mmyes

Ryan | they/them | 26

[weaver-z]

I do not get the unslaked thirst for Mads Mikkelsen on his website. He looks like Hideo Kojima's tragic purse dog in every photograph of him that exists

[lefoo]

118.149.41.51

[weaver-z]

[pangur-and-grim]

listen listen listen, I promised to stop spending money and I WILL stop spending money, but I really actually needed to buy a tiny bed frame with a little mattress and blanket and pillow for my cat and put it beside my queen-sized bed so that we can be bedtime buddies, but it’s okay I will not make any unnecessary purchases starting right now

[pangur-and-grim]

[pangur-and-grim]

LISTEN HERE. I, UH. 

[grimelords]

I had a dream about a cowboy movie last night and I woke up to write it down so I would remember

[37q-archive]

its been 2 years since hear it hurgling has changed my life forever

[beesmygod]

the gamespoot event

[forcesensitivebantha]

wolves and shrimp are related and I can prove it

[forcesensitivebantha]

if they weren't related why would I have THIS PHOTO? checkmate

[forcesensitivebantha]

hey who let me on the internet when I was high on cough syrup

[transitiveunacomplishedfool]

op i had a very vivid image in my head because of this post so i think ur right

[exitwound]

electric stoves aren’t real btw they’re placebo stoves. your food cooks because of the placebo effect

[transarsonist]

yeah no its just a bunch of LEDs that turn red, it only boils water because you expect the water to boil

[citrono-kirbo]

[badassdemonsword]

[bedpsyching]

[micro-usb-deactivated20230625]

Duolingo has learned my only weakness: fictional goth women

[baldification]

lol this would make me stop doing it out of spite. i don't take orders from hairys (hairèd people)

[micro-usb-deactivated20230625]

new type of guy just dropped 

[doggirlhen]

updated for our modern times

[prokopetz]

Trainability in cats is a funny thing.

My cats understand and will obey a number of verbal commands, one of which is “go away”. I don’t use it often, but if they’re bugging me and I’m trying to work or doing something that could be dangerous for cats, I can tell them to go away, and off they go - they’ll only keep pestering me if there’s a serious problem they need me to look at.

That said, their idea of a serious problem that requires my attention is somewhat eccentric. Previous instances have included:

There was an unfamiliar car parked across the street

Their water bowl was four inches to the left of its usual position

One of them had puked on the stairs and they didn’t want to walk past it

It was raining

One of them saw a weird bug

[hollowedskin]

These are all very important things that required your attention. They’re doing a good job.

[blenderweaselhasopinions]

Dogs really aren’t much better.  I teach all my dogs the command “show me”.  How it works is if the dog needs something but I’m having trouble understanding what exactly they’re trying to tell me, I say “show me” and they lead me to whatever the problem is.  Usually they lead me to a real problem (like a toy that got stuck under the couch, their water bowl is empty, etc).  But sometimes they want me to fix things like this-

They pulled the covers off my bed and now they want me to put the covers back

They put their ball on top of the ottoman but the ottoman won’t throw it for them

The cat is sleeping and won’t chase them

A flower fell off the potted plant

The cat is sitting in a box and they don’t like it

One of them lost their bandana

The cat won’t take the toy they’re trying to give her

The cat DID take the toy they gave her and now they want it back

[thouroghly-inconsequential]

These are all very important things that required your attention. They’re doing a good job.

[bamsara]

anyway did i ever tell you guys about how I owe my life to an enderman when playing minecraft

[bamsara]

i didn't even know that this was possible but I had to say thank you looking at the damn ground

[cleansingreflections-deactivate]

they wouldn't have censored us like this on the jeremy renner app

[pastebun]

think again

[wizardonline]

bringing back megafauna NOW

[wizardsisananimal]

[scayzel]

Hehe omg you hang up first! noooo you hang up! hehehe stooooooop omgggg no you hang up!

