Between Beantown and the Island

A young man's collection of thoughts, interests, and output

[sirbizlow]

Forget the rabbit - Melania's giving Trump the same full body turn, side eyes my mom gives my dad when he's telling too long and too boring of a story but she can't say anything to stop him.

[sirbizlow]

Thanks for the beer. #comedy #sketch #improv #saturdaysarefortheboys #performance #sellout #sirbizlow #beer (at Quincy, Massachusetts)

[sirbizlow]

Day seven. The materials I held onto for so long are useless. DVDs, comics, action figures, and dolls. Yeah... I had dolls. These seven days made me realize that I need to move on. I can’t hold to the last, hoping things will change and get better. I need to move forward. I need to make choices. If I continue trying to live in my past, I’m not living. I’m as dead as the corpses feasting on bodies outside. Continuing Ryan’s last wish. Seven days, seven black and white photos of your life. No people, no pets, no explanation. Remembering a new friend each day. My friend James, the connection from my past to my present to the future. He’s been my best friend since second grade- where we met on a school yard and played Sonic and Knuckles. We always joked that he was Apathetic Jim. But he was always there for me. And I know he always will be. #blackandwhitechallenge (at Wollaston Beach)

[sirbizlow]

Day six. Human growth is important. The living dead present new obstacles every day, forcing me to push past my limits, to be something more than I was the day before. Physically and intellectually. Before the world fell into this zombie apocalypse, it was my friends who always pushed me out of my comfort zone, called me on my missteps, helped me become a better person. That’s the aspect that’s missing now- the morality. I’m worried I’ll fall back into self-destructive habits, left to my own devices. Continuing Ryan’s last wish. Seven days, seven black and white photos of your life. No people, no pets, no explanation. Remembering a new friend each day. My friend @moonbrains was a saving grace in Boston. A fellow Long Islander, we connected on the ridiculousness of our past home. She was open, understanding, and critical of me. She helped me become a better person, shedding the lesser qualities I picked up from Long Island. Kristina is tough- I imagine she is held up somewhere, alive. #blackandwhitechallenge (at Quincy, Massachusetts)

[sirbizlow]

Day five. I saw a wolf today. Defeated. Alone. Weathered. Looking for food. A pack followed up behind him, but, it’s funny... even with the pack, the wolf seemed alone. He’s wishing the strain was less. Continuing Ryan’s last wish. Seven days, seven black and white photos of your life. No people, no pets, no explanation. Remembering a new friend each day. I had to kill my friend @bengoobers today. He came straight for my throat. You know, before all this zombie bullshit, Ben was probably one of the few people who would challenge me, and who I would actually listen to. He was smart, capable, and a great friend. Quiet mostly, but I always felt that I could count on him. #blackandwhitechallenge (at Porter Square Books)

[sirbizlow]

Day four. Maybe there’s a chance things will get back to good. Maybe there’s a facility fighting the dead back, starting society over. It’s in all the stories we’ve created on the premise of our passes loved ones returning to consume our flesh. Why couldn’t such a haven exist? Haven... what an idea. We sort of create our own safe places- where we don’t take risks, push ourselves. Where we just become content. I know I did, even when the world wasn’t consumed by walking corpses. I stayed safe, instead of actually seeing what I was made of. Now... well, now I have no choice but to find out. Continuing Ryan’s last wish. Seven days, seven black and white photos of your life. No people, no pets, no explanation. Remembering a new friend each day. @taylorcotter was one of the many pushing me to leave my haven, to chase dreams. Out of the many though, she was one of the few who I actually believed believed in me. One of my greatest friends. I haven’t seen her since she moved to Rhode Island. Truth be told, when she told me she was leaving, I knew I would never see her again. #blackandwhitechallenge (at North Quincy (MBTA station))

[sirbizlow]

Day Two. It’s weird being the last one left after our administration fooled around with viral bombs, leaving the world in a state of emptiness, filled with hungering walking dead. I know they are dead and there is no soul left in them, but I can’t help but feel that they are angry- mad at the state our world leaders have put them in. World leaders who are driven by egos. And our global political system that allowed egotistical power abusers to rise to the top, unchallenged at every front. Sometimes I allow myself to be fooled, believing that the dead are angry, because it means they FEEL something. At least then, I’m not alone in my anger on this dying world. Today, I remember my friend @lomagna. She always made me smile and was a great conversationalist. Maybe she’s holding up in a NYC high rise. #blackandwhitechallenge (at Harvard University)

