Had a little breakdown today, but I'm fine again now, I think.
I had another pretty bad headache (migraine?) and that tends to make me feel a bit weepy and overwhelmed. Plus it tends to feel like I probably repressed some feelings and maybe they're coming out in the headache, so maybe I should... feel them?
So lots of tears. Plus feeling trapped.
CW: questioning having kids
I wonder if I'm differentiated enough from my mum. I'm thinking about whether I'd like to have kids and sometimes those thoughts get a little repetitive/obsessive. On my birthday, my mum pushed me again to have them. She was like: in the end, family is always more important (also to other people). She repeated that she's really happy to have me now.
But in the undertones there is so much loneliness. As a young teenager I was very depressed, but I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because it would upset my mum too much. She needed me.
They truly gave me so many resources and opportunities. And even with those, I was deeply unhappy.
So in a way, I feel like creating a new life is also doing something to someone. You know, that baby never made the choice to be there. Many people are happy to have been born, but for myself I have some doubts (which I'm afraid makes me an ungrateful brat, but alas).
My mum often criticizes me, still. It's usually about whether I ever get angry or stand up for myself. It's true, those pieces of me are missing. But I wonder if she knows how much she has benefitted from that.
And then also I fear that I will be an old unhappy person - so lonely. And also I don't think that's a reason to have a kid. It shouldn't be. It should be more about sharing the wonders and joys of life.
I don't know if I'm fit to be a parent. I don't know if it would be a journey of growth or if I'm just doing something to someone, just like it was done to me. There is no easy escape out of life and it will always entail struggle, even in the best circumstances.
I'm also afraid of hurting my body a lot. Plus losing my partner, having to do it all alone. Or not giving the kid a sibling - passing on the eternal loneliness.
My stepsister had a child about a year ago. Her parents have not been involved at all. They only come to the yearly birthday party. I try to offer some support sometimes, but mostly she's doing this thing alone. Her husband has ADHD with a burnout, so that's also quite difficult. Still she seems to be super happy. I'm kind of jealous of people who just take on those challenges and make it work, even when it's hard.
But I certainly cannot have a child to soothe my mother. She seems to think it will save me from the loneliness.
She shared personal things with me, which I didn't expect and maybe also feel a little ambivalent about? I know with my previous therapist that this was when things started to feel more muddy for me. Sometimes I still dream about my previous therapist, usually I dream that I am having dinner with her in her kitchen and her husband and her kids. It always feels a little wrong, even though it is only a dream-kitchen.
T apparently brought up my case in intervision during a course and one of the teachers told her that we may be avoiding things together. This teacher recommended T to cross my boundaries more. To push me more, to take more risks. T felt insecure about this and felt that she had to really explore this with me, even though crossing boundaries goes against the therapy modality she usually follows. Then she also told me about her other job, where people have been telling her similar things. She said she will probably quit that job, because it no longer fits her values.
And I told her that it is probably not my place to tell her, but that she deserves to feel confident and stable and sturdy in her work. So it's probably good to quit that job.
She said she's always had a hunch that it wouldn't be good to push my boundaries.
When I stopped seeing my previous therapist, she said she was afraid that maybe we engaged in folie à deux (shared madness). She'd lost faith in being able to help me, whether she'd diagnosed me correctly, whether the treatment we did together meant anything... etc.
I'm a little afraid that maybe T is getting there, too. She handled the confrontation very well, so that helps me feel OK about it, but I'm still afraid of that happening again.
You know, I had another conversation with someone about that thing where therapists try to convince someone to do something.
She shared about an almost panic attack moment and that the two therapists were like: "Do you avoid situations more often like this?" She said that it seemed they were insinuating that she wasn't trying, or perhaps that pushing yourself through things while you are barely conscious from panic is normal (which she did for many years before starting therapy).
I really wonder sometimes if some of these therapists realize that they are potentially retraumatizing people.
On the other hand, of course I also understand that avoidance *can* make anxiety bigger. Some exposure is a good thing. Having support from a therapist and feeling more brave because of that is a good thing. Some discomfort and challenge can help people grow. Trying new things to broaden your horizon can be a good thing. That's all true.
Dealing with adversity is (unfortunately) a big part of life as well, so it is inevitable that people need to develop skills to cope with that. Distress tolerance is part of that.
But at the same time I really strongly believe in giving people choices. I don't know why I feel*so* strongly about that.
