Kind of wish people would stop saying that abuse 100% is never caused by personality disorders, especially when it comes to trying to advocate for cluster B disorders in the context of arguing against terms such as "narc abuse". Like, I get where you're coming from and all--abuse isn't inherent to having a CB-PD, and harmful behavior isn't inherently abuse. Those points are very true. The issue comes when you act like abuse is never connected to having a CB-PD, or that it's only ever minimally so ("All abuse is always a conscious and known choice" type of thing--except studies have shown that the majority of people who have been abusive thought they were doing the right thing and weren't aware that they were causing [significant] harm).
Like. When I was with my ex way back when (something to the tune of several years ago, after I'd recognized certain symptoms but before I'd connected them to each other or to any possible disorder), I behaved in ways that, if they weren't already abusive, would have been abusive if taken up just a single notch. When they were describing their life, especially negative experiences they'd had, I often treated them more like a lab rat I was studying than a person. We both recognized that I did this, and I hated that I did it, but it was well before I had the self-awareness and understanding of why I did it needed to try and stop it. I felt a desperate need to have control over the relationship, and consequently, over them. I tried my best to be respectful and to let them be their own person with their own opinions and comfort zone, but because they were the only person I could stand to be around in the world, and because of my lack of self-awareness, I felt that they were mine and my property, and I ended up treating them accordingly without realizing. At the time, I didn't--still don't--feel remorse or guilt for my actions; the most I felt was shame as I realized that I didn't view other people as people in the same way that others seemed to do so easily. And that did make it harder to want to change, because I didn't care that I was hurting them, I cared that hurting them compromised me and my values specifically and only because I cared about them, which made it hard for me to do anything other than spiral about being a terrible person; if it had been someone I didn't care for, I wouldn't have even felt the shame, and I would have had no motivation to change at all.
None of that would have happened had it not been for my [developing] PDs. It is correct to say that pwPDs aren't automatically abusive, and that someone's PD is not always the cause of abuse they committed, and that abuse isn't inherent to PDs. It is correct to say that the concepts of NPD/ASPD/BPD/HPD abuse are ableist.
Abuse, however, can still absolutely be connected to someone's PD. To say otherwise doesn't help anyone--instead, it serves to alienate those who may have some of the most severe symptoms and presentations of these disorders, and blocks them from resources and community because they're not "one of the good ones". If you want to advocate for pwPDs, you have to advocate for all of us--not just the ones who only commit "acceptable" levels of harm or only to themselves, not just the ones who are most palatable to persotypicals. If you want to explain why the idea of narcissistic (etc.) abuse is ableist, you have to understand that it's not because abuse can't be heavily influenced by someone's PD, it's ableist because it paints people with PDs as broadly and inherently abusive, and because people with PDs don't abuse others in such a distinct way that it's somehow different from other forms of abuse, and because you'll never be able to separate the term (example) "narcissistic" from NPD, nor NPD from "narcissistic".
If you can't make your point without alienating vast swaths of the people you claim to advocate for, then it wasn't a good point in the first place. People with PDs aren't not inherently evil because the symptoms of their PDs don't actually lead to genuine abuse and, actually, any abuse committed by a person with a PD was 100% a conscious choice that they were actively making; people with PDs are not inherently evil because we're complex people with different lives and experiences that shape us, and every person is capable of change so long as they are willing to do so, for better or for worse. Sometimes, our symptoms cause us to hurt people. Sometimes they even cause us to be abusive. That doesn't make us inherently evil--that makes us in need of resources and a supportive community that will let us self-determine and get better on our own terms.
Persotypicals, if you are going to reblog, I don't want to hear shit about your abusive cluster B ex. This is a conversation with and for other cluster B folks only.