[sirbizlow]

Day Three. I’m exhausted. You never realize how much stamina you don’t have until you have to walk miles holding bags of food and gallons of water. Even with all the exercise I convinced myself I’ve done, I am ill prepared for the physical demands of living in a world without technology, motor transportation, or even everyday appliances. The only saving grace today was not needing to run from or fight any of the undead. The streets were empty minus the one dead child eating what I can only assume was his closest playground friend. Continuing Ryan’s last wish. Seven days, seven black and white photos of your life. No people, no pets, no explanation. Remembering a new friend each day. I think to my past times, to the friends I once had. I think of my best friend, @fishy43 - one of the few people I’ve always felt understood me, accepted me, and supported me and my craziest of dreams. I hope he’s held up somewhere alive. If there’s anyone i knew with the skills to fight off threats of the living and the dead, it’s Sean. #blackandwhitechallenge (at Massachusetts)

[sirbizlow]

Day one. My friend @ryan_dalley was the last person to talk to me. He said, “when you’re alone, everyone else is gone, document the experience. For at least seven days, if you last that long.” It’s hard to believe that I may be the only one left alive in a world filled with the living dead. So I’ll take Ryan’s last wish. Seven days, seven black and white photos of your life. No people, no pets, no explanation. Remembering a new friend each day. As the winter comes, and the streets are empty lest the wandering hungry soulless bodies of citizens who stood by as our world collapsed, I stand alone. Thinking fondly of my friend, @mbmakara #blackandwhitechallenge (at Cambridge, Massachusetts)

[sirbizlow]

Monologue Jokes #52

Collection of jokes I’ve written over the past two months on ComedyWire, Pitch, and Twitter.

Each day of this presidency is more destructive than the last. I'm waiting for Johnny Knoxville to pull off his Trump mask to reveal this was all part of Jackass 4.

A southeast Texas alligator sanctuary is on alert as floodwaters threaten to unleash hundreds of gators. If I learned anything from Disney, we all be safe as long as we listen for the tick tock of a clock and don't kill any lost boys.1

Scientists say climate change will likely kill off the human race within a generation. But if we all put enough effort into it, we can end this thing a lot sooner.

SAMPLE ONION HEADLINE: Religious Cult Leader Turns Out to Not Be An All Around Good Guy

SAMPLE ONION HEADLINE: Guam Features New Tourism Site: Nuclear Wasteland Amusement Park!

A couple caught having sex in parking lot was also busted for identity theft. It was tough when both realized the other was not the person they thought they were.

A new study shows that bald men are more confident, attractive, and dominant than guys with hair. This study completed by VERY HONEST bald men.

Rex Tillerson urges the public remain calm on North Korea, saying there is no imminent threat. In response, Trump tweeted, "Tillerson best not make any more disagreements with me or he'll be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen!"

Scientists in Japan invented ice-cream that doesn't melt. It's called cold pudding.

Trump is reportedly ‘acting sharper in meetings’ to impress John Kelly, the new Chief of Staff. He looked suspiciously like John Kelly but that might have just been the odd new mustache the President had.

It’s reported that 125 miles of coastline could add $4 billion and 35,000 jobs to Saudi Arabia’s economy. This news helped support Republican's latest platform - Global Warming IS GOOD for the economy.

Farmers in Texas found a calf that looks like rocker Gene Simmons. And according to the farmer, the calf's got quite the tongue too.

A South Texas school district approved policy including paddling as punishment. Everything is bigger in Texas, including traumatic childhood memories.

It’s been reported that Trump and Putin had another, undisclosed conversation at G20. But couples should really keep pillow talk between themselves.

This week, the President announced he will be looking to reduce the size of government, likely due to the lack of available Nazis to fill existing positions.

A southeast Texas alligator sanctuary is on alert as floodwaters threaten to unleash hundreds of gators. Even worse, as standard Texans, the gators obtained their licenses to carry.

Scientists say climate change will likely kill off the human race within a generation. Unless we all have guns to protect ourselves.

