Anxious
Ugh. I woke up around 3am and haven't been able to get back to sleep. I have to get up for work in two hours. I hate insomnia. It's because I'm off my painkillers finally (I was on them for eight months while battling leukemia) and even with a three week taper, I still had withdrawal symptoms. The worst of it is mostly over (stomach cramps, aches, restless legs) but I'm still sneezing and yawning ALL THE TIME and I feel like I'll never sleep soundly again. I'm anxious about everything. My blood pressure is literally higher, so there's that. To make matters worse, a close family member AND friend have developed a bit of a heroin habit over the last few months. I not only have no real support system and nobody to talk to about my own difficulty getting off painkillers, but I have to deal with this. It's SO DIFFICULT to feel SO MISERABLE with that shit not only being at my fingertips but being offered to me. It's almost comical. I haven't ever taken any, nor do I want to. The only thing keeping me away from it is that I have a feeling I would *not* be a functioning heroin user. I strongly suspect that I would pretty quickly wind up dead or in rehab. I just know myself and how easily I develop a dependency on opiates. Heroin is a line that I just should never cross. It's scary that it has become such an easy thing to get. Like, these people I know that are using - I would never describe as addicts or anything. I guess they are now, but you'd never know it. At the moment they are functioning and 100% in denial that there is even a problem. I doubt that will last forever though. On top of all that drama, I can't stop worrying about my first follow up with my oncologist in June. Now that I'm off the painkillers, the cancer saga finally feels over to me. It's sinking in, and I hardly know what to do with myself. I also am anxious about finally being able to TTC after that appointment (assuming I'm still in remission). I'm kind of dreading the fact that it feels like we're starting from square one. The nine months TTC before I was diagnosed with leukemia were just so damn depressing. I simultaneously can't wait. I want to believe so badly that this will be our year. I've been distracting myself by reading lots of Malec fanfic. I have no idea why I became obsessed with this (I didn't even finish the books - and only started watching Shadowhunters with a mild interest). I don't even usually gravitate towards slashy fanfic. They are just so ridiculously adorable though.
















