Continuing on the post about Rhys being too stupid/oblivious/silly to be in the military, I had to transcribe this classic skit about the time he got lost inside his own camp.
Rhys: So we set up our little site, in the bush, and uh, we set up our little hootchies which are these tents. And we've got face-paint on and we can't say a word. It's tactical. The New Zealand SAS were after us, trying to find us. So it was very scary, I was only 17.
And then we did these shifts to guard the area, and mine was between 2am and 4am. And I got taken out to where the point was, through the trees, and it was dark, very dark.
The guy went away, *mimes holding a gun and shivering* and I'm sitting there til 4am, shivering my arse off.
And then, 4am, I go back to get the next guy. I start walking back, it's only about a 5-minute walk back to where the tents were but 10 minutes later, I have no bloody idea where I am. And so...
*Miming holding a gun and looking around in a panic, voice pitched up to how he sounded at 17* Ohhh shit! ohmygoohhhhhoowhatthefuck! *high-pitched whine*
Another 5 minutes and I just panic and I just break the tactical rule.
*Miming holding a gun, shakes it up and down like a cartoon character who's angry* OhhhhhOOOooo...
Heyyyyyyyyy!!! Hey guYS!!
C'mon ImreallycoLLLLDDDD!! Guys!
*High-pitched whimpering and crying*
This is BULLSHIT. There'sNOWARON we're BEING STUPID. Wieeuuu... *more crying*
PLEASE! Idunnoknow WHERE I AM.
*Stomping like a frustrated toddler*
I 🦶 DO 🦶 NOT 🦶 KNOW 🦶 WHERE 🦶 I 🦶 AM!
I'M GONNA FIRE MY GUN STUPID THING ANYWAAAYYYYYY *more sobbing*
*even more high-pitched* I'mgonnaFIREIT.
*sulking* I'm just gonna fire it I don't caaaarrreeee --WAH!! *mimes getting his foot grabbed*
Normal voice: Someone grabs my foot.
*Mimes being thrown to the ground*
I land on the ground and this big corporal lands on top of me.
*Now doing the voice of the corporal, much deeper but hushed voice, finger on lips* Shutthefuckupshutthe--!!!
*Back to baby-Rhys voice with his hands up in surrender* aaaHHH!! AHH-HA!!
Corporal: Jesus Christ, fucking 'ell! Darby! It's you!
Corporal: We thought you were the SAS trying to psyche us out! You've been walking around the centre of camp for the last half an hour!
Baby-Rhys: eeEEEHHHIiinoooo I'm FREEZING. Feel my hands!
*Normal voice* So the tents were around in a circle and I was right in the middle, walking round *mimes holding gun, turning around* and all the soldiers were standing to like this:
And you could hear twigs breaking to start off with, and then a slow progression of, *hushed* whatisit??
*sounding like a haunted, high-pitched demon*
*mimes soldiers freaking out, makes tactical gestures with hands that look an awful lot like wanking and putting a hat on*
*More freaking out, shushing the other soldiers, more wanking gestures*
Normal Rhys: Until they worked out it was my voice. Which is odd, because you'd think they'd get that straight away.
So I kinda thought at that point maybe the army wasn't right for me...
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