How to Grow a Rope (And Other Mandatory Survival Skills)
Hello again, readers,
It’s official—I passed probation! The Chief confirmed it via paperless fax (which, yes, is just a fax machine that growls and projects expressions directly into your retinas). Their verdict? A thumbs-up and what might have been a smile. Or indigestion. Hard to tell when your boss communicates in telepathic emoticons.
Anyway, I feel I must give you all a bit of an update from the breakroom zipline. I survived the breakroom zipline! My reward? A semi-sentient rope burn (it keeps whispering ‘worth it’) and a shiny new badge: ‘Zipline for Beginners (No Deaths Yet)’. The Chief was so proud, they manifested a single confetti ball over my desk. It exploded into glitter that spells ‘CONGRATS’ backwards when viewed in a mirror.
After breaking out of the break room, I received another paperless fax containing the week’s itinerary of chores. Nothing too strange, my first task was to explore the campsite and make sure that the “Legion of survivalist scouts” had safely exited the camp. Now, as you would think, dear reader, I do not know what these scouts look like, but the Chief, in their infinite wisdom, told me I can spot them by the little red feather on their berets.
So I collected my Ranger pack and off I went down the track, and I stumbled upon the beret-wearing scouts with the red plume of feathers and made a friend in the Leader Richard Johndoe, he coaxed me into sitting by the fire with marshmallows where I earned my 's’more lore telling and lying ’ badge. It was quite simple, really. Leader Johndoe was telling me and the Scouts his time as a Royal Marine, and I told him about the time I was an Air Cadet and nearly lost my walking boot to Quick Mud.
I think this impressed him and he probably felt a little underqualified as he asked me to go back to my outpost, and it was a good job I did considering on the way back I found a cave full of berets—red feathers still attached, still perched on skeletons in suspiciously ‘at ease’ poses. Now, I’m no forensic expert, but I’m pretty sure wool doesn’t fossilise. I did what any rational person would: gathered them all, dumped them in Lost & Found, and ate three marshmallows to cope.
Rolling onto the next day, I was told I was doing a talk about Ropes and how to grow them with the scouts before they venture into the Riddler’s Cave. Turns out, rope-growing is 10% horticulture, 90% negotiation. Leader Johndoe kept insisting, ‘ropes don’t grow, they’re made,’ but then the Static Cord in the breakroom hissed at him, and he shut right up. Here’s what I learned:
Natural Rope Varieties of the Outpost
Whispering Vine Ropes
"Harvested from the Perimeter Fence (do not listen to their advice)."
Static Cord
"Grows in the breakroom corners. Only visible at 3:03 AM. Resists knot-tying out of spite."
Chief-Approved Synthetic
"Issued in khaki. Glows when near dimensional weak points."
Pretty neat stuff, right? Well, Leader Johndoe said he would teach me how to grow them once he finishes surviving the Riddler’s cave.
The rest of the week was blissfully uneventful—just chores like ‘reorganise the vending machine by eeriness level’ and ‘defrost the Chief’s coffee mug’ (it was never frozen). But before I go, here’s a mandatory memo from the Chief.
This is Ranger J signing off - See weird, Say weird, Stay weird.
EDIT FROM CHIEF: Ranger J’s probationary grade: B+. Points deducted for excessive marshmallow consumption during fieldwork.
A week in the life of Ranger J—featuring sentient burns, scouting skeletons, and a Chief who faxes threats
OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM THE CHIEF (VIA TELEPATHIC BULLETIN #42)
All personnel must affix the ‘New Employee’ badge sticker to their designated gear (see: water bottles, laptops, foreheads) by [REDACTED DATE]. Failure to comply results in:
Automatic enrollment in ‘Advanced Zipline Testing’
Your Funemployed Patch downgraded to ‘Mildly Employed’
The trees knowing your name
🔗 Acquire your badge here
📜 For full orientation materials (including ‘How to Survive the Vending Machine’)
Welcome to the Otherworld Outpost: Where Trees Whisper and Badges Glow
Hello, dear reader! It appears that you have stumbled upon my work-mandated blog, which the Chief said is now part of my job description and stated in my contract, and I must document strange forest stories for ‘archival purposes’ (or maybe just their amusement).
