Au dump

it's an AU dump!

[catchymemes]

[celtic-pyro-deactivated20230725]

Now I want to get married just so I can do this.

[baneismydragon]

If I were a billionaire I would absolutely tell my secretary to send wedding gifts to anyone who sent me an invite regardless of if I knew them, because- A. I know how expensive that nonsense is. B. I would be a billionaire and when else am I gonna do with that much money? Honestly… and C. I would totally make showing up at random weddings with crazy awesome gifts my new stress relief hobby. “Congratulations random strangers! I admire your daring and stratigic planning. Here’s that 700$ tea set you wanted but assumed no one would ever buy.”

[saxifraga-x-urbium]

Do you even have to be getting married

Are they gonna check

[fan-enby-anonymous]

Damn it sure is

[awful-earworm]

“we invited an eccentric billionaire to our fake wedding in the hopes of getting a free present, but then they said they would come and now we have to have an actual fake wedding for them to attend.”

[bookcub]

Gonna start a post with blank memes. Please add any you have on hand and reblog to spread them.

[antique-scarecrow]

very good content

[werewolf-cuddles]

Here’s a few I’ve accumulated over the years

[fairyofsomething]

Ah, some gold!

[glixbitch]

Omfg, a goldmine

[chaoticgouda]

@estheticallypleased

[evilyaoii]

[ghostling]

H O R R O R . P R O M P T S

“I just got back from the cemetery.”

“I swear I just saw someone… or something looking in my window.”

“I know I closed the damn closet door, but it keeps opening! Please tell me this is just some kind of joke you keep pulling.”

“What’s behind you in these pictures…?”

“Apparently like 20 years ago, some girl slaughtered her family in the basement.”

“I think there’s something about this house that you’re not telling me.”

“I keep hearing noises coming from the attic…”

“I know what I saw, and whatever is in the basement… it’s not human!”

“I didn’t have time to see what it was! I just got the hell out of there!”

“Whose grave were you bringing flowers to…?”

“The electricity guy said there was absolutely nothing wrong – and yet, the lights always flicker on at 2am. Explain that to me?”

“Why don’t you spend the night in that house ‘alone’, then try to convince me that you don’t believe in ghosts.”

“Y-you don’t understand, he didn’t have a face!”

“I had a dream that I killed you.”

“Ah, yes… the room you’re staying in. It’s a paranormal hot spot, apparently.”

“I keep hearing whispers at night… I-I can’t sleep!”

“There was something else in there with me, I’m not going back to that house.”

“Come on, it’s just an urban legend…”

“Are you trying to tell me I’ve been sleeping in a dead girl’s room!?”

“I keep getting the feeling that someone is following me.”

“Don’t panic… but I think there’s someone else in the house.”

“I can still feel her/his ghost, and it’s killing me…”

“There’s something growling in the basement… could you, uh… check it out for me?”

“Can you just… can you please check the closet?”

“P-please… put the knife down.”

“I bought this haunted ring on eBay!”

“No, no, no – run!”

“I didn’t forward one of those freaky chain letters and now I keep hearing the laughter of children coming from my hallways at night.”

“The dead are all around us…”

“She’s dead! She’s dead and yet I keep seeing her, everywhere!”

“There’s something breathing under the bed…”

“You can’t tell me you don’t believe in ghosts after all we’ve been through.”

“I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see, something… that wasn’t supposed to be here.”

“Maybe an exorcism is in order…?”

“I woke up, and it was j-just… staring at me.”

“He was there, then like a second later he literally vanished! I saw it happen!”

“I like the ghosts here… they keep me company.”

“You can’t honestly tell me you’re in love with a dead girl.”

“Wasn’t someone murdered in this house? Why are we here?”

“If dying means being with him/her, kill me. I’d be happier that way.”

“Ghosts aren’t real. You need help.”

“…what do you mean we didn’t talk last night? You came over, you were here.”

“You saw something you weren’t supposed to see. And now… now you know what has to be done.”

