Steadily Unbalanced

New Yorker living on the west coast. Trying to *slow* down, find ways to fill my cup before pouring into others', embrace my new identity of "mama", recognize and practice that we work to live and not live to work, all while trying not to freak out on the bikers who "have a right to the road". Here's to never truly having it together, but welcoming and wholeheartedly accepting the chaos we call life.

[steadilyunbalanced]

I wish someone warned me about the overstimulation that comes with motherhood.

You hear about the roller coaster of emotions that come with each phase of motherhood. The sleepless nights, baby’s first smile, the anxiety around feeding (no matter how you choose to feed). 

The list goes on. 

I experienced so many firsts at the same time as my baby; it’s as if I also experienced a rebirth of myself into my new identity, “mom”. And while I expected the emotions, no one told me about the overstimulation- how your brain can never turn off because you’re constantly either being needed, tending to your work, taking care of the household, making time for your marriage. 

The list goes on. 

Even after you separate from it all to go take a bath or do yoga, you hear the baby fussing or the dog barking or your phone pinging. Did I switch the laundry? Did I hit send on that email? Are we out of coffee creamer?

The list goes on.

For the first time, I’ve struggled with this balancing act. I’m naturally an extrovert, defined by how I receive energy. I like to be social, talk, go out to meet up with friends, or teach a workout class. Before having my baby, these were all things that filled my cup. However, now my needs have changed and it took me over 6 months to not only realize this but adapt my day to day life to accommodate that change. I felt as though between the hours of 6am and 8pm I never stopped going. After work during the evening my husband would frequently ask “what’s wrong?” because I was silent, which is so unlike me. And while nothing was wrong, I needed quiet alone time and I never made time for that, even when he gave me the space to do so.

One of my core values is to fill your cup before filling others, I know it might sound a little selfish. It reminds me of when a flight attendant instructs you to put your oxygen mask on before helping others in case of an emergency during a flight. I truly believe that if you are not finding time for yourself to restore and recharge, you’re pouring from an empty cup. How can I expect to be a great mom, wife, colleague, sister, daughter, friend, yoga instructor, etc if I’m giving everyone around me the scraps of myself? It just doesn’t work. 

And it didn’t. After trying to maintain the same lifestyle as I did pre-baby, I quickly spiraled into a burn out. I was exhausted and needed to go to bed at 8pm to feel somewhat okay to get up at 6am and do it all again. All of my workouts had to be reserved for teaching yoga or barre to others because I simply could not manage more than 2 workouts a week without breaking down. Things I used to enjoy, like cooking dinner or going for walks, or doing an XOXO Cody peloton ride now seemed like a chore. 

On top of this, I felt immense guilt anytime I set time aside for myself. My mind would race with things I “should” be doing instead- playing with James, walking the dog, unloading the dishwasher, meal planning. 

The list goes on.

It was a constant tug-o-war between giving myself space to fill my cup and balancing all of my other responsibilities. 

And then the feeling of failure set in. How can I not handle this? What’s wrong with me?

I had to take a step back and reanalyze what gave me energy so I could prioritize those things, even if it meant not doing something for someone else. I reached out to other moms to understand if they struggled with this, and sure enough they did. I didn’t feel so alone. 

While I’m still actively working on this massive shift in how I live my life, certain things are helping.. 

I am taking a step back from teaching fitness. I made a goal to myself to focus more on my yoga practice this year and commit time to my mat three times a week. Teaching was taking that from me. 

I’m trying to wake up 30 minutes earlier to sit in silence with my coffee and a book. It doesn’t happen everyday because some days I decide the extra 30 minutes of sleep is more important to my day than alone time, and that’s okay too. 

I’m writing again. Getting the endless lists and thoughts and feelings out on paper. It not only helps me and is something I enjoy, but maybe I can help someone else too. Maybe another mom reading this will find solitude and soften their shoulders realizing they don’t have to carry all this weight silently and alone. 

I have a practice that I use frequently when I’m feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Someone told me about this during my yoga teacher training and I truly believe it is how I’ve been able to get through some of my hardest days. 

Close your eyes and imagine you’re hosting a dinner table. Each seat is reserved for your feelings, and as they fill you, welcome them to have a seat. Hello sadness, hi anger. Hey, excitement. Hello fear. Seat each emotion until you’ve felt all that you have to feel. With your eyes remaining closed, look around your table. Welcome each seat, each emotion to join you for dinner. When you realize that having these feelings is okay, when you welcome each one and accept it for what it is, you can find some peace and move forward. 

Hello overstimulation, welcome. 

- J

[steadilyunbalanced]

A Girls Got To Have Her Routine!

Over a year and a half ago, I started seeing a reflexologist to help naturally combat issues I was facing with my endometriosis. Inflammation, bloat, grogginess, brain fog, energy loss, cramping, etc. Sounds fun, right? I was a little apprehensive at first thinking “can this lady really heal me by rubbing my feet?”, but that apprehension quickly dissipated as I continued to see results from her suggestions. That can be a whole separate blog honestly. She has provided me with so many amazing tips and tricks, but two of them I’ve stuck with pretty much day in and day out. 

Sole Water (pronounced So-lay)

This sounds super fancy, but it is actually very inexpensive, accessible and very easy! It is literally Himalayan salt and filtered water. You’re thinking, “Wait, that’s it? Salt is what changed your life?”.  Yes! And let me explain why, stick with me here. To make it is quite simple: take a glass jar with no metal, so a mason jar with a metal lid won’t cut it, (this is important because it keeps the salt from iodizing), fill it a fourth of the way with Himalayan salt (I get mine from Costco) and fill the rest with filtered water. Any form of Himalayan salt will work, a rock, bigger chunks, and even fine salt- it doesn’t matter. Let it sit for at least 24 hours before using. Make sure the salt doesn’t dissolve completely; you should have a layer of salt at the bottom of the jar, which means the water is fully saturated. If it is completely dissolved, just add more. Each morning on an empty stomach mix 1 tablespoon of the mixture in a glass with water. I personally hate the taste of it, I’m just not a fan of salt, so I take mine in a shot glass with water followed by at least 8oz of water. 

The benefits of doing this are unbelievable:

Minerals galore: Salt gets a bad rep, and sure you probably shouldn’t drink table salt in your water… and by probably, I mean do not do this. Himalayan salt, on the other hand, has 84 trace minerals which is why it has a pink hue, and it’s what differentiates itself from table salt. Sole makes it so easy to get these minerals daily, even if it’s in a small amount. 

Hydration & energy: full of electrolytes, sole helps keep your energy levels high throughout the day. When we drink too much water, we can potentially flush out important minerals. Sole helps to keep those minerals absorbed and replenish any that do get flushed out. 

Digestion: Himalayan salt activates enzymes to aid in metabolism of proteins when breaking down food. It can help the intestinal tracks and liver when digesting. 

Detoxes and rebalances pH: with all this hydration, detoxing, and increased energy, our body rebalances its pH levels which helps when it comes to fighting bacteria and viruses, and even helps against storing fat cells. 

Better Skin: The minerals like zinc, help repair tissue and prevent acne. Sulfur helps keep our skin smooth, while iodine and chromium can help prevent and treat any infections.  

Honestly there are so many other amazing benefits that people have found through this routine, like better sleep, weight loss, allergy relief. I encourage you to try it for one week and journal about the differences you feel! 

Greens Superfood

Every day I take Amazing Grass Green Superfood, original. I eat plenty of veggies and greens, but this ensures that I get 2 full servings every day. This helps support digestion, boosts immunity, and balances alkalinity. It’s packed full of vitamins and antioxidants, and surprisingly it tastes pretty good! It has some acai berry and raspberry in it that helps sweeten it but has no added sugar! Its gluten free and plant based. I feel so much better when I drink this! Is it weird to say, I feel more regular? TMI? Oh well. It freakin helps! An easy way to add this into your routine is by putting it in a daily smoothie in place of leafy greens like spinach. Below is my go-to smoothie recipe: 

½ Frozen banana

¼ cup blueberries (or just a handful, I don’t actually measure)

1 scoop Amazing Grass Green Superfood

2 scoops Vital Proteins Plain Collagen Peptides

1 scoop Garden Of Life Vanilla Protein

½ cup almond milk

½ cup water

I have so many other “daily habits” that I take and vitamins that really help with inflammation and hormone balance. Seems like that should be a blog in itself!

