I Never Worry (Now That Is A Lie)

Hi. My name is Wiccan and I'm an alcoholic trying to find sobriety and recovery. 1/1/18

[identitty-dickruption]

it's just really fucking frustrating that we live in a world where I grew up being trained to believe that addicts are unloveable. and then I became an addict and I was still told that addicts are unloveable. and I just have to deal with the fact that there are people out there who believe that I don't deserve love, or that my partner is brave for loving me, or that my family and friends are suffering just from me existing. and that's fine that's just the way it is

but then on top of that. I have to deal with tumblr users telling me (an addict!!!) that they hate addicts in a cool new way that I should be totally sympathetic towards. see, they had a family member who was the most evil person on the planet! and that family member was an addict! so they can't help the fact that they now want all addicts to die! they can't help it! blast them all.

[identitty-dickruption]

"addicts are unloveable" isn't often said in exactly those words, of course. it's fictional addicts being framed as morally corrupt for being addicts. it's famous addicts being treated as circus animals in the media. it's "homeless people are mostly just addicts" and "they should all be in prison" and "don't give them money, they'll spend it on drugs". it's talking about parents of addicts in these hushed tones that indicate that they're all heroes for supporting their child in this difficult time. it's talking about parents who are addicts as if they're the most selfish and irresponsible and uniquely evil people on the planet. it's everywhere and it's all the time and it never ends

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Sixth sober New Year and that's something. No urge to drink. No interest. Does it potentially help that I'm not out there partying? Maybe. But I had nice night in with my wife, watching a movie, and there was no alcohol required.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Fifth sober Christmas. It’s hard to believe how much I used to drink on this day. But now, five years later, I can celebrate in so many other ways.

Sending warm wishes to all struggling on this day and during this season ❤️

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Made it three years. Forgot to post here.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

I’ve continued to watch a number of friends struggle with alcohol and it’s sad to watch from this side. I had a friend with a few months sober who is now drinking constantly again and drinking to excess. This friend even made a comment about how they were a “recovering, not a recovered alcoholic” while they were drinking a mixed drink that they’d already noted had “way too much alcohol in it.” Another friend, who had made it a few days in terms of sobriety, is now promoting drunken stream nights after they were asked to leave a streaming platform because they showed up too drunk to stream one night.

It makes me wonder what people were thinking when they saw me in the thick of it because I’m realizing how hard this is to watch people that I care about self-destruct in these ways. I think it’s especially hard to continue to see other people in their lives cheering them on for this. I definitely know that it’s not necessarily helpful to be like, “Hey, I’m worried about you, wasn’t this something you were worried about too?” but when I see people being like, “Oh yeah, three day hangover, let’s go”, “Add more rum to that drink!”, or “Can’t wait to tune in to see how funny you are during that drunken stream!” to people who have been open and honest about their struggles with alcohol, it’s rough. 

On the other side, I have a friend who just celebrated 20 years of sobriety and I am so happy for them and that has definitely been inspiring. I am moving towards my own three years of sobriety and that’s an exciting milestone. I know all I can do is keep working on myself and support these friends as they need support. But I also feel for them because I remember when that was me. And for all of the, “Hey it’s me, rocking the still drunk and hungover look” that I thought was iconic, I was really destroying my life. 

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

I’m watching a lot of friends go through serious issues with alcohol and it’s hard to watch. Like, seeing them say that they want to work on their sobriety and then see that after a night drunk, they’re drinking midday. 

I know I used to be in a place that bad and I know there’s a limit to what can be done to help because I had to reach a certain point myself before I go move more fully into recovery. But it is really hard to watch when I’ve been seeing them post non-stop about how much alcohol is wrecking their lives and then their next ten posts are all about drinking.

I’m doing what I can and offering support. I just hope that they reach a place where they can make the changes that they want to.

It’s also hard to see other people liking all of the drunken posts, as though this is something to be supported. I can understand wanting to maintain support but when someone has expressed that they want to reduce/stop alcohol use and you’re liking every drunken post... it’s a little concerning. 

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

One of my friends is in the process of getting sober and it’s really highlighting to me how much has changed over the past several years for me. I can remember when I first started trying to stop drinking in the Summer of 2017 and I couldn’t do it. I was constantly bargaining - just one drink when I go out, maybe two at most, and honestly the drinking continued to be heavy to the point where Fall and Winter of 2017 were some of my worst episodes of drinking ever. I got horrifically drunk at my friend’s wedding, at Christmas, and then over New Year’s going into 2018.