“I’m pretty sure my toaster’s haunted.”

"What’s wrong with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Don’t! Don’t you dare open that door!”

“I visited his/her grave for the first time today…”

“Something terrible happened here, didn’t it?”

“Wh-why do you have a knife…?”

"You’re all bloody, what happened!?”

“You know that book from The Evil Dead? Yeah, well… I’m pretty sure we found something pretty damn similar to it.”

“You’re bleeding…”

“How can you not see it…? I’m dead! I’ve been dead for years!”

“I’ve always wanted to see you choking on your own blood.”

“I’m sorry, I’m busy Friday with the… funeral and all.”

“I’ll never forget the sound of his screaming.”

“From the looks of it, the afterlife is a lot more fun than this.”

"Legend has it that you can still hear her crying for her lover in the dead of night.”

“I want to be dead, too.”

“Well don’t you look lovely, all covered in blood.”

"Whoa – wait! Please don’t go down there… let’s just get out of here, please?”

“You played with a Ouija board!?”

“Me and some friends played with a Ouija board the other night… and things have been a little strange since then.”

“There’s so much negative energy in this house… do you know if someone died here?”

“You’re always hanging out in cemeteries… and yeah, it’s kinda creepy.”

"They just don’t believe like they used to…”

“I will haunt you until the end of time.”

[misterdemonkun]

Out of context hearing

“She said, oh just wear it in the house anyways.” “Ohhh, I love skinny pregnant ladies, they’re so cute.” “I said I don’t want yo girl. SHIIIIIT!.” “He didn’t cheat last night.” “If I stab you with a needle.” Bus Driver: “I was on time and if I had picked up those 4 people, I woulda been late. Actually, I just left them. [Laughs]” “IM NOT THE MAN OF THE HOUSE” / “Well I mean technically you are” / “IM A M A L E NOT THE MAN” “You just gotta be happy. Not energetic. That’s just a side thing.” “Dude be like, ‘I’m walking to CVS.’ And I thought he was in Skyrim but he was walking to a CVS. And my middle school teacher texted to me.” “Who’s straight these days? It’s out of fashion.” [heavy sighs and grabs starbucks cup] “Well this is life.” “I opened the door and it was the police and they were like, ‘Ma'am, we’re here to arrest you.’ And they were arresting me because they thought I kidnapped my kid and I went to court for it and I won but they still did it. So that’s what happened.” [on phone]“I haven’t talked a lot.”

[someausiguess]

Dystopian AU's

It's grown to the point where there seems to be no one around but I found you and you are just a piece of cynical asshole who really thinks I want to have sex because I'm lonely. WELL NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE, YOU'RE PROBABLY THE FUCKING SAME.

This feels just like the hunger games from the stories that great super old great grandparents had books about. Except I was never chosen and I get to complain or talk to you about it as we watch the screen in boredom.

We're a ragtag team who thought our leader was the hero who will take us to salvation but we both got lost and found out that we're the key to help everyone and no offense but you're kinda lame.

We're taken in to a lab and were told that we are needed to be used as breeding mules. I don't know about you, but one of us gotta figure a way to go out or become unsuitable to die so we won't be stuck like this.

I found out my family is really rich and does a whole monopoly of making a whole android company to make others life easier but it turns out they have been doing it to take over the country then the world and you're part of the rebellion of this messed up world. I don't know if I want to help or fight against you.

[ikilledtherpc-deactivated202011]

BLACKBEAR TEXT STARTERS

a compilation of tweets from blackbear (tw: negativity, anxiety, death)

[ text ]: i care .. i just dont want to

[ text ]: i wish i never saw the real u

[ text ]: im only doing this 4 u

[ text ]: im getting good at playing dead

[ text ]: i wanna disappear (sent with confetti)

[ text ]: were not us anymore

[ text ]: pretend the shower head is me (sent with invisible ink)

[ text ]: mood: not in the mood

[ text ]: ever wanna check up on someone but its just not ur place anymore

[ text ]: when is god gonna kill me?

