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[sobrietyandstruggles]

My new day one.

Let’s see how this one going.

Hope it’s my last day one. I know it will be.

I got this.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

I hate waking up.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

Guess I’m trying to write instead of drink because I sure could use a drink right now.

Well, it started with me being hungry again, finally.

I was finally hungry. Tried to make noodles but I put too much garlic powder and didn’t feel like trying again. So I remained hungry. Now I’m hungry but don’t want to eat “too late”.

What a poor excuse. I have a sub in front of me. I’m going to try to eat 10 bites before looking at the bottle. I really don’t want to drink but I want to go to sleep.

I got this.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

Every day is different. Right now I’m trying to quit smoking reefahs whilst quitting alcohol and having other changes. At this moment I feel sick. I went a week without smoking, but couldn’t hold down food, and barely water. So after I could feel my muscles breaking down from both withdrawals so strongly, I gave in and hit a blunt. I ate a few bites… but woke up HUNGRY! I’m feeling better, but I think I really need to go slower with the drinking part.

As much as I would like to quit cold-turkey, going from 1.5L+ per day to zero is not easy. The first week I went cold. Today I’m doing NO tree, and took 3 shots. Tomorrow I hope to not need any shots. Although it IS an excuse, I couldn’t eat and I needed calories, so I did take a few. I’m not too disappointed because I’m not hammered or high; but I could have done better.

This is MY life and MY progress though, so as long is I improve myself everyday, I’m happy.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

Friday I buried a friend. Today a different friend tried to attempt suicide this morning.

I’ll always have a reason to drink. They’ll always be a great reason to “take a shot, or few”; but am I strong enough to work through my problems? Soberly? If you do it soberly you have to take full responsibility for the consequences, although you get better results. So the real question doesn’t fall on the excuse of being an addict, but more so, are you strong enough to get through today with your best abilities?

[sobrietyandstruggles]

I haven’t smoked in two days… kinda weird. I want to but I don’t want to waste money - so if I keep remembering that I don’t have the luxury to waste money on smoking I may be able to make it. My nerves are shot but I’m keeping busy…

[sobrietyandstruggles]

I miss him but I don’t have the time to do that. #options

[sobrietyandstruggles]

You think you can run out of tears but somehow there’s always a hidden tap.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

Your “friends” actually enjoyed me. They always had fun with me when you weren’t home. They wanted to engage with me more than I did with them.

They waited for us to be done and made moves.

All of em.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

I miss you hiding me. I miss waking up and smiling because you’re there. I miss feeling like every day was an adventure with you.

I really loved you.

I cry now because our love was so innocent. So easy. So comforting. Yet I don’t even understand the concept of comfort or easy anymore. I miss “us”.

I remember why it ended though. I remember more than I should.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

My heart broke. My heart was broken. And I found love.

I don’t have all the time I need but I have enough.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

I see you didn’t stay engaged to her long. I thought it was true love, let you tell it. Did you beat her too?

You’re sister is an officer of the law and she says/does nothing when we all know she knows how you are. Funny. Did you ever have the baby for her? Still weird, but whatever.

The thought of you saddens me now. I really thought I loved you. I guess that’s rude to say, so I’ll say I’m happy for my growth and the time I loved you. What a chapter. I was so young. So na

[sobrietyandstruggles]

What would our lives be if we had gotten married? If I never found out and we continued to pretend to have a happy life? Would we have made it a year? Would I still be alive? Would I have a hospital chart the size of a book yet? How many lies did I have to make up to try to validate the bruises and limping?

Could we have really made it?

How many kids would we have? Would we stay in the states? Would we be traveling?

So many questions. That don’t matter. At all.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

I read my journey and see that the first days are the worst days.

I’m pretty strong. I’m pretty smart. I’m pretty much better than the crap I’ve been subjecting myself to. And no one cares because I don’t.

I’m glad I’m bettering myself. I was stuck in a shitty hole. For way too long.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

MyKey-

You made it to Rio without me.

You told me if you went you weren’t going to come back… I guess she really broke your heart.

I caught myself thinking about you the other day… well I guess a lot recently… I’ve changed SO much since we last spoke. You look the same… healthy and happy.

Last time I saw you, you didn’t see me because I ran away in tears. I don’t know what I would say to you. I wonder if you smell the same; but I guess that doesn’t matter. You broke my heart into pieces. You broke me into even more pieces. I was shattered. I was sad. I was angry. I felt betrayed. I really thought we were going to be forever. I finally said “yes” to someone. I thought I was in love.

I’m glad I have the wisdom from that experience.

I really thought I would never get over you. I thought you were the one. My universe. My everything.

I’m happy it didn’t work out. I’ve become a much better person over the years. I wish I had the memories but I don’t need them. Maybe we’ll run into each other one day.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

So I went out and someone bought me a drink.

Pretty bold statement.

But I drank it… and my excuse is because they wouldn’t stop talking to me and watching me eat. Weird? I know. But it’s more weird that I couldn’t “stay strong”. I mean, in all honesty, I’m pretty proud that I didn’t get wasted, but it’s still feels like I kinda cheated on myself.

[sobrietyandstruggles]

So I’ve been searching our house- top to bottom- for anything that is out of place. I want to have a clean environment so that there are less hiding spots.

When I’m stressed or drinking I always seem to have alcohol magically appear from some random place. I cannot keep having hidden outlets.

I made it through last night. I just have to make it through today so I can claim my week. I’m not badass or anything, just healthier.