Feeling everything today
I'm writing this so I don't continue to overshare with my friends & family.
Last October I had a panic attack that really fucked me up mentally. Through that though, I became much closer with my husband and my Mom.
Over the last year I've worked really hard on my mental health - I pride myself of being someone who is great at recognizing when I need help (therapy) and pushing myself (going for walks, eating when I don't feel like it).
Aniexty and depression are a rollercoaster, they will eb and flow. I'm typically pretty good about riding the wave, but this mentstal cycle feels like absolutely PPMS overload and I've had a tough couple of days. Whenever I have moments of strong aniexty it always comes back to "and this is why I shouldnt be a Mom" which throws me into a depression hole.
I'm a happily married women, my husband and I are in a place where I feel ready to have a child. The only thing holding us back is me and my mental health. I've always feared that my aniexty and depression will make me a bad Mom or that I shouldn't have children because of aniexty and depression. It took me a really long time to make the decision - I am not the best at making decisions - and I really want to be a Mom, raise a child with my husband. I feel like I have so much love to give and I think in some aspects I'd be a great Mom. I've always been great with kids, and the idea of raising a child brings me joy. Its terriying for sure but I had the most amazing Mom in the world, and I would love to give that to a child.
But I feel that I'm too broken to become a Mom.
If I was taking to a friend who came to me with this I would say:
Motherhood is tough, but you are tougher, you are stronger and have already overcome so much. You have looked depression in the face and said "Fuck off". You have asked for help and advocated for yourself when you needed more from therapy. You have pushed yourself through dark moments. You deserve happiness and love and will be an amazing mother.
