THAT ONE TIME SPENCER REID ACCIDENTALLY PUNCHED DEREK IN THE FACE (AND OTHER MOMENTS) [ONE-SHOT]
character(s): spencer reid, elle greenaway, aaron hotchner, emily prentiss, luke alvez (criminal minds), penelope garcia, david rossi, michael lamontagne, derek morgan (criminal minds), jason gideon, jennifer "jj" jareau
tags: lesbian emily prentiss, bisexual spencer reid, it's barely implied just making sure you understood it WAS implied (she says as if it's not canon), crack in the sense that there is literally no point to this whatsoever, spencer reid has secrets, fluff, friendship, face punching, nutcracking
summary: jj wonders when she will stop letting spencer surprise her. she's already figured out that he can do more surprisingly odd things then she would've expected - throughout the years, she's caught on pretty quickly that there's more to him than meets the eye. / or, five secret "talents" the others didn't know spencer had.
i. nutcracking (walnuts, not men)
somebody - somebody whose first and last initials are pg and is the only somebody who would actually do this - buys hotch a nutcracker for christmas.
whether it's supposed to be a gag joke or not still has yet to be determined since it's been sitting in his office for years, but he doesn't immediately throw it away and/or look at with complete disgust and disappointment, so it must not have been a total fail.
it's a pink, two foot tall statue with blue eyes and its teeth pulled back like it's permanently grimacing, and is actually one of the ugliest things ever, but garcia smiles like she's all delighted when he opens it, and they do actually have nuts from gift baskets everyone had gotten from, funnily enough, gideon, so they'd all ended up using it. more than once.
it's a late night, almost one in the morning, because the case they'd been working on was long and they all still had paperwork to fill out. jingle bells is playing appropriately from the bau office's speakers and everyone is kind of gathered in the bullpen around the center desks. they sift through papers and files, pretending not to see elle slip spencer some of hers, a dull light from hotch's office illuminating everything, and piles of walnuts in sections between every other person.
derek reaches for a handful, throwing them at elle as she takes forever loading hers into the nutcracker, one at a time.
"hurry up." he says, and she sticks her tongue out at him, like the five year old she is. maybe putting them next to each other wasn't the greatest idea.
when she finally finishes, he takes it from her, frowning. he's busy concentrating on trying to figure how to work the ugly, too tall thing when he hears elle incredulously getting onto somebody about something. figures.
"what the hell are you doing?" elle asks, and derek turns to look at her directing the question at spencer. figures.
spenced glances up at her, frowning. "uhm. what do you mean?" which is a fair question, because spencer doesn't look like he's doing anything, except eating walnuts and reading through papers - her papers originally, so she should actually be thanking him, really.
"did you just - you just cracked that walnut."
"...yeah?"
"with your bare hands."
"...yeah?"
derek turns to elle, about to ask if she's feeling okay, when he pauses - wait.
what?
"you did what?" he asks and spencer gives him a funny look, gesturing to the walnut shells in front of him.
"i cracked them. like you're supposed to do. before you, you know, eat them?" he says, speaking like he's explaining something to a five year old, as if derek's the one cracking open fucking walnuts with his bare hands, "now, if you don't mind, i'd like to eat my nuts in peace." he adds, then flushes when he's realized what he's said.
gideon looks up, in what looks like equal parts regret and exasperation as morgan laughs and exchanges looks with elle who's doing her best not to. she's failing.
"can you two take anything seriously?" hotch asks, though amusement laces his tone. derek opens his mouth to retaliate, and probably point out that it still doesn't answer what the hell spencer is doing, when hotch, the hypocritical bastard he is, says, "you know who else is good at nutcracking?"
elle smirks, stealing the opening of the joke for what it is and running with it, "me."
ii. reflexes
elle watches through the window wall as spencer fills his coffee cup, cracking her neck.
"hey," derek says from where he sits at his desk, and she glances over at him. "wanna see something funny?"
her and derek's ideas of funny tend to be on the same page, she's found, so she nods, already grinning. he gestures to spencer, then stands up, slipping between the door and the wall so that when it opens, he's hidden.
"you're a jackass," she says, still grinning, but then stops and shuts up, pretending to go back to work as she sees spencer approaching. she looks up as he gets to the doorway.
"hey, where did morgan -," spencer starts, before morgan cuts him off, shouting something incoherent as he jumps out from behind the opened crack.
elle stifles her laughter, before her jaw drops when a strangled noise comes from derek as spencer decks him in the nose and spills his coffee all over him.