Elon Musk calls on the government to ban the use of killer robots. He demands that he be the only one. The only killer robot.

Taco Bell’s new breakfast taco has a fried egg for the taco shell. The perfect breakfast after a night of drinking that led to you falling asleep outside a Taco Bell.

A female bodybuilder keeps getting mistaken for Jennifer Lopez. But no, that does not make her boyfriend Ben Affleck and her boyfriend needs to stop trying to make that joke.

A pot company bought a ghost town to turn it into a pot-tourism destination. Once all the potheads are there, there'll be the same amount as activity.

Trump is reportedly ‘acting sharper in meetings’ to impress John Kelly, the new Chief of Staff. And he had a fashionable ear piece in the whole meeting, raising his fingers to it every now and then.

In a recent article, the New York Post declared "Boobs Trendy Again!" This is the first headline released under the Post's newest Chief Editor, Rickie Lewis, a 12 year old boy from Long Island.

In his current trial, O.J. Simpson claimed "I would Never Pull A Weapon On Anybody.” And everyone in the courtroom, including OJ, shared a great laugh.

Chris Christie caught a foul ball at a Mets game, and got booed by entire stadium. It's the last time Christie tries to have a snack at Shea Stadium.

BBC published the pay of its top stars, revealing a gender pay gap. Stars! They're just like us! 

A mother in the midwest is livid after her son was covered in poop while playing in the McDonalds playpen. She added "I brought my son to McDonald's not to play in crap, but to eat it!"

After being elusive about his support for Trumpcare, John McCain voted down the bill in the Senate this week. Proving once again that McCain is your absentee father who keeps getting you to love him again with over-the-top extravagant presents.

Anthony Scaramucci, Trump’s latest Communications Director and native Long Islander, was fired this week. To be fair, The Mooch's tenure of nearly 11 days lasted longer than most Long Island relationships.

James Comey was fired by President Trump this week. When James Comey turns up dead, floating in the Hudson,well, then we got a movie.

At a recent Press Briefing, Sarah Sanders read a letter from a 10-year-old boy who was offering to help around the White House.  Kids often offer to help out around the house when they see adults fucking everything up.

I don't care about any rules except Ja Rule!

There's been more class in the McGregor/Mayweather fight build-up than in the entire Trump presidency. 

[sirbizlow]

Monologue Jokes #51

Sex will soon be obsolete, according to a professor at Stanford... A professor who’s never had sex.

Vatican police raided drug-fueled gay orgy at cardinal’s apartment. Parishioners say it was the best service the Church has had in years.

This week, a CNN Special Report investigated Obama’s Jeans. Because why should fake news stories be the only news stories wasting everyone’s time?

This week, Trump pleaded to warring GOP senators: I’m on your side. The most common plea of a movie villain when his henchmen realize he’s been screwing them over from day one.

A toddler in Boston fell from a two-story window, saved only by his large stuffed cow. The toddler’s stuffed chicken is in questioning as the suspected pusher.

A man pulled over for speeding had a life-size E.T. model riding shotgun. Real jerk move for ET to not levitate the car over a gorge to evade the officers.

Trump plans to hold first fundraiser for his 2020 campaign this week. He’s already bankrupted his first campaign.

A man got regular milk instead of soy in his Starbucks latte, claiming it made him poop 11 times. It was a Chai-nukah miracle.

There is a new app out that lets you date people who look like your favorite celebrities. Helping people lie to themselves one date a time.

Competitors in a Tough Mudder event in Scotland were infected by the E Coli bug. Turns out that wasn’t mud they were swimming through.

A suspect took a joyride on street sweeper, crashed and fled the scene. The case may be dropped, considering the street sweeping criminal joyride was already a form of community service.

A sword fight broke out outside a Bronx apartment building. Street violence in NY is really different in the gentrified neighborhoods.

74 percent. Your health care premium could go up that much. Or you can opt out and allow your health to decrease by the average 74%. The point is you have a choice.

A toddler in Boston fell from a two-story window, saved only by his large stuffed cow. What a moove.

A suspect handed the deputy a 'Get Out Of Jail Free’ Monopoly Card when being arrested. If he was the banker, he wouldn’t have needed the card.

McConnell plans to delay the vote on health care bill until after July 4th recess. So go nuts with that firecracker, Johnny! We got healthcare for another week!

