how am i supposed to live without you
word count: 6,644 || read on AO3
Buck deflates, body going slack as he leans back against his sofa. He read through the gossip articles earlier between calls, enough of them to prove the validity of the breaking news story, but hearing Eddie confirm it makes it real.
Eddie is embarking on a nationwide tour with one of the most popular singers in the world.
And he’s going to be leaving Buck behind to do so.
Or
In which Eddie goes away on tour and Buck has to adjust to living without him.
“Buck! How could you not tell us?”
Buck freezes, coffee mug halfway to his lips as his coworkers stare at him with varying degrees of emotions plastered on their faces. Hen’s excitement. Chim’s amusement. Bosko’s confusion. Bobby’s concern.
It’s the last expression that worries Buck the most.
“Tell you what?”
“About Eddie!”
Buck lowers his mug back onto the table and eyes the team suspiciously. They’ve brought Eddie up many times in the past, much to Buck’s chagrin.
Have you two gotten your heads out of your asses and started dating yet?
You two are awfully close.
How does it feel to be a co-parent?
How’s your boo doing?
It’s that line of questioning and teasing that makes Buck particularly apprehensive about whatever it is his friends are going to say to him about Eddie today. “What about him?”
Bosko rolls her eyes. “Quit playing dumb.”
Buck reels back, the words packing a hard punch. He doesn’t know what he’s done to draw Bosko’s ire, but it only deepens the rapidly growing pit in Buck’s stomach. It reminds him of how he felt all throughout high school at some prestigious place his parents forced him to attend. He was the only new kid and that, coupled with the weird birthmark on his face, made him an outcast right off the bat. His classmates would whisper things as he passed by and made it a point to talk about him when he wasn’t around, always sure to keep a tight leash on some secret about Buck that they never bothered to share with him.
Buck swallows back the acrid taste of inadequacy, hating that even after all these years, it can still make its way to the surface. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Bobby’s face does something complicated. Bosko shuffles uncomfortably. Chim and Hen both frown.
“I thought you knew,” Hen says in the same measured voice she uses when talking to a victim at one of the scenes they’re working. Buck has always marveled at how it can keep those they’re trying to save calm. He wishes it could have the same effect on him. “I wouldn’t have said anything otherwise.”
“Knew what?” Buck’s heart is racing, trying to piece together whatever pieces of the puzzle everyone else has already solved. He stands, ready to walk, run, fly, do something if that’s what he needs to do. What Eddie needs him to do. “Can someone please tell me what’s going on?”
For one terrifying moment, no one so much as moves a muscle or breathes. It’s as though they’re suspended in time, the brief pause right before the climax unfolds and leaves a mess in its wake.
It’s Hen who holds her phone out to Buck. He takes it and almost immediately wishes he hadn’t. His knees give out and he’s lucky that his chair is there to keep him from hitting the floor.
There on the bright screen is a face he knows too well under a headline he doesn’t know how to make sense of.
Unknown LA Artist Eddie Diaz Tapped as Opener for Priscilla King’s Highly Anticipated Stadium Tour
Buck is sitting alone in his apartment with a half-full beer in his hand when someone knocks on his door.
“Buck? You in there?”
Buck takes a hearty swig of his drink instead of responding.
“I saw your Jeep out front, you’ve gotta be in there.”
Buck should’ve parked around the corner.
“I’m coming in.”
The sound of a key being inserted and twisted in the doorknob is loud in the otherwise silent space. The noise is a temporary reprieve from the thoughts that have been swirling around in Buck’s mind since this morning.
Lights brighten the once dark apartment and Buck has to blink in rapid succession to adjust to the unexpected change.
“Is there any reason why you’re sitting alone in the dark?” Eddie questions, rounding the sofa and taking a seat beside Buck. Buck doesn’t say anything, doesn’t trust himself to. “Chris was really disappointed that you didn’t come by tonight.”
And that? Well, that’s not fair. Anyone with eyes knows that Chris is Buck’s weakness - he’d capture the moon and bring it back down to earth if Chris asked him to.