Enjoy your fancy saltwater, homies.

- J

[steadilyunbalanced]

[steadilyunbalanced]

The Power of Breath

This week in yoga teacher training we focused on anatomy and part of the conversation was around breath. It’s funny to think we could spend over an hour or so discussing something that we don’t even think about when we are doing which is constant. However, what I’ve learned is our breath is our compass for our next step. It helps us control our emotions, decision making, and each move our body will make next. Stay with me here, don’t roll your eyes!

Try this on. Sit up straight and take a deep breath in for 4 counts, out for 6 counts. Inhale for 4, exhale for 6. Repeat 3-5 times with your eyes closed. Continue a few rounds of normal breath on your own rhythm.

Take a minute to reflect what you felt whether it be relief, calmness, uncertainty, weirdness. We tend not to mindfully breathe as we go about our days, whatever they may look like, so if it felt unnatural that’s okay, just know that it doesn’t have to.

When we take deep mindful breaths even a few times a day it helps our central nervous system relax and slow down. Not only does this supply fresh oxygen to our entire body including our muscles and cells, but it also helps remove toxins from our body. Mindful breathing can help with stress responses such as tension and anxiety.

When your exhale is a few counts longer than your inhale it can calm and “turn down” your sympathetic nervous system and elevate or “turn up” your parasympathetic nervous system. One more time, stay with me! I’ll break this down as best I can.

The sympathetic nervous system is your flight or fight response. Think of what your reaction would be if you were standing in an elevator and it dropped slightly and paused. You would probably feel your heartbeat increase and your breath get faster. Do you get the same feeling when someone in traffic cuts you off? (For you Seattle folk, don’t judge me, okay? New Yorkers aren’t as passive!) Sometimes, we need our fight or flight, but most of the time we don’t. When we turn this on too frequently it creates an imbalance of our body’s hormone production because we elevate our cortisol too much.

Oppositely, your parasympathetic nervous system controls your response to rest and relaxation. Think of the blissful moment right before you’re about to fall asleep. You feel calm, at ease, and peaceful. Your heartbeat is slower, blood pressure is lower, and breath calmer. When else do you feel this way throughout your day? We typically don’t spend a ton of time turning up our parasympathetic nervous system because we are a society of go-go-go and “always tuned in”.

Mindful breathing helps us enter that state of rest and relaxation and it has tons of benefits for not only your mind but also your body. Next time you begin to turn to your fight or flight response, I challenge you to stop and take 5 deep rounds of breath first. Does your response change? Do you feel less stressed? Is your body connecting with your mind and staying calm? Take note of the changes in your body! Continued practice of mindful breathing can pay off in the long term, plus it won’t feel so weird eventually!

- J

[steadilyunbalanced]

Namaste

Okay wow, that was a long break, huh?

It has been almost 12 months since I’ve last posted, yikes. Since then I have travelled back to the east coast a few times to visit family and friends, took on a new role at work, got engaged (casual, I know), moved literally next door, and spent the rest of my time either wedding planning or cuddling with our dog (who has an Instagram now!). 

But I’m back!

I have been feeling so guilty for not writing more and have been thinking to myself “why did I even start this blog if I was going to post once per year?”. I’ve forgiven myself, it is 2020 so let’s move on. I’m trying to follow what feels right and I guess writing wasn’t it! I’ve become more in tune with my thoughts and emotions, learning how to work through them thanks to yoga. Next week I actually begin my 200-hour yoga teacher training, so yeah, namaste man.