[ text ]: everything gives me anxiety

[ text ]: i fucking hate myself (sent with shooting star)

[ text ]: all of us are done for

[ text ]: id let u run me over with a bus

[ text ]: usin my last 1% to let u kno im thinkin bout u

[ text ]: dont text ur ex on my wifi

[ text ]: i dont wanna kno if ur playin me

[ text ]: lets chill with ghosts

[ text ]: sext: im suffering from depression

[ text ]: how to avoid everything : a novel by me

[ text ]: im never havin kids only puppies

[ text ]: sry i cant hang out im havin an existential crisis

[ text ]: crying but also turned on

[ text ]: update: u still suck

[ text ]: my biggest regret in life is that ill never be ciara

[ text ]: respect for real art is my biggest turn on ..

[ text ]: u make me wanna punch shit repeatedly

[ text ]: hulu & hang?

[someausiguess]

Fantasy AU's

Legend says that in order for one to find their soulmate, one has to go on an adventure. Person A goes out to start an adventure only because they want to and meets Person B who also started and both are out thinking they meet someone else only to turn out that they're meant for each other all along.

A villain is causing terror across the kingdom and leads a new uprising of new adventurers trying to be heroes and Person A is one of them. However, Person A meets Person B who helps them along the way and it turns out that Person B is the Villain and Person A was helping them all along.

Person B is one of royalty and ran away from home and Person A is just a normal person. Cue these two meeting and suddenly Person B convinced Person A to take them on an adventure and it caused Person A to be a wanted person and Person B a kidnapped royalty.

Person A spent years following the red string of fate that ties at their ankles and being unable to grow older than 20 until they meet their soulmate to find out that their soulmate is living as a Ruler's concubine the entire fuking time.

A wizard (Person B) cursed Person A to be doomed forever to roam the earth in silence all because of a bad argument. Instead of leaving or being able to leave, Person A followed and became Person B's companion and annoys them physically than verbally.

[someausiguess]

College au's

I went to see the therapy dog that is on campus before finals and you were one of the dog handlers and I really like talking to you and petting the dog so I end up visiting you and the dog a lot at the campus health center. Can I just say, I'm sorry if I made everyone think we are dating. I'm nervous and scared but we can.. date???

I work at the store across the street from school during lunch time since I have night classes only, I work at day time. You always come by here eating food and greet me. Are you okay by any chance?

A squirrel was bothering me and you were really kind enough to scare it away for me. I'm sorry, I really love animals so thank you for helping me out,, want some snack?

We're in the same class but we started hanging out and I noticed some people are calling us lunch buddies/dinner daters because you told someone that we always go out to eat lunch or go out to eat dinner. I actually want to date you if you don't mind?

I fell asleep in the hallway and you were kind enough to wake me up, thank you so much. I'm so sorry. Wait what the fuk do you mean I was drooling. Oh my god, you're kinda cute and I'm so gross. Oh gOD, WE HAVE THE SAME CLASS. UGH, I LOST ALL HOPES OF FLIRTING WITH YOU,,,

[someausiguess]

Soulmate Myths

Hanahaki Disease - fictional disease where the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear. (Japanese Myth)

Red String of Fate - the gods tie an invisible red cord around the ankles or pinky finger of those that are destined to meet one another in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way. (Asian Myth)

Twin Flames are the embodiment or other “half” of a singular soul. Human beings originally had two faces, four arms, and four legs. Under the threat of being overpowered, the gods split them in half, creating the humans we see today. Hence, it is thought that we all have one “twin” soul out there in the world. (Greek Myth)

[someausiguess]

Internet AU's part 2 (NSFW)

I followed your NSFW account on my personal and I can't help but to like each and every one of your nudes online while sending you anonymous asks about how much I would love it if you fucked me. And apparently... I... forgot to hit anonymous...

SO, I was not thinking straight last night and I sent you a nude of me in your submission box because you wanted some nudes. And I am so sorry. But you sent a direct message to me asking if I would like to do more and I want to do more with you, hell yeah!!

