accident. He wanted to be sure that this gift was a surprise. This was to be their first official gift as a married couple and Ben wanted it to be perfect, especially for the first night.ย
โHappy Hanukkah, Ben.โ He started at the sound of Ameliaโs voice. He turned to face her, a grin breaking out over his face.ย
โHappy Hanukkah, Amelia,โ he responded, reaching over to squeeze her hand. โI got you this.โ He grabbed the gift and thrust it towards Amelia.
She let go of his hand and reached over to take it from him. Then, she placed a gift bag into his hands. He grinned, placed the bag on the table, and he prompted her to open the gift heโd given her. She ripped the paper open and gasped as she opened the box.
โOh, Ben. This is lovely!โ she gushed, pulling out the gold heart necklace.
โIโm glad you like it,โ he said, his face coloring.
โPut it on?โย
He took the necklace from her hands and gently swept her hair away from the back of her neck. He gently hooked the necklace around her neck.ย
โYou look pretty,โ Ben said quietly.ย
โOpen yours,โ Amelia said.ย
Ben lifted up the gift bag and gently pulled out the white tissue paper. He pulled out the box and grinned as he opened it. A pair of silver Star of David cufflinks stared back up at him.ย
โThank you, Amelia. But this is almost too much,โ he said, staring in awe at the cufflinks.
โItโs not, Ben. You deserve it. And if the cufflinksย are too much, then clearly the necklace is too much too.โย
Ben sighed. โI guess youโre right. Theyโll be great to wear to some of the fancier events that we need to attend.โ
Damian, who was raised in a freaking desert compound and didnโt know jack shit about the outside world, thinking him and Tim are finally having a bonding moment:
Tim: Hey, want some candy? leftovers from movie night.
Damian: โฆ.
Tim: โฆ..
Tim: โฆ.dudeโฆhave you never had candy?
Damian: *scoff* protein and nutrients were much more important than sugar in training Drake.
Tim: *horrified* dude just try some. god this is unbelievable
Damian: *tries some in hopes of making Tim happy; enjoys chocolate and also skittles*
Tim: *watching amused as Damian pops one of Barts leftover Warheads in his mouth, not so much as a glance at the package*
* Damian makes the most horrific sour face of all time, body takes a screenshot, Tim is pissing himself and takes a picture*
Bruce walking into the manor from a rough WE meeting: Alfred Iโm homโ
Bruce: *stares in disbelief and fear*
*Tim tied to a chair, broken furniture and scattered candy everywhere *
Bruce: Damian what are you doing???!!!
Damian: Drake had poisoned me. I need him to confess so I may obtain an antidote before itโs too late.
Bruce: *questioning glance at tim*
Tim: *deadpan look, nods towards table where Warheads bag is sat in a plastic evidence bag taped shut with biohazard tape, Timโs phone sat open to picture of Damian making sour face*
jbbartram-illu
ellievsbear
jacobvanloon
dailybridgerton