Anyways, in just a few short months back on my mat I’ve learned a lot:

⁃ Accept failure: You are going to fall out of posture, you might not be able to hold that three-legged plank for as long as you want to.  Chin-stand? More like face plant. Who cares! Get up and try again. The person next to you isn’t looking at you and they don’t care about what you are doing (sorry, you’re not Meghan Markle after all). Take this lesson into your everyday life. Treat your headspace like you do your mat and challenge yourself, fail, get up and try again, change up your position. Whatever it is, just accept failure and move on from it.

⁃ Don’t have expectations: I used to go into my practices and my intention would be to not take a break, to get into an inversion, to burn more calories than last class. Expectations lead to unnecessary failures, the ones you set yourself up for (I know I’m contradicting myself but there is a difference). Instead, go in open minded, accept the practice for what it is and with that, accept how you flow throughout- breaks and all. I’ve been bringing this into my daily life as well. If I go to work and expect it’s going to be a day without any bumps in the road, I get mad when something goes wrong. If I come home and expect that Sam has done the dishes but he didn’t have time because he had a busy day too, who cares? Why get upset about it? Don’t have expectations because you are filling your mind with possibilities of what the future might hold and guess what, you can’t control it.

⁃ Listen to your body: Yes push yourself, finish the ab series, try to flow through chaturanga instead of going right to down dog, take a sip of water and get back into it quickly. Push yourself because that’s how you’ll overcome your mind and change your body. Now, don’t force a back bend when you know you already have a kinked back. Don’t try the shoulder stand because the girl next to you is doing it and you know you need supported blocks and *time* to get into it. I went into the new year with expectations of myself that I would practice daily but guess what that’s unrealistic because sometimes my body needs a break. Sometimes I am so exhausted or not feeling great and so I don’t go to class, I listen to my body and instead I go home, and I walk Naya or I do a 20-minute bedtime flow. It’s healthier for my mind and my body sometimes to do what feels right.

⁃ Respect the space around you: Okay this seems obvious in a hot yoga class with 60 other people, so this is more one that I’ve really taken away from class and practiced in my daily life. And more so than respecting space, just being aware of the space around me and acting kindly to those around me. When we say “namaste” at the end of class we are saying “the divine in me respectfully recognizes the divine in you”. How badass and kind is that? Not that I’m going to be walking around saying namaste to every person I see, but I’m going to recognize them and just respect them because....um well we’re human so why be an asshole!

Spending 9 hours in training and another 5 in classes each week I am positive I’ll learn a lot more, and my goal is to find the energy and time to write about those learnings.  I’m also positive that I’m going to be exhausted and sore (*thinks about how amazing my arms are going to look in my wedding dress). Its 8 weeks of my life which in the grand scheme of things is nothing, so yes, it’s going to be hard and tiring and I might be cranky (sorry Sam), but 8 weeks is going to fly by. For perspective we’re already almost 7 weeks into 2020.

What challenges are you taking this year? What lesson have you learned to help yourself and those around you?

- J

[steadilyunbalanced]

Endometriosis

Endometriosis. Something that is finally being talked about in our society, but still not enough. Most people aren’t familiar with this chronic illness even though it affects 1 in 10 females. As women, we live in an environment where speaking out about female health issues is uncomfortable, awkward, and honestly feels shameful. It took me a long time to learn how to speak out without feeling humiliated or making others want to run the other way; to this day, I still catch myself feeling embarrassed or not knowing what to say. This is a problem and that’s why now I’m speaking out publicly and will continue to do so.

Most of my close friends and family know that I have stage 4 endometriosis, but I rarely speak out on social media and I’m sure a lot of women are in the same position. I feel it is important to open up because it helps educate others on an illness that is poorly researched and supported, and unfortunately has no cure.  So, I’m here to tell my story in hopes that more women speak up and create awareness for all female health issues. This is especially important right now as this month is Endometriosis Awareness Month.

Growing up, I always had terrible periods (see that was even awkward to write, but it’s okay we’re going to have to keep going because boy is it going to get way more personal up in here!). 

