I just had the most vivid vision come to me like the oracle of Delphi and it’s Shane and Hayden going to do that little head bonk except they’re saying goodbye after a dinner and they’re decidedly not at the rink or wearing helmets and both of them are a second too late curbing their natural reflexes and just straight up bonk each other really hard on the noggin and both go ‘ow fuck ow’. Ilya is watching from the car lovingly wondering if Hayden’s idiocy is infectious.
Make no mistake, Ilya and Shane are fully co-obsessed. Sure, Ilya's all "freckles 🤤" but Shane is JUST AS DOWN BAD, POSSIBLY EVEN MORE
Shane jerked off on Draft Day thinking of Ilya because Ilya TOUCHED HIS FINGERS TWICE.
FINGERS.
TWICE.
NONE OF THAT PHRASE IS A EUPHEMISM
A FULL YEAR LATER, Shane's all "hey man, let's just forget about this." Then Ilya adjusts his towel a lil and Shane says "1410, fuck me up bro." No second thoughts. Dickmatized by the MEMORY of Ilya jacking it in the shower.
Ilya says "more" and Shane's all "fuck germs, Imma spray this phallic metaphor STRAIGHT DOWN MY THROAT, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS."
Shane KNOWS hotel rooms have shitty soundproofing and that Scott Hunter is RIGHT NEXT DOOR and Ilya LEFT HIM IN THE GODDAMN HALL and Shane is still "sir yes sir" when Ilya orders him to his knees.
EVEN ILYA WASN'T PREPARED FOR THAT. CANONICALLY.
Ilya dicks Shane down SO GOOD the first time they hook up in Montreal that Shane sits his FRESHLY USED ASS on THESE COLD CONCRETE STAIRS, listens to Ilya mock his Olympic dreams, AND STILL LOOKS AT HIM LIKE THIS ARE YOU FKN KIDDING ME
Ilya ghosts him for six months, says "suck my dick" as a hello, makes Shane BEG in a PUBLIC BATHROOM and Shane still WHIMPERS when Ilya says "well actually let's play a game."
This is not the face of tolerance my peeps, this is straight up OBSESSION.
"We didn't even kiss" but come October IT'S NOT JUST LAUNDRY GETTING FOLDED OVER THE COUCH AMIRITE?!
IN TLG Shane drives two hours on the worst roads in Canada WITH A PLUG IN HIS BUSSY B/C ILYA WORE A MINISKIRT FFS
"It's not the sex Alice, " yes I hear the objections so ok, let's talk ridiculousness.
Shane gives up the diet he's made HAYDEN AND JACKI commit to for SIX YEARS because Ilya says "I'll make you a delicious but actually horrendous sammich."
Shane sees Ilya lick ONE GIRL'S EAR AND HAS A TOTAL MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A CLUB. IN MONTREAL. The quintessential Canadian experience.
Ilya promises chocolate bars to a buncha kids, tells Shane (in his geometric dick shirt) to pay for it AND HE DOES BECAUSE ILYA LOOKS CUTE PLAYING WITH KIDS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
THE HOSPITAL SCENE OMFG.
On the left, Shane before Ilya arrives, on the right, Shane after. HE LITERALLY COMES TO LIFE.
When Ilya comes to the hospital, Shane is so doped up he has no inhibitions. What's his first repsonse?!? "EEEELLLYAAA" at a volume that might actually be a noise violation.
Ilya is like, "discretion, my sweet broken nerd," and Shane is like "NAH BRUH, LET ME ANNOUNCE HOW MUCH I NEED YOU AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS HURRAY FOR FOIP IMMA TELL ALL THESE NURSES ABOUT HOW MUCH I WANNA SNUGGLