Stressed Optimist

she/her | AO3: Kenina

[my-2nd-account]

Meanwhile in his opponent's room:

[littlespoonevan]

i know there's a Plan(tm) but i think it would be really funny if they simply changed the narrative on hollanov in the hr universe by putting professional rage-baiter ilya rozanov in front of the press one day and when they try to get him to shit-talk shane like normal he's just like 'um no ☝️shane hollander is my best friend' and when the journalists are all visibly confused and ask 'uh don't you hate him?' he's just like 'no when did i say that? i never said that' 'but what about your rivalry?' 'who told you we were rivals? i know nothing about this' and this keeps going and going until eventually everyone is forced to print articles that say 'ilya roznov and shane hollander: great friends apparently'

[wine-dark-sky]

I just know that the rest of the league was PISSED at Montreal for driving Shane away by being homophobic dumbasses because now he's in his husband's arms at Ottawa and they're the sleep paralysis demons of the entire NHL.

News of the trade drops and every hockey player in the eastern conference wakes up with a looming sense of dread and awareness that they are now in danger. Filing a work safety complaint before games against Ottawa because having to play against both Shane fucking Hollander and Ilya godamn Rozanov on the SAME TEAM should really count as an OSHA violation. No comment, we're too busy holding a team prayer circle before the game🙏

[finelytaylored]

“can’t believe you treat your gf like this Hollander 😔” has me crying lmao please someone write this

[thenwedied]

Ilya wanted to tell Shane that it had been one of the best days of his life. It had been awkward, sure, but Ilya felt that, if he hadn't quite been already, he would be welcomed into Shane's family, and that was no small thing. In fact, to Ilya, who had barely been welcome in his own family, it was huge. - Heated Rivalry, Chapter 27

[lavenderprose]

As a married person I do need to tell you all that Shane and Ilya do weird shit all the time.

They routinely have entire conversations where Ilya is very softly smacking Shane's foot the entire time. Shane enjoys the percussive feedback.

Ilya mispronounces the word "Application" and they just sit there mutually whispering 'Aaap-li-caaa-shun' at each other for the next thirty seconds.

Ilya comes up behind Shane while he's trying to make a smoothie and says 'HELPING HANDS' and puts his arms under Shane's armpits.

Ilya sees Shane undressing in the bathroom and yells, "Take it all off!"

Shane carries Anya into the bedroom and holds her over Ilya's chest and moves her paws and says, "Papa it is me. Papa it has been an whole hour since I ate. Papa I am so hungry and sad." then drops her on his stomach.

Shane comes into the home office and grabs a pen off the desk and puts it against Ilya's cheek and says, "Any last words?" and Ilya says, "I wish I had eaten more dumplings."

Ilya spends an entire episode of House Hunters International with his hand down Shane's pants. It's not doing anything in there either it's just keeping warm.

Sometimes they are just mutually awake at three AM for No Reason and they go stand on the porch and stare at the empty street together.

Sometimes they are laying there playing footsie on the couch while on their phones (Parallel play) and Shane says, "Does your mouth ever do that squeezing thing. You know. When you eat." And Ilya says "Explain" and they spend the next ten minutes dissecting whether this is a Human Experience or a Shane Experience.

Sometimes Ilya will put his head on Shane's stomach and say, "Show me your boooones" and wait for Shane to lift his shirt so he can burrow under it.

I just think that we as a fandom need to embrace how Weird married people get about each other. From personal experience I am telling you it is SO FUN.

[lavenderprose]

Okay maybe I'm too American (I have been accused of this repeatedly now) but the drive between Montreal and Boston is five hours. Probably six on a bad day. In the grand scheme of long distance relationships, especially for people who are used to traveling, that's small potatoes. Meet in the middle and that's a cool two and a half hours. You cannot convince me they never did this. You're telling me Mr. Real Estate Youtube Rabbit Hole never stayed up until one in the morning looking at cabins in Vermont? You're telling me Ilya didn't play around on Google Maps until he found a Park 'N Go off I89 with sufficiently dim lighting and text the address to Shane, no context given aside from maybe Come murder me? You're telling me that Shane Hollander never shared his location with Ilya, got in his car and prayed that customs wasn't busy. Ilya waited two years to fuck Shane, begged him for it the whole time, and you expect me to believe that a halfway bootycall never even OCCURED to him? That's a COMMUTE. That's a DINNER DATE. Ilya drove his prettiest and fastest car to Buttfuck Vermont to give the town its name and then he ate Cracker Barrel pancakes in the passenger's seat of Shane's dumb Land Rover while Shane watched. Round two before they went home. All before the sun came up. It HAPPENED.

[dallas-stars-in-my-eyes]

I’m sorry but “you come here” “no you come here” while they’re both actively walking towards each other is the entire plot of Heated Rivalry encapsulated in a few seconds.

Like they both want the other to be the initiator because they both want to pretend that they’re chill and not that invested BUT at the same time they are both so completely unchill that they cannot stay away from each other for a single second more than they have to, no matter how hard they try.

