/)^3^(\

When life gives me lemons, I COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LEMONS!

[halfquarts-deactivated20181217]

[italianfortrickery]

Bayonetta (2009) - Platinum Games

[prince-bully-koopa]

Lord forgive me for I must fuck it up.

[kingatticus]

Hail Mary, full of grace, let me kick them in the face

[gayfeline]

i have the power of god and anime on my side

[dankmemesreasonforliving]

[deluxe-derpatron-deactivated201]

2017 is the year of booty

[dacommissioner2k15-deactivated2]

One month to reblog this!

[haleyincarnate]

[confusedspoons]

Where’s the logout button for my health issues?

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

rly fucked up that serotonin is DLC

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

EA designed my brain

[halorvic]

how have you been?

[halorvic]

Update:

[sevi007]

Depression, but make it Christmas-y.

[haleyincarnate]

[lothar]

gotta say, the kinkiest elves yet

[szeras]

exiled from silvermoon for horny on main

[boilingheart]

lor’themar had to kinkshame them out of his city

[they-goggles]

BE GONE THOTS

[animals-lovers]

[lothar]

gotta say, the kinkiest elves yet

[szeras]

exiled from silvermoon for horny on main

kids have no concept of anything. i walked into my kindergarten class and one kid asked me what my name was. when i said miss jones, he said “i like that name. did you know i’m in love with you”

[letthemountainsmoveyou-deactiva]

i asked my four year old cousin how old he thought i was going to be at my next birthday and he said 8. im 23

[roonilwazlip-deactivated2022021]

once i told a 6 year old that i had finished school and was doing “more school” [university] and she asked “why haven’t you found anyone to marry then”

[byeeyeslikeacat-deactivated2019]

We were at a museum and I was asking for the student discount and my nine year old cousin looks up at me with his eyes wide and says “wait you’re a STUDENT??”

[meelothemanly]

I used to babysit these three kids and the eldest who was around 11 at the time was talking about how adults are boring and when I told him I was an adult he said, “That’s not true, you’re my age”

[cractasticdispatches]

our aunt teaches and she has this story about a little girl who really was always pretty quiet in class and then on the final day of kindergarten she just up and stated ‘i’m all teached now. i don’t need to be teached anymore. i’m done of being teached.’

[diamondelight92]

once when i was 19, I told my little cousin that i was 19 and she looked up at me with huge eyes and went, “Does that mean you don’t have to bring an adult with you to the pool?”

[maraudersvibes]

My 6 year old cousin saw me driving for the first time, looked up at him mom and said “does that mean she is married now?”

[standard-fiend]

I watched my dad and my niece (3 at the time) arguing over a pair of pants and whether or not they were also a dress. My neice’s argument was that they were, in fact, also a dress because they were blue.

[loveyoutothem00n]

I asked the kids in my daycare class what they thought I should be for Halloween and this little boy goes, “ooh I know! A pickle! You’d be such a good pickle”

[aimmyarrowshigh]

On the first day of class with my favorite student of all time, I said, “Are you okay? You look like you have a question.” And she looked me right in the eyes and said, tremulously,

“Can a piranha eat a stapler?”

[manic-kin]

One time I was working with a kid and he looked up at me and asked “Do you have a boy?” I had no idea what he was talking about, but I told him that I did not have any boys. He looked shocked and then deeply concerned and said “Well, you better hurry up and shave your arms so you can get married; August is next month!”

[dinovia-grant]

I was sitting on the floor with my 3yo niece and we were playing with her younger brother’s alphabet blocks and the O had an octopus on it.  So I picked it up and asked her what it was.

“Octopus,” she said, all curls and smiles.

“And what kind of animal is an octopus?” I asked.  I was looking for “fish” or “sea creature” but I would have accepted almost anything–”weird,” “gross,” even “slimy.”  “Underwater” or “it lives in the ocean” would have also been acceptable. 

She looks me right in the eye and says, happy as a clam, “It’s a cephalopod.”

I haven’t been the same since.

[ninja-pyro]

My two year old niece constantly takes stuff out of my hands and says “NO THAT’S FOR GROWN UPS” then hands the items to her mom (My sister)

Apparently you can only be a grown up if you’re a parent

[sinadah]

My nephew was playing his DS on the lounge when he suddenly just punched himself in the crotch, he was still being toilet trained so the nappy softened the blow to his junk. My sister looks at him and says “Why did you just punch yourself there?”. My nephew, the genius he is, responded “Ugh, mum, that was like 5 years ago.” BOI SHE JUST WATCHED YOU DO IT! My sister, her fiance, their two kids, and myself were driving back from a little day trip. We were talking on about how my niece (elder sister of above nephew) used to do Taekwondo to help build her confidence and defend herself against school yard bullies. I asked why she no longer did it and without missing a beat, my niece said “Because I became too much of a weapon”. And the most perfect conversation I ever had the pleasure of hearing from the above 2 kids and my sister.. Niece: Mum, what’s a pedestrian? Mother: Someone who crosses the street. Niece: What’s a lesbian? Mother: Someone who loves another woman like mummy loves daddy. Nephew: We aren't lesbians because we don't walk across the street. Mother: No, pedestrian crosses the street and lesbian loves another woman. WE DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS CAME FROM - KIDS HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR ASKING SOMETIMES, NOR DO THEY HAVE A DAMN FILTER!

[imklubb]

[mrpinchy]

Jokes and Flirts for Allied Races

Highmountain, Nightborne, Void Elves, Lightforged Draenei

Not everything has been datamined yet and some things are subject to change or removal.  **EDIT: female void elf lines added!**

Void Elf (male):

What am I into? Let’s just say some of my proclivities can run a bit… dark. 

I do my best work in the shadows. Allow me to demonstrate. 

The Void has taught me many secrets. Some of them can be most… satisfying. 

As a rule, I don’t sprout tentacles. But in your case, I’ll make an exception. 

When studying shadow magic, one learns to be flexible. Very… flexible. 

You sate my hunger… and I’ll sate yours. 

I know what you’re thinking… “Oh goody, another elf.” Well… I bet you weren’t expecting a VOID elf, now were you?

If you’re looking for tall dark, and brooding, that’s me. Well, dark and brooding, at least.

Say what you will about the tenets of the Void. At least it’s an ethos!

Would you believe purple has always been my favorite color? Even before I went void, I mean.

Alleria is my favorite Windrunner sister. Edgier than Vereesa, but slightly less homicidal than the dead one.

The fact that I wield void energies doesn’t mean I plan to consume everything I see. After all, I have a figure to maintain.

Old Gods… I mean, really? Some have mouths for eyes, others have eyes for mouths. Talk about a hot mess… 

Void Elf (female)

They say the Void hungers. Let’s start off with a bit of nibbling.

Get nice and close. Whispers are kinda my thing.

Are you checking out my void form?

There is a void in my heart. Have you come to fill it?

Who needs the Light? It’s so much more fun in the dark.

You cannot a-void my charms.

The Void isn’t the only thing that’s insatiable.

No, we do not drink blood–that’s the San'layn. Totally different emo elf.

First was high, then blood, and now void. Get the order right.

Who does my hair? You might have heard of my stylist. It’s called THE VOID.

Gloomy? I’m not gloomy. I just dress that way… and talk that way… and act that way.

You think YOU have a dark side? Elf, please.

Well, yes, technically the Void does want to consume the entire cosmos. But I’ll settle for a smaller bite… for now.

No matter how much you plead, I will not sprout tentacles or turn into a giant eyeball. Well, I might. But not because you asked.

Lightforged Draenei (male)

I like it with the lights on. Not that I really have a choice… 

Has it gotten brighter in here? Because you just turned me on. 

I thought my tattoo said “Light’s Defender” in naaru. I found out it actually says “glowing goat”. 

This world of yours is very strange. Talking bears who practice kung fu? On Argus, we call that a circus. 

After being aboard a ship for so long, it is nice to walk on solid ground again. All those hard surfaces were murder on my hooves! 

My life for Aiur… <cough> Argus. My life for ARGUS! 

Have you ever seen the bunks on the Vindicaar? I can arrange a private tour.

If one more of you natives calls me a walking chandelier, I swear I’ll…

Sorry if my tattoos look a little dim. I forgot to charge my battery last night.

Face tentacles?! We do NOT have face tentacles! If we did, that would mean draenei are secretly emissaries of the Void, gaining your trust as we infiltrate your society so that we can bring about its end. And I’m certain you’re not implying THAT… are you?

I’m a draenei on the streets… but an eredar in the sheets.

The Vindicaar is a fast ship. You could say it travels at Light speed. 

Lightforged Draenei (female)

When in doubt… touch anything that glows.

No, I do not have a glowing stamp above my tail.

Have you met my dog? His name is Barkenon Puppos.

Toes are overrated. Hooves make pedicures go sooooo much faster.

I don’t recommend walking barehoof on the Vindicaar. We keep finding tiny shards of crystal that didn’t get swept up.

We haven’t crashed the Vindicaar yet… but given our track record, it’s only a matter of time.

One downside of being Lightforged is that my S.E.L.F.I.E.S. are always overexposed.

Turalyon was the only human I saw for a thousand years. I assumed all of them were grizzled and scarred.

My turn-ons include my eyes, my tattoos, my armor… I mean, what doesn’t turn on?

I may be forged in the Light, but I know how to have fun in the dark.

