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A small continuation of @hauntedwitch04 's fic
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did u know abt 25% of ppl diagnosed w autism will also experience seizures at some point in their life anyway what do we think abt shane appearing to zone out for just a second too long or one too many times in a day and ilya decides he’s gonna bring it up with shane after their game tonight bc he’s getting really worried but doesn’t want to stress shane out before they play the las vegas sex offenders but unfortunately shane gets marleau 2.0’d bc he has an absence seizure on the ice and just slams into whatever he’s skating toward and ilya has to relive one of the most terrifying moments of his life believing he could have prevented it
baby shane stopped having his after-hockey juice box when the juice company changed the photo of the apple on the front from an apple with a smiley face to just a plain apple
baby shane: mommy they took mr apple away :(
David started to make home made apple juice for baby Shane instead and he made drawings himself to paste as stickers on Shane´s special "thermoflask". One day David´s mr. happy apple was surfing, another day mr. happy apple had sunglasses on, another day mr. happy apple was with a puppy, and baby Shane lost his mind when mr. happy apple was wearing a hockey uniform and holding a stick. "Mommy look I´m mr. happy apple :D"
timbits shane with mama and papa
anyway i do think shane experiences his first depressive episode after the honeymoon. everything just sort of settles in him, the weight of it all and the voyageurs and the decade-long relationships he's lost, the fact that people are burning his jersey outside the arena, the loss of privacy and choice and agency. and suddenly he's just so heavy, and he can't eat and he can't sleep but at the same time he's not getting out of bed. he shakes like a leaf and has nightmares and doesn't even want to open the curtains because the light, he says, gives him a headache.
ilya is so fucking worried about him, because he still doesn't quite believe that depression can get anyone. in his mind, he's lazy and lacks self control and deserves the ugly, awful feelings that pin him to the mattress every other month. but shane is discipline personified, so structured and controlled that the fact he hasn't gotten out of bed for three days is enough to have ilya calling his parents and the team doctor and rose.
and then he crawls into bed with him at the end of the fourth day and kisses his shoulder and says please, sweetheart, why are you crying, what's wrong? what can I do? and for a second he thinks maybe, because shane rolls over to face him, cheeks all splotchy and eyes swollen and he looks so fucking sad, but at least he's looking at him.
but then shane says "I think you've made a really huge mistake," and Ilya's stomach drops through the fucking floor, because-- what? what mistake, what is he talking about?
shanes face crumples and he's sobbing again, words spilling out about how I've ruined your life, Ilya, you can never go home, you're tied to me now and I'm clearly fucking cursed or something, your career, everything, and soon you're gonna realise that and I don't know if I can take it, I've lost so much already, Ilya, they just threw me away. they were so happy that I was leaving. I built that fucking team.
and ilya doesn't interrupt, because he's never seen shane like this, and clearly he needs to get it off his chest. but he does pull him as close as possible and squeeze him and kiss his head and say it's okay, sweetheart, you could never ruin me, they did not deserve you, I love you, I love you, it'll be okay, you can cry, sweetheart, it's so much and you are so strong until his breaths even out and the sobbing subsides
and shane finally gets a full night of sleep, tucked up in his husband's arms, with promises that tomorrow they'll speak to terry together, and that things will be okay
my take on #shanesinevitablecrashout is that cliff sees it coming first. he’s very used to reading ilyas moods like the weather. shane is not nearly as volatile, but the symptoms of a storm look the same regardless of the locale. denser air pressure. dark clouds. distant thunder and lightning.
he puts shane in the car. grabs a black carry case from the house. drives somewhere shane has never been before. arrives (to shanes horror) at a shooting range. they go inside, black carry case in hand. they rent a lane. don yellow safety glasses and protective headphones.
cliff calmly opens the case, withdraws a matte black .45 caliber pistol with his initials engraved on the grip in gold. loads the full clip and hands the gun to shane. stands behind him, hands over his own, as he demonstrates how to use it. where the safety is. how to pull back the hammer. how to grip it just so and not lose it like a fish when it kicks.
then he reels in the target from the end of the lane. pulls the generic silhouette with crosshairs over the head and chest off the mount and pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket and hangs it up in its place. he sends the paper back down to the end of the lane. helps shane set his stance, adjust his grip, line up his shot.