I remember that every day was so hard that first time. Counting down days, weeks, months, and then when I allowed myself to drink, I went right back to drinking as heavily before immediately and that lasted for a year. Then in Summer 2020, I stopped drinking again and I’m heading towards year three of being sober.

Seeing my friend struggle to stop drinking, I have been strongly reminded of why I maintain my sobriety. I haven’t wanted to go back to that struggle. I enjoy my life so much more now. 

I’m also so proud of this friend because I know how hard it is to do.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

It’s that time of the year when people are stocking up on alcohol for New Year’s Eve and I’m not jealous at all.

I can remember being that person: stocking up on the alcohol in preparation for people visiting, especially for a holiday. And the thing is, I barely remember those holidays. It was a Very Bad New Year’s Eve, in fact, that brought on my first stint of sobriety because I had never gotten that drunk before. 

I’m now about to celebrate my fourth sober New Year’s Eve. Possibly fifth? I know I’d said it was my fourth sober Christmas Eve because I definitely drank in 2019 but I know I didn’t drink New Year’s Eve 2019, 2021, 2022, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t drink 2020 because it was the middle of the week and I remember working throughout that day and having plans the following morning because it was a day off and some of my friends were still in town. Either way, it’s either fourth or fifth.

And I’m not concerned about drinking because I’m literally on a medication that I’m not allowed to drink on and that’s been a line I’ve never and would never cross.

I know it might feel harder on actual New Year’s Eve but right now I just have no interest in alcohol at all or partying it up and am glad that I will not be getting absolutely wasted. Especially because I have plans later that morning and I can only imagine that the other four people I’ll be having those plans with will be dealing with hangovers.

I just don’t miss it. I’m glad to remember my nights. I’m glad to have quiet time at home. I’m glad to not be burning money on alcohol. It’s just a much better life to be two years and almost six months sober. 

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Here’s to my fourth(?) alcohol-free Christmas? The first time I stopped drinking was at the start of 2018, so I didn’t drink Christmas 2018, I was drinking again by Christmas 2019, and then I stopped drinking the summer of 2020 and didn’t drink 2020, 2021, and now 2022. I found this holiday easier to navigate than Thanksgiving, even though a lot of people were drinking.

I’m not sure what made Thanksgiving harder and made me want to drink when I saw people drinking and why I found myself grateful for not drinking when I saw/heard people talk about drinking today. But I’m grateful none the less. It feels good to know I’ll wake up not feeling hungover tomorrow. That I won’t have fragmented sleep as a result of drinking. That I can start my day how I want to, instead of wondering what happened the night before. 

I don’t know. It’s hard to remember why I used to count down the days until Friday so that.I could drink on Friday and Saturday (and sometimes Sunday) and then I would spend Friday and Saturday usually binging and half of the time wouldn’t even remember what happened. 

Now I enjoy what I do on the weekend evenings, have an hour to settle down and read, and can wake up feeling rested and able to jump into an activity. And enjoy the holiday weekend and upcoming vacation. I also have an event coming up on New Year’s Day and while I cannot 100% predict the future, I feel like I’m going to be the one person at that event who is not dealing with a hangover from too much alcohol the night before. I’m just gonna be trying to stay up for midnight. 

I’m just feeling good and also want to wish everyone the best of holidays and support if you are struggling today. <3 

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Today was the first day I’d had the urge to drink in a long time. I think with drinking being so commonplace on Thanksgiving, there were just a lot of images of it going around and it probably doesn’t help that it’s been a time recently. Almost everyone showed off pictures of themselves with alcoholic beverages and it made me remember how that used to be me.

I obviously didn’t drink and I’m all the happier for it. I definitely wouldn’t give up over two years of sobriety for one holiday. Especially knowing that the last time I gave myself the space to have a drink or two on a holiday, it spiraled out of control almost immediately. Like, I remember having a drink and a half at a restaurant and immediately going to see if the hotel general store had alcohol for sale, so I could keep it going. My drinking generally didn’t get as bad as it had before my stretch of sobriety but even Christmas Eve three years ago, I got super drunk because there were mixed drinks and non-stop wine flowing and I was hungover on Christmas. Even in the days leading up, I was drinking more than others. Like, I can remember being out with friends and we started our day with mimosas and then went to grab another drink at some point and by the time we hit a movie theater, which served alcohol, I was the only one getting another beverage. Which should have been a clear sign to me, because that’s how it used to be as well.