"son of a bitch!" derek yells, though it sounds more like an estranged cat, and spencer yanks his arm back.
"oh, god." he splutters, "i'm so - i didn't know it was you! i'm so sorry, it was just reflexes - are you okay?"
elle isn't sure morgan can hear him as a peal of laughter escapes through her lips, and she cackles, finally recovering. derek glares at her, his hand holding where his nose is freshly bleeding, as spencer sets down his now empty cup and jogs back to the coffee room to grab napkins.
he presses them to derek, though they don't do much between the blood and the steaming coffee. elle wipes her eyes, still chuckling, as the door to hotch's office opens.
they all look over as he walks a step out, stops, assesses the situation, and then turns around and walks back in, closing the door behind him.
iii. taking shots (and other things)
"we can be responsible adults and still take shots." derek argues uselessly, ordering a round of shots, and emily gives him a look.
"morgan, when have you ever been a responsible adult in your life?"
"i can be responsible!" he protests, and jj laughs.
"your search history says otherwise." spencer says, and he whips around to look at him.
"how do you know what's in my search history?" but spencer just grins without revealing anything.
emily leans over and drops her voice, whispering, in russian, "you're gonna slip me the password for that later, right?"
"obviously," he replies back, still in russian, and derek narrows his eyes at them.
"hey, no conversing in languages i don't know, it's not fair."
the bartender comes back over with four shots of - disgustingly - vodka and slides one to each of them. morgan takes one and gestures it with a grin to them.
"besides, i'm paying." he says, lifting the glass to his lips and downing it with a grimace.
"oh, well in that case," emily says, doing the same.
derek turns to spencer expectantly, raising an eyebrow, and it takes him a moment to realize what he wants. when he does, he let's out an awkward chuckle.
"uh, no, i'll pass."
"aw, come on, pretty boy, live a little, let loose. when's the last time you drank? it's not like it'll kill you."
"it might." emily mutters and spencer shoots her a look.
"i'm fine. besides, if i do, who'll be designated driver?"
"i will," jj volunteers, all too readily, "i'm not sure i want to go home to a colicky baby drunk."
"haha," derek says, poking fun at spencer, "now you don't have an excuse."
spencer grimaces, but concedes with a sigh. it was true that he hadn't had alcohol in awhile - while the others got drunk and goofed off, he usually just watched with equal parts mild embarrassment and amusement and took the role of designated driver. after everything with hankle and the dialudid, he just didn't want to risk it.
that didn't stop him from taking the glass and swallowing it down now, though, ignoring the burning that follows.
fuck it, why not.
"wow." emily says as jj laughs, "that was quick." and he shrugs.
derek orders another round and the night bleeds together as hours pass in a blur. morgan keeps ordering and jj laughing and emily keeps up the commentary as spencer keeps up the shots.
for every one derek drinks, spencer follows it with two - one for him, and one ordered for jj that'll end up a waste of money if someone doesn't take it.
"no, seriously," derek is saying, "i didn't know you could drink like that."
spencer shrugs again, then grins, "guess there's a lot you don't know about me."
jj raises her eyebrows, glancing over but not saying anything and emily gives him a once over.
"that," she says, "i can believe."
"really?" derek demands in disbelief.
"yeah," he says, as the bartender slides over four more glasses, "like my tattoos."
"you're what?" he asks and spencer grins, taking another shot.
iv. cherry stem knotting (not in the kinky way)
emily doesn't even like cherries. they're too redish purple and too sweet and - she can almost tolerate the ones that come in the big plastic bags like grapes, the ones with the stems still on them and the pits in the middle, but they're still just gross. and the maraschino cherries are worse - they don't even taste like cherries.
penelope, unsurprisingly, loves them. if emily had a nickel everytime she caught penelope with a bag of cherries, she'd be retired. (well. no, she wouldn't, who is she trying to kid - but that's besides the point.)
the point is, she's got them out now, the ones emily almost-not-really tolerates, and her and luke are having a cherry pit spitting competition. there are cups lined up at the end of his desk, and they're taking turns popping the fruit in their mouths, chewing the red-purple off and then spitting the seeds across the room into the cup.
it's a little disgusting, albeit amusing.
luke spits out another seed and emily watches as he misses ungracefully. penelope cheers, taunting him as he aggressively sticks his tongue out at her.
emily glances up as spencer reaches over and grabs a handful for himself - offering one to emily who politely declines with a wrinkled nose.
"what happens when one of you hits somebody with a pit?" spencer asks, popping a cherry into his mouth - stem and all. emily stares at him, opening her mouth to what the fuck him, but luke and penelope interrupt her.
