you know what fuck it you can read it on ao3 here but i'm reposting this crackfic in full because it's short and it's not that deep and if nothing else i made myself laugh so maybe it will make you good people of tumblr laugh too
Bood: it’s so cute you thought you could just text me direct about this
Bood: want to share your question with the class 👀
LaPointe: weird choice to ask for sex tips @ Luca Haas but go off ig
Bood: “weird choice”?????
Bood: but let’s focus on the real issue here
Bood: go on @ Luca Haas, ask them what you asked me
Bood: assistant captain’s orders
Ilya: assistant captains cannot give orders
Ilya: more like suggestions
Shane: @ Ilya Rozanov I assistant captain order you to hang your laundry out, it’s starting to smell bad.
Ilya: @ Shane Hollander fine i will do this but because it is sexy husband order NOT because it is assistant captain order
Ilya: tell us what you tried to tell bood in secret
Ilya: real captain’s orders 😉
Luca: @ Zane Boodram is it ok if I bring my boyfriend to your BBQ next week?
Luca: He’s visiting from Boston
LaPointe: hold the fuck up
Ilya: luca you have a secret boyfriend???
Ilya: @ Shane Hollander and i raised you so well
Bood: somebody call hayden pike there’s still time to get a fanmail of you and him at the BBQ making out @ Luca Haas
Shane: @ Zane Boodram too soon, dude.
Ilya: shut up about fucking pike i want answers
Ilya: @ Luca Haas what is his name
Ilya: what are his prospects
Ilya: what are his intentions
LaPointe: “can he fight” lol roz are you trying to steal haas from him or what
Ilya: have you seen @ Shane Hollander
Ilya: why would i do that
Ilya: i mean i will fight him if he hurts you @ Luca Haas
Young: @ Luca Haas answer the questions we’re nosy
Luca: You can ask him yourself
Bood: i got you at least for question 1 @ Ilya Rozanov
Bood: haasy dropped the name when he first texted me to ask
Bood: secret boston boy’s name is cliff
LaPointe: omg lol can you imagine
LaPointe: luca brings his mystery man along next week for the hard launch
LaPointe: and it’s cliff fucking marleau
LaPointe: now that would really be a hollander/rozanov manoeuvre lmao
Cliff: miss u stud 🥵🥵 it’s been too long!
Ilya: i’m only going to ask this once
Ilya: are you having sex with my rookie?
Cliff: hell yeah brother!!!
Cliff: luca wanted to wait to tell you in person
Cliff: i think he’s kind of scared of you 🤣
Cliff: i was like relax kid rozy’s my boyyy
Cliff: in fact bro it’s really all thanks to you honestly
Cliff: and not just because we met at your wedding
Cliff: but i mean i feel like real talk over the years u really opened my eyes
Cliff: like i never would have even thought of it u know
Cliff: but being gay is kind of sick
Cliff: like a dude just really knows his way around another dude
Cliff: knows how to work with it all if u get me
Cliff: lol of course u get me i know what u and hollzy are like 🤣🤣🤣
Cliff: but also it’s like
Cliff: when i was hooking up with chicks it was always a bit like damn what’s she really thinking
Cliff: whereas with luca it’s like
Cliff: i know what you’re thinking bc ur my boyyyy 😍
Cliff: just like ur my boy
Cliff: seriously man i can’t wait to see u in ottawa next week
Cliff: we should hit the clubbbbbb
Cliff: tho honestly i don't really do that so much since luca locked me down 🔑🔒
Cliff: but u know what i mean it’s like an expression bro
Cliff: like we can hit the club in our hearts
Cliff: but just chill at your place
Cliff: whatever ur feeling dude
Cliff: chill is probably better for me anyway
Cliff: need to save some of that energy for luca if u know what i’m saying 🤣🍆💦
Ilya: i’m going to fucking kill you
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