I went on birth control when I was 13, way to young I know, but it was the only thing to help control my hormones and my menstrual cycle. I stayed on birth control until I was 21 and then I decided to get off the medicine so that my body could be on its natural cycle. I wanted to see if my symptoms were better in my adult life rather than my young teenage years. And they were! For about a year my period was so normal, pain free, and super easy to manage.

Shortly after Sam and I started dated (poor honey!), my period started getting worse month by month, to the point that in October of 2016 I found myself on the bathroom floor all night sick to my stomach and bleeding way too much, so much I could barely get out of bed the next day because of fatigue. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I’m still unsure if I had a cyst rupture or not.

The next day I went to a new gynecologist and told her I was concerned about Endometriosis. She discredited my concern, told me it was normal to have cramps, ordered an ultrasound for safe measures, and sent me back home with birth control. A week later I found out that I had 2 cysts, one on each ovary and that the left one was about the size of a golf ball and looked abnormal. She advised me to have another ultrasound in 6 weeks to see if the cyst changed, however my pain was still terrible on a daily basis, whether I was bleeding or not. So, she put me on pain medicine: 800mg ibuprofen every 4-5 hours and Tylenol with codeine when needed (which was a lot).  

Three weeks later the pain was unbearable. I could barely walk. We decided it would be best to do another scan and see what was going on, and sure enough the cyst on my left ovary was doubled in size. This was the first week of December, and the doctor wanted to do surgery late January. I thought “how can I possibly wait another month to have this fixed?!”. The problem here was that this doctor didn’t take me seriously from the moment I stepped into her exam room. She didn’t listen to me, my story, my pain, the fact that my mom had endometriosis and my sister has female health problems. She labeled me as a young female complaining of cramps without hearing me or looking at my medical files. I ended up getting in touch with her surgical assistant and booking surgery for that Friday. I had 4 days to prep for what I thought was going to be a routine procedure to remove a cyst.

I woke up alone from surgery and heard the nurse tell me they successfully removed my left ovary and fallopian tube. I was 23 years old and was just told that half of my reproductive organs were removed without any prior conversations around that even being a possibility. My roommate Blake came around the corner a moment later and recognized that I was given the bad news by the tears streaming down my face and look of pure shock. She squeezed my hand and told me everything was going to be alright, and if it wasn’t for her strength in that moment, I truly don’t think I would have been able to get up and keep going.

My world flipped upside down, and honestly, I buried it. I buried it until this most recent winter when I faced my second surgery (not the same doctor, don’t worry!). I had a great support system; my family, friends and my poor, sweet Sam that stuck with me through it all and is still holding my hand on my worst and best days. They supported me and consoled me in a time where I really didn’t process what happened. 

I had so many questions. I didn’t understand how this could happen! And I certainly didn’t understand what this meant for my future. According to my doctor’s assistant (because my doctor decided she didn’t need to be at my follow up appointment), nothing would change! Having kids, no problem. Periods shouldn’t be an issue! Pain, gone! Life would just go back to normal.

Man, if I were only as educated then as I am now.

What I learned was that losing your ovary doesn’t mean you can’t have kids! It means that half of your eggs are no longer there, so you need to make sure to keep your remaining ovary healthy. It means you could have premenopausal symptoms earlier than expected. I learned that I shouldn’t even have a period, and I should be on a birth control that is of high enough hormones to prevent periods completely. This doctor had me on the lowest estrogen pill, one that causes break through bleeding, and was advising me to have a period every month. I learned that pain would be a daily struggle, one that I would mask with strength and a positive attitude. I learned that some days my mask wouldn’t be enough because the pain was too much. I learned to accept my pain, and move through it with natural remedies, diet, exercise and patience. I learned that although a lot would actually change, this disease doesn’t need to define me.

I learned that I needed to find a new doctor to manage my illness and trust them. I learned to not settle for a doctor that didn’t take me seriously or that didn’t listen (there were more than I care to admit).

Fast forward two years, approximately 20 or so doctors spanning 3 states, numerous days in pain spent on the couch or in bed, one more surgery, and I’m finally speaking out.

