Maybe next month.

TTC from Nov 2014 - August 2015, then diagnosed with Leukemia (APL M3) - complete remission in March 2016 • socialist • feminist • knitter • sci-fi/fantasy series lover • cat lover • truth and beauty bombs (this blog is mostly about TTC though!)

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Anxious

Ugh. I woke up around 3am and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I have to get up for work in two hours. I hate insomnia. It's because I'm off my painkillers finally (I was on them for eight months while battling leukemia) and even with a three week taper, I still had withdrawal symptoms. The worst of it is mostly over (stomach cramps, aches, restless legs) but I'm still sneezing and yawning ALL THE TIME and I feel like I'll never sleep soundly again. I'm anxious about everything. My blood pressure is literally higher, so there's that. To make matters worse, a close family member AND friend have developed a bit of a heroin habit over the last few months. I not only have no real support system and nobody to talk to about my own difficulty getting off painkillers, but I have to deal with this. It's SO DIFFICULT to feel SO MISERABLE with that shit not only being at my fingertips but being offered to me. It's almost comical. I haven't ever taken any, nor do I want to. The only thing keeping me away from it is that I have a feeling I would *not* be a functioning heroin user. I strongly suspect that I would pretty quickly wind up dead or in rehab. I just know myself and how easily I develop a dependency on opiates. Heroin is a line that I just should never cross. It's scary that it has become such an easy thing to get. Like, these people I know that are using - I would never describe as addicts or anything. I guess they are now, but you'd never know it. At the moment they are functioning and 100% in denial that there is even a problem. I doubt that will last forever though. On top of all that drama, I can't stop worrying about my first follow up with my oncologist in June. Now that I'm off the painkillers, the cancer saga finally feels over to me. It's sinking in, and I hardly know what to do with myself. I also am anxious about finally being able to TTC after that appointment (assuming I'm still in remission). I'm kind of dreading the fact that it feels like we're starting from square one. The nine months TTC before I was diagnosed with leukemia were just so damn depressing. I simultaneously can't wait. I want to believe so badly that this will be our year. I've been distracting myself by reading lots of Malec fanfic. I have no idea why I became obsessed with this (I didn't even finish the books - and only started watching Shadowhunters with a mild interest). I don't even usually gravitate towards slashy fanfic. They are just so ridiculously adorable though.

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Complete Remission!

I found out 2 weeks ago I’m in complete remission from leukemia! Because of the chemo I had (ATRA and arsenic trioxide) I need to wait at least a few months before trying again to get pregnant. I’m thankful that my fertility wasn’t completely lost due to cancer, but the wait is agonizing. I have my next follow up in June to ensure that the leukemia is still in remission, and I think we’re aiming to try and start ttc after that appointment. There’s always a chance it could come back, but the odds are in my favor that it won’t.

All my oncologist has really said was that the treatment wouldn’t impair my fertility, but he’s never personally had a patient go on to have children that he knows of. The kind of leukemia I had was so rare, and the treatment I had is so new. There are a few clinical studies I’ve dug up of successful pregnancies over the last few years following the type and cancer and treatment I had, which gives me some hope.

My fingers are crossed that the reason we couldn’t get pregnant was because I unknowingly had cancer and my body just knew what not to do.

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R.I.P. Alan Rickman

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Time

One of these chemo rounds, the pain from these headaches might actually drive me to a level of insanity that there’s no coming back from. They usually start to ease up a few days in. I started one drug on Monday, the other Wednesday. Saturday should be better. I can make it until Saturday.

This is how I measure time now by the drip of the IV by the hours until my next pain pill by the days until I’ll feel a little better for a little while

by the weeks until I see my mom again by the months until my final biopsy by the years until I can have a child somehow the hours on the clock seem strange seem wild

(This might be first poem I’ve ever really written that wasn’t forced to be written for a grade. It just poured out of me… kind of a spoken word vibe… however awful it may be, I’m saving it... it might not be finished - that's all I got for now though.)

