phee

they/she | 27 | writer

[sirensong8124]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 2/32

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Jean-Jacques Boiziau/Carter Vaughn, Jean-Jacques Boiziau & Scott Hunter, Jean-Jacques Boiziau & Shane Hollander & Hayden Pike, Eric Bennett & Jean-Jacques Boiziau & Kyle Swift, Gloria Grey/Carter Vaughn

Additional Tags: Friends to Lovers, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Lack of Communication, Bisexual Awakening, Post-Book 6: The Long Game (Game Changers), Slow Burn, Explicit Sexual Content, Pining, Idiots in Love

Summary:

I do not think you’re happy here. Not in a way that matters. But I have a good feeling about New York. Don’t you?

J.J. had never wanted to leave the Voyageurs. It was the team he'd been drafted to, and it was supposed to be the team he retired from. They're his hometown team—his second family. But when an unwanted trade sends him to the New York Admirals, he's forced to face some uncomfortable truths about the toxic environment he'd left behind. Thrown into a group of friends who love and support each other unconditionally, J.J. finds some important things he didn't even realize he'd been missing all along—a community, a home, a piece of himself. And maybe, if he can be brave enough, a person to love who sees him in a way no one else ever has.

Read from the beginning

[writinginasnowglobe]

i think at a certain point shane would start getting seriously annoyed at the seemingly widespread idea that he's somehow supposed to be "controlling" ilya. maybe it starts off as a lighthearted joke with the way some of their friends will glance at him in anticipation when ilya says something particularly asshole-y like they expect him to tell ilya off. and at the beginning maybe shane somewhat gets it (but really though, he doesn't) because yeah it's his reputation in the league and maybe the rivalry plays a part in it too, especially for people who've never gotten to know him, but eventually, it just starts pissing him off

they're at the kingfisher after a game in new york and scott and some of the other admirals are there along with a majority of the cens and they're all having a good time. ilya and some random admirals player are chirping each other and ilya says something a little mean in the asshole way he does with a small tilt of his lips. and shane can suddenly feel eyes on him from scott and carter and troy and various other players, and for a second he doesn't get it. he doesn't get it, until all he does is snort in response, because well, it was true and also pretty funny and ilya really is the funniest person he knows, okay, and ilya nudges him with a small smile when he hears it, but then the stares slowly morph into something like confused gapes, and all of a sudden, he gets it. it's not the first time it happens and it definitely won't be the last, but shane starts noticing it a lot more and it continues to piss. him. the. fuck. off.

hayden giving him an expectant glance when ilya is half-yelling and groaning with a few cens in the bar at the soccer game on tv, like shane is for some reason gonna tell him to quiet down. scott giving him a quick side-eye when ilya chirps about his age on the ice, like shane is gonna tell him to stop; like he doesn't find the multiple layers to ilya's chirps to scott genuinely impressive, like he doesn't find it amusing. evan, though to his credit he was mostly joking, making a sly comment about shane needing to hold ilya back from fighting during a game, like shane would do that when ilya is well-fucking-aware of when to pick fights and when not to because he is the second-best hockey player in the league; like shane doesn't also find it unbearably hot when ilya has a little blood on his knuckles and dripping down the corner of his lips as he calls out mean little quips at the other team with a smirk on his face

because the thing about their relationship is that shane is undeniably attracted to ilya being an asshole. he thinks it's funny. it almost definitely also turns him on. and he likes when ilya is mean and smug and rowdy and a little shit. he likes when ilya is an asshole to him because that's their banter and their foreplay. he likes when ilya is an asshole to other people because he pretty much always thinks what ilya says is hilarious. (plus it's the fact that shane is also an asshole; it's just that ilya says it out loud more often than he does)

and so the thing about their relationship that, for some fucking reason, other people don't get is that shane, from the very beginning, has always and will continue to like when ilya is an asshole. and yes, they're married (shane also thinks some people seem to forget this, because why would shane marry ilya if he truly doesn't like ilya's personality. he thinks other people are a little stupid sometimes.) but they're also best friends and bond over being the best at what they do and how competitive they are and that they're both a little bitchy at times

long story short, i think that at some point during the first season of them playing together, all of the cens (and various other friends/players) eventually learn, as shane continues to not react the way they expect him to, that shane is THE biggest ilya enabler. he won't tell ilya off or nag him, but is actually probably standing a little off to the side with a tiny little smirk on his lips and hearts (and a little heat) in his eyes as he watches his husband

[gurlsrool]

honestly we don’t talk enough about how Ilya and J.J. are star crossed besties. if they were drafted to the same team, they’d have a ten minute long secret handshake. they’d own the local club scene. they’d share one wardrobe of atrocious, flashy shirts. they’d have an obnoxious amount of inside jokes. they’d laugh about Shane Hollander being boring and it wouldn’t take long for J.J. to notice the glint in his best bro’s eyes. what could have beeeen!!