“I’ll apologize next time I see him.” Buck’s voice is gruff from disuse, and he hopes that’ll hide the undercurrent of hurt that wedges itself between each of his words.
He’s not sure how many more ‘next times’ he has with Chris. Or Eddie.
How does that saying go again? You never know what you have until it’s gone. In his defense, Buck always knew what he had - he just wasn’t expecting it to be ripped away from him. Not like this.
“Are you okay?”
Buck hates that question with every fiber of his being. If there was a way for him to eradicate it from the English language, he would. Has anyone ever answered that question honestly? He doubts it and he doesn’t intend to be the first to do so either. “Yeah.”
Eddie slides over on the sofa so that his shoulder brushes Buck’s. Usually, that small touch is enough to send sparks racing down Buck’s spine. Now it’s bittersweet, tainted by a ticking clock that is counting down the time Buck has left with Eddie.
“Buck.”
It’s not fair that Eddie can make Buck’s name sound so beautiful. Then again, Eddie has a tendency of making even the simplest things sound like a lovely melody. Buck used to, still does, love that about him. But he loves it a little less now that he knows it’s that same talent that’s going to take Eddie away from him.
“Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you found out?”
Beside him, Eddie inhales sharply. “Who told you?”
“The internet.”
Technically Hen did, but the internet is close enough to the truth.
“Fuck.” Eddie stands and Buck almost reaches out for him, but it’s not his place to do so. Even if he wishes it was. “I was planning to tell you tonight, but you never came by.”
Then, almost as an afterthought, Eddie adds, “I wanted to be the one to tell you.”
Buck deflates, body going slack as he leans back against his sofa. He read through the gossip articles earlier between calls, enough of them to prove the validity of the breaking news story, but hearing Eddie confirm it makes it real.
Eddie is embarking on a nationwide tour with one of the most popular singers in the world.
And he’s going to be leaving Buck behind to do so.
The only person Buck has to blame for being caught off guard by this is himself. He tricked himself into believing that maybe, just maybe, Eddie would be the one to stay. It was foolish logic compounded by wishful thinking and an imagination that’s constantly running wild.
Buck’s never been worth sticking around for in the past. Why would things be any different now?
This moment isn’t about him and his inability to find anyone who thinks he’s worth staying for though. It’s about Eddie and the fact that he’s finally achieving a dream that he’s been working towards for much longer than Buck’s known him. So, Buck shoves aside the steadily spreading ache in his chest and musters up the biggest smile that he can. He hopes it’s convincing.
“A tour with the Priscilla King? Eddie, that’s huge.”
“I know.” Eddie runs a hand through his hair, dislodging a couple of strands that end up hanging in his face. “I know. It’s insane. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Well it is and no one deserves it more than you.”
It’s something Buck believed when he first heard Eddie perform at a dive bar a couple of years ago and it’s what he still believes to this day.
“Thank you,” Eddie says, before taking a seat in front of Buck on the edge of his coffee table. “For coming to my small shows. For always cheering the loudest. For taking Chris on nights when I got last-minute gigs. For helping me record and post my covers. For telling me I could do this on the days that I was convinced I couldn’t.”
There’s a stinging at the back of Buck’s eyes but he opts to counteract that feeling by biting the corner of his lip. He can’t cry. He won’t.
Even if this feels like a goodbye.
“Your support saw me through this and got me to where I am today. So, although it doesn’t feel like just saying this is enough, thank you.”
Eddie takes Buck’s hand, the one that isn’t still holding onto his almost empty beer bottle and laces their fingers together. The air is forcibly dragged out of Buck’s lungs, and he’s convinced that he’ll never breathe easily again. Not with the knowledge that Eddie won’t be around anymore.
Buck thought they had more time. It’s why he never pushed this thing that they’ve got going on between them. The lingering touches. The sometimes-flirty banter. The need to constantly spend any free time together. He was convinced that one day, the two of them would figure it out. They’d get their shit together and stop toeing the line between being close friends and something more.