[webelieveinyoukris-blog]

Being gay is natural? Okay.

You have three islands. Divide them into groups of one. The straight island, the gay island, and the lesbian island. The straight island is going to reproduce and keep going strong for millions of generations to come. The gay and lesbian islands will both wipe out in not even one century. This isn’t just about religion or morals, it’s just simple common sense. Being gay is unnatural, and not just because God said so, but because you yourself wouldn’t even be born without a REAL natural man and woman. And no, there is no such thing as a lesbian bone marrow “thing” to have children. That’s a biased fact that came from a lesbian scientist who has false opinions. If it’s not a real penis or vagina, then it’s fucking false and you’re just opinionated by dumb facts. I’m done here. Read over what I said and if you still think that being gay is normal and natural, then I hope you achieve some common sense one day. Bye

[yeinns-blog]

Where is this gay island located.. asking for a friend

[queercakes]

I just have SO MANY questions. Why were we all separated onto different islands? Did the government sanction this? If so, why? Why didn’t we revolt against this tyrannical government? Where are these islands? How were they chosen? Are the continents of the world abandoned? What kind of resources are on each island? Are they the same or different? Does each island have a right to form its own government or does the government that segregated us still rule? If so, what island do they rule from and how do they communicate with the other two islands? If they can communicate with the other two islands, can all three islands communicate with each other? If the straight people keep reproducing, won’t their island become overpopulated and their resources depleted? Islands only have so much space right? Do straight people stop having gay kids? Isn’t it a fact that, to date, straight people are the largest manufacturers of gay kids? If a gay kid is born on straight island, do they get sent to their appropriate island? Wouldn’t that aid in the re-population of gay and lesbian island? What about people who are attracted to more than one gender? Are they just lost at sea, floating aimlessly? Is the ocean full of listless pansexuals, floating nowhere? Or are they trapped in some sort of purgatory because they don’t fit on any one island? Are there trees on lesbian island? Is it conceivable that if there were, a large group of lesbians could build a boat? Have you ever seen lesbians around timber? If they built a boat, could they travel to gay island? How far apart are the islands? If they could travel to gay island, would they be able to collect semen, return to lesbian island, and repopulate the island? Would they be able to send some of those children to gay island? Do trans people exist in this world? If so, wouldn’t they be able to aid in repopulation? If the lesbians decided to declare war on the heterosexuals, would they be able to reach their island? On the way to heterosexual island, could the lesbians pick up the gays and scoop the floating bisexuals from the sea? If so, would they all be able to go and attack heterosexual island together, wiping out its people’s, stealing its children and taking all its resources? Does this fantasy world get you off at night? Please write back soon!

[fieldbears]

Speaking up from the pansexual archipelago: I too have these questions

[nothowtheforceworks]

Checking in from bisexual bay: The boats are nearly complete and are equipped with a special invisibility function. We attack at dawn

[fieldbears]

Fuck the questions, lemme on that boat, I’m coming with you

[aspiring-weird-old-man]

*random ace just floating away into the sky like a balloon*

[jezunya]

I am so here for an asexual sky nation. We live in floating cities and master the wind currents. Newly minted ace youths are sent up to us in baskets suspended under hot air balloons. We breed giant birds to bear us through the skies, or else build ourselves wings and gliders to fly in their midst. The only land we know are the tallest mountain peaks and the world is a bright blue gem spreading out beneath us.

(And we will of course be providing air support for the impending attack on Straight Island)

[thatwriterchickyouknow]

OP’s nasty-ass post got turned into a goddamn sci-fi dystopian adventure and I’m so here for it.

[whalleyrulz]

oh my god Bisexual Buccaneers from Both-Ways Bay is both a porn tile and my new life goals

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i’m an asexual homoromantic does this make me our young heroine torn between worlds

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I stumbled across this and I think it’s is a fabulous idea! Whenever I've babysat children and we reach the bedtime story time, there are always toys and books in the bed with corners poking them or it's hard for them to pull out the one they want from the bookshelves. Here's the DYI tutorial: http://pennycarnival.typepad.com/penny_carnival/2009/02/tutorial-hanging-book-display.html I’m adding it to my secret future nursery Pinterest board and I had to share!