I applied for a dating site to just get laid and have one night stands to steal money and apparently you are super interested in me and I'm actually loving the way you talk to me?? Can we like, send nudes or something?

I post amateur porn videos of me on my blog to get followers and respond to sexual messages and you happened to be someone I know and I almost lost it because you apparently have a nsfw blog too so I looked at it. And whoa, you sure like rough sex and guess what I'm in to.

One of my nudes got kind of popular and I'm feeling kind of cocky with all of the compliments but I secretly hoped to actually get someone that is close to me to know it is me so I can get fucked hard.

[semianonymity]

I think the next fandom trend should be combining stock AUs. Imagine!:

Cops AU plus Hogwarts AU equals Wizard Buddy Cops, subtext, and as many wand jokes as you can make

A high school AU, only it’s high school in the future featuring space station hijinks and/or alien invasion, mixed in with serious concerns about who’s going with who to prom

The coffee shop AU, liberally spiced up with interactions with a mirror world where the heroes become the villains and vice versa—and can the adorably dorky new barista figure out how to make the perfect latte art and keep her girlfriend from falling in love with her eviler, sexier doppelganger?

Noir detective pirate AU, and the difficulties of solving gritty crime on the high seas

Vampire Western AU, and the challenges of cattle rustling on the sunny plains of the wild west, and making sure that none of those damned suckers take out any of pa’s herd again!

Prohibition-era speakeasy AU with fairy tale AU featuring the complications of being secretly magical and smuggling when you can’t actually lie

Okay, coffee shop AU + ANYTHING is hilarious to me

Regency coffee shop AU

Vampire coffee shop AU (BARTENDING IN THE DARK)

Gym rat vampire AU—getting pumped and drinking blood

Mermaid college AU

[lemeute]

oh gosh yes

space pirates AU

Regency superhero AU

coffee shop dystopian AU

1940s fairy tale AU

Western AU + aliens

high school AU + smuggling

space AU + domestic, first apartment, etc

Hogwarts AU + struggling musicians

[clonerightsagenda]

I understand that a lot of people enjoy writing shipfics where they transplant characters into a college setting. Since some writers may not be in college, or may have graduated a long time ago, I thought I’d offer a helpful list of realistic college meet not-so-cute scenarios. Forget baristas. This is where it’s at. 

- I’m really passionate about this cause and I will give you this flier if I have to shove it down your throat

- vicious battle over the only left handed desk in the room

- my roommate’s boyfriend is staying over so can I please sleep on your floor

- it’s pouring and my final paper is in my backpack so I guess we’re stuck under this tiny awning together. do you think they’d deliver pizza here

- hey I have to photograph someone for class will you be my model

- hey I have to take someone’s blood pressure for class will you be my victim

- variations of the above

- I know I keep coming to the cookie shop and for some reason it’s always your shift but don’t you dare judge me I need these for my sanity

- all our friends are drunk

- it’s 3 am and I’m still in the library studying for finals and I’m losing my grip on reality and I think I just saw a ghost

- we’re the only two people in this club. what is this club even for

- humans vs zombies (see you can still have your zombie AU, best of both worlds)

- we’re the only people who ever talk in discussions it’s awful

- GROUP PROJECT

[kiriani]

#both of us turned up at the wrong room for this lecture but don’t know where its meant to be #waiting outside for pizza to be delivered and both of ours are super late #you keep parking in the space outside my student house you absolute asshole #we live in halls opposite each other and I keep seeing you changing through your window #you’re the only other person in the room when I break the printer and I’m panicking (little-smartass)

[cliffnotesofanerd]

- Neither of us bought the expensive textbook but there is only one copy in the library and it can’t leave the building

- This awesome professor only has one TA slot and we’re rivals

- I found your USB drive still in the computer

- I thought I was the only one who liked the waffle station in the cafeteria

- You keep reserving the good study room in the corner of the library with the windows

- We’re studying in the library and there are two people very obviously fucking in the stacks and we keep sharing embarrassed glances

- We’re both donating blood in the blood donation van in the quad to get out of the same class

- You decked me in the head while you were playing frisbee golf

- Wait, I actually have a competent lab partner?