Maybe they would’ve. But Eddie is leaving, and Buck doesn’t know how to tell him that he’s taking Buck’s heart with him.
“Nothing’s going to change between us, right?” Eddie questions, his hand squeezing Buck’s tightly. Buck relishes in the added pressure, thoughts trailing off to an alternate world where Eddie wasn’t sitting here telling Buck he was leaving. Instead, he’d be asking Buck to come with him.
It’s unrealistic, Buck’s aware of that, but he can’t stop himself from thinking about it. In that version of his daydreams, Buck would’ve been a braver man and already told Eddie how he feels. Buck’s not brave though, not when it comes to love. He’s put himself out there too many times in the past only to end up burned.
It’s not like anything will change the fact that Eddie’s leaving anyways.
“Nothing’s going to change, Eddie. We won’t let it.”
Everything changes because of course it does.
In some ways, it happens all at once.
Everything in the Diaz household is packed up and either put into storage or shoved into the small nooks and crannies of Abuela’s house. Carla helps Eddie find an aide who can join him on tour and keep up with Chris’s needs. The school Chris was attending provides recommendations for a tutor who will make sure Chris stays on track for the last month of school before summer vacation.
In other ways, it’s a slow progression that somehow manages to do more damage to Buck’s heart than saying goodbye at the airport to two of his favorite people in the world did.
At first, Eddie makes it a point to FaceTime Buck every night, no matter what. He’ll let Chris catch up with Buck first before he takes the phone, letting their conversation stretch for as long as he can.
The FaceTime calls transition into sporadic phone calls because Eddie rarely has any free time and, when he does, he’s too exhausted to maintain a conversation. There are nights when he falls asleep five minutes into a phone call with Buck and Buck stays on the line because he might not have Eddie with him anymore, but at least he has this.
Then the phone calls become texts because there isn’t even time for Eddie to speak on the phone with Buck anymore.
Buck knew this was coming, but he still wasn’t ready. Not to open his thread of messages to Eddie and see far more blue messages than gray. To see the way he tries to maintain a conversation that Buck’s sure Eddie barely cares about having.
In summation, Eddie’s gone and Buck’s whole world is turned upside down. They swore nothing would change, but everything has and it’s Buck who’s left behind to pick up the shattered remains of his heart while the rest of the world falls ever more in love with Eddie Diaz.
‘I loved him first’ is what Buck wants to say.
He never does.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this to myself,” Buck slurs, wine glass in his hand almost empty.
It’s been a month and a half since Eddie left and Buck feels the loss every day. Even more so now that they aren’t in contact like they used to be.
“You shouldn’t have to,” Karen responds, words only barely clearer than Buck’s. Her wine glass has been abandoned on the coffee table alongside the two bottles of wine Buck brought along with him for this specific purpose.
He’s been sad, unendingly so and it was Karen who finally called him out on it during dinner at Bobby and Athena’s one night. She left him no choice but to agree to swing by during one of Hen’s overnight shifts so they could talk.
“I miss him.”
“I know, honey.” Karen reaches out and covers one of Buck’s hands with her own. Her touch is a comfort that grounds him in this moment in place of the thoughts of Eddie that constantly plague his mind. “I think it’s time that you do what’s best for you.”
“Eddie’s what’s best for me,” Buck confesses, the alcohol making his tongue much looser than ever before. He’s never said these words aloud to anyone before, not even to himself.
“Maybe he was,” Karen counters, suddenly much more sober than before. Or maybe she was never drunk to begin with, and it only seemed that way to Buck because of how much he’s had to drink. “But he’s not now and you deserve better.”
“I deserve better,” Buck parrots, rolling the words around in his mouth. He says them again just because he can. “I deserve better.”
Karen smiles, a lopsided thing that makes Buck smile too.
“You do. And I think that means distancing yourself from Eddie.”
Buck’s heart skips a beat. “But-”
“Eddie put that distance between the two of you first. I’m sure he didn’t mean to, but it happened and you’re paying the price because of it. Now I think it’s your turn to do the same.”