“now take everything you feel in here,” he taps shane’s temple, then his chest, “put it in here,” taps the barrel of the gun, “and send it down there.” points down the lane to his improvised target.
shane inhales. holds it. exhales. pulls the trigger nine times in a row.
the center of the printed out montreal metros logo at the end of the lane is absolutely obliterated.
turns out shane hollander can shoot more than just pucks.
This fandom is obsessed with only bringing up Shane’s race as a negative and how it’s a barrier in his life only and the struggles he’d have because of his race. I’d like to present a fun head canon instead that isn’t just misery because a lot of us are actually grateful we’re not white. I’m a South Asian American and we have big ass family friend networks. I have family friends across the US and Canada. My mom’s friends will always be down to host me, feed me, or take me out to dinner. It would be cute if Yuna had a similar network of Japense-Canadian or American friends. Shane has aunties in most major cities he travels to. They’ll try to go to games to support Yuna’s son. He’d rather ditch the bar or club with his teammates to get a nice home cooked meal. He’s also that perfect Asian cousin who you’re always compared to. Shane’s so talented, rich, disciplined, well mannered, and handsome. Their moms always go “you’ll never be as successful as Shane Hollander if you don’t practice the piano.” “Shane Hollander listens to his mom and see how rich he is.” They think they catch a break when he comes out as gay but no, “why are you dating such a loser? go find a good and successful husband like Shane Hollander did. He’s with Ilya Rozanov!”
I think even more then Ilya taking pills being a scary thing to him (which he has to put a lot of work into feeling normal about with Galina), it’s when Ilya sees Shane taking pills that things can get particularly tough.
Today in another episode of Ilya Could Not Survive Any Situation Where His and Shane’s Roles Were Reversed
Shane asks Ilya to look in his notes app for something he saved in there, maybe while he’s cooking or just doing something that takes two hands. Most are pretty normal; Pike kid birthdays, addresses, work out ideas, gift ideas. But then he pauses at one labeled In Case.
Surely it’s nothing interesting, Shane likes to be prepared for things, but Ilya can’t stop himself from clicking. He reads the first few words, realizes what it is, and can’t breathe.
Shane comes over to check what’s wrong and goes “Oh yeah, well, after what happened with you and the plane I got thinking, and I doubt if anything happened that I’d be able to think of something in the moment, so I wanted to have something ready to send in an emergency if I needed it.” For Shane it’s no big deal, the same as putting together a will or making Ilya his life insurance beneficiary. He just wants to be sure if anything happens, he’s got something ready for Ilya.
But Ilya is spiraling because he is actively looking at his husbands last words, or at least what he plans them to be. It’s like a prophecy in a Greek tragedy, knowledge of the future that can’t be changed. If he ever checks his phone and sees a message with these words, it means Shane is either dead or in danger of imminently dying.
For a long time after this, if Ilya gets a text from Shane and the little message preview has words similar to what Shane had in the note, he will have a panic attack on the spot. If Shane even starts a sentence in a way that sounds like it, Ilya will begin hyperventilating. Shane promises to rewrite it and not tell him what it says and that helps a little, but it’s still years before Ilya isn’t haunted by the knowledge of what Shane’s goodbye message would be to him.
The game Ilya plays after Shane’s head injury is against Dallas Kent’s team, and Kent decides to make what he thinks is a relatively mild chirp as the teams warm up.
“Rozanov, you must be pissed that KGB hit you put out on Hollander didn’t work out, huh? So hard to find good help these days.”
Ilya ignores him until he keeps going.
“Cheer up, you might still get out of second place, sometimes people take weeks to drop from a good knock to the head. There one second then whoops, gone the next. Or they go crazy and-“ He makes a gun shape with his hand and points it at his head, making a fake gun shot sound and laughing.
