Chaotic Void

I sure am something

[silly-little-void]

Intro post!! :3

Hi! I am a fictkin of Lily Lovebraids from Poppy Playtime ch5 and a plural system. I usually post stuff related to being a fictkin + plural and other silly stuff. *I do not have DID/OSDD and don’t claim to either!* I have non-disordered plurality, and as such I try to avoid using medical terminology to describe my plurality.

I am a trans guy (please use he/him) and have adhd + autism, please bear with me I may not understand things the first time around. I also live under a rock and most references will go straight over my head. I do not use signoffs most of the time.

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Basic info!

My favorite games are Hades 1 & 2, and Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom. My favorite book genres are fantasy and sci-fi, and my favorite movie genre is horror. I love everything horror related! Obviously my favorite mascot horror is poppy playtime if you couldn’t tell by my pfp :3 I also love everything legend of Zelda related. I also love stuffed animals and semi frequently add to my collection. Cooking is one of my pastimes and I sometimes post about new dishes I create.

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Parts you will probably see me talk about:

- Kyle (host, he/him, introject from my fantasy world)

- Nickster (mostly reformed persecuter, he/him, chaos gremlin)

- Ayliss (completely nonverbal, He/him)

- Gingka (beyblade metal fusion fictive, very source separated. He/him, sometimes signs off with 🌪️ )

- Schozy (caretaker, she/her)

Parts I likely won’t ever mention on my page:

- Khaos (old host, permanently dormant)

- Teardrop (child, doesn’t appear very often)

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DNI:

- trash (transphobes, racists, ableists, sexists, homophobes)

- transmeds

- anti endos/willos

Lily doubles and prototype fictkins are ok to interact as long as you don’t mention your fictotype :>

[silly-little-void]

And the all too common plural experience of making food and not getting to enjoy because some little shit fronts and steals it for themselves. I just wanted a potato :(

[silly-little-void]

Being a fictkin is wild sometimes bc wdym I (Lily Lovebraids) have to have a whole skincare routine otherwise it feels like someone rubbed oil all over my face? And my whole body feels wrong and my hands too…

[silly-little-void]

Genuine question how do I make sure that the goofy goober doesn’t front during my sister’s wedding and embarrass the shit out of us?

Being plural is a struggle sometimes /silly

[silly-little-void]

When the productive headmate doesn’t want to front…

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Why is it so hard to find black overalls ashdktktngnf I JUST WANT TO MAKE KIN GEAR AHHHHHG

And the fact that I’m going to have to get some online and have them tailored bc tell me why the shortest length offered is 30 in… I’m size 32 x 27

Fictkin problems…..

Meanwhile my headmates are doing their best to prevent me from buying stuff to make gear because we need to not spend money since we don’t have a job (not for lack of trying btw). It’s all so difficult!

[silly-little-void]

It’s not even been a full month and we’re so ready to go back to uni. Can’t find a job, nothing to do, house is a mess, no kitchen, no friends here, constantly being forced to move stuff or help with renovations, transphobic parents. LET ME OUT!!!!!!!

I’m not even out as plural or fictkin to my brother who’s also here and we don’t think he’d respect our identity even if we did. :///

Also contending with a mosquito allergy :)

[silly-little-void]

Being plural is…

(6 am) Why am I awake? I’ve only gotten 6 hours of sleep. (Goes back to sleep)

(7am) Still to early to get up, what the heck I didn’t go to bed that early

Switches while sleeping

(11 am) Why is it so late? How long did [headmate] stay up last night; I need to get up and do stuff!

[silly-little-void]

What does non-disordered plurality mean? Also based off of a vent that popped up from you guys (idk why) it seems you're traumagetic in origin?

My first ask! How exciting! :3

So, non-disordered plurality is exactly what it sounds like! Plurality that is not disordered in nature.

For instance, cdd’s like DID and OSDD (using the classic definition) are caused by severe abuse starting early and lasting throughout one’s childhood. When people talk about having traumagenic origins, this is typically what they mean.

I did experience mental/emotional abuse and neglect as a child but that did not cause my plurality. I make a distinction between plurality and DID/OSDD because I’ve had some grumpy gregory’s get be very nasty about it to me. So now I just make that clear and it’s in my intro :3

My system origins stem from not having a safe space to speak about and process my trauma which I believe I talked about in a previous post. Not having a platform for my voice has been extremely damaging over the years and I unknowingly developed something comparable to ifs to try to help deal with my trauma.