Buck doesn’t respond, opting to finish off the last of his wine. It burns a little on the way down, but the sting is nothing in comparison to swallowing back the truth behind Karen’s words.’’
Eddie (2:42am): hey! how are you?
Buck wakes up to the message a couple of days after his alcohol-induced confession to Karen. His first thought is to respond right away, heart ratcheting up at the sight of Eddie’s name in his notifications again. But then he sees all the messages that he’s sent to Eddie over the past few weeks, the ones that went unanswered, and he changes his mind.
“I deserve better,” he whispers, locking his phone and getting out of bed.
“Hey, Buck! I know it’s been a while since we last spoke, but I just wanted to drop in and see how things are going. How’s the station? Chim play any good pranks on you lately?”
Buck listens to the voicemail twice. He almost hits the “Call Back” button, but he can’t bring himself to do it. So he doesn’t.
Eddie (11:24pm): did you get my voicemail?
Buck stares at the text, a hint of gray in the otherwise blue landscape that makes up his text chain with Eddie. His fingers hover over his keyboard, trying to come up with something to say, when the alarm sounds. Buck, along with the rest of the 118, make their way to the truck for yet another call.
He puts his phone in his pocket and forgets all about responding.
“I just spoke to Chris, and he said you guys spoke last night? When I tried calling, you didn’t answer. Call me back when you get this?”
“Evan Buckley, now is not the time to be on your phone.”
Buck jolts, the reprimand made louder by the alcohol coursing through his system. “Just give me a second. I have to-”
“Oh no no no,” Karen tells him, coming by and plucking his phone right out of his hand. Her warm fingers circle around his wrist as she tugs him toward a dimly lit stage. “You and I are doing this duet. No chickening out now.”
Somewhere in the background, Buck hears Chim squawking, Hen yelling, and Bobby reminding Buck that he doesn’t have to give in to peer pressure.
It all steels his resolve.
“Let’s knock their socks off.”
Eddie (2:07am): i miss you
Buck, having put Eddie on ‘Do Not Disturb’, never sees the message.
“Buck! How could you not tell us?”
Hen, Chim, Bobby and Bosko surround him in the locker room, and it gives Buck the worst sense of déjà vu. It takes him a second to place the origin of this feeling but, when he does, it’s like someone ripped the rug right out from under Buck’s feet.
The last time this happened, Buck found out about Eddie leaving for tour. Although it’s a wound that has healed over time, it’s still a sore spot that he’d much rather not revisit.
“No.”
“No?” Chim sounds as perplexed as the rest of the team looks.
“No,” Buck confirms, lacing up his shoes before standing. Their shift is just starting and the last thing he needs is to be distracted when there are lives on the line.
Hen holds her phone out towards him, and he resists the urge to take it from her and toss it in the nearest garbage can. That phone has done enough damage in the past. He won’t let it do so in the present as well. “But-”
“No.”
“But it’s E-”
“No.”
The fourth ‘no’ must do the trick because the semi-circle they created around him gets broken up. Bosko is the first one to go, followed by Chim and then Hen.
Bobby lingers the longest and Buck is expecting him to say something, but the captain just squeezes Buck’s shoulder before following the rest of the team out of the room.
“Hi, Bucky!”
Buck smiles despite the all too familiar ache that comes with only being able to see a pixelated version of Christopher. It’s not the same as the real thing, but he reminds himself that it’s also better than nothing. “Hey, buddy! How are you doing today?”
Chris is bouncing in his seat, having far more energy than Buck would expect out of him at this time. “Good! Did you see the video of daddy?”
“What video?” Buck asks because the alternative is admitting that he has made it a point to avoid all things Eddie-related for his own well-being. That’s not a conversation he’d know how to go about navigating, especially not with Chris.
Chris stops moving, lips turning down in a frown that sends a wave of guilt crashing over Buck. He never wants to be the cause of his favorite person’s unhappiness.
