i do not like to feel angry because it reminds me of my father, and how terrifying it felt when he would yell. i do not like to say i hate anyone or anything because it reminds me of my parents, and hiding in closets and panic attacks in the car, because i didn't want to go from one house to the other. the in-between the worst state of being. they hated each other, as a child i knew but did not understand that it had nothing to do with me.
my parents separated when i was 3, the divorce was finalised two years later. it has been nearly 20 years since. and i still cannot talk to one about the other without this sense of betrayal. i know that the two people who make up who i am, will never be in the same room, i will never put them there. i will not put myself there. my father loves me, but never follows through with the things he says he will do. he's busy, works everyday of the week, financially he's got my back. he takes my sister out for bike rides, and to the ballet.
my mother loves me, but i know i remind her of my father. and that i am not the adult she hoped her child would grow into. and she wishes i am more like my siblings. she sacrificed everything for us. i hurt her in return. no matter how unintentional it was.
my parents love me, i have never been able to let people love me. i've never understood why anyone would want to. i've never allowed myself to let people stay, life is safer on your own. much lonelier too.
i do not blame my parents for anything. they tried the best they could. but i was a child, and i wish she wasn't terrified all the time. and i am still their child now, and i wish they could love me enough to separate their hate for each other and their love for me.
i am 23 years old. i am my mothers child and my fathers daughter. i am still that terrified little girl.
