Forgive me for unloading in your asks, but your post on KDJ's suicidality finally gave me the words for something I've been thinking about for years.
The cruelest trick KDJ plays on the audience with his unreliable narration is to pretend his suicidal ideation is the same goal-driven fantastical kind as YJH. It starts from the very beginning of the story -- he lets YJH throw him off the bridge because his knowledge of the story will let him survive, and give him an advantage for the next scenario.
Even as his knowledge gets thinner and thinner, his plans becoming more and more tenuous, the illusion remains. It's all for the company, it's all to get through to the next scenario. Of course it's not permanent. Of course there's a plan, there's always a plan.
I admit, the first time I read ORV I got completely fooled, and it meant that I really had trouble empathizing with KDJs companions being so hurt by his self-sacrificing nature -- just like KDJ does. This meant that KDJ meeting the oldest dream was absolutely devastating, because it's the moment that the illusion finally, truly crumbles. There's no more tricks, no way out, no pretense of a plan. He really thinks he has to die. And in that moment, I was horrified right along with his companions.
Idk just a really neat way ORV uses its unreliable narration to put the reader in KDJ's headspace.
nothing to be forgiven! i love getting asks and i love this one in particular. i absolutely agree that kim dokja's suicidality masquerades as something much closer to yoo joonghyuk's, pretending to be simply the most practical option because after all, he can come back. its a justification that in itself betrays a complete lack of care for oneself that kim dokja (and subsequently the reader) glosses over. its true that his plans save the most lives, its true that they are often most practical, a truth which hides exactly why sacrifice is always his first instinct and makes his companions anger difficult to understand - it works after all, doesn't it? aren't they being a little unreasonable, considering that?
it is such an interesting part of his unreliable narration because when we first meet him he already gives us the clues to see his suicidal ideation for what it is - he sees himself as someone with no worth and no prospects who subsists solely off of reading a shitty webnovel, basically telling the reader to our face that he doesn't care for his life. but he acts as if that self-hatred and the resulting suicidal ideation is completely unrelated to his self sacrifice. its just always the best option, and we as readers believe him! its not until his justifications become thinner and thinner and his plans become more and more reckless that a direct cause and effect becomes apparent, and yet the narration still often brushes it off.
you're right that part of why the oldest dream is such a shock because its when the justification is at its strongest and weakest. if kim dokja/oldest dream dies here, everyones struggle will be over, its what theyve all been working for, it seems like the most reasonable plan. to make everyone continue to suffer just for him - how could that be any sort of fair? how is that an option? but he barely bothers to put up that facade, because his self-hatred is so strong it makes his justifications pale in comparison. he cant pretend this is anything but an attempt to finally kill himself permanently when his loathing for oldest dream is practically dripping off the page. especially not when, like you said, theres no resurrection plan. just a cold desire to die.
its just another way orv pulls the wool over its reader's eyes. kim dokja's self-hatred colours the narration until any attempt to save himself seems.....irrational. not worth it. really, this is the only way. which is also why seeing the companions fight for him when the pov switches in the last few chapters hits so hard! because you see from a perspective where that was never true at all........