I want to educate others. Not just women who may be going through the same thing, but also everyone who supports those women; Friends, family, coworkers. Female health is a topic that can’t be pushed aside or covered up because when that happens, we regress. We regress our overall health, our mental health, and the right to stand up for ourselves.

I felt this was important to share today of all days being that it is International Women’s Day. We need strong women supporting strong women, and we need one another educating each other on female health so that another young female doesn’t have to feel like her doctor isn’t listening to her, or that her pain doesn’t matter. Speak up, because when you speak up for yourself, you speak up for every other woman (credit to Melinda Gates for that one).

[steadilyunbalanced]

Daily Celery Juice

It seems like every couple months a new health fad hits the scene and makes its way into my life, because let’s be honest, I will try any natural health trend that’s out there. I’ve done paleo, vegan, pescatarian, and now have my own blended diet of gluten free, dairy free, red meat free, and soy free. I like to have a holistic and natural approach to health! I’m the girl that uses essential oils before medication for healing, and turn to my reflexologist to help heal my body before doctors (there will 100% be a post on reflexology and why I’m obsessed with it).

So, I saw the buzz around celery juice and instantly threw my coat on and went to Trader Joes to buy out all of their organic celery they had (legit 9 bags). I dug my juicer out of my basement and made a goal to have celery juice each morning before anything else. I take an entire bag of celery, juice it up, and gulp it down- yes it takes about 16 stalks to make a full glass of celery juice! Thank goodness a bag of organic celery is only $1.60 at Trader Joes compared to $5 per juice at most juice shops! I was most interested in trying this for the anti-inflammation properties. Having a chronic illness that triggers pain from inflammation, anything to help this is something I will try. That probably helps explain the somewhat radical diet I follow!

I’ve been doing this for about two weeks, so it is definitely still new to my routine, but the benefits are amazing, and I can already feel them! The funny thing is, you actually start to find the juice sweet, and now most mornings I crave it! I’m not going to lie, the first couple days are tough. You just wonder where the buffalo wings and blue cheese are to compliment your celery. Bleh!

But it gets better. And honestly, if you can handle getting through the taste the first couple days, you’ll adjust and learn to love your celery juice and the benefits it has for your body!

Celery juice helps cure so many things- from chronic pain, digestive problems, skin conditions, and more. Having anti-inflammatory properties and antioxidants, celery can benefit overall health, heart health, and can even reduce blood sugar levels and high blood pressure. Below are some top benefits of celery juice:

- Hydration on a cellular level - Brings liver toxicity down - Helps repair damaged ligaments and bones - Helps heal Cohn’s, Colitis, and IBS - Improves kidney functions - Helps prevent gum recession - Stabilizes blood pressure - Supports healthy brain functions - Helps fight autoimmune disease - Restores the adrenals - Minimizes oxidative stress - Prevents bloating - Supports healthy skin

I’ve personally experienced a few these already, just two weeks in. My bloating throughout the day is minimal when I have my morning celery juice. I also feel slimmer, healthier, and more energetic. I truly believe this helps set my digestive track up for success during the day. I never feel heavy or weighed down even after I had a meal! Although I don’t have a lot of skin problems, I’ve felt my skin has been fuller and less blotchy since starting my juice. This is probably because of the hydration that celery allows! I find myself to think clearer and work harder; maybe that’s a placebo but hey, I’ll take it!

The other reason I love celery juice and would recommend it besides from it being 100% natural, easy, and inexpensive, is that the benefits don’t take long to notice! Most people feel the benefits within the first week. So why not? We spend plenty of money and time on things that regress our health like sweets, carb, and alcohol (not saying I don’t indulge people!), so why not try to progress your wellness with something so simple?

Give it a shot and let me know what you think!

- J

[steadilyunbalanced]

Attitude

My mom has a few signature quotes that my siblings and I have instilled in our brains, whether we live by them or make fun of them (sorry mom), they stick. 

You can’t try to control the things you can’t control. Everything in moderation!    Go find your manners and put them on.

And my personal favorite:

Attitude change, like, NOW!