It could be because I was spoiled like that as a child. I went to a Montessori school, for example. In that way, I was given a lot of autonomy and choice. Sometimes that was a big responsibility and perhaps it didn't help me to learn to trust adults and to follow them. But it also saved me, because like Matilda, I learned to trust myself (and books, and people like Miss Honey). My mum said I was a super easy child. My dad said I was wayyy too stubborn. My Kindergarten teacher wrote lovingly that I was always debating with her, but that we could find really good compromises and that I was always willing to look for solutions.
Based on what she wrote, I think she really knew me and loved me in her own way. In the way a teacher can and does.
I think that a good teacher and/or therapist doesn't force anyone. I think they can show so much confidence that you may follow them where you wouldn't go alone, and that can be a beautiful thing. It's an art to know when to push and provoke a little bit. It needs a really solid foundation and space for that pressure to go (you can't just keep adding and adding).
But maybe I'm also mistaken. Maybe I'm not ready to "do the work", or too tired, too avoidant. I know it's supposed to be uncomfortable, but I think there are different kinds of uncomfortable. The deep work often felt heavy and tough, but not in a way that made me want to stop trying. This feeling of being forced/misunderstood makes me wonder if I should keep trying/what is wrong with me.
It's the Royal Academy of Art Young Artist's Summer Show. One of my favourite exhibitions of the year. Like. Not only are the older kids insanely talented, the younger ones' artist statements will just punch you right in the face.
Due to my weird childhood and my weird brain, I have this very unhelpful compulsion to conceal Everything I do from Everyone. I Cannot be observed performing any action, no matter how mundane. My nervous system is convinced I'm gonna, like, Get In Trouble for eating food at dinnertime or sleeping in my bed at bedtime.
I've taken to asking myself, "Okay does this task actually require subterfuge or am I stealing a balloon on Free Balloon Day"
Today was quite the rollercoaster, because I had a bit of a scary work meeting AND my catsitter cancelled on me, with only a week left until my trip. 😱
I asked so many people... I found one who would be willing to at least stop by for the basics. Sure, the kitty would survive, but I would then spend the whole trip worrying about her. Thankfully eventually I found someone good. They will stay at my place (like the original cat sitter also would've) and they genuinely enjoy cats and they have a calm energy.
I was super worried.........
So this is good news.
I'm not so sure about the job stuff, it feels super scary to make my contract smaller at job #1. But probably it will just give me space for other things, more growth (or more time for job-searching) once the temporary position will run out (the career counselor thing I will try out).
A bit too much anxiety to have all of this in one day!
I woke up kind of ready to fight, so maybe that's why, but when T emailed me I wanted to specifically fight her.
That's not really my thing. I don't fight with people. I solve conflicts, okay?
T wrote that she is afraid there may be "collusion" going on, where a therapist and a client non-verbally agree to "not go there" for certain topics.
And man, I felt attacked. Fuck that. :(
I talked about it with a friend and she said that from her perspective it seems that I try to talk about difficult topics with T, but then withdraw when I see that it's not really being contained very well. She said that she thinks my T should work on being able to provide more safety... and that her suggestions seem to blame me a lot of the time.
I think I may be avoiding certain topics indeed, like the queer experience of dating. I just... don't think T would understand. She made some rookie mistakes in calling my partner by the wrong pronouns, for example. She totally didn't realize how hurtful that can be and that's fair, but I don't have the energy or drive to do a lot of education on stuff like that in my own therapy. So I guess I kind of decided to just not go there with her. I'm sure she has plenty of good relationship advice, but I still... idk. It doesn't feel like the right space for it.
And in similar ways I have those doubts about some of the last bits of trauma stuff that still hurt. I continually feel misunderstood and like I'm working *so* hard to explain myself somehow, but then she keeps trying to challenge me and then I feel more misunderstood and defiant. I *can* handle some challenging. But the deep trust is not there.
So that's not great.
So I wonder if there really is "collusion". Maybe. I can't throw away the idea completely, I do owe her to think about it. But I also feel really hurt somehow at the same time. Really disconnected and unseen and hurt.
So it's probably time to leave, but I wish it wasn't. I wish it could be less hurting.
I love tumblr more than IG bc IG feels like I’m posting looking for a job but on here it’s like I already lost the job and my wife and the house and I’m just sitting on the curb talking to myself
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