“Daddy sang last night at the concert. When I saw Priscilla this morning, she said that it was everywhere.” Chris does that on occasion, namedrops Priscilla King as if she’s not the single most sought after star in the music industry right now. Buck is sure that it’s going to make Chris the envy of all of his classmates when he goes back to school. “I asked her if she thought you saw it and she said yes.”
Had the circumstances been different, Buck might’ve been awestruck over the fact that one of the most famous celebrities in the world is aware of his existence, all thanks to a nine-year-old.
“I’m sure it was great,” Buck says, wholeheartedly meaning it. He’s had firsthand experience with Eddie’s singing in the past. Him being chosen as the opener for Priscilla King’s tour was no fluke.
“You have to watch the video.”
Chris has only ever used that tone in the past during moments of urgency. Usually, Buck would have no choice but to buckle under the pressure of Chris’s gaze and do as he’s been told, but this is different. He can’t do it. Not after he’s finally gotten to a place where losing Eddie has transitioned from excruciating to painful but manageable.
It’s taken him time to get to this point and he can’t jeopardize that for anything or anyone. Chris included.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” Chris asks with a pout that Buck desperately wishes he could erase off of the young child’s face.
“I just can’t.”
“Is it because you can’t find it? I can ask Priscilla to send it to you if you want.” Chris’s innocence surrounding the situation somehow manages to make all of this worse. “You have to watch it. Daddy sang the song just for you.”
The blood in Buck’s veins runs cold. Of all the things Chris could’ve said, Buck can’t say that he was expecting that.
“You mean he sang a song for everyone.”
“If everything that Chris has told me about you is true, there was no way the song could be for anyone but you,” a female voice says from somewhere off-screen.
Chris looks towards a spot of the room Buck can’t see before grinning widely. Chris shifts the tablet and Buck tries to withhold a gasp and fails because, standing there in all her glory is Priscilla King.
“So you’re the famous Buck these Diaz boys can’t stop talking about,” Priscilla drawls, something akin to delight flickering in her brown eyes. “I can see what all the hype is about.”
“I-” Buck starts, words failing him in a way that they haven’t since he was a teenager. Living in LA has desensitized him to most celebrities, so much so that he usually scoffs at stories of people becoming starstruck when meeting someone famous. It seemed ludicrous to him that a random stranger could have that effect on another person, all because of their social status.
This must be karma coming back to bite him in the ass in the most devious way possible. It’s the only way to explain his inability to form a proper word, let alone a full sentence. He can’t do much more than open and close his mouth in the hopes that something coherent will magically slip past his lips.
“Bucky, are you okay?”
Priscilla laughs, a deep chuckle that is in stark contrast to the dulcet singing he’s used to hearing on the radio. “I think he’s a little surprised to be talking to me.”
“Why?” Chris asks, genuine confusion overtaking his features.
“This is why you’re one of my favorite people on this tour, Chris.” Priscilla ruffles Chris’s hair, making him giggle.
It’s the familiarity of the scene that breaks Buck through his temporary celebrity-induced haze. Without the shock coursing through him, he can get back to the topic at hand. The same one he is struggling to wrap his head around.
“Why do you both think that Eddie sang a song for me?”
“Just watch the video and you’ll know why. In fact,” Priscilla pauses to take her phone out of her pocket and begins tapping away on the screen, “my team recorded a better version of the performance than you’ll find on YouTube. If you give me your number, I can text it to you.”
“I know Bucky’s number!” Chris reaches for Priscilla’s phone with wiggling fingers, and she hands it over without a second thought. It takes him less than a minute to type in the ten digits that make up Buck’s number, something he learned to do because of Eddie’s insistence.
If, for whatever reason, I can’t get to you, Buck will.
Those words had rung in Buck’s head long after Eddie said them.
It’s the buzz of an incoming text message that brings Buck out of the memory. When he checks his phone, he has one new text from an unknown number and there’s a video attached to it.
Whatever look crosses his face, Priscilla must catch it because she says, “I know it’s scary, but take the leap. I promise it’ll be worth it.