There is a new app out that lets you date people who look like your favorite celebrities. Cause nothing says perfect date like the guy who won’t shut up about how MUCH he looks like George Clooney.

[sirbizlow]

Monologue Jokes #50

Donald Trump is opening America-themed hotels throughout small towns in Mississippi. The target demographic is the expected incoming influx of Russian tourism.

A truck driver in New York illegally sold $20,000 worth of McDonald’s food. That was one Big Mac Truck.

North Korea kids celebrated the country’s “Childrens’ Day” with guns and grenades... but no food.

A new app called DrnkPay stops you from spending money when you are drunk. So plan on sleeping at the bar or walking when you can’t drive home and you can’t order an Uber.

A father in Texas attended his son’s graduation ceremony wearing a Pikachu tie his son made in the first grade. The father said the tie was his son’s greatest accomplishment.

Londoners are dressing their babies up as hipsters in a new trend, which is better than the alternative - hipsters dressed as babies.

Donald Trump is opening America-themed hotels throughout small towns in Mississippi. It's much easier than implementing affordable housing projects.

North Korea kids celebrated the country’s “Childrens’ Day” with guns and grenades. Kim Jong-un prefers his soldiers to be shorter than himself.

Donald Trump filed for an extension on his 2016 taxes. He's having trouble with the foreign assets section, you know, with him being a Russian asset.

Facebook wants its site to be 'hostile' to terrorists, Terrorist feeds will be an onslaught of pictures and posts detailing how well their exes are doing.

A recent study conducted by Glasgow University found that two hours of video games a week makes a person more employable. Unless you're play those video games on your work computer.

[sirbizlow]

Monologues #49

Mountaineers have confirmed that Mount Everest's 'Hillary Step' collapsed this week. Reminds me of the Clinton campaign. What's the word for, when one this is like another? Ahh, metaphor? No, that's not this. It's uhh, ahh, yes, male chauvinism.

In a recent press statement, the White House said the goal of its Israel Trip is to "promote the possibility of lasting peach.” When asked for comment, Donald Trump said - "have you heard about this guy James? He has a Giant peach. Why don't we have that? We're gonna have the biggest peaches."

A pIzza guy in New York delivered pizza to a hungover man's bedside. The hungover customer gave a generous tip, as did the delivery guy.

A medical team in Europe performed the second successful penis transplant... on the same guy.

A man is suing the Hilton Hotel after being startled by mannequin in his room. When asked for comment, the man said "I have no idea how the mannequin ended up in my bed."

Some Australians want Outkast's 'Hey Ya' to be the country's National Anthem. Australians don’t want to meet your daddy or your mama. They just want you their caddy and to make you.... feel loved.

Israel played it safe when feeding Donald Trump, serving hamburgers, steak and 'beautiful chocolate cake.’ They even let Donnie sit at the grown ups table.

Mountaineers have confirmed that Mount Everest's 'Hillary Step' collapsed this week. Sometimes a "step" gives out after thousands of men step on it to get ahead.

Donald Trump’s budget proposal slashes safety net programs to the poor while boosting funds for the military. America's new slogan: Die for your country, or die in the streets, hungry and poor.

A medical team in Europe performed the second successful penis transplant. The patient was so excited about his new member, he was arrested the same day for public indecency. 

A man is suing the Hilton Hotel after being startled by mannequin in his room. That's one way to get your money back in Vegas.

Some Australians want Outkast's 'Hey Ya' to be the country's National Anthem. This is an effort to address Australia's serious issues - like unshaken Polaroid pictures.

Israel played it safe when feeding Donald Trump, serving hamburgers, steak and 'beautiful chocolate cake.’ The plan is two-fold: Win his appeals with fatty foods Donnie likes. End his term early by inducing clogged arteries and a heart attack.

Sir Roger Moore, James Bond actor, dies aged 89. James Bond - Double O Heaven.

[sirbizlow]

Monologue Jokes #48

This week has been crazy. I should have written more jokes, but my regular life was hectic too, not just the news. I wrote some tweets though.

Start a scene with an English accent. Then a minute in, say you're from anywhere OTHER THAN ENGLAND - - - Guaranteed big laugh.