Ilya doesn’t make it to actually playing the game, he grabs Kent and beats him until it takes four guys to drag Ilya off of him and he’s benched the rest of the game.
Kent doesn’t speak or make eye contact with any Raiders the rest of the game. Marly gets in trouble for being the one standing closest when the fight started but not doing anything to stop it, and he refuses to tell anyone what Kent said to set Ilya off. He just says he owed it to Ilya to let him have that fight.
Thinking about that one-shot where ilya is in Russia when Hayden’s fan mail gets released so Shane lies and publicly announces that he had a huge crush on his very straight arch-rival and so he challenged Ilya to kiss him and people all believe shane is a perv and ilya is let go
but now imagine a 60K fic where ilya is actually arrested and they try everything but there’s no way to get him out so Shane publicly lies and the trial goes on for months so that means the entire world thinks shane is gay and a perv and basically sexually assaulted ilya
montreal being the assholes they are use it as an excuse to get rid of their only gay player and no one can even call them out on it
Centaurs are angry af at shane for coming on to Ilya and putting him in danger
The internet is going insane and cancelling shane
The lawyers tell Ilya to shut up and not blow their story
Shane has no regrets if it means ilya comes back to him safe
Imagine 60K of angst where shane is upset and humiliated but determined and ilya is losing his mind in prison over what this must be doing to shane
Yuna, David, Hayden and Farah having to shoulder the weight of their association with shane because everyone hates him now
Shane only has one regret that homophobes are going to use this as an excuse to be even more homophobic but he’s doesn’t care about anything but ilya rn so that’s a problem for another day
ilya is finally released after a Russian judge believes the story that ilya was almost ‘corrupted’ by a gay western man and lets him go
Ilya lands in Ottawa and first thing he does is kiss shane infront of the whole world and internet promptly explodes again…
Shane was the type of high schooler that would ask the teacher if he could do the group project all by himself.
After writing about the fandom putting their feelings in wrong characters. I wanted to write about how Ilya should see everything that Shane was scared happened to his boyfriend. I understand why ilya was struggling to understand that Shane didn’t want to come out. How it was multiplied with his depression and affected his self esteem. In the moment he was in lowest point but I feel Shane’s lowest point came after the Fan mail and the “tripping” so I want no I need to see Ilya seeing shane crushing out. Because in Ilya’s mind Shane was living the dream which from his perspective that makes sense. Shane had everything that Ilya didn’t. A family, best friend who knows about them, a strong team. However Shane’s anxieties being his worse enemy he is already going through what if scenarios in his beautiful mind. It is like bad prophecy. Btw everything that he was scared of happened to him. So I need Ilya to see this. Because they need it this talk maybe confrontation. Resentment is the worst enemy of a relationship and I feel it’s creeping its way to theirs
There is a kid out there who did every single one of his school essays and projects and short stories and friendly introductions at the beginning of the year about Shane Hollander. He did his book reports on the books Shane recommended in interviews. He saved his money to buy that stupid cologne Shane advertised. He got a puck from Shane once at warm ups and he slept with it in his bed for three weeks. He writes his moms name on his stick tape because Shane did it first. He watches the Olympics in awe. He gets into fights with kids at school about whose a better hockey player and its Shane all the way, no matter what the other kids told him or what their moms and dads said. Shane is the best.
And this kid did not have a lot of friends. His teachers thought he wasn't very smart because he made everything about hockey. And they dismissed him when he struggled with math and reading. "if you could just put some of your hockey energy into school, then maybe you would get better." His classmates laughed at the hockey themed valentines day cards him and his mom had to hand make because nowhere was selling hockey themed valentines day cards. And they laugh at him when he repeats the same thing over and over about "getting pucks deep, pucks deep, pucks deep." When he would play all by himself on the yard pretending he was skating, picking up any big stick he could find on the ground, they'd push him around. "Can we play? We'll be defenders" and ram him and take his stick. And he'd just go through all the penalties they would have just gotten over and over again until he can calm down. He celebrated every birthday at the ice rink in his full hockey gear even though he didn't really have classmates showing up. Not for lack of invite.