It takes a few hours filled with a lot of pacing and false starts before Buck finally finds the courage to pull out his laptop and open the link that Priscilla sent him.
“I hope you guys don’t mind, but I’m going to do a different cover tonight,” Eddie announces, fingers lightly strumming his guitar. Incoherent screaming can be heard in the background and the hint of a smile graces Eddie’s features. The screaming only grows louder.
“I had someone back home.” Eddie’s fingers still and he looks out into the crowd, eyes searching as if he can conjure up this person from his thoughts alone. “And I messed it up. I let them slip right through my fingers even though I knew - I know that they’re everything I could ever want.”
Buck doesn’t move. Doesn’t blink. Doesn’t breathe.
He’s not a part of that crowd, but he’s as enraptured as everyone else is.
Eddie’s gaze drops down to the mic in front of him. He exhales deeply, the sound reverberating around the stadium. “So, if you’re out there, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for waiting so damn long and I’m sorry for pushing you away. If you’re listening, this is for you.”
Eddie strums his guitar, and people must know what he’s about to sing from those chords alone because there’s more screaming.
“I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today. I had to come and get it straight from you.”
The lyrics are vaguely familiar to Buck, but it’s Eddie’s voice that renders Buck awestruck. It has been so long since he heard Eddie sing that hearing it again now is like that first time he heard it in a bar over three years ago. He had never known that a voice could be so beautiful, that it could make him feel so much, until he met Eddie.
“They said you were leavin’, someone’s swept your heart away. From the look upon your face, I see it’s true.”
Music has always amazed Buck. Songwriters can take topics as complex as love and heartbreak and fitting them into a song that only lasts a few minutes. Then singers take those words and infuse them with seemingly endless emotions.
In this case, Eddie has found the perfect song to match the heartbreaking melody that has been playing on repeat in Buck’s mind since he found out that Eddie and Chris were leaving for tour.
“So tell me all about it, tell me ‘bout the plans you’re makin’. Oh, then tell me one thing more before I go.”
Buck is mesmerized.
Over the past three years, he has seen Eddie perform in countless places. In coffee shops, open mic nights at random restaurants, and on small stages in bars, but none of them have done him justice.
This, a grand stage, is where Eddie belongs.
“Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you? Now that I’ve been loving you so long. How am I supposed to live without you and how am I supposed to carry on? When all that I’ve been living for is gone.”
And with those words, Buck gets it. He understands how Chris and Priscilla, and probably everyone at work too, knew exactly who Eddie was dedicating this song to.
The yearning in Eddie’s voice is a mirror to the yearning in Buck’s heart. It’s the only way to explain how his heart calls out to Eddie as if it’s being called home after being lost for so long.
“And I’m too proud for cryin’, didn’t come here to break down. It’s just a dream of mine is coming to an end. And how can I blame you when I built my world around the hope that one day, we’d be so much more than friends?”
Luckily no one is around to see Buck reach out to his laptop screen and graze his knuckles over Eddie’s face. Those brown eyes that Buck has spent what feels like his whole life falling in love with give nothing away while Eddie sings.
His voice though.
His voice is singing everything that Buck only ever dreamed of hearing Eddie say.
“Now I don’t wanna know the price I’m gonna pay for dreaming. Oh, now that your dream has come true.”
The price that Buck had to pay for Eddie’s dreams coming true was steep. More so than even he was anticipating. It’s a price that he paid then and a price he knows he'd wholeheartedly pay again just to see Eddie where he is now - on stage and getting all the love and attention he deserves.
But this moment, this song, is different. It feels like a new dream being realized.
A new start.
“Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you? Now that I’ve been loving you so long. How am I supposed to live without you and how am I supposed to carry on? When all that I’ve been living for is gone...”
The song ends and, for a second, there’s silence. Eddie’s chest heaves from the exertion of his singing and, when he looks up, the audience yells at the top of their lungs. It startles Eddie, so much so that he takes a couple of steps backwards.