According to sources, Trump revealed intel to Russian associates to impress them. And to be fair, most of my life is impressing people by telling them things I know that are supposed to be secret.

CNN speculated this week on possible 2020 presidental candidates for the Democrats. They are a bit ahead of themselves, given that 2020 is 3 years away and there might not even be a 2020 election given our current supreme leader.

Wall Street fell dramatically this week following news about Trump leaks to Russia. So, business as usual... sucks.

While GOP members were getting major attention from the press and constiuients, Trump leaked vital intel to Russia leaders. It's like Trump is upset with all the attention GOP members were getting at town halls, so he purposefully injured himself. *Look at me. Oh no, what am I doing? Pay attention to me.* Trump impression

With speculation that Donald Trump will face impeachment, the White House is pulling out all the stops. Sean Spicer has already begun preparing comments, including "That was the largest audience to witness an impeachment, period."

With the turmoil in the White House’s current administration, many Americans are focusing their efforts away from national news, only to have it snapped back with Russian leaks committed by the President. A child is yelling "look at me! look at me! I made a mess of everything!"

After saying that uhealthy people do not deserve insurance, GOP leaders are suggesting that millennials spend money on their health care and not “avocado toast.” The #Trumpcare proponents want to punish people for not being healthy. But they also want us to save money by not buying healthy food.

Donald Trump threatened ex-FBI Director James Comey this week saying Comey better hope no tapes of their conversations are leaked. If there are no tapes, then Trump is no better than 5th grade me who told people to leave me alone cuz I knew karate.

Students at Notre Dame University are planning a walkout of Pence commencement speech. It's not exactly what Pence meant when he told students to practice "abstainence."

Trump threatened Comey in new tweet over Russia allegations, implying that tapes recorded statements by Comey. I wonder what Comey said on the Access Hollywood bus...

China bans dog meat at infamous Yulin festival. You can still have "chicken."

In other news, this man fucked this horse.

[sirbizlow]

Monologue Jokes #47

The US State Department is telling Americans to stay away from North Korea. "I don't know... North Korea has always been really nice to me" said a teenage girl rebelling against her parent's wishes.

This year, 'American Idol' auditions will be held in Disney World. I'm more of an X-Factor guy, but if you want to audition for America Idol in Disney World, be my guest...

Microsoft announced plans to use artificial intelligence in all of its products and services. I can't wait to see what my Microsoft T-Shirt will be able to do.

This week in Florida, a golfer's ball knocked a duck out of the sky. He'll have to play it as it lies... dead.

FBI acting boss Andrew McCabe says he stands by the Russia probe. The Trump Administration will fire him on on Monday.

At American University in DC, 'audience dogs' are helping students reduce their performance anxiety when giving presentations. Since implementing the audience dog policy, students have been giving excellent presentations... well except Karen... whose presentation was about "cats."

In England, a man suspected of having sex with cows was hunted by police helicopter. In other news, a love-scorned cow was seen flying a police helicopter.

A recent study on condom sales shows that Saturday is the day most people have sex. This study doesn't account for bare back Tuesdays.

An 88-year-old Georgia man graduates from college this semester. He started over 65 years ago, taking one class each semester. It's really the only way to make college affordable.

This week, American Airlines forced a black woman out of First Class while allowing her white friend to stay. Nothing says American like some racism.

A couple was accused of having sex in Pennsylvania McDonald's dining room. But the couple was just enjoying a McDonald's Big Mac - it's orgasmic! *This joke was solicited & paid for by McDonald's, Inc. It does not represent the views of the writer.

The US State Department is telling Americans to stay away from North Korea. The State Dept. is warning Americans to stay away from North Korea. This is bad news for me... now... I have to have North Korea.

This year, 'American Idol' auditions will be held in Disney World. American Idol is still on TV? Jeez, let it go...

According to Forbes, Diddy and Jay Z are the richest men in the hip-hop industry. It goes to show that even in the hip hop industry, you can make it to the top through hard work, perseverance, and stealing other people's ideas.

In Michigan, a man with vehicle sex fetish was sentenced to treatment and probation. He's lucky all the vehicles he encountered were classic models, made at least 18 years ago.

A couple from California got married on Mount Everest. It was an amazing destination wedding that none of the guests made the climb for.

