sea

this life is one long longing.

[shittyboxedwine]

feeling wistful and a lil bit sentimental today.

( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)

[shittyboxedwine]

hear me out:

you know that moment when you hear a certain song and then you associate it with the current situation you are in at that moment with a boy but then you forgot all about it for a long time. the song and the thought itself and that boy you’re with when you first heard the song.

but then you stumbled upon it randomly one day in a whole different situation than before but weirdly, you can still associate the same song to your current situation right now. this time with a different boy.

sometimes, it’s really funny how life works.

[shittyboxedwine]

SO STOKED THAT DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL WILL BE COMING IN MANILA THIS MARCH!!!! 🤧💗 IT’S A DREAM COME TRUE!!!

[shittyboxedwine]

this song is my fucking mood lately huhu

[shittyboxedwine]

everything is going wrong but we’re so happy—

[shittyboxedwine]

today, i woke up at 2am feeling agitated. i dreamt of you again. this is probably the last time i’ll dream about you this year. honestly, it feels random that i dreamt of you. i haven’t seen u (in person/online) in awhile.

okay, i’ll admit, i thought of maybe coincidentally bumping into you yesterday when i went back to my fav city to shop last minute gifts for x-mas day but i didn’t.

this particular dream i had about you is weird and sad and idk, maybe there’s a tinge of regret? in the dream you’re finally saying that you’ve moved on with someone and that you’re finally happy now. i should feel happy for you but in the dream, i felt the opposite. that’s the weird part. it almost feels like i don’t want you to move on with someone else even tho i’m the first one to have someone new after we broke up.

but now after having this dream, a question suddenly bubbled itself in the air; did i really moved on already? why does it hurts so much to know that you have someone else now even when it’s just in a dream. (bc honestly, i have no idea what’s happening in your life.) i should feel happy for you but now all i really feel is guilt. i felt selfish. i am selfish even in dreams. damn it.

all of these makes me confused, even this idea that i am writing about this right now. i am happy now, aren’t i? but why i am so affected about the dream that it woke me up at 2am. i can’t confirm or should i say, i refuse to confirm whether it’s true or not but i really thought that you’ll never get over me your whole life even when you find someone else. maybe it’s the same thing for me—- and for everyone.

maybe that’s how it works and maybe it’s okay. come to think about it: it’s precious to feel that way for a person and at the same time it fucking aches. but it’s okay, i guess. i wouldn’t have it any other way.

so grateful for all of these experiences. it makes my life more meaningful and at the same time mysterious.

despite everything i’ve said about this whole entry i still wish you well, e.

[shittyboxedwine]

when all else fails, i always seem to go back to this song.

[shittyboxedwine]

but it’s alright now.

[shittyboxedwine]

[shittyboxedwine]

Isn’t if funny how we somehow recycle all the sad songs we listened to every damn time we get our heart broken.

[shittyboxedwine]

these days, i feel like i only wake up just to miss you—- & yeah i guess maybe to go for peaceful dusk & cool early morning walks, listen to countless songs on spotify, nature trips, pleasure read and throw fits together that i would wear ‘til i get to see u again…

[shittyboxedwine]

boy, this will surely hurts like fucking hell when this ends

damn, i am happy. so happy that it makes me kinda anxious, scared and nauseous at the same time. i am scared that something bad might happen and will take this newfound happiness away.

to be honest, i really hate feeling this way cause it somehow taints the experience of being truly happy. i feel like constantly being on the edge of my seat, never really able to savour it for what it is because i always have this thought that the big bad thing is constantly lurking on the sides.

[shittyboxedwine]

2021 felt like choosing my college course all over again. i think it’s safe to say that i must have overlooked it a little and did not bother to research about it that much (i’m referring to my course here lmao.) all i know is that, it has something to do with writing and i was really into writing back in HS. (still am now but i’m pretty rusty tho) so i dove right in—headfirst, not knowing full well what i’ve plunged myself into. the next thing i know, i was feeling lost and confused because it’s not what i’ve imagined it to be like at all. it even came to a point where i wanted to shift to a different course because it’s not what i’ve thought it was. i felt like abandoning it all at once but i guess my college course grew on me eventually. time really ripens all things. so yeah— i’ve managed to pulled myself together, pushed thru and ended up graduating cum laude. it even feels like a reward hahaha jk (weird flex and weird analogy between 2021 & my college course but yeah whatever) i guess what i’m trying to say is that, last year was kinda wild and i was blindsided by it. it’s like a big ass roller coaster of emotions and feelings that i never saw coming. it felt kinda weird and happy and fun and sad and lonely and exhilarating and unexpected and bittersweet all at the same time. cliche as it may seem but a lot of things have happened last year and so many things have changed. some days were hard and i felt like dying (well, not really. you know metaphorically, curling into a ball and having a giant fucking rock drop on my body) but i’m glad that i didn’t because i’ll never get to experience everything that i’ve experienced last year and never get to meet and stumble upon beautiful souls. i am grateful nonetheless and i can say that i’m truly happy with everything and everyone (y’all know who u are hehe) in my life rn. i know i say this a lot but everything has a way of working out in the end. always. i guess u just really need to look for the silver lining. i think one thing 2021 has taught me is that everything is temporary. a bittersweet ephemerality indeed. u can never have the same exact moment twice so cherish it and grasps for it. I’m still thankful for last year tho. One of the best ones and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Here’s to a new year full of growth and genuine happiness & contentment. 🥂

[making-out-in-the-backseat]

and six months after,

here i am

still crying about you.

still crying about us.

still crying for us.

man, this is so dumb.

[shittyboxedwine]

i feel stupid.

[shittyboxedwine]

do u ever feel like crying but tears won’t come out?

goddamn, i feel so lonely.

[shittyboxedwine]

these tired bones need a place to rest.

i need to sleep, i’m so alone.

if i die before i wake, maybe write me a letter and put it in my coffin.

i will never read it

but at least,

it’s there.

found this excerpt of thoughts in my old notebook. damn girl! i guess 2019 me is my “peak sad” hahah she got it real bad huh

[shittyboxedwine]

it’s kinda weird when someone like you when u barely even like yourself and they barely even know you.