Then, as if remembering where he is, he throws his free arm up to wave and smile at everyone.
The smile doesn’t fully reach his eyes.
Buck’s vision is blurry when he types up the only message he can think to send.
Buck (8:32pm): do you have any tickets for your LA show next month?
He puts his phone down, unsure of how long it’ll take for him to receive a response.
That’s why he’s so surprised when his phone chimes only seconds later.
Priscilla (8:32pm): I’ll personally fly you out to our next show myself if it means Eddie will stop moping around.
“Are you nervous?”
Buck’s heart squeezes at the sound of that voice, having spent far too long only hearing it over a phone or computer as compared to in person.
“Yeah, buddy,” he says to Christopher, who is sitting in the chair beside him. “I am.”
“You don’t have to be though. It’s just daddy.”
The simplicity of those words is a sharp contrast to the situation that’s about to unfold. Even more so because Eddie has never been ‘just’ anything to Buck.
“They’re ready for you,” a woman with a headset and clipboard informs Buck and Christopher. “I’m going to walk you over now.”
The instructions are easy to follow and yet, the thought of standing up feels as insurmountable as climbing a mountain. Once Buck gets up, the plan that has been a week in the making will be set in motion. There will be no turning back.
It’s terrifying to think that after everything that he and Eddie have been through together, this is the way the page is going to turn on their relationship. Not in a small and quiet way, like Buck had always dreamed about, but on an unfamiliar stage in a packed stadium full of people neither Eddie nor Buck have ever met before.
“C’mon, Bucky.” Chris holds out a hand to Buck and, if there’s anything that Buck has ever been happy to fail spectacularly at, it’s this. His inability to say no to Chris. Without it, he would be frozen to his spot, ready but afraid to find out what comes next.
They walk through the backstage area together, the stadium’s employee at the front guiding them through the darkness with a flashlight. She must be cognizant of the need to not rush through the sometimes small and other times crowded spaces to allow Chris the ability to keep up with her.
As they draw closer to the stage, Buck can hear the chanting of the crowd. It is a long way away from the small bars and pubs that Eddie used to frequent. Back then, having more than twenty people in the crowd was a big deal. Now, Eddie is easily singing to tens of thousands of people at least four times a week.
They say nothing can prepare you for being thrust into the spotlight, so Buck wonders how Eddie prepared for this. He desperately wishes he could ask.
“Minnesota, you’ve been great tonight! Is it okay if I do one last song for you?”
Chris squeals, gripping Buck’s hand tightly. This is the cue they’ve been waiting for and, from their position on the side of the stage, they have the best view in the arena to watch it all unfold.
“I have a new song -”
“Now now, hold on there Cowboy,” a voice interjects. The audience’s screams amplify tenfold as Priscilla strolls out on stage with a microphone in one hand and a stool in another. Buck is tempted to cover his ears but doing so means letting go of Chris’s hand and he’s not sure what he’s liable to do once he lets go. Chris is his anchor, and, without his touch, Buck is almost certain he’ll let himself be washed away at sea.
“Hey, P. What’re you doing out here? Trying to steal my thunder?”
Priscilla sets the stool beside Eddie and takes a seat on it. She props her arm on his shoulder, eyes twinkling when she leans in so she can use his mic to say, “you do know that this is my tour so, if there’s anyone stealing my thunder, it’s you.”
There’s a lightness to Eddie that Buck is unsure he’s ever experienced before. Like a flower with the right care, Eddie blooms under the brightness of countless adoring fans and someone as open and friendly as Priscilla.
“Well if that’s the case, should I be getting off your stage?”
Eddie goes so far as to start unplugging his guitar, to the chagrin of countless concert goers.There’s somehow even more yelling than before and this time it has nothing to do with Priscilla.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Cowboy. I’d have a riot on my hands if I let you walk off this stage right now.” She takes a moment to take in the crowd before turning her attention to the side of the stage that Chris and Buck are hiding in. Buck is almost certain that she winks in their direction. “I’m actually here because I have a favor to ask you.”