She mainly referred to our attitude when we were being mean, selfish, greedy little monsters, or as she would refer to us, nasty girls. I’m laughing as I write this and I think my sister will be too. I can still hear her saying this; she would be in the kitchen while I was on the other side of the house, or maybe upstairs stomping up and down the hall trying to make my point, throwing an absolute fit like every teenage girl does, and she would be YELLING “Um attitude change, like, NOW!”. 

There are moments when this catch phrase of my mother’s would relate very well to my life now. I’ve grown from the girl who used to slam doors and demand whatever I wanted at the time, a new piercing, or shoes, maybe I wanted to paint my room for the umpteenth time. I’ve grown into a 25 year old who has a great full time job in Marketing as a Senior Account Manager derived from three degrees. I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend Sam, so much that we moved from NYC to Seattle to begin a new adventure together. I’m a girl that has a deep love for her puppy, often referred to as her baby, don’t judge, you would too if you don’t already. I’ve grown into someone that takes pride in her health, friendships and hobbies. I’m a girl that spends Friday night playing board games in bed with a glass of wine and Saturdays doing yoga or walking around the lake. I’m a girl that really cannot complain much.

I’m also a girl that works too hard and cares too much. I never wanted one of my flaws to be caring too much, but when it comes down to it, sometimes you just need to let the pieces fall where they will and have confidence that a greater being, whatever it may be, is steering the ship with purpose. I’m someone who takes everything too personally and then I spiral my thoughts into a massive snowball that’s running down a mountain getting bigger and bigger ready to crash into whatever is in its path. I’m a girl that has mini breakdowns when the dishes are piled up with crusty food in them and the stove is covered in pots and pans from last night’s dishes. I’m a girl that sniffs out stress in any and all situations and feels the physical side effects deep within. 

If only I could pause, take a deep breath, and change my attitude (light bulb turns on).

Because in reality, my thoughts are my own, and as mother says, you can’t control what you can’t control, but I can control my mind. I could prevent letting my thoughts bubble up and bursting. I can control my reaction to the kitchen being over the line of acceptable (a line I draw, which I can also control!). I can control my emotions before I enter into a stressful state. 

But it’s hard. I’ve learned over the last year that I’m not the only one I know having a hard time figuring out life. Shocker, I know!! So why not share my ups and my down? I recently read the book Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis and she mentions how she wants the inside to match the outside. She asks why can’t the smile she forces and the laughter echo inside of her? We are so tuned to follow the standardize definition of cool, happy, skinny, strong, normal, that has been set by society. I say screw that. I want to set my own definitions, damnit! I think that crocheting is cool, and homemaking cards with rubber stamps is happiness. I think that skinny doesn’t mean strong and strong doesn’t mean skinny. I think normal is a terrible adjective, I really do. Try to define it and then let’s talk.  

If you’re resonating with anything I’m saying then this has purpose. Whether it is to make you laugh (with me or at me, your opinion of me is none of my business - thank you very much Rachel), or to give you hope and guidance. I want to express my crazy feelings and ebbs and flows I face and share what I do to get through them. Or maybe I just want to share the bomb ass maple cayenne shrimp I made the other night. I really don’t have a theme! But such is life right? 

To start, I’m going to do a 30 day meditation challenge: meditate daily for at least 5 minutes. Maybe this will be a total fluke, I highly doubt it because I’m a firm believer in breath setting the soundtrack to your life. I’m hopeful this will help me slow down, help me be in the present. I wish this lets me feel my feelings and accept them and control them. I don’t think this will be easy, but I do think it will be helpful. I want to create mindfulness and a sense of grounding. I want to be steadily unbalanced and I want to be okay with it. 

Main shout outs for getting this going would be my big sister, for always feeling my feelings with me and never turning away from them. My mom for instilling crazy quotes in my life that I still live by subconsciously. My boyfriend for thinking this is too good to be a blog and instead I should write a book, bless your soul babe. Strong women in my life (shout out Meg and Claire) for not once making this seem like a silly idea. “Vulnerability is scary but speaks volumes to others”. 

- J