hi. to anyone who may have been wondering where i’ve been: i’m really sorry about the long absence. i’ve been going through a lot. i don’t feel comfortable going into a ton of detail (especially as what i’ve gone / been going through is rather personal and i wish to keep it that way) but i do want to at least express some things.
as of posting this, i'm currently doing okay physically and mentally. idk if i’m gonna be very active on here or any of my socials anymore, but i’m considering possibly moving to a new blog just because this one brings back too many bad memories and i want to try to have a fresh start and move on from my past. if any mutuals want it (or just wish to at least keep in touch with me on discord or something), feel free to shoot me a dm or ask.
i'm going to post some ramblings under the cut as i don't want to flood dashboards with a lengthy vent.
i've been in a rather dark spot mentally. some days it’s more bearable, but some days it's really overwhelming. aside from irl stuff, playing video games, mindlessly scrolling through youtube/reddit, occasionally posting on my hellaverse twitter, and trying to find new hobbies (namely gardening, doing makeup and puzzles), i've mostly been self-isolating. my mental health is something i have gradually suffered from at least half of my life and have (and largely still have) bottled up from most people. it's gotten to the point that i kinda just feel like i don’t deserve to be happy or to have any real friends or to really put myself out there in the world anymore or to be my most authentic self or to be loved or supported or for someone to have patience for me or… anything good. it’s especially hard not to believe this considering i’ve turned 27 yesterday and had wasted most of my 20s up to this point being a mentally ill recluse still living with my mom, likely as a result of heavily masking my autism throughout my life in an attempt to prove to my family and other adults scrutinizing me that i can be "high functioning" and independent (while simultaneously also being heavily infantilized by said people, mainly my mom) only to become a young adult and crash and burn into severe burnout (and the COVID pandemic certainly did not help). now i almost feel like since i’m not “young” anymore i don’t deserve to get better or to have any real friends or any real support system, and that i’m too old to reclaim my youth and young adulthood stolen by repressed emotions, trauma and mental illness. worst of all, i still feel like i’m not supposed to want the former or express the latter. that it makes me selfish, needy, whiny, ungrateful, useless, worthless.
despite this, i fortunately do have some good news: for the past year, especially the past few months, my mom has gradually shown some real improvement in regards to certain behaviors, (actually) trying to be more patient and empathize with my feelings and what past traumas i have told her and (actually) trying to treat me less like an overgrown child and more like an actual adult, and is now more open to the idea of me possibly getting a job of some sort and eventually moving out. i've been expressing more of my authentic self around her, i feel like she's finally giving me the actual respect i wanted for so long, i feel closer to her now than i ever have and it honestly makes me really happy. i don't fully trust her/myself enough to fully open myself up to her about my past traumas and mental illnesses yet though (especially because it kinda took her until she started really suffering from a possible terminal illness to do so) but i'll give her credit where credit is due. had i known she'd actually try improving herself sooner, i would've opened up and gotten the help i needed sooner. i guess i was just so used to her being (what i now recognize as) emotionally neglectful throughout my whole life that i genuinely thought that she'd never actually try to change for the better, so i kinda just... bottled everything up from her up until this point (my teen and young adult years' brains fried by tumblr's inability to comprehend changing for the better / black-and-white morality + my anxiety/paranoia certainly didn't help). i’m hoping that if and when i feel like i can fully open up to her, maybe i can finally get the real mental help i’ve needed, and eventually, the real independence i've craved for basically my entire life. maybe i'll finally feel like an actual adult and a real person deserving of good things for once in my life.
that, and i've been getting some enjoyment out of new hobbies (mainly doing makeup. it's quite fun) and i did have a good 27th birthday yesterday. it was probably the nicest birthday i've had in a long time.
hi. to anyone who may have been wondering where i’ve been: i’m really sorry about the long absence. i’ve been going through a lot. i don’t feel comfortable going into a ton of detail (especially as what i’ve gone / been going through is rather personal and i wish to keep it that way) but i do want to at least express some things.
as of posting this, i'm currently doing okay physically and mentally. idk if i’m gonna be very active on here or any of my socials anymore, but i’m considering possibly moving to a new blog just because this one brings back too many bad memories and i want to try to have a fresh start and move on from my past. if any mutuals want it (or just wish to at least keep in touch with me on discord or something), feel free to shoot me a dm or ask.
i'm going to post some ramblings under the cut as i don't want to flood dashboards with a lengthy vent.
i've been in a rather dark spot mentally. some days it’s more bearable, but some days it's really overwhelming. aside from irl stuff, playing video games, mindlessly scrolling through youtube/reddit, occasionally posting on my hellaverse twitter, and trying to find new hobbies (namely gardening, doing makeup and puzzles), i've mostly been self-isolating. my mental health is something i have gradually suffered from at least half of my life and have (and largely still have) bottled up from most people. it's gotten to the point that i kinda just feel like i don’t deserve to be happy or to have any real friends or to really put myself out there in the world anymore or to be my most authentic self or to be loved or supported or for someone to have patience for me or… anything good. it’s especially hard not to believe this considering i’ve turned 27 yesterday and had wasted most of my 20s up to this point being a mentally ill recluse still living with my mom, likely as a result of heavily masking my autism throughout my life in an attempt to prove to my family and other adults scrutinizing me that i can be "high functioning" and independent (while simultaneously also being heavily infantilized by said people, mainly my mom) only to become a young adult and crash and burn into severe burnout (and the COVID pandemic certainly did not help). now i almost feel like since i’m not “young” anymore i don’t deserve to get better or to have any real friends or any real support system, and that i’m too old to reclaim my youth and young adulthood stolen by repressed emotions, trauma and mental illness. worst of all, i still feel like i’m not supposed to want the former or express the latter. that it makes me selfish, needy, whiny, ungrateful, useless, worthless.
despite this, i fortunately do have some good news: for the past year, especially the past few months, my mom has gradually shown some real improvement in regards to certain behaviors, (actually) trying to be more patient and empathize with my feelings and what past traumas i have told her and (actually) trying to treat me less like an overgrown child and more like an actual adult, and is now more open to the idea of me possibly getting a job of some sort and eventually moving out. i've been expressing more of my authentic self around her, i feel like she's finally giving me the actual respect i wanted for so long, i feel closer to her now than i ever have and it honestly makes me really happy. i don't fully trust her/myself enough to fully open myself up to her about my past traumas and mental illnesses yet though (especially because it kinda took her until she started really suffering from a possible terminal illness to do so) but i'll give her credit where credit is due. had i known she'd actually try improving herself sooner, i would've opened up and gotten the help i needed sooner. i guess i was just so used to her being (what i now recognize as) emotionally neglectful throughout my whole life that i genuinely thought that she'd never actually try to change for the better, so i kinda just... bottled everything up from her up until this point (my teen and young adult years' brains fried by tumblr's inability to comprehend changing for the better / black-and-white morality + my anxiety/paranoia certainly didn't help). i’m hoping that if and when i feel like i can fully open up to her, maybe i can finally get the real mental help i’ve needed, and eventually, the real independence i've craved for basically my entire life. maybe i'll finally feel like an actual adult and a real person deserving of good things for once in my life.
that, and i've been getting some enjoyment out of new hobbies (mainly doing makeup. it's quite fun) and i did have a good 27th birthday yesterday. it was probably the nicest birthday i've had in a long time.
