gutz

thoughts from the crypt 🪦 twenty, MDNI | read pinned post

[spillurgutzzz]

introducing: GUTZ ─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ───

hi. you can call me gutz. i’ve made an intro before, but i’d like to make a more in depth one.

i’m not new to what i’ll call the “not-so-mentally-sound” space of tumblr, i.e. $hblr, bpdblr, you get the idea. if the name’s too insensitive, i’ll change it, but i’ll leave that up to the internet to decide. i mean it in no such way to be insensitive, but again, that’s the internet’s decision, aka, you folks.

so, like i’ve said, i’m not new to this side of the internet, been here on and off forrrr… a good two or more years, this account being my most recent one after having left it abandoned for gods knows how long. before then, i’d just had sideblogs.

a few things i should put out first and foremost (despite this being the third paragraph) about myself are:

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ i’m twenty

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ i’m a trans guy (he/it/they)

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ i’m pansexual and polyamorous (not partnered)

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ i have dx borderline personality disorder (18) and dx major depressive disorder (12)

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ i’m eclectic pagan with more norse and luciferian beliefs (more new to luciferian, but i was previously a theistic satanist)

now, i’m going to ask this once: minors, do not interact. any interaction from y’all will be hard blocked. i don’t say this to be mean, this is just my personal boundary—i’m not comfortable interacting with or being interacted with by anyone under the age of eighteen. even if i come across an account and see they’re a minor, or don’t have an age in their bio, i block them, because it’s for my personal comfortability. i don’t think i needed to explain this, but i’d rather be blunt.

other people i don’t want interacting with me are racists, nazis, fascists, zionists, antisemetics, trumpies, maga fucks, transmeds, ableists, and generally shitty people. and, for people trying to recover or are in recovery, i don’t recommend interacting. anti-recovery can’t interact, either. i’m trying to recover, this is just a blog that i can lay out my thoughts and hopefully find connection with other people who are like me.

the people who can interact, though, are people who aren’t in recovery, and like i said before, if you’re in recovery it’s best if you don’t interact, but i won’t block you. lgbtqia+, people of color, pro-palestinian, pro-abortion, pro-choice, people of any cluster of personality disorder, and just anyone who is mentally or physically ill, y’all can interact.

i have other accounts, too, that i’ll list down below:

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ @doggwhoore, my n$fw sideblog

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ @pr3ttynd34d, my spam account

࣪ ִֶָ☾.݁ᛪ༙ @s1ck4n1m4l, my $h and g0r3 blog

i’m also on twitter: @spillurgutz420

(edit: 2-13-26) i’m finally making tags, so here they are:

original post: #gutz.txt🪦

reblog: #gutz.rblg🪦

in gen: #gutz🪦

anons: #gutz.anons🪦

memes: #gutz.meme🪦

rants: #gutz.rants🪦

my asks are open, my dm’s are also open. i’d like to make friends here, so please don’t be scared to talk to me. i know my tone here might be a bit harsh, i apologize for that, i was depressed as fuck writing the first entire half of this post, i’m a littleeee okay now, maybe it’s just because i’m stoned.

anyway, goodbye.

edit (2-23-26): was doggasm, name change ‘cause i want to

─── ⋆⋅ ♰ ⋅⋆ ─── fin; GUTZ

[maneatered]

"I can handle your disorders," says the fucking clown who's about to complain when I act like my disorders.

[spillurgutzzz]

i haven’t slept at all but i’m going to my friend’s house to do laundry today so it’s no sleep for me

[s1ck-pup]

[spillurgutzzz]

forming real relationships is so weird because sure, i’ll talk to people, it can be nice sometimes, but if i can’t find common ground or be able to relate to them, either via similar trauma or even shared interests, then that relationship is only surface level unless i’m able to get something out of them, (not anything like, bad-bad, i’m very self aware of my behaviors, i have been for a while, but shit like if i need a ride, i’ll give them incentives like offering to pay for gas, or if i need a new vape, they’re my way of getting it. with one of my stepmother’s exes, even though i hated her guts, she was an absolute cunt, if i tried hard enough i could get her to buy me things or give me money; again, with incentives, because i do not want to be in anyone’s debt, both because i don’t want to owe anyone anything, and i didn’t want to feel obligated to her. not to mention if i did do something for her, offering incentives or not, i knew i could get her to do something for me because i could remind her of that thing i did for her).