[lavenderprose]

My Vegas breakdown is making the rounds again and I would like to remind people that DOM DROP is real and also Ilya Rozanov has no idea that it's happening to him. Yes Ilya is a mean dom, especially that night, but the cigarette and vodka conversation was not part of the scene and the reason he's choosing not to communicate in that moment is because he is fully in Dom drop and literally feels like he cannot communicate. Shane, sitting next to him, is fully in sub drop and ALSO feels like if he actually opens his mouth to ask for what he wants (Kisses) then he's going to throw up or ask for something insane. Also they're in love and hiding it badly. Also Ilya is going back to Russia in a matter of days. Also Shane has been feeling some version of chewed up and spat out for over six months at this point. They're not doing WELL. And they're not doing it to each other it's just. Happening.

[bitchass97]

My Shane is an enabler. He’s gonna roll his eyes and tell ilya to fuck himself, but he loves that shit. He’s icing Ilya injuries after a fight barely hiding the fact that he found it funny. He’s providing information for chirps. He’s joining in on the fun cause he loves his husband. Idk man I just don’t think Shane, who fell in love with the NHLs biggest asshole is gonna be annoyed when he’s being an asshole.

[creamsiclemelt]

god i find the idea that ilya has to get fucked up the ass to combat his russian toxic masculinity so deeply tiring. second only to the idea that shane wanting to top would be a sign of "growth" in him

[snowsmoked]

Yuna showing Ilya photos of little baby Shane and they get to a photo of a naked two year old Shane grinning at the camera, shirt held up in his triumphant chubby fist. Yuna smiles and tells him how hard it was to keep clothes on Shane and that he’d rip them off whenever they weren’t looking. Without thinking Ilya says “so not much has changed, huh?” and then freezes because he can’t believe he just said that in front of his boyfriend’s mom until Yuna laughs so hard she spills her wine.

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

I have an irrational anger against how Rachel reid treats the closet. Like the reason many queer people choose to stay closeted is bcoz theyre cowards or whatever. like its the hetero trope of the asshole boyfriend asking his gf to keep their relationship a secret. Like. Thats not what the closet is. Some of us get hate crimed.

This is actually the biggest reason why I ended up hating the books so much. They display such a contempt for being in the closet. Scott and Shane are both condemned by the narrative for their desire to stay inside of it. Happiness comes when you Come Out and Live Your Truth 🌈🏳️‍🌈✨ in the most public possible way. Wanting to be in the closet is treated with such little compassion to the point where it’s borderline a moral failing. Even if all of the bad things that you were afraid of happen, you’ll still be happy, because you are Out and Living Your Truth 🌈🏳️‍🌈✨

I grew up in a space where it wasn’t super okay to be queer. The first few times I tried to come out to people went kind of shitty. And I had much better experiences than some of my friends. One of my friends told the wrong person that he was bi and that guy decided to try to beat the gay out of him.

To be frank, I am very angry at these books. I think its dialogue around the closet is devoid of compassion for the people in it. I think its treatment of outing is dangerously callous. And I’ve seen its mindset towards both be adopted by a lot of the people in this fandom. It makes me fucking mad.

[parcai]

my hot take of the day is that ilya actually runs a tighter ship than shane, not like as captain or anything i mean in the household.

1) afraid of being lazy 2) military son 3) slavic. shane has certain preferences for things sensory wise which is why he is neat abt his stuff, ilya will kill himself & everyone in the room there's a Difference. iykyk

[parcai]

@knucklecurve the way i deadass forgot the most crucial part. he is a control freak

[lexicanons]

AU where Cliff and Ilya used to hookup. There were never any romantic feelings. They’re just besties that would occasionally hookup. When Ilya and Shane marry, Cliff makes a joke to Shane about how he has to find him a replacement since he took Ilya. Cliff only meant it as a joke but Shane took it seriously. A few weeks later, Cliff gets this text: “Hey! This is JJ. I got your number from Ilya. Shane said you were looking for a roster replacement😈”

After they hookup for the first time, Cliff sends a thank you text to Shane and promises to get him a gift, and then tells Ilya that JJ is so much better in bed. “I saw God, Ilya. He made me see God.”

“You saw a demon.”

