Xavier. Linkon International Airport, 7:48am. Overcast sky. Gate 314B. Song
p.s. tumblr can't format urdu properly!?!?
She walked through the glass barrier and didn’t look back until the last second. And Xavier could almost see the mental debate ongoing inside her head; her mind battling her heart.
She had always been like that. Looking back would make it harder. But she wasn't one to shy away from difficult things. So, right before the gate closed behind her, she turned. One last smile between the narrow gap of the door. One last wave. Glassy eyes, half-moon behind a smile. Xavier's brows furrowed as he smiled back. He swallowed and kept watching until she disappeared.
She had to go back to her family in India for an emergency. Didn't know when she'd come back, how long they'd be apart. They had stayed up all night. Crying, kissing, making love, cuddling, crying again, touching each other as if sand was slipping through their fingers. Xavier couldn't leave with her because of missions. She'd be gone for at least a month, maybe more...
They should've slept earlier. That would have been sensible. They had to leave home at five am at the least. But leaving her hand, letting her go, to not touch her face, not look into her eyes for the last time before months apart was harder than waiting two hundred years for a single glimpse of her face. He knew what sunlight felt like now and going back into the dark was akin to exposing a wound to salt.
It was easier before. He was alone and had no expectations. When he'd saved her life as Lumiere, he'd expected nothing. He was a silent guardian; a distant watcher. Keeping the promise he made to himself that he'd never let anything happen to her. With or without being loved in return, it didn't matter. Only her safety mattered. In every life, every form, she'd always be safe. But then she met him that day during her first mission. Then she touched his hand, asked him out on a date, pressed her lips to his, said she wanted him and he was weak...
He waited another two minutes. What for? He knew not. Then he turned toward the parking level, already dreading going to his empty apartment.
As Xavier was reversing her car he saw on the back floor: her sling bag.
"Shit." he cursed softly.
He tried calling her, but she didn't pick up. She was probably going through security. There was no point anyway. It's not like she can come back out... The hope to see her again died in his throat.
Xavier: U forgot Ur sling bag.
He sent the message, stared at the screen for a minute, sighed and put the phone back down.
He slid the sling bag onto his lap, and opened it to check if she’d left something important. She'd taken too much baggage home: paid for extra luggage for gifts, souvenirs, clothes, food. But she was a meticulous woman. They had counted the bags, checked and rechecked the contents multiple times. This bag should've probably been inside the luggage.
He opened it to check if she'd not forgotten something. Another souvenir perhaps. Inside: a small packet of chocolates, a few old-fashioned currency bills she swears they can 'use in an emergency', spare R-rank protocores and an envelope.
Plain. Unmarked. Sealed, but not tightly; as if done half heartedly.
There was no name written on it nor an address. It wasn’t stamped nor folded the way something mailed would be. Just an ordinary pale-white envelope tucked into the bag, slightly crumpled. He opened it, genuinely worried if it was her cover letter or something she needed to show at customs.
The first thing he saw: Urdu writing. Her handwriting. The soft, looping script. Intimate and gentle but not pretty. It wasn't written in a way one writes letters. Not presentable nor tidy; it was a scribble. As if a confession; a letter never meant to be sent.
She didn’t know he could read it because he had never told her. He’d started learning last year. Quietly. Slowly. For no reason other than her whispered curses in that Punjabi accent. The way her accent sometimes curled into certain sounds whenever she got emotional. Because he had once seen her smile at something her mother said to her and wanted to say the same thing to her. It was supposed to be a surprise and it will be.
He started reading and from the very first letter he heard her soft spoken, raspy voice. The way she always whispered words when she was shy:
Kisise mohabbat insaan ko bohat kamzor kr deti hai. Mujhe inn saari cheezon se nafrat hai.
Love can make a person weak, helpless... And I hate all of that. The need. The want.
Magar in sabke bawajood tum mere zindagi ke markaz bante ja rahe ho.
But despite it all, you are slowly becoming the center of my life.
Xavier's grip on the paper tightened involuntarily. He looked up and around as if second guessing he was reading it right, if his knowledge was faulty. He looked down again with a lump in his throat and kept reading.
Tum mujhse puchte ho ki mujhe tumhari kya baat acchi lagti hai...
Main tumse ye kaise kahu ki mujhe tumhari konsi baat acchi nahi lagti...
You ask me to tell you what it is that I like about you. But how do I tell you there is nothing that I don’t?
His brows furrowed almost in pain.
Tumhara har waqt ki tawajjo.
Tumhara jaan chidakne wala har andaaz.
Harr baar jab tum mere maa baap ke ehteraam mein khade hote ho...
Your unwavering attention, no matter the time. The way you give it like a gift. The way your eyes shy away from me. The way your insight always touches my soul. The way you stand up when my parents enter a room.
His chest tightened. She saw all that in him? He imagined her writing this at night, on her clean and meticulously organised table. She must've been angry at herself for feeling too much again. Maybe listening to old bollywood music, maybe crying without knowing why. Maybe folding this up and putting it away because it felt too honest to send.
Main tumse ye kaise kahu ki main tumhare aage jhukne lagti hoon... Aur kya kuchh nahi... Magar ye sab mein tumhe kabhi nahi bataungi.
How do I tell you I want to bow down; fall down to my knees in front of you? And God knows what else... But I will never tell you all this.
Tumhare har waade par hasoon gi... tumhari har baat ka mazaak udaungi. Kyunki sach to yahi hai ke mein tumhari barabari kabhi nahi kar sakti. Tum mujhe sangemarmar samajhte ho... to samajhte raho. Main tumhare samne rait ki deewar tak nahi ban sakti.
I will laugh at your every promise. I will tease you and make fun. Because the truth is, I can never be your equal. It's fine if you think I’m like a marble fort. But the truth is I can’t even hold myself up like a sand wall when I’m in front of you.
Mujhe tootne se khauf aata hai. Magar, mein phir bhi tumhe chahti hu.
I’m afraid of breaking. But I still want you.
That was all. No post script, no salutation. It ended like that. Xavier couldn't move for a good while. Staring at the paper and black ink. An airplane whirred loudly somewhere as it landed. Wind and rain beat against the car window but Xavier couldn't even hear himself breathe.
Finally, he folded the letter, too tightly. His hands shook. They'd only been together for a year but it felt like a lifetime.
She loved him more deeply than he had dared to believe, more deeply than she was ready to admit. He thought her love was soft, intense, passionate all at once and that was more than enough, more than he deserved. But only now did he understand her devotion.
The dark voice in his head told him this wasn't addressed to him. Maybe for a past lover. He couldn't have made her feel this love. He couldn't inspire such poetry. But she'd told him once to listen to his gut, not the voices in his mind. And his gut told him this was for him.
He leaned back in the car seat with a gentle thud, lips still parted. He took a deep breath to compose himself, rubbing a hand over his face. He stared outside and realised his eyes were just as blurry as the rain sheathed window. He let the pain of her absence settle like weight in his chest.
Then he opened his phone again.
Xavier: I miss U already. Please come back to me soon.
He would never mention the letter and she would never send it to him.
this entire thing was inspired by this pin i saw, idk if it actually from zindagi gulzar hair. I haven't watched the show in a decade atp, but whoever wrote it or if it's from the show, the credit for the letter goes to them. Thank you <3
