me? probably

Robert I 22 I Queer I German °likes to think he is an artist °Currently hooked on wings and forever stuck in middle-earth

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[butim-justharry-deactivated2019]

I answered the phone at the family business long before I got my own cell phone and I still feel a VIVID rush of embarrassment whenever I remember the first time I answered my cell phone and automatically said “(family business), how can I help you?” and then heard my dad just dying of laughter at the other end

[unanimousredundancy]

A friend of mine would play a Roman Centurion in a historical re-enactment. One day he was walking thru the halls of his school and started shouting “Make way, make way” and shoving thru. He was mortified

[angstriddentrashhuman]

The human brain is inherently bugged software

[kovir]

Loyalty does not mean obligation. Only justice is blind.

[excima]

me

[laughingbear]

FINALLY GOT TO ADD MOIRA!! This is an updated version of my previous support piece!

thank you blizzard for making her purple… to fulfill this rainbow… ;w;

[jadeitor-art]

[pkpaulshow]

Days since last accident

[simonjnewport]

Hawthorne and Louis

[hermajestyschimera]

Crown of Tempests by Dima Goryainov

[boromirs]

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow

[jsmulligan]

I feel bad that this made me laugh.

[unfugbilder]

[nagunkgunk]

MEOW-9

[thexostranger]

we fight,   we die,           and we live  a g a i n.

[radioactivepeasant]

It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.

I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?

And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”

Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”

“Why?!”

“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”

And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.

[adrenaline-revolver]

“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.” “Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?” “It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.” “I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated. 

[radioactivepeasant]

Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic

[talkingbirdguy]

Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.

[beka-tiddalik]

“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”

“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”

[uristmcdorf]

“Seriously. Get a supply of safe animals for the humans to bond with or they will make their own. I mean, they will try to befriend anything they come across anyway, but without any permanent pets they can get… creative. Don’t even get me started on the time one of them taped a knife to one of our auto-cleaners and named it Stabby. Three weeks in and when we finally caught the wretched thing, half the humans on crew tried to revolt about us “killing” Stabby by removing the knife. “How… how did you resolve that sir?” “Glaxcol made a toy knife out of insulation rubber and strapped that on instead. Quite a creative solution, I suppose.” “And that sated the humans? “Worse.” “Worse?” “They thought it was so funny they made a second one, strapped false eyes on springs to both and held mock battles. Then decided Stabby and Knifey were in love and now none of them will allow the others to stage fights between them any more.”

[deetsvibre]

“So, if I supply my Humans with safe bonding pets they will behave better when on other planets? Where do I get safe bonding pets?”

“Realizing the havoc their species created with their bonding needs, Earth has been kind enough to create an inter galactic ‘pet’ shop as they call it, the order forms are on the bridge.”

“If they get a pet this should prevent any knife welding auto-cleaners?”

“Yes…”

“You don’t sound very reassuring.”

“Well… You have to understand that some of what humans find attractive about their ‘pets’ is actually what makes them dangerous. Not all of what they consider ‘safe’ is what we would consider ‘safe’.”

“OK… I am getting a little nervous about this.”

“No, no, it’s fine, I’m just saying you should maybe keep an eye on what they order. Ask them to describe the creature before they get it. For example, the first time I had a human on board I let them order a pet without checking what it was.”

“What happened?”

Well, when it arrived it was a 25 pound fanged and clawed feline creature called a Savannah Cat. My entire crew was terrified of it, it was agile and could easily have seriously injured someone, but the human had no fear of it. They insisted on carrying it around like a child, and they would squeeze it’s ‘beans’ as they said, forcing the creatures claws out, and then they would show people it’s deadly claws while saying, and I quote, ‘look at its adorable claws, this is what it uses to kills things, isn’t it cute?’“

“Seriously?”

“I have also heard stories from other crews that their humans ordered canines that weigh as much or more then they do, and they sleep next to the giant creature.”

“You are not making me feel better with these stories…”

[lianabrooks]

“Captain, the Mei-Human has ordered a new bonding pet. And it arrived.”

“Is there a problem?”

“It is the size of my hand, has eight legs, and there is a label on the box that reads VENOMOUS.”

“This must be a mistake. Let’s find Mei-human and see if she can explain how this happened.”

They found Mei-human working in the science lab…

“Mei-human, your bonding pet has arrived but there seems to have been a mistake made in shipping.”

“Oh, no! Captain, did Fluffy die?”

“Fluffy?” The captain moved six tentacles in confusion. “Who is Fluffy?”

“My Martian Fur Spider,” Mei-Human said. “You told me I could order anything as long as it was cute and loveable.”

“Mei-Human,” said the bosun, “our understanding is that arachnids are considered frightening to humans.”

“Well, some people don’t like spiders, but I think they’re adorable! I already picked out a name and made a small habitat for it in my quarters. Fluffy will love it.”

The captain and bosun exchanged worried pheromones. 

“What about the warning of venom?” the captain asked.

“Oh, Martian Fur spiders don’t produce enough venom to kill anyone, even when they’re grown. I checked to make sure Fluffy couldn’t hurt the crew. The bite will only itch, but they can be trained not to bite.”

The captain flapped its gills in a breathy sigh. Humans… “Very well. We will unleash the Fluffy.” 

The captain and the bosun walked Mei-Human to her quarters and delivered the small box containing Fluffy the Martian Fur spider. As the doors opened they saw that Mei-Human had cleared her longest wall and stacked balls of yarn over most the floor.

“Mei-Human,” the captain said as a feeling of dread filled its soul, “how large will Fluffy grow?”

“Oh, no one has ever grown a Martian Fur spider larger than three meters before. She’ll fit in the ship, no problems. I measured the corridors. And they can curl up very small when they want to. The yarn is just there to give her something to cuddle in when she sheds her outer skin.” 

Mei-Human smiled cheerful as she released a glistening red creature with luxurious fur and two-inch fangs onto her floor.

“Isn’t she the cutest?”

[radioactivepeasant]

@arcticfoxbear I feel like you might appreciate this

[cell113]

Every time these come across my dash, they get BETTER.

[asynca]

[bofurs]

Gandalf takes Legolas and the hobbits to a gay bar. [source]

[everyjourneylove-deactivated201]

OMG YASSSSS!!!!!

[hellyeahrihannafenty]

Tom Holland does Rihanna’s “Umbrella” on Lip Sync Battle

[dr0wnedperfectionist]

I’m literally zendaya reacting like he didn’t have to go that hard and yet..