“Whatever it was, I saw it and I liked it. Now, would Shane prefer flowers or a gift basket?”

[ilyannarozanova]

I'm gonna start this off by saying I do not give a rat's stinky ass about HR book canon but I've read enough post-episode 6 fics to recognize that people are heavily favoring Ilya's fears and sacrifices over Shane's when it comes to TLG. Is this largely due to the same unexamined biases that caused Rachel Reid to make that god-awful list contrasting Shane and Ilya while writing that book? Probably! God knows she's given plenty of evidence she prefers Ilya over Shane just from her notes and recent comments alone. Which. Can I say. Yikes!

So. Anyway. Here's why the "oh poor Ilya he had to sacrifice everything and Shane didn't appreciate him enough" narrative pisses me off so bad.

Ilya wanted a second passport. Getting an American passport without marrying an American citizen is hellish at best, and impossible at worst. He WANTED to settle in Canada, and since the Metros probably couldn't afford both of them and being on the same team would be too risky at that point, Ottawa was a good option regardless. They needed a star center. They were willing to pay for one. Unless he wanted to go to the West Coast, Ottawa was a pretty good stepping stone on the path to a CA passport even if Shane wasn't part of the equation.

Meanwhile, Shane spends TLG terrified that if he's outed he will lose everything he worked his whole fucking life to gain. The respect of his peers in the world's whitest, most violent, hyper masculine sport. The support of a fanbase and team that drafted him and supported him since he was a rookie. His closest friends on the team, if they don't react well, and he has no reason to believe they'll be #pride #gayrights about it, especially if it comes out that Shane is gay for Rozanov.

Shane spends so much time being terrified that his career and personal life will be ruined and lo and fucking behold, when he's outed, that's exactly what happens. So Shane Hollander, Mr. Canada's Golden Boy, Mr. Lives Breathes And Eats Hockey, is forced to sacrifice his captaincy, his fans, his team, his legacy, and his mental and physical safety without even having a real choice about it.

Idk maybe I'm being dramatic but it just pisses me off when people baby Ilya because apparently "he moved to a Canadian team that could afford him and turned out to be extremely queer-friendly so he could (by his own choice) be closer to his boyfriend and get citizenship" = "he sacrificed everything for Shane who doesn't appreciate it because he's oblivious and selfish" while Ilya makes jokes about Shane's ED and how Shane isnt captain anymore and never acknowledges how fucking brutal it is to be in Shane's place. As if the whole situation is not life-shatteringly devastating for Shane.

Overall it just lands very wrong to me. Like maybe this is a hot take but #myilya would never kick Shane when he's down like that; in fact, farther down the line once Shane is comfortable on the new team and they've won a cup or two #myilya would probably offer Shane the captaincy (or co-captaincy ideally) because he knows it means more to Shane than it does to him. Because giving Shane that public power and control and chance to prove he's just as good a player and captain now as he always was would not only be devastatingly romantic, but would make a crazy statement about Ilya's trust in and respect for Shane in front of the whole world.

They are equals, but off the ice the world will never see them that way, and Ilya, who apparently sees "the dark side of hockey", has to know that. So having Ilya, the womanizer who starts fights and plays rough and brags about his huge dick and showboats with his shirt off in interviews, go "no fuck you all that's my fiance and he's the captain we deserve and I'm proud to be on HIS team" would be soooooo good. Again. Maybe a stupid hill to die on. But it's my hill and I shall die on it with pride #myhill

ANYWAY. Fandom and author bias has once again got me riled up on this fine morning how are y'all doing

[creamsiclemelt]

thinking a lottt about a great set of tags from @hothockey on this post but especially this part

we've all gotta embrace that ilya's kindaaaaa sleazy. and its fine. its hot, even

[creamsiclemelt]

and shane likes it!!! he likes that ilya kinda just Takes What He Wants. its hot! and its also a relief for shane. he doesn't want ilya constantly checking in, that would ruin the mood

and just as importantly that's NOT how ilya is!! its not!!! he's got a natural sleaziness about im that comes from being extremely hot and extremely sexually desirable and extremely skilled and extremely confident. it all coalesces into this ilya who pushes pushes and pushes and when he gets what he wants takes takes and takes

he's persistent about wanting shane and he's consistent in pushing shane's boundaries sometimes. ofc he backs down at times (asg scene where shane's soooo nervous but he's so pliable so he turns over anyways and doesnt say anything until ilya asks) but he is straight up still touching shane's hole the entire time. and afterwards, he rolls over on top of shane, he's pinning shane down. and he's not exactly trying to stop touching shane and breaking contact that may be making shane nervous.

someone else also may have seen shane's anxiety about hooking up again and maybe just stopped pushing, decided shane would come to him if he wanted. but ilya didn't!! he kept pushing. hollander you are having a panic attack. calm down and we'll set up a time to fuck, yeah?