Hope this helps! :)

[silly-little-void]

Hi friends! Sorry I haven’t been as active lately, I’ve been dealing with irl stuff, namely moving home + wedding prep and a newfound discord addiction. I’ll try to be better about posting but it may continue to be slow for a while.

💜💜

[silly-little-void]

Honestly baffled by how it turned out like a magneto helmet initially, sooooo that’s what it’s gonna be! It’s a feature, NOT a bug :)

Silly Lily loves making pretty things for my friends! Hehe, this project has been so much fun! (Wip)

[silly-little-void]

Supposedly I will work on making my fictkin gear this summer

See we all want fictkin gear but none of us want to make it or spend the time working on getting the materials needed to make gear. It’s a self defeating cycle.

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Met another system at my uni the other day but they’re traumagenic and we weren’t able to figure out how they feel about non-disordered plurality :<

[silly-little-void]

I don’t think I can trust my other headmates with a wax melter anymore. Any time they take over they immediately want to touch the melted wax for some odd reason which has caused us to get burns ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. Why.

[silly-little-void]

GOD THERES SO MANY FUCKING MOSQUITOES IN MY HOMETOWN SOMEONE SAVE ME

[silly-little-void]

Silly fictkin moment is slipping so hard on some water that I temporarily unshifted

[silly-little-void]

Tw for venting & si mentions (apologies for major text walls incoming)

Honestly just want to take a minute to talk about how important it is to have people you can talk to about your mental health. For us, it’s deeply tied to our system origin. Growing up, Khaos’s (old host) parents (particularly their mom due to her being emotionally neglected as a child) were emotionally abusive. And part of that is that they just…never talked about mental health or coping with negative emotions in healthy ways, or even how to process emotions at all. And not knowing that how they were wasn’t normal and that passive and active si should’ve had our ass put straight in the grippy sock hotel.

Pretty much for Khaos’s and my entire existence, we’ve been dismissed, ignored, or outright punished anytime we tried to talk about our mental health. 9th grade it was too much and Khaos cracked and opened up to a friend. Had my phone taken away because it was “distracting me from schoolwork” while in a crisis. Later, told my parents about DID-like symptoms I thought I was having (plurality related and dissociation from gender dysphoria). Completely brushed off because we didn’t have health insurance and since my brother was in therapy already, it was too expensive to send us as well. And so, I (Kyle) formed in as a result. I was originally Khaos’s oc in our fantasy world. A self-insert, everything they couldn’t be. I started as a protector for situations Khaos couldn’t handle but evolved to more. Then came Schozy, to help Khaos with emotional control. Next, the personification of our trauma (Nickster) appeared. We didn’t have a safe place to open up nor did we know how to process emotions and this is how we cope.

As a senior we reached out to one of our best friends about having passive si thoughts and then they turned around and went straight to their parent with it. Which normally would be the right thing to do but then they got the school involved??? And I wasn’t allowed to come to school for like a week and had to get clearance from my psychiatrist to come back despite the fact that I wasn’t actively suicidal during the ordeal. And the school told me I wasn’t allowed to talk about my mental health with my friends. Then in the spring we were at a school retreat and was talking to ourselves (part of how we process emotions) and one of the chaperones went to the organizers and made us out to be a crazy person who was a danger to myself and others and got me disinvited from the senior trip. The trip I’d been looking forward to since 7th grade, the only reason I chose to stick out another year at that hellhole.

We want nothing more than therapy and to just talk but we can’t. We’re physically unable to talk about our trauma and adverse experiences because of how we’ve been hurt and had it used against us. And we don’t know if we’ll ever be able to trust someone like that ever again. Even now we constantly question if the people we’re friends with actually like us or if they just like having us around for comedic relief. In high school, I was always people’s last choice to interact with. And then it turns out that one of the few people who actually made an effort to be friends and make me feel included was talking about me behind my back the whole time. The worst part is I always knew something was up but never suspected that she was the one behind it. Or when my hoe of an ex completely ghosted me to break up with no explanation about what went wrong. I’ve always had this secret feeling deep down that actually a bad person and that’s why no one likes me and in that moment, it just felt like confirmation.

It’s just so fucking dehumanizing basically being told that our mental health struggles don’t matter and are bad. It’s dehumanizing to have to constantly worry that we’ve somehow crossed boundaries or otherwise been accidentally rude or insensitive during a social interaction. It’s dehumanizing to be labeled as weird and getting talked about negatively for living authentically. We’re tired of being ignored. We’re tired of feeling like a trashy human for existing. We’re tired of being used as a plaything by two-faced snakes. We’re tired of wanting to have a failed attempt so people with actually pay attention to our struggles. We just want someone to listen.