itty bitty little things

[skylarkpanda]

i feel stuffy. prickled. stretched too thin too soon. is it my hormones or over-stimulation or both and more? i wish i could be pickled. conserved for later. thoughts marinated in quietness' labour. no chitter-chatter of a body that holds frustrations it can't name or blame.

[skylarkpanda]

Musings on an August night

What do you do when you want to be swallowed up,

Either by the earth, ocean, sky, or another human,

But you're too distant from everything,

And too close to yourself,

As if you're prying open the inner heart of the sun,

While melting away in the raging heat,

As if you're a log flowing down the stream,

While rotting from within in the churning waters?

What do you do,

When the experience of being yourself,

Feels like you're chewing on a rose plant;

You're drawn to the scent,

But the thorns are poking your windpipe?

What do you do,

When all that could be said and done,

Evaporates and glitters along with the dust,

In your room, your veins, your heart, your mouth?

What do you do,

When you see the ghosts of yesterdays,

Still, lurking around in todays,

Walking in front of you into tomorrows?

What do you do,

When time passes but you never grow up,

Like the fading kittens around the world,

Yet, the voice of reason urges you on,

To do adult things in an adult body with a childish temper?

What do you do,

When August tastes like salt instead of jazz,

And your soul is lost,

In the memories of a June, long gone, long loved?

[skylarkpanda]

Chasing glimmers

Recently, I read of 'glimmers' - twin sister of triggers. Moments where life overflows and you feel full inside out. So, now I'm chasing glimmers instead of triggers. And I suddenly wanted to send flowers to myself. Because, here I am, still. Even so, I could not to hurt those tender things. So, I resorted to these words. And at 4:44 am on a random Wednesday, I send them to myself. Wednesdays have always soothed my soul. I'm thankful for Wednesdays. What a joy, I've found myself another glimmer! My heart is content and bright. Just like that, I am complete. And it feels good. Truly. Undoubtedly. Entirely.

[skylarkpanda]

Loving yourself is simply the act of extending and returning courage, support, empathy and compassion to yourself not only when you're winning, but also when you don't feel worthy enough to receive these gifts from any source. It's the very idea that you know you messed up or that you're still learning and growing, but that doesn't make you any less deserving of honest, genuine and understanding love. It's the excitement that helps you give yourself an extra boost of confidence and abundant energy on a good day. It's the awareness when you catch yourself before you fall and break on a bad day. And it's a constant process of doing and undoing, of giving and taking - an infinity loop starting from within you and finally going back to you. The more you grow, the more you water yourself. The more you're nourished, the more you grow.

[skylarkpanda]

Life repeats itself, one way or another. Is this a curse or a blessing? I think it's a bit of both. To know that every little thing will be repeated at some point later on and that nothing ever truly is lost gives you hope right? The patterns, the seasons, the colors, the emotions, and the heartaches ... everything and everyone will come full circle again. It really is the circle of life. But it also awakens you to the fact that no matter how many times something might repeat, it'll never be the same again. I'll meet the people I miss in new faces tomorrow but they could never replace the ones I've lost or loved. I'll live the experiences I've once enjoyed again but I'll never soak them in as I did before simply because I've grown older. And I'll be in new places that have become my second and third homes but they'll never reach the deepest part of my soul like my true home. I'll love like I used to, but my heart would be bigger, more open, and more flavourful... and just like that, the bittersweetness of life will always stick around - for "things never happen the same way twice" (Aslan in Chronicles of Narnia) but "things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end - if not always in the way we expect" (Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter).

[skylarkpanda]

today was a good day :)

[skylarkpanda]

perhaps there's nothing more to living than aching with a dying heart and to life than reaching for what will never stay

perhaps there's nothing more to dying than feeling the release from the chaos of humanity and to death than embracing what had never left

[skylarkpanda]

Have you ever felt a tingle in your mouth when you speak someone's name, like, not as a word but as a feeling? I mean those times when their name is no longer just a combination of letters or a way to identify them from the crowd. In those moments, the entirety of your love and admiration for them bubbles forth from your insides - all at once - as the tugging at your heartstrings grows stronger, so much so that for a second you're left breathless. And by the time you remember to breathe again, all you can manage is a whisper in the shape of their name, ringing out of your throat like a lullaby from the heart of the ocean.

[skylarkpanda]

why is sunlight so pretty?

[skylarkpanda]

all that i crave is a bit of skin, a sense of touch, the memory of a feeling, another presence in the same space as mine, a tangible existence, seeming to have annoyingly made manifest only to constantly remind me of how life is not just about my twisty little inside dilemmas and dramas.

[skylarkpanda]

I want to talk about sunshine but somehow my mornings are grey. I want to share my fresh jasmines but by the time I remember all I'm left with are the withered petals of yesterday.

[skylarkpanda]

is there any way to wake up when i want to wake up and not when i magically wake up an hour or two early or when i wake up realizing it's too late to continue dreaming?

[skylarkpanda]

Perhaps, learning to use thank you consciously is the same as opening the windows to let the air in the morning. Perhaps, not holding back on a sorry when you know it's the right thing to say is the same as making a lunchbox for someone. The former is revitalizing while the latter shows how much you've thought about the matter/person.

[skylarkpanda]

it's blue, but pretty

today i watched the sun in my mind. i heard the birds in my ears. i rolled their melody in my tongue. and there was no bitter aftertaste. just a home sickness that got me out of bed.

[skylarkpanda]

balance (or the lack of it)

/in one way or another,

i'm caught in the middle of everything,

between too much and too less,

i remain standing/

[skylarkpanda]

So often I get lost in my mind that I forget I'm not the only human in this world.

[skylarkpanda]

everything's a pretty picture today.

with the glistening sunlight shooting off in rainbow colors from the shiny wrapping paper lying lazily on the tabletop, the neatly camouflaged birds chirping amidst the November foliage as if their songs are the real stairways to heaven, and the trees just remaining like time was always made up to be stopped at the ripeness of a moment.

my heart's so full that i feel like a newborn.