[hr-rep]

Shane getting criticized for not using pride tape and he’s caught on a mic later that week saying I didn’t realize it wasn’t the sucking dick that made me gay but the rainbow . Which is how he comes out.

[hr-rep]

@persimmony-snicket EXACTLYYYY

[chocolate-smash]

okay I can’t keep it in anymore. Shane may be autistic, but he simply Would Not have a problem with things being too bright or loud. This boy plays HOCKEY, he is a SENSORY SEEKER, there is NO SUCH THING AS TOO BRIGHT AND LOUD. In my HEART OF HEARTS I know that this man used to stand in the middle of arcades as a child and soak in all of the different sounds and lights and flashy bits and finally feel like he’s getting enough sensation to settle into his own skin. He sleeps under 2 weighted blankets and preferably also another giant 250lb hockey player. He’s not having a problem with too much noise and stimulation. He plays recorded crowd noises from other sports games to focus on stuff. He’s fine sitting in wet clothes for an hour if that’s how long it takes to finish sexting before he gets changed. He’s a SENSORY SEEKER. LET HIM SEEK.

[moetxt]

i tried making a contrapuntal poem for hollanov, which can be read 3 ways: shane’s side alone, ilya’s side alone, or both sides together. inspired by the long game.

[misspiggyilya]

I am absolutely fucking screaming

[shaneaxel]

i just KNOW troy and ilya have the most vile, twitter cancel-able text conversations. they’re hockey players (insults as bonding), queer, had/have terrible fathers, became friends when they were both going through it…

troy texts ‘running late’ and ilya responds with ‘faggot.’ troy hearts the message. they send and make kill yourself jokes. they’re rating their shits. when hr-verse charlie kirk gets shot, troy is sending the video and ilya is hearting it. obviously they’re vetting dick pics but the ranking is incomprehensible. troy is making russia jokes. they’re sending sonic porn. creating convoluted bond-villain style ways to kill people (only like, 75% of the people have actually wronged them)

[apageinthisbook]

hayden pike has this hetero-centric idealistic fantasy of finding jackie a friend that is also shane’s spouse. he wants to be a couple of couples. the ‘wives’ hang out and are best friend and the ‘husbands’ hang out.

when women don’t work out, and he’s forced to find shane a boyfriend, it’s still with this idea in his head that shane’s boyfriend will just be an extension of shane like jackie is for him. jackie and shane’s man will be friends. so that hayden doesn’t lose his Shane Time (tm). he’s trying to find shane a man who can be his Wife and jackie’s friend, thus completing their perfect heteronormative group of four. without disrupting existing dynamics.

he can’t fathom shane getting with a Man. a Bro, a Jock, a Man who is a guy who is plainly a guy, ya know. that’s why ilya messes with his head so much. ilya, in hayden’s mind (and in reality, but pike is going to get bitter in his own head), ilya rozanov is better than him in everything. and the crux of it is that ilya gets to have shane. ilya gets to infringe on what hayden thought only he had the special privilege of getting. in hayden’s mind, shane is a prize and ilya won. but also back to the point, ilya is very clearly a man and in a gay relationship with shane. a gay relationship that hayden can’t comfortably assign hetero roles to (he doesn’t—can’t—imagine shane ‘being the girl’ and rozanov messes with both this idea and the fantasy. if shane would just dump him and get with a yoga guy, or a personal trainer, or any number of more ‘acceptable’ gay men, then hayden can have his happy little life and his happy little wife and his happy little second wife(shane) who also has his own happy little wife.

ilya gets along with jackie great, and the kids, but he’s a man who would rather hang out with his boyfriend/husband and ‘the guys’ than sit and be jackie’s little friend who is married to shane. that’s what’s at the core of hayden’s continued dislike of ilya.

[shut-up-gwen]

The irony of the situation is that Ilya would probably be good friends with Jackie. He would happily hang out with her and the kids while Shane and Hayden grill burgers or some shit. He would chat with her on double dates if Shane and Hayden are too involved in their own conversation.

But he would do it all while being a Man. Not only that, a bisexual Man with a long history of sleeping with women who flirts for fun and makes Hayden feel inadequate (for the reasons you explained). So now he doesn’t want Ilya and Jackie to be friends.

In the end, Hayden’s the one keeping them from having the nice little friends group he wanted.