"we won't," they both say at the same time, then grin at each other, grabbing more cherries.
spencer leads forward and spits his pit and stem out into the cup on luke's desk, and emily raises both her eyebrows at him.
"impressive."
penelope and lule glance over, curiosity lining their faces as they glance at the stem he spit out.
"wow. didn't know you had such... skill." penelope says, as she examines the knotted stem.
emily snorts at what she's implying and luke chuckles, "yeah, really. it's very impressive. bet it comes in handy."
he winks and - honestly, the whole situation is hilariously awkward, if only because they're making it that way.
it takes spencer a little too long to catch onto what they're implying, and when he does, his face flushes so bad, emily considers the possibility of him being a toilet.
"that's not - no, i just -,"
"not in the kinky way?" luke unhelpfully supplies, teasing him, and he glares at him, still red.
"you think you're funnier than you are. i hope you lose."
"no chance," he says, eating another cherry and spitting the reamins into the cup.
emily gives in and leans over, grabbing a cherry and putting in her mouth, grimacing at the taste. she spits out the seed a second later and then knots the stem - softens it, holds it in her teeth, and pushes it through - and repeats.
spencer nods at her and she nods back in a weird, comical sort of solidarity as luke looks back.
"you can both do it?" he asks, "you gotta teach me."
"maybe you don't deserve to know." mutters penelope, and he mocks her. emily shrugs.
"or," she says, popping another one in her mouth and spitting the tied cherry stem out, "it's a gay thing."
spencer snorts.
v. singing
jj wonders when she will stop letting spencer surprise her. she's already figured out that he can do more surprisingly odd things then she would've expected - throughout the years, she's caught on pretty quickly that there's more to him than meets the eye.
still, that doesn't stop her now, as she drops her keys in the bowl next to the door and the bags she has at her feet and calls "i'm here."
after a night out with penelope that was way more emotionally taxing then should be allowed, she ends up home with several bags of candles and toys and books - little things for her, will, henry, and michael.
since will and henry were in new orleans on an expected visit to will's sister, who was in town, spencer had ended up watching michael for a couple of hours while penelope took jj to dinner "as a treat".
she's met with the silence of an empty house and she frowns, locking the front door and shutting the blinds in the living room as she makes her way to the other side of the room to the hall.
she pauses, smiling softly at the constellation orion that has decided to make an appearance tonight - it had been her sister's favorite constellation, back when the only thing that mattered was who got the last of the milk for their cereal.
"hello?" she calls, finally pulling the string and closing the last blind, and walks down the hall to the nursery room - or michael's room, since he's nearly three now, it's hardly a nursery - when there's still no answer.
when she gets the door, she hesitates - there's a soft sound coming from the inside, like someone humming or talking lowly.
she peers through the crack and closes one eye so she can better, and does her best to silence the gasp she feels want to escape at the sight in front of her.
spencer has michael's in his arm, and he's sitting in the rocking chair jj and will had bought years ago. they've had it since henry was a newborn, and the baby blue paint is chipping, and it creaks every so often, but neither of them could bear to part with it. she's glad for the introspective nostalgia now, because as she watches her best friend hold her son, rocking quietly, she feels an indescribably warm feeling spread through her chest.
jj has always appreciated the little moments. every member that has ever been apart of the team has been through too much - both on and off the job - and the last year has been the worst. between mexico and scratch and all the losses they've faced, sometimes it feels like they're team will never quite be whole again.
she hears the humming sound she couldn't identify a few moments ago, and she feels another overwhelming surge of emotion when she realizes spencer is singing. it's soft and so quiet, she almost misses it, but it's there. it's oddly soothing, listening to him, and she finds herself surprised at how nice his voice is.
she stands there for a little while longer, before she decides to go back into the living room. she ends up falling asleep on the couch and - well, if she wakes up in the morning with a picture she'd sent to garcia just before she'd dozed off and a video for what she'll claim is blackmail if found, but is really just to keep for herself from the night before, it's her own business.
"boys" emily & alex, canon - requested by lady_lunera
character(s): emily prentiss, alex blake, spencer reid, penelope garcia
tag(s): canon compliant, the bau acting like children
a/n: one day i will write the bau acting their age
emily rolls her eyes as derek puffs out his chest and challenges spencer to a duel.
she watches, with exasperation and thinly-veiled amusement as penelope sets up a round - including resetting the miniature scoreboard they've created and pulling up and stabilizing the plastic boundaries - and they both get ready.
they set their fingers on the little pieces of folded up triangle shaped papers emily hasn't seen since she was in middle school, at least. kids used to line them up in rows on the desks and see if they could either a. make them stick in the ceiling or b. hit the teacher with them. they got double points for doing the latter, though it never ended well.