All of which is to say that I know I can’t be trusted to drink because I’m not someone who can moderate their intake. And that’s okay because I don’t need alcohol. I haven’t needed to drink today and my day hasn’t been the worse for it. In fact, it’s been better. I got some writing done. I talked to family. I played a video game. I started off the day reading a book. I’m watching holiday movies now. I’ll do some reading and maybe some more writing later.

Sending love to everyone out there who is struggling today. Holidays are rough but staying sober is definitely worth it.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Just having one of those days where I’m super grateful for being sober. I woke up this morning, after a pretty exhausting sets of weeks, feeling pretty groggy and struggling to wake up and I just found myself so grateful that I wasn’t also hungover.

Especially seeing a lot of my friends posting about drinking and/or feeling hungover today. It’s just nice to wake up and not be dealing with drinking on top of everything else. Things are already hard enough and I’m just really grateful for being sober and now being at my longest period of sobriety. 

Which means I can now spend my weekend enjoying some spooky movies, getting some writing done, and working on some other projects.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Officially the longest time I have been sober.

It feels good. 

Granted, I still don’t know how it will feel when I can eventually start dining out again. There’s not too much temptation at my house. But given that at the start of the pandemic, I was drinking for at least six months and ordering alcohol to go at restaurants or at the grocery store, it’s not as though the pandemic started my abstinence.

I see a lot of my friends talk about being hungover and I remember how I used to glamorize that myself and I’m reminded why I’m not drinking now.

We actually just hit the anniversary of one of the times I got the drunkest I ever have in my life (at a friend’s wedding, no less) and seeing all of those photos made me feel a whole lot of shame that people saw me that way. As I'm better understanding my trauma history, I’m getting why that happened (there were multiple trauma triggers there), but there were a string of times kinda back to back to back in that timeframe that I drunk way too much, culminating in the time that made me get sober the first time, which was the most drunk I have ever been in my life.

I just have no interest in it. It only had bad effects.

Now I’m actually dealing with my trauma, I’m on appropriate medications, and I’m not losing my entire weekends to being drunk or recovering from being drunk. 

Here’s to another month, with the intention of maintaining my sobriety.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

It’s officially two years of being alcohol free! 

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

I’ve made it a few more weeks closer to my two year mark.

I’ve been seeing some friends struggle with alcohol use in recent days (i.e., posting about drinking at times where they shouldn’t be drinking or posting about being hungover after drinking due to having a bad day) and I’ve definitely been looking at how I can support them but also feeling relieved that I’m not struggling with that the way I have in the past. 

It hasn't been easy to cope but it’s been a lot easier to cope with everything without the addition of alcohol to the mix. 

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

At the end of the next month, it’ll be two years since I last drank alcohol.

It’s been increasingly hard not to pick up the bottle again but I haven’t and for that I’m proud of myself.

I’ve still made it longer than I did the first time I managed a kong stretch. That time it went for about 17 months, I think (I could probably look at my entries here to be sure). Now I’m already at 22 months.

So, that’s something.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

This is the first night in a long, long time where it has been hard not to drink. Generally the remembrance of all of the horror is enough to be glad I have other ways to cope but tonight I wish I could have just drank until I forgot everything.

I know the repercussions would have been worse. I know it wouldn’t have even helped. But, man, a few shots would’ve allowed me to forget, maybe, even for awhile.

I didn’t drink. I won’t drink. But after almost two years of no alcohol coming easily to me, tonight was a struggle.

And I fear the coming months will be just as hard.

[soberangstychaosmagicuser]

Honestly, I don’t know if it’s the medication I’m now on or what - because things are even more of a hellscape than they were when I was drinking heavily - but it’s amazing to me that no only do I not have the urge to drink, I don’t have any urges to abuse the medication I’m on and even tend to take limited amounts of it. I don’t count down to the end of the day or the week or want to start my weekend with it. I actually take less (as it’s on a take as needed basis) than I could theoretically take as prescribed. 

And that’s such a difference. It’s as though a switch was flipped in my brain and it’s been that way for going on two years. I don’t want to drink. I don’t want to feel out of control of my body. I don’t want to feel buzzed. I want to enjoy my weekend and do activities that I value. I want to not wake up on Saturday or Sunday, wondering what I did or said the night before, and feeling sick and hungover. I want to remember movies and shows that I watch. I want to be able to cope with trauma triggers.

And it feels like I’m getting there.