it’s just strange ‘cause i know i wasn’t like that as a child, y’know, before my mother got lost in alcohol and chose not to resolve her own trauma, and took everything out on me both emotionally and physically since i was like, nine (there is a memory i have though from when i was eight when i accidentally ruined her relationship with her ex—not my stepmother, a different woman—and she yelled at me and told me it was my fault, that her ex hated my guts, etc.), and i don’t remember a good portion of my childhood, adolescence, even my teenage years, i only remember the bad, so i’m not even sure how long i’ve been like this, i just know i haven’t formed an actual deep connection with someone, someone i can actually feel completely open and safe with a majority of “darker” shit (i sound like an edgelord, like ‘you wouldn’t be able to understand my twisted mind, haha’, but it’s nothing like that) that i’ve gone through. like i think the only person in my life currently that i consider family to me knows about a lot of shit i’ve gone through, hell they even met my mother before she, y’know, died, and i called them the night i planned to kill myself and they stayed on the phone with me until their battery died, but i don’t really feel that way with anyone else, not even my friend who i’ve known for ten years.

like no one in my family knows i’ve struggled with homicidal thoughts—not even my ex knew (mainly because they were a bit older than me when we started dating and i wanted them to think i was stable and mature even though i was eighteen at the time and they were twenty five)—because i just can’t trust them, even though they’ve been in my life for twelve years. (aside from i think my stepbrother, ‘cause i was close with him for a loooong time, like we’ve told each other shit that we’re taking to the grave). i don’t even go to them when i’m having breakdowns, i keep that shit to myself, because i hate when people feel sorry for me, and i hate when people tell me that ‘other people have it worse’ or ‘i’m overreacting’ or ‘you’re only twenty, you’ll get over it’, etc etc. and i know for a fact that they’d look at me differently if i actually opened up, and i hate that shit, too.

it just sucks. like i’m generally misanthropic, especially towards people that rub me the wrong way or irritate the living hell out of me, but otherwise i can tolerate people or sort of like them until they do something that flips a switch and makes me feel otherwise. but sometimes i wish i could feel a genuine connection with someone, someone i can wholeheartedly trust with every thought and feeling i have, but at the same time that scares the fuck out of me, because i know they could leave the second it becomes really intense, the second i put my guard down, the second i choose to share myself with them. i hate it. i really do. i think that’s why i haven’t been in a romantic relationship for almost a year after my ex broke up with me, because even though i hid a lot of the shit i was going through all to seem like i was as stable as them (they also have bpd), to seem like i was as mature as they were, i did love them. i was ready to pick up my entire life and move to a different state for them, to leave my family and two close friends behind, even though i also saw it as my way to get out of the house i grew up in since 2016, i didn’t know myself without them, my entire world was them. they were my center, and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to feel that way with anyone ever again.

i don’t know if i ever want to feel that way again. it sucked, having this one person be my entire world, because i was willing to abandon myself if it meant being with them. and that is more terrifying than being alone.

[a-hospital--for-souls]

"Suicide is selfish!" - stfu! Do you know what's selfish? Forcing someone to stay alive for others because other people don't want to deal with a loss.

[spillurgutzzz]

only reason i’m still here is because of my cat and one or two people i consider close friends. my family would be fine, i think.

[spillurgutzzz]

has anyone else been told by your parent that you were the devil when you were a child or was that just me

[spillurgutzzz]

don’t ask me about my problems because i will avoid talking about them

[spillurgutzzz]

working in customer service has made me realize people are really fucking stupid

[spillurgutzzz]

remembering the time i was talking to a guy who seemed pretty normal at first until he came over and started spouting egoist, hyperspiritual, nihilistic shit, saying “i am i” isn’t ego, but “i am me” is, tried manipulating me when he started irritating the fuck out of me when i could barely get a word in or talk about something i wanted to talk about, and when i decided i wasn’t gonna stick with the plan i had for that day, he tried guilting me by leaving.

[spillurgutzzz]

everyone worries about someone who’s suicidal but calls someone a monster when they’re homicidal

[s1ck-pup]

[spillurgutzzz]

sometimes i miss the unstable, chaotic life i had as a child so much that i want to recreate it

[antisocialcrow]

"Stalking?" God forbid I'm detail-oriented and curious by nature.

[spillurgutzzz]

god forbid i want to know all about you to see what i’m getting into before anything happens

[spillurgutzzz]

being single has made me realize i really don’t need to be in a romantic relationship. i’m perfectly content by myself because i don’t have an obligation to anyone but me.

[sinningfemme]

sorry for acting gross perverted obsessed & deranged. it’s cause i am gross perverted obsessed & deranged

[spillurgutzzz]

trying to figure out if you have traits of another disorder and if you have a comorbidity or just the traits is so weird. ‘cause i think i might (take it with a grain of salt, i don’t like to selfdx but i’m not in therapy anymore sooo fml) have traits of aspd but it’s genuinely so fucking hard to research aspd because of just how much misinformation and stigmatization surrounds the disorder. and i don’t remember a majority of my childhood so i wouldn’t be able to pinpoint specific behaviors ‘cause i just don’t fucking remember (thanks mom). or maybe i’m reading into it too much. who knows.