"on your marks," penelope says and emily vaguely looks over to see alex watching with mildly piqued interest.
she wonders if alex would be able to calculate the distance and the velocity needed, etc., etc., if that was a general nerd thing or if since alex mostly had knowledge focused in english, it was different.
"get set,"
as terrible as emily knows this is going to end up, she's too morbidly fascinated to turn away. she actually leans forward a little bit, sends a quick prayer to whoever the hell that hotch doesn't walk out, and resists the urge to yell something so they accidentally false start and fail or jump and fail.
"go!"
derek and spencer's papers go flying and - while spencer's does actually make it in the goal, although barely, surprisingly - derek's flies over it and hits alex in the forehead, landing in her lap.
emily scoffs in disappointment and derek's miss as he mutters oops? and also because really? and alex meets her eyes with an eye roll.
rossi remembers what foyet had told them, back when they saw him as nothing more than another unfortunate, heartbroken victim.
i keep residences under different names. i move between them randomly. he likes to get you in a car, so i take the bus. believe me, i've gone through great lengths to make sure that none of the things you've just mentioned ever happen.
he wonders how far aaron's gone; if he's erased whoever he might've been before, completely blipped any trace of aaron hotchner out of existence. if he's burned clothes as evidence and left behind anything and everything from his past life. if the only thing he has to hold onto now is jack.
he hopes it's worth it, but its hard to believe it when there is no end in sight.
brownies (emily & derek) - 100 ways to say i love you
4. "try some"
emily holds out the pan, a mouthful of brownie in her mouth, oven knitt on and protecting her hand from the heat.
"try some." she says and derek raises an amused eyebrow as she laughs. "just one."
"yeah, right." he says, and she pushes it towards him.
"come in. they taste good."
"oh, i'll bet. they probably make you feel good, too."
she laughs again and sets them on the counter, taking a fork and scooping out a brownie. she hands it to derek who chuckles again and takes it. he knows the secret ingredient - he's not stupid. but, he figures, fuck it. he doesn't have work until monday.
"if this turns out to be a mistake, its your fault." he says and she laughs again.
umbrella (penelope/emily) - 100 ways to say i love you
3. "i brought you an umbrella"
emily squints up at the sky, sighing as she peers above and over the awning of the building. it's been pouring all morning and after a mishap with the sewage system, a baby, and her only umbrella this morning, she no longer has any way to shield herself.
she sighs again, making sure for the third time her bag is zipped all the way, and then braces herself for the dart back to her car - when there's a tap on her shoulder.
she twirls around, raising her eyebrows as penelope gives her a smile.
"i brought you an umbrella!" she half-shouts over the rain, and emily stares at the rainbow umbrella she holds out, dumbly.
"but what about you?" she asks, and penelope's smile widens.
"i have two!" she says, cheerfully, motioning to her opposite hand where she holds a bright pink hello kitty one, because of course she does.
emily continues to stare before she glances back up at penelope's still smiling face and nods, "okay. but i want the hello kitty one."
"deal!" she says, handing it to her. emily opens it, finally smiling back to her and penelope slips her arm through hers, "on we go."
seatbelt (spencer/derek) - 100 ways to say i love you
2. "put your seatbelt on"
"put your seatbelt on." derek says, glancing over at him critically, and spencer rolls his eyes, but complies.
"you know, for all of your nagging at me to wear these things, you're an awfully bad driver." spencer counters, tapping his finger once against the seat as his seatbelt clicks.
"oh, shut up." he mutters and spencer chuckles, "i do because i'm a bad driver."
i want you to be safe, i don't want you getting hurt, he doesn't say, but the corners of spencer's eyes soften, so maybe he knows.
"be a better driver," is what he counters with, and derek rolls his eyes, copying him in a bad impression under his breath.
IT'S COLD HERE - DRABBLE | inspired by: the concept of a ghost house - a semific i've got in the drafts (in which, derek finds a haunted house and spencer is a ghost)
"you must be incredibly lonely." derek says and spencer shrugs.
"i suppose it's not any lonelier than when i was alive."
derek is fourteen years old and his legs are sore and his arms are bruised and he thinks he understands this sad, lonely ghost better than anyone.
"will you tell me about it?" he asks, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his head on his knees. spencer never says no to him.
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