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I saw this and thought I'd share with all the mamas-to-be on my feed. It's a good article - I'm definitely rereading this if I ever become pregnant.

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I’m not very religious, but I do think there is a higher power of sorts and that things usually have a way of working out in the end. Though I'm not completely sold on it, I do really like the idea of reincarnation. I have always felt like I have an "older soul" than everyone else around me. I think spending too much time wondering about what happens after you die or before you're born is a little silly though. My mother isn't religious in the transitional sense either. She does have a "spiritual guide" who has "intuitive gifts" (but is not a psychic!) that she sometimes calls (and pays money for). I've been trying to keep tabs on my mom doing this because it sounds awfully scam-ish to me. She only seems to reach out every once in a while though and I don't really think it's hurting anyone. If it comforters her, then I’m inclined to not nag her about it unless it seems to be getting out of control.

Anyway, the sessions are recorded and my mom sent me the audio file of her session with this woman shortly after I'd been diagnosed with Leukemia. I was expecting it to sound kind of hokey, but it wasn't. She basically was just trying to reassure my mom that I was going to be okay. She said that I have a soul contract with my future child already and he (she thinks I will have a boy) is just waiting until I'm healthy.

I don't know exactly how I feel about it all, but it brought tears to my eyes. I like the idea that our souls are already bound in some way. This quote by Emery Allen kind of ties into that concept and I love it.

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This is important.

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Beautiful words by Karuna Ezars Parikh.

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Better

I'm home from the hospital. I can keep fluids down and I think whatever virus I had is over. My bruises from the car accident 3 weeks ago are finally healing and I don't wince every time I move. I'm on a break from one of my chemotherapy drugs. The other is giving me the worst headaches ever, but I have pain meds to manage them. Despite this clusterfuck of awful the past few months, I woke up feeling grateful. I have a husband who has been a rock through all this. I have a cat who comforts and purrs away my anxiety. My parents have been my best cheerleaders. My workplace sends me get well baskets constantly and is holding a place for me to come back when I'm done with chemotherapy - months from now. I have the best team of doctors I could ask for. I'm still here.

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This link is in my “patenting done right” folder I add to every once in a while. This is important. It brought tears to my eyes. I need to come back to this when I have kids one day.

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Dehydration

After 12 hours of constant vomiting and diarrhea, I went to the hospital last night. I was apparently in the early stages kidney failure. We caught it just in time with IV fluids to reverse it, but dehydration isn't something to take lightly! They're not sure what it is yet - a lot of wrong guesses so far (currently they're testing for norovirus). They're keeping me here until this resolves. Everyone: please don't tough out dehydration if you can't keep anything down for 12-24 hours. Just go get IV fluids at an ER or to your doctor if they can provide it.

[boggletheowl]

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This never fails to give me goosebumps. Everyone who works in the mental health field should have this in their office.

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Seriously

On top of everything, on my way to my chemo appointment I was in a car accident on Wednesday. Air bags deployed, smoke everywhere, for about a minute I thought "this is it, I'm going to die". My car is totaled. I managed to escape with no broken bones or organ damage. I have the worst bruises I've ever had across my chest and stomach from the seatbelt though and pretty much can't move. I think I'd be dead if I didn't have my seatbelt on though. I've had nosebleeds all weekend and my period is two weeks early which shouldn't happen while on birth control so I probably need to get a different pill. I can't make it to my obgyn though because I have chemo mon - fri and never know when I'll be done - some days I'm there until 5pm. Next week I have a break from chemo though. I'm probably going to need a transfusion tomorrow - my hemoglobin level was already low on Friday and since all I've done this weekend is bleed, I can't imagine it won't be worse. I feel mildly suicidal, but I just keep repeating the last part of this quote to myself and it helps: "Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine." - Charlotte Eriksson

[carafem]