- You’re the RA and you’re trying to bust me for having hermit crabs

- You’re baking cookies in the communal kitchen at 3am and I’m angry but also really hungry

- What are you doing at this table at the career fair

- Waiting for office hours

- I’ve been sitting in this seat all semester why did you decide to sit in it today

- Clearly we’re both really uncomfortable at this party

- You peed on my car. You were drunk. I was in the car. There will be hell to pay.

- We started racing up the three flights of stairs to class for some reason and we can’t stop

- You’re REALLY GOOD at using the right search terms for the academic databases and I’m on a deadline

[unsungfury]

- my friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex quick make out with me

- we’re always at the fitness center at the same time and end up competing on the treadmill

- Sorry my roommate puked on your shoes

- Can I borrow a dryer sheet? I ran out and the ones in the vending machine give me a rash

- Your school mailbox is right next to mine

- I saw you sneaking captain crunch and cutlery out of the dining hall

- My roommate borrowed your contraband hotpot and managed to set it on fire

- You keep using my preferred shower stall in the floor bathrooms when I’m trying to get ready for class

- My computer crashed and you’re the student worker at the IT center

- we’re both on althetic teams that aren’t as cool as the football team and they give us shit

- You’re part of the guerrilla theater club on campus and crashed my class for a performance

- What do you mean we’re under a tornado warning?

[xxbluandorangexx]

- it’s 3am, in the dead of winter, some motherfucker pulled/set off the fire alarm and I am being very vocal about how I’m gonna make that fucker pay

- you’re the fucker who set off the fire alarm with your awful cooking

- I’m the fucker who set off the fire alarm with my awful cooking

- my shower isn’t working can I use yours

- RA mandated floor party

- I couldn’t help but notice you’re watching a show I like instead of studying in the computer lab

- dude your headphones are really loud like I can make out most of Kayne’s lyrics and I’m sitting across the fucking room

- hey the semester’s almost over and I have way too much money on my cafeteria account, do you want anything??? this shit’s just gonna disappear into the college’s pocket otherwise

- THERE IS A BOUNCY CASTLE IN THE OVAL AND I AM VERY EXCITED

[queerlullaby]

- I’ve ordered take out every night this week and you always seem to be my delivery person

- we’re both skipping class to study for a different class

- you live above me and I’m going to murder you if you don’t stop throwing parties Sunday night

- there’s only one study room left in the dorm basement and I don’t want to walk to the library, let’s fight for it

- I swear I’m wearing this Batman costume because of a dare

- The guy with the bibles on the quad has cornered me and is screaming about hell, please rescue me

- lecture room bingo for annoying things your prof says

- you’re obviously high or hungover so I’m going to rescue you and tell the teacher why your answer wasn’t as strange as it sounded, but you’ll owe me

- holy fuck you found me on the roof please don’t be an RA

[appolojustice]

-You’re standing right next to me while we’re both flyering and catching all of the people walking past before I can

-Alternatively, we’re standing right next to each other while flyering and hey, are you as miserable as I am right now?

-We can’t both listen to our music in the shower at the same time

-Both of us are super bored at this mandatory floor meeting

-We both work really late shifts on Friday Nights and you give me a ride home so I don’t have to walk alone in the dark

-You’re the only one who actually responded to the desperate message I sent to the whole class about needing the notes

-All the seats in this huge fucking lecture hall and you have to sit right next to me

-I’m sorry you caught me moving your clothes out of the dryer but in my defense I’ve been waiting for one to open up for about an hour now

-We were both running for the bus and it didn’t wait for us, so now we’re at this bus stop together alone

-Are you the one who keep leaving their dirty dishes in the common area kitchen

-You posted that you needed to borrow something on the floor’s facebook group and I just so happen to have what you need

-I want to buy your football ticket/textbook/etc so we have to meet up

-Every single table in the union is full, do you mind if I just sit here for a while?