At American University in DC, 'audience dogs' are helping students reduce their performance anxiety when giving presentations. While students are much more confident when giving presentations, the content of their presentations has become mostly panting and barking.

In England, a man suspected of having sex with cows was hunted by police helicopter. When having sex with a cow, always stay for morning milk.

A recent study on condom sales shows that Saturday is the day most people have sex. Or at least, they’re pretty optimistic they will be.

An 88-year-old Georgia man graduates from college this semester. He'll be paying off debt until he dies.

New European research suggests that cannabis can reverse the aging process in the brain. Cuz, do you ever feel like time is... like... going backwards.... man....

This past week, Donald Trump threatened recently fired FBI Director James Comey, tweeting, “James Comey better hope that there are no "tapes" of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I wonder what Comey said on the Access Hollywood bus...

This week, the Footloose Twitter account briefly went rogue to attack Trump. But Mike Pence was the politician who banned dancing in his town!

[sirbizlow]

Monologue Jokes #46

A man flying All Nippon Airlines, ordered a gluten-free meal on a 9-Hour Flight from Tokyo to Sydney,  He received only a banana, coffee, and salt. I didn't know MacGyver was gluten free. 

A science teacher in New Mexico admitted to manufacturing meth. The White House announced it will "Build that NEW wall" around the state.

A driver in Pennsylvania pulled over for drunk driving told authorities her name was Hillary Clinton. The police immediately requested a warrant for the driver's emails.

A teen in Minnesota didn’t have a date to her Senior Prom, so she took her Harvard Acceptance Letter. Ehhh, I give them four years. 

Wheel of Fortune is under fire after pressuring Vanna White to lose 15 pounds. They also asked the Wheel to be "less round." 

A driver in Pennsylvania pulled over for drunk driving told authorities her name was Hillary Clinton. The driver blamed her drunken state on vodka... Russian vodka to be exact.

A baseball fan was grazed by stray bullet during a Cardinals game at Busch Stadium. And another fan was lucky enough to catch it!

This past week, France elected Emmanuel Macron as president over Marine Le Pen. Well, well, well, another country refused to elect a qualified woman.

This past week, Donald Trump hit 100 days in office, and many are claiming he has not accomplished much. But I  this we should give credit where credit's due- I barely accomplished crawling in my first 100 days.... as a baby.

[sirbizlow]

Monologue Jokes #45

Donald Trump hopes humans will set foot on Mars during his second term. I think many humans also hope to be living on another planet by then.

Hundreds of mice were found in a Singapore apartment after the apartment owners left the mice to breed. The same thing happened to me during my last babysitting gig.

The owner of an Indian Restaurant in Britain faced jail time after the establishment’s food killed a customer. To be fair, the chef forgot to cook the live tiger before serving it.

An past guest on Fox News has accused Sean Hannity of sexual harassment. You know, I’m starting to question Fox’s HR policies.

Hundreds of mice were found in a Singapore apartment after the apartment owners left the mice to breed. The owners said the mice were giving them hints that it was about to go down.

The owner of an Indian Restaurant in Britain faced jail time after the establishment’s food killed a customer. The food was taken in as an accomplice to the crime.

An past guest on Fox News has accused Sean Hannity of sexual harassment. “Oh no, impossible!” said nobody.

United Airlines is now offering passengers up to $10,000 on overbooked flights. This should help with the hospital bills.

A man in Baton Rouge tried to eat all of his marijuana before traffic stop. He’s just a typical grass-fed vegan.

The Chobani Yogurt company is suing right-wing radio host Alex Jones. The high fiber yogurt company claims Jones infringed on their trademark of “pushing shit.”

A Pepsi Warehouse in Russia Just Collapsed and Flooded a Town. Pepsi, the soda for the Next Generation… because this one just drowned in a Pepsi flood.

North Korea Stages Long-Range Artillery Drills. The drill is similar to how I would “stage” having a girl in my childhood bedroom.

At a Conference in Germany, the crowd hissed and booed at Ivanka when she defended her father. When asked why, the audience explained they were just trying to speak the language of family Trump - parsel tongue.

A specialized hairstylist is cutting customers’ hair using a sharp hatchet. Because *in Russia, hairstylist cuts you!* (*in Russian accent).