Even though Eddie has been rolling with the punches up until now, Buck can tell this unexpected request throws Eddie off. “Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
“I was wondering if I could sing a song with you.”
Buck’s in a packed stadium where everything is at full volume, including the crowd, but not even that can drown out the sound of Buck’s pounding heart in his ears. This is it - the beginning of the end.
And, hopefully, the start of something new.
As if sensing his spiraling thoughts, Chris squeezes Buck’s hand again.
On stage, Eddie purses his lips and puts a finger to his chin. “I think that can be arranged. What did you have in mind?”
Priscilla covers both her mic and Eddie’s when she leans forward to whisper the song in his ear. If Eddie’s surprised by what she says, he hides it well.
“Think you can handle that, Cowboy?”
Eddie repositions his fingers on his guitar, cocky smile in place. “I think I can. I just hope you can keep up, P.”
Buck experiences an unnerving sense of déjà vu as Eddie strums the first few chords of the song. It’s almost as if he’s at home watching the video Priscilla again.
“I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today. I had to come and get it straight from you.”
Priscilla and Eddie harmonize the lyrics as if they’ve sung them a hundred times together before. Where he goes low, she goes high. Buck would be captivated if not for what he knows is going to happen next.
“Alright, Mr. Buckley,” a stagehand says, appearing seemingly out of nowhere with earbuds in hand. He was told ahead of time that he would be wearing them so he could hear better once he’s out on stage. “It’s time.”
“They said you were leavin', someone's swept your heart away. From the look upon your face, I see it's true.”
The stagehand gently pushes Buck forward and with that, Buck finds himself stepping out of the shadows. Like a sailor being pulled to the shore, he walks towards the siren that’s going to change his life, for better or for worse.
“So tell me all about it, tell me ‘bout the plans you’re makin’. Oh, then tell me one thing more before I go.”
The lights on the stage fade and a spotlight lands on Buck as he walks onto the stage. Priscilla jumps off the stool and it’s only then that Eddie turns in Buck’s direction.
Time stops when their eyes meet.
Eddie has never been an overly emotive person. A lifetime of being told to ‘man up’ and to ‘take things like a man’ stole that ability out from under him. And yet, there is no denying the tears that well in Eddie’s eyes as he takes Buck in.
Buck has waited for what feels like forever to be looked at like this. To be seen.
And to be seen like this by Eddie? Buck is sure there’s no greater feeling in the world.
“Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you?” Eddie sings directly at Buck as he walks towards him too. They meet somewhere in the middle, just like they’ve been doing for the past three years. It’s a magnetic pull that Buck is tired of fighting. “Now that I’ve been loving you so long.”
Eddie is close, so close, now.
Somehow it’s still not close enough.
“And how can I blame you when I built my world around the hope that one day, we'd be so much more than friends?”
It’s a lyric and a confession all rolled into one, the perfect encapsulation of how Buck has felt for too long. And, if the way Eddie’s voice cracks on the last word is any indication, it’s how he’s felt too.
“How am I supposed to live without you and how am I supposed to carry on? When all that I’ve been livin’ for is gone.”
Buck barely registers the flashing lights and hysterical screaming that is amplified by the song ending. He is too busy looking into the eyes of the man he loves.
Unlike Michael Bolton, Buck had to learn how to spend these past few months living without Eddie. Now that he has, he knows for certain that he never wants to do it again.
“You sang a song for me.”
Eddie laughs before resting his forehead against Buck’s “You weren’t answering my calls.”
“Michael Bolton though? Feels a little dramatic.” Buck is aiming for nonchalance but is unsure how much of a success that is. It’s hard to tell when it feels like his heart’s going to beat right out of his chest and take its rightful place alongside Eddie’s.
“It got you here, didn’t it?”
“You got me there.”
Buck doesn’t know what happens after this. There are conversations to be had, logistics to figure out, a young child to take into consideration and so much more.
But those are all things to worry about later.
For now, Buck is content to bask in the glory of this moment, this revelation, with Eddie.
