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@spade-club
Good morning & Welcome to my blog!
You can call me Spade!! (or Toast)
Im just here to talk about myself and reblog stuff that I like! I mostly use this blog for mental health stuff as I have Autism & DID. Feel free to interact, just no discourse please!!
Other blogs & Alter List below
Just hi please don't make the mistake I did. If you feel like you can't tell your friends about a fight you had with a partner or another friend, tell them. I know you feel like they wont understand/dont want to make the other person look bad/dont want to worry them needlessly but please. Trust me. Tell them and ask for help.
1 in 5 people are probably plural
5 in 1 person is definitely plural
Top contender for my dumbest post ever
the version of you from five years ago would be genuinely amazed by what you’ve handled since then. sit with that for a second
Tw uh.... graphic imagery & death. Talking about a dream.
Had a dream last night that I had two daughters. Their father had taken them from me because I tried to leave him. He wouldnt let me into my own house to see them. Eventually I tricked him to come out and I went to grab my children. My younger daughter seemed to be about 4 years old. She was blonde and she was sitting on the ground with a knife in her hand and a slit across her throat. She bled and cried as I held her. She told me that she saw me dead in the living room while her father kept her inside, and she had done this to try to go to where I was. As though this is how she saw me. I wiped the blood from her throat and told her its okay. I'm alive. I'm here. Please dont let yourself die. That wasnt me.
I woke up soon after but with the feeling as though she survived. I uh, dont really know what this means. I guess maybe this is deeper than I'm really sure how to understand. 4 is how old my youngest (alter) is. They often act as though they are my protector. They are mature and know to shield themself from things that are heavy. But they know to do this because they know how sensitive they can be. They know how sensitive we are. They know that we have been through too much.
Idk. I just felt like sharing. I was okay all day and just now it popped back into my head and I just... felt like it was too big to ignore.
hold on let me try to invent a version of myself who can get us out of this mess [holds really still for a minute and a half and then turns to you with a flat affect] we probably should have killed ourselves an hour ago
& about this thing
Gosh. Not everything is about suffering. Sometimes things are nice and thats cool too. Can we talk about that a little more? Can we talk about nice things sometimes?
(obscuring username as not to single anybody out + not negative. just in case someones shy) but this is actually what we did with our journals at first too. we used lighthouse for some time, alongside discord/simplyplural. but with simplyplural being left and not wanting to be as on our phone/computer, we switched to paper.
for people with higher system counts, there are actually really good paperback journal 'packs' you can get at most stationary stores. if buying a 10/15$ journal seems too intimidating, you can get these packs for like, 10 dollars total, and each one only has about 40ish pages.
this way if you have parts that dont front as frequently, you dont have anyone worrying about 'waste' while still providing them their own space. these are just a few examples.
something unexpected this ended up helping with was actually our individual memories too. i noticed some people asking 'how do you journal if you're blurry/have bad memory as a part?' and, well, that's actually why i started doing it. i wanted to remember more than just 'feeling bad' whenever i fronted, so i carry my journal with me and write down basically like, everything.
even just passing thoughts like 'i kind of wish we had beef strips at home for dinner' or 'im really excited for artfight this year'. when you're trying to recover as a system, especially as a part thats been heavily slotted with a lot of 'negative' emotions, its important to give yourself the space to express more than those things. if you only ever remember yourself as being 'angry/bad' then you wont develop much past that, and you start to internalize that shit and really hate yourself.
journaling has been a great outlet for me to vent and draw my own stuff, but it's also given me some dignity and the space to feel like a person outside of just being like. traumatized. i sort of use it as a vault of everything about me, good and bad, important and trivial.
also like, importantly, from both an eco friendly and anticap standpoint, you can really just use stuff you have lying around the house already. i think personalizing your journal is important, but you can also do that without going out and buying 56347875 things. personally i got really into junk journaling alongside writing and drawing, because it gave me a spot to put a lot of the cool stuff that other people would think is trash.
sys culture is why do my thoughts keep saying "you/your" as if talking to m- ohhh- hey who's there???
.
common occurrence
I feel so sick. I was not built for this. (Being awake.)
you know, i don't remember
it's kind of insane how disasterous of an effect it can have on your psyche and development as an adult if people thought you were annoying when you were 8
My therapist is legitimately the least professional therapist I have ever seen. Unfortunately, I like him so I keep letting it slide. But what the heck is 17 minutes before a session "sorry, I have to wake up at 3am tomorrow for a photoshoot so can we reschedule?" Boy. Boy what?
& like. Maybe thats just the way bc I was totally asleep when he sent that despite having a session in 17 minutes. & now we rescheduled for later in the day on Tuesday so we will both be better rested.
But man I guess thats just the way with gen-z these days. We're like,, too into our own boundaries, almost to our detriment. Tbh if I had become a therapist like I wanted to, I wouldnt be much better.
Today I was talking about how I struggle with the dichotomy of "being normal functional clean and sober" and "I wanna be punk who cares have fun forever" & they said something along the lines of "im like the perfect example of that. I have a professional job (etc.) but if i dont want to do something I dont wanna do it so I wont"
Unfortunately I think I really like this guy lol. Hes like an evil role model & he makes my life better
Help I keep making OCs and they keep talking to me. And as me. And for me.
My therapist is legitimately the least professional therapist I have ever seen. Unfortunately, I like him so I keep letting it slide. But what the heck is 17 minutes before a session "sorry, I have to wake up at 3am tomorrow for a photoshoot so can we reschedule?" Boy. Boy what?
& like. Maybe thats just the way bc I was totally asleep when he sent that despite having a session in 17 minutes. & now we rescheduled for later in the day on Tuesday so we will both be better rested.
But man I guess thats just the way with gen-z these days. We're like,, too into our own boundaries, almost to our detriment. Tbh if I had become a therapist like I wanted to, I wouldnt be much better.