And his parents try to steer him away from it. They try and watch new sports, they try and get him to watch kids shows, get into things kids his age like, but all he wants to do is watch reruns of the metros cup wins. Wants to wear his hat backwards with his black shirt because that's how Shane looks in the interviews. Memorizes the answers he gives in french even though this kid never learned french in school. And its useless. This kid is hooked and they just kinda have to ride this wave.
So when the announcement comes for the Game Changers camp, these parents do absolutely everything to get him there. They don't care what it takes, this is like a light for all of them really in the midst of all the bullying at school and the meltdowns at home and the obsessive routines that fall apart if even one thing is out of place.
And they explain to the camp that their boy might have a hard time. Might need some time to adjust. That he struggles with math, and reading, and can get caught up in all the rules sometimes. Preemptively trying to say "he's not a bad kid. he's trying his best."
So at the end of the first day, his parents are prepared for a meltdown. Its new, its a lot of kids, the rink can get loud and cold, and he doesn't always do well with transitioning out of hockey. He's hard to pull off the ice at home.
And they can see some upset under the surface when they arrive. He clearly doesn't want to go home. Thats no surprise.
What is a surprise is the way Shane gets down on one knee next to where the boy is sitting upset on the ground. He doesn't move to touch him. He just gets down and the two of them softly have a chat. The boy is tugging on his hair and nodding at what Shane says. And eventually he stands and the parents walk over to them.
"You must be the parents. Its good to meet you," Shane says softly. "I was just going over some things about tomorrow. So that way he would know the schedule."
And they can see their son isn't quite happy, still clearly exhausted. He'll nap in the car and be grumpy at dinner. But he is much more regulated than they expected him to be.
"And, I was telling him about my schedule when I go home. About getting some quite time, making sure I can decompress. I think that's what all good hockey players need, right buddy?"
"Right buddy," he repeats.
And for all the understanding that seems to be there, his parents are just grateful that of all the things their kid could have a special interest in, its Shane Hollander.
Dear Mr. Shane Hollander,
Thank you for the card you sent for my birthday. It was very nice. I have never had a hockey birthday card before, even though I have looked. I hope your birthday in August is very “n-Ice” too. My parents say that you might be too busy to have the hockey camp this year. I thought they must be wrong, because you said to me routine is very important to being a good hockey player, and you are the best hockey player, and also you promised there would be a slot for me at camp next year and you have always kept your promises to me, like that you would remember my birthday and that it gets better when you have teammates and it has.
My parents explained that you have had a very hard year, and that you might need extra time to rest from that, and you have said that it's very important that hockey players rest after doing hard things.
Please do not worry about your promise if you have to close the hockey camp. I hope you get lots of rest after your hard year. My parents have also said that we have to be careful about what TV we watch about you because some people are saying things that are not nice and we shouldn't listen to them.
People have said a lot of things about me that are not nice. When this happens, what helps most is to get on the ice and skate with people who are nice like my parents and my teammates. You should make sure you take time to skate with your parents and with Ilya Rosanov.
It also helps to hear people say nice things about you, so I want to say some nice things about you. You are my favorite hockey player and your shot is really good and so is your backchecking. You are also Tanner and Marty's favorite hockey player, even though Marty isn't supposed to like Centaurs players because his family's team is Toronto.
I don't know if Ilya Rosanov is a good hockey player, but Evan is a Raiders fans and he says he's really good and a playmaker and also really funny and also could you please tell Ilya Rosanov that from him.
Thank you again for the birthday card. Do not worry about writing me back. I hope you feel better soon.
Best wishes, Sincerely, Your biggest fan, Jack
I need there to be a neurodivergent kid at the hockey camp and he doesn't interact with the other kids and eats snacks by himself and stares at the ground and it's also really important that he's super good at hockey and the most important part of all of this is that the only coach that connects with him is Shane.