[someausiguess]

Switch AU

Personality swap wasn’t really a thing until you fell in a world where the person you found cute starts behaving in the total opposite manner?? How you gone from mean and cruel to sweet and nice??? WHO MADE YOU BITTER AND CRUEL???

We have been dating and we started talking about what happen if we pretend to be each other and started wearing each other’s clothes? How funny would it be??

You went from being poor to rich and now you’re being kinda power hungry and I’m not sure how to feel but to try and help u to s t o p.

You made a fucking bet that I can’t be in your type of situation and understand how you feel and well fuck you, I so can. And I AM TELLING YOU I’M NOT SORRY FOR BEING MEAN. Wait shit, I don’t know how you are, so I need to follow you.. wait you’re too sweet for me to be like you, shit.

We’re not from the same school but apparently we’re similar in personality and if we can get someone to give us a makeover…. maybe we can pull a switcheroo and see who really cares about us….

[someausiguess]

Rival AU's (NSFW) Pt2

You really shouldn’t test me. I’ll fight and beat you out of spite in any means possible even if it means fucking you all night.

We both gotten adrenaline rush from the competition we had and somehow we ended up making out and naked in the bathroom. THIS IS REALLY GROSS. My place or yours??

Our friends just left us alone in the room alone and really they should had excepted us to argue especially since we’re drunk as fuck.

This competition literally started with I’m hotter than you and fuck you I’m not skinny and now we’re trying to show off our genitals to each other and wow am I fucking attracted in a terrible way. I HATE YOU.

I’m not into you but I’m probably low-key into you. So it ended up with us shoving each other until one of us moaned from an accidental grind when we’re trying to shove each other. Oh shit that’s kinda hot, how much more noise can you make??

Bonus: We’re having a fucking shit competition on who is fucking sexy and having sex is totally valid in this competition.

[someausiguess]

[Announcer Voice] Its time for generic Coffee Shop AU's

I work here and I got your order memorized but yet here I am still customizing it because I can see how tired you are I’ll add in a free shot of espresso for you. Just for today.

I arrived to work late and I see you walking out and you spilled your coffee all over me. It’s okay- you’re hot... wait are you really inviting me over to your place to get cleaned up???

I come to this cafe a lot and the only reason is because you can make my drink so perfect that all other coffee shops sucks. Thank you for that now can I have my order again?

You’re the employee I enjoy talking to and you often end up talking to me in your break time to the point we kept this up for so long. Why are we not hanging out of your work place??

You’re legit the breath of fresh air I have in this long line of shitty customers. Thank you for getting your order down and letting me just take a break.

[someausiguess]

Oliver and Company AU's

"I'm just trying to teach you street smarts here, 'kid'."

"I like living with them! They were alone and they took me in! I- I'll miss you all but... they need me."

"Oh, what is a rich lovely person like you doing here? You're quite the looker." / "You're not really hot yourself." / "Ouch! Hot and sassy. I'm in love!"

"We gotta help each other out. We're all in this gang together. We're family."

"We're not leaving the kid alone!! We're family even though they left us in the first place. We're going to protect them!"

[someausiguess]

Rival Collage AU's

You’re my new roommate in the collage dorms and you are the single most hated person in my life. I don’t care if you finished before me. I WILL BEAT YOU.

You’re just a classmate but somehow we ended up being lab partners for this class and you keep being a smartass. I’m going to show you that I’m better than you.

I’m in varsity in college and you’re in the varsity of the opposing team. We made eye contact and you’re my target. I don’t care if you come confront me after the game. Fuck you in particular.

I thought doing club activities would ne fun but oh boy, if you don’t sit your ass down and listen. I’ll beat the shit out of you in this club.

I am ready for death and I hate the educational system but I swear to god, I will graduate before you out of cheap food and spite.