Have you seen Prophet Velen’s new dance? He calls it the Mac'Areena. 

Nightborne (male)

Your body must be a font of magic, because I’m irresistibly drawn to it.

You must know magic too, because you just made everyone else in the room disappear.

You’ve found the Arcway to my heart.

Mmmm, I wanna tap that ley line.

I think I’ve night-fallen for you.

I’ve got a feeling we were night-born for each other.

The stars have judged you, and found you… smokin’ hot.

Were you picked from the Arcan'dor? Because you’re the apple of my eye.

To be honest, most of the time something was quite right.

Why does everyone keep asking me to say that? Ughhhhh. Fine. An Illusion. What are you hiding.

My name is Roy, and I’m a mana addict.

It’s what I do. I drink arcwine… and I know things.

Back in my day, there was only one kind of elf. ONE.

I don’t know why they call it the Court of Stars. I hang out there all the time and I never see anyone famous.

Let’s be honest. Keeping a giant, angry dinosaur caged up in a zoo was bound to end badly. 

Nightborne (female)

Is that an illusion in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

No illusions here. Everything you see is real… very real.

My Nightwell brings all the boys to the yard.

Animate? Detonate? I suggest we skip straight to replicate.

I’ll show you my ley lines if you show me yours.

I’ve been trapped in a bubble with the same guys for 10,000 years. You could say I’m ready for a little… variety.

There’s no area denial in this raid.

An allusion! What are you implying?

Roses are red, our city is fair. Is that a disguise? WHO GOES THERE?

Care for a glass of arcwine? I jumped on the berries myself.

Tyrande still looks good after all these years. Know if she’s seeing anyone?

I met this kal'dorei who told me my dress was the pinnacle of fashion… 10,000 years ago. Ouch! Those night elves really know how to throw shade!

Night elves? More like country elves! They live in trees, sleep in dens… sometimes even grow antlers. They’re not cut out for life in a REAL city.

You really must attend one of our parties in the Court of Stars. I’ve never met anyone more in need of a mask. 

Highmountain Tauren (male)

Trust me… I have experience at exploring deep places.

My totem thunders. All. Night. Long.

Beware the deep places… of my heart.

Get as rough as you like. I’ve got a thick hide.

You must be an alchemist, because we’ve got great chemistry.

Why does that draenei couple keep asking me where Rocky is?

Let’s play a game. We take a drink every time a harpy screeches about earth and stone.

I may be a simple tauren from the mountains, but at least I don’t dig through worm dung for loot.

Ha! A buddy of mine convinced this epic-geared adventurer to kick fish into the river! Oh wait… that wasn’t you, was it?

A tauren, a yaungol, and a taunka walk into a bar. This isn’t a joke–it’s my family reunion.

What smells worse than a drogbar? Two drogbar. What smells worse than two drogbar? Nobody knows, because the stench will kill you.

Did you just try to hang your hat on my antlers? What do I look like, a coat rack?

Why settle for horns when you could have a rack like this?

I’m forming a group of tauren demon hunters. We’re called the Illi-dairy. 

Highmountain Tauren (female)

So… wanna knock antlers?

Are you staring at my rack?

It’s not the size of the antlers. It’s the motion of the totem.

What do you get when you feed cocoa to a Highmountain tauren? Chocolate moose!

Why are the Rivermane always so calm? Because they’ve learned to go with the flow.

Brrrrr, it’s cold in here. In the mood for some ice cream?

Tauren make the best poets. Their verse is so moooooving.

You know the way to a woman’s heart? Hoof rubs. Trust me on this one, darling.

He said my eyes were “milky”. Talk about a mood killer…

I know Ethel. She’s actually a very fast walker. She just thinks it’s funny to mess with tourists.

You know, high-altitude living does wonders for one’s stamina. Allow me to demonstrate…

You don’t need to be from the Skyhorn tribe to join the mile high club.

We are Highmountain. Unless you’re leaving. Then we’re Goodbye Mountain. 

[space-snake]

Imagine pennywise naruto running at you

[space-snake]

Do you ever regret making a post

[majorajackson]

I thought this said “imagine pennywise nutting at you”

[thejgatsbykid]

Against all odds, you managed to make it even worse

[royal-mortician]

opposite of depression nap. depression awakeness. refreshing the same three websites over and over. there’s nothing new on any of them. eight seconds have passed and it feels like a century

[tramtheram]

Is this about me?

Pretty sure this is about me.

[shencomix]

[jelloapocalypse]

These bother me sometimes.

We all start as literal useless babies. No one gets a magic ticket that makes them better at anything. If someone says they “never practice” it’s probably because they like doing the skill and see it as a fun use of their time instead of “practice”.

[charlesoberonn]