(I use run on sentences when I'm excited)
The kid connects with Shane because he's the only coach not treating him like a child and acting silly. Shane just levels with him and fixes his technique without the fluff. They also just go on and on about historical hockey figures and statistics. Everyone else tunes them out during snack time because Shane and the kid won't shut up about some hockey player from 1963. Then on the last day when the kid's mom picks him up, she cries because her son doesn't wanna leave coach Hollander and hugs Shane and it's too much for her because her son has always struggled socially and hockey has always been his outlet.
And it's important to me that Ilya is besotted by all of this and that Shane tears up when Ilya tells him what the mother said.
made myself sad thinking about a post canon fic idea where it’s just all of ilya’s loneliness and depression slowly transferring to shane once they’re both in ottawa
bc this time ilya’s the one who’s part of a pre-established team dynamic. and shane’s the one who’s new. and he doesn’t just get to come in as shane hollander, new centaurs player, he has to come in as shane hollander, ilya’s husband and former montreal great, after leaving his previous team on horrible terms
and this time ilya’s the one with the support network (see the previously established team dynamic) and the therapist and the progress he’s made on recovering from some of the damage done to him by his family. and shane’s support network becomes increasingly stretched. yes he’s closer to his parents, but maybe that becomes smothering really quick, and he finds that relationship much harder than when they were separated a bit more. yes he’s got rose, but she’s busier these days and she assumes everything is perfect now he’s living with ilya properly and it Should be like that but it isn’t. yes he’s got hayden and jj, but he barely sees them now, and when he does they’re a constant reminder of how the metros treated him, and maybe having a bit of distance away from hayden (and some time to mull over how the consequences of the fanmail video played out) makes shane realise that hayden wasn’t ever as good of a friend to shane as shane was to him
and this time shane’s the one who’s just quietly suffering because everything he wanted has become real and it turns out it’s somehow worse than before and he can’t say that. not after the stuff ilya has been through. not after how much they’ve both sacrificed to have this. not after they’ve chosen this because they chose each other
and maybe for the first time ever in his life shane gets that first whisper of the stomach churning ‘shit. so it’s just this? forever? this is all it’s ever going to be until i die?’ pessimism that can wrap around a (relatively. don’t have time to unpack further) healthy brain and turn it into a sad depressed apathetic one in record time
And I think seeing how well the Centaurs treat Ilya makes it so much worse (which he hates about himself). Because it’s a direct contrast to how his team treated him- even before he was outed. And then he comes and joins the Centaurs and he doesn’t get the love and respect they give Ilya (because they don’t even know him). So then the issue isn’t being in a relationship with your rival. It’s him. And his parents joke that Ilya is their favorite son. And Boston is still friendly with Ilya when they see him. Nobody on the metros is friendly with Shane except Hayden and J.J. but even they keep their distance because they still have to deal with the metros. And Ilya is frustrated if Shane isn’t social/friendly enough with the team, because it brings up his own insecurities.
And all Shane can think is that he is the common denominator. He’s the problem. And as someone so desperate to control every part of his life, it kills him that there is no formula for getting love and respect. He can regulate his diet and spend hours longer on the ice than anyone else and map out every contingency and all it ever does is make people view him as even weirder. This is a problem he doesn’t know how to fix, because he doesn’t know what the problem is except that he’s him and that’s bad. He’s the best in the league and he’s with his husband and he has a family and a home and it fixes nothing. He’s finally the authentic self he hid for so long and the world hates him for it.
It’s hard to be anything but depressed when it feels like you’re the root cause of all your problems.
it’s easy to chalk all of shane’s reluctance to go public with ilya to montreal’s toxic environment but what makes it interesting as well is the hockey environment in general, to which dallas kent, and previously, troy, is the perpetrator of.
and he has a redemption arc, sure, but similar to that of ryan, shane’s experience of being hatecrimed for being half asian and the pressure he feels being gay in a violently homophobic environment doesn’t disappear because troy is now an activist against that toxicity. what he said and supported (even against his morals) still affected queer players.
and yes from our perspective we know troy is a good person, but like ryan didn’t have to forgive him, i think it would be interesting to see shane having his own reluctance for troy