In all fairness I don’t actually remember applying for this job or really how I got here I was just walking the ‘beaten path’, needed a wee, and well now I’m wearing brand new khaki shorts and a hat with a polo adorning this logo of the Otherworld Outpost, the Chief in all their infinite wisdom and ominousness said I have to show you it and tell you that you can get a sticker of it for your water bottles.
They also said I must talk about something weird as well as our motto is ‘See something weird’, so I suppose I will talk about the tree I saw on the way here, it was like normal trees, I suppose, but it had a face on it made of bottle caps and plastic… I guess it’s not really that weird, just some mindless vandalism to nature by a family or something, but it started whispering of a recycled past life and then began pining for a new lease on life. (Not really weird, is it, a talking tree?)
But then again, I could talk about the Chief here; they are quite strange. They wear the same Khaki shorts and silly hat I do, plus they have the signature polo shirt on, but they also have a bandana around their neck—you know the ones the scouts wear, but theirs has badges on it! Weird badges though nothing like the ‘great chippy hike’ one of them is ‘Alien first responder’ oh! And this really cute one with a gerbil on it, they said it was ‘excellent tunnelling skills in sawdust by embodying a gerbil’. Quite weird if you ask, but then again, I don’t have many achievements to rant about. Before I got this job, I was ‘Funemployed’ which conveniently has earned me a patch that appeared on a sash seconds after typing this! Ha that is another weird thing! (The patch is kinda cool, it glows in the dark)
Anyway, back to the Chief! Like I said, they dressed like me because it is the uniform and littered with cool patches with a sick feather in their hat, but they have a face I simply can’t describe and a voice. They never even blinked or opened their mouth to speak it was all in our minds (super weird—and that makes what, three now?)
You dear reader must think I’m mental for not freaking out but I just saw my contract and well I’m making bank and looking out at nature and According to the Chief, strange forest stories are ‘80% of our funding.’ The other 20%? Mysterious vending machine revenue.
Perhaps this little ranger job won’t be so bad after all and next week I can tell you more about the outpost office once I find the key to get back in I locked myself out onto the balcony, I could use the zipline to get into the breakroom but the Chief said I need to get my ‘to zip or not to zip off the balcony test badge’ whatever that’s supposed to mean.
This is Ranger J signing off - See weird, Say weird, Stay weird.
If I had a penny for every time a politician met a head of state and said head of state dies, I’d have two pennies. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it has happened twice
Former Prime Minister Liz Truss met the Queen of England and then she died, then she crashed the UK economy and was then in a one sided challenge against a Lettuce to see who would last longer lettuce Liz or queen killer Liz… the lettuce won. But the queen was still dead
If I had a penny for every time a politician met a head of state and said head of state dies, I’d have two pennies. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it has happened twice
Barty: is it true you don't wank anymore
Regulus: what are you talking about?
Barty: Everyone says James broke your heart, so you can't wank anymore
Regulus: Please stop speaking
Evan: If I don't wank every day, my balls go blue
Regulus: i don't need to know that
I love being a natural born bullshitter cause do I know what the fuck I'm talking about?? not most times... but am I going to make you think I do?? absolutely
Well I bet at the age of 14 you didn’t get a hold of the rankest cheapest cologne from Avon assimilate the smell to Sirius Black and then proceed to douse your pillow in it thinking it was his bed.
Quick PSA for the folks who have started watching the Handmaids Tale due to current events and/or tik tok.
TAKE THE SHOW SLOWLY!
Season 2 episode 1 is dark as hell and the cinematography is phenomenal yes but very skilled in bringing the darkness to the show.
The themes and imagery is intense and I would highly suggest just 1 episode a day or even a week at most you need to take regular breaks as this show can really affect your mental wellbeing.
Take it from someone who doesn’t find most things disturbing I can’t bring myself to watching that first episode of the 2nd season because of how poetically devastating that opening sequence is.
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