[joshpeck]

let me be perfectly clear

[the-arthropod-queen]

oh, i see

[revretch]

I appreciate your transparency

[ryebreadgf]

so many ppl on tiktok will be like ‘look at my epic style glow up omg my style used to be so cringe’ and it just shows them wearing clothes that were in fashion in 2015 and then clothes that are in fashion now like baby that’s what happens when u don’t have ur own sense of style

[twofingerswhiskey]

got called “omg vintage” by a secretary in training at the dentist’s office on sunday because i wore a shirt that was in style five years ago like. ma’am i bought that in 2016

[unpatchedglitch]

this is WILD you can’t just leave this in the tags lmaoo

[twofingerswhiskey]

(cw: adult story below)

okay so basically the story went that he has. a fetish for guys with tats and piercings and this culminated in him getting real teeth KNOCKED OUT during a glory hole incident in 98 or 99 he can’t remember but basically the guy thrust in as he was catching his breath. and. teeth got knocked out. he was THAT HARD. 

so he gets dental implants and continues on his way, assured that he’ll never have to lose any more teeth. he used to bartend blah blah and was always complimented on his teeth but he eventually got them SNAPPED OUT during an altercation with a drunk guy and he got different ones put in and was like “oh, so this is a recurring theme in my life” and decided that he was going to swear off bartending.

so he moved out this way and started his “dick-sucking career” anew, hopeful, wide-eyed. and managed to get a piercing snagged on his fucking tonsil and they have to GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM TOGETHER BECAUSE THE GUY IS STUCK IN HIS FUCKING THROAT AND HE CAN ONLY BREATHE IF HE BREATHES AROUND THE DICK. it was at this moment i remembered that one fucking movie where a guy gets his prince albert piercing stuck in a lady as a killer is busting into the room and dies because he won’t cut it off and run or something

also as this is happening i’m waiting on x-ray results so i’m just. there lmao

and he was talking about how the guy NUTTED. IN THE AMBULANCE. BECAUSE OF THE VIBRATION OF THE ROAD. IN HIS THROAT. AND THEY HAD TO SUCTION IT OUT. WHAT THE FUCK. but it turns out that there was a bad cut to his gums as well because it was a spiked fucking piercing so he just. had to get a couple teeth replaced. again.

and they dated. for 2 more years. until he moved to serbia or something i forget that part i was laughing to hard. it might have been spain. idk anyways

the bf got stopped by airport security because this was a few years after 9/11 and he had to take half his piercings which were not “safe metals” for metal detectors (“because DIY punks are hotter” was his reason??) and he was like “do i take the dick one out too” (no, but he did get taken to be privately searched.) and it ended up, that his boyfriend (the guy in the dental office) laughed so hard, after hearing this story repeated, that he slipped and smacked face first into the edge of a table. and LOST HIS TEETH AGAIN, and ended up walking around “like a fucking christmas carol about wanting two front teeth” until his bf sent him money to get them fixed and then broke up with him “for some hot young thing”

so he gets new ones! and they lasted! they really did! for years!

and then, #4, was on sunday. he was so “inspired” after he was allowed to go on dates again. because quarantine and no-socialising rules and shit have hit hard here multiple times. that he “went too hard” at a small gay bdsm gathering. and he managed to both bend his teeth inwards and fuck his molars up FROM DICK SUCKING. and he was like “i was tied up there, thinking about how many times this has happened. and how some evil gay witch put a curse on me for being too good at sucking dick.” 

and he went on about how the kink club in question is technically helping to pay for this because they felt SO BAD and the guy who did this laughed his ass off and was like. i don’t have any money but once you get your teeth fixed - and the guy was like NO. I AM NOT SUCKING YOU OFF EVER AGAIN LOOK WHAT YOU DID

also this was told by the most middle-aged, boring looking man on earth. like picture an accountant, but gay and VERY clumsy and funny

[ramranchcowboycocks69]

[historianoftumbles]

What was this post about again??

[autisticexpression]

Fashion I believe.

[guerrillatech]