I'm so sick of not being taken seriously
i know im kind of anti-psych but ive been bearing the weight of sitting on the fence between normal and different because all of my friends have gotten diagnoses but only I, for some reason, like life wants me to be confused, am refused a diagnosis by my parents and case manager, while all my other friends got closure. I never got a diagnosis for depression or neurodivergence or even given antidepressants or any other medication. Hell, I dont think i saw any psychiatrist. Even though ive been feeling miserable for 2 years and still at high risk of relapsing.
after my attempt I convinced myself im normal and this will be over soon. I wasnt. Yes i recovered, but these 3 months ive been pushing myself to be normal, convincing myself im automatic with my studies and convincing myself there is nothing wrong with me, its just my environment. but there reaches a point where recovery plateaus at an unsatisfactory level and here I am, still extremely unprepared for a major exam coming up and still bedrotting. Hell, my recovery might be false because i was forced into it, and if i show signs of relapsing im gonna get even more restricted. Guess why i use tumblr now? because my other social media are heavily restricted since "theyre the problem".
I suspect extreme masking. this kind of masking isnt the "i suppress how i dress and how much i talk so that people will like me" its the kind of masking where i behave like my authentic self but whether that authentic self is copied from other people is the question here
and its not purely environmental conditioning because when i do these copied/authentic behaviours i still feel something off, like this isnt me, i dont know who the hell i am
I'm 15 turning 16 this year. If I don't get a diagnosis now, then its never, because once I hit 18 I have no idea how bad my masking is gonna be.