[fuckrozanov]

the “i don’t know that side of you at all” line is so underappreciated because it’s really the first time ilya has revealed an insecurity to shane, something so ingrained in him by his father that he wears it like a second skin, and he positions it as a light-hearted joke but shane doesn’t get why he would say that about himself. shane meets him head-on, so earnest and sweet: i don’t know that side of you at all. i only know that you have put in relentless work to hone your craft and dominate your career. i pour everything into this sport and you’re the only one who can keep up—how could you be lazy. i made you pursue me for two years before we had sex and you never stopped. you could have anyone; you put in the work for me. every time we fuck you give and give and give. you’ve learned my body and figured out what i need because i never let myself. i don’t know that side of you at all.

[totallyboatless]

There are many, many things to love about episode 5 of Heated Rivalry, but the one that cracks me up the most is the fakeout where Shane is about to leave the hotel room and is fully clothed, making it seem like he and Ilya didn’t have sex

And then the reverse shot of Ilya lounging smugly in his underwear on a bed that has been ABSOLUTELY AND UTTERLY DEMOLISHED

[unkillable-gays]

The fact that there are multiple times in canon (and obv countless times in fic) where people find out about hollanov and are like "could this affect how they play against each other? Have they ever let each other win???"

And the true and normal answer is, "no, of course not, they are both professionals who take their craft very seriously."

But the even MORE true answer is, "well, it DOES affect their game, in that they are even more competive with each other, because winning at hockey is a Sex Thing for them."

But they can't tell people that :/

[freakoutgirl]

Ilya btw

[lavenderprose]

Honestly? Honestly the idea of Ilya Rozanov sitting himself down at twelve years old and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. It killed my mother. It's going to kill me. And then growing up a little bit and realizing some Things about himself and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. I have tried and tried and for some reason people keep Knowing What I Am. Ilya, young bisexual man with an apparently pretty clocky affect to his speaking voice. A strong young man with a natural and lovely flamboyance in him, a sweetness he tries to smother and the ability to play hockey like it was bestowed upon him by GOD. I've GOT to get out of here, he thinks to himself. And then he leaves (but not really) does some more growing up and he falls in love only he can't let himself be in love because the lead weight of this country is still tied to him and he thinks I have GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. Then his father dies and the man he loves says "Come with me" and Ilya says I am NEVER going back!! I will wear my mother's cross and I will think of her every day and she will forgive me for never visiting her grave because her beautiful boy got OUT. I will go to a place where I am loved by a man A MAN who I love more than I ever thought I was allowed. Who holds my face and my hands and my heart. I will find a home for myself in his arms. I will never go fucking back.

[my-2nd-account]

The hottest Ilya Rozanov has ever looked is when Shane asks "how could we let this happen?" and you can see Ilya behind him completely lost in the sauce hanging by a tenuous thread having clearly been edged to an inch of his life going at the pace Shane wants like the service top that he is and that vein visibly throbbing and almost popping out of his temple and his eyes are love drunk fuck struck sex crazed staring at Shane's lips and he's sweating his balls off as red as a tomato looking like he's 2 seconds away from having a reunion with his mother and he loves Shane and Shane loves him and he's too hard rn to understand what the actual fuck a rhetorical question is so he answers out of breath with a not contained at all horniness with something about stupid and irresponsible and Shane finally finally says "please fuck me" so he grips Shane's thigh with one hand and his shoulder with the other and starts thrusting like his life depends on it and Shane's gripping his hair and controlling his movements like the freaking rat from ratatouille and he pulls those golden curls hard enough to take out a few strands and Shane's fingers are in his mouth and he sucks on his nipples so hard he almost has him lactating and the windows are open and the sun is shining and it's a perfect fucking sight.

[prideprejudiceandilya]

It makes me laugh that every hockey player is like “FUCK ROZANOV HE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE” and then Ilya is playing with kids in the pool 🥹 saying “I love you” to his teammates 🥹 leaving his niece a fund despite his horrible brother 🥹 like he is the sweetest softie 🥹

[fuckrozanov]

80% of unrivaled has to be ilya being incredibly uncool at all the casual intimacy he gets to have with shane now. they go to a bar with the team and shane puts his hand on ilya’s knee midsentence and ilya chokes on the rest of it. at the grocery store and ilya is holding up an avocado to see if it’s ripe enough and shane walks up behind him and puts a hand on his hip and ilya drops it. yes they’re having freak sex but now it’s because shane was on the phone with the dog groomer and they’re asking about appointment times and shane says “hold on let me ask my husband—“ and now he’s face down ass up in the middle of the kitchen and ilya is like say that again say that again say that again say that again

[eugeniedanglars]

major league hockey fan watching ilya kiss shane’s helmet at the 2017 all star game and posting “god had to put ilya rozanov and shane hollander on rival teams because otherwise they’d be having so much gay sex they wouldn’t have time for hockey” and then a few years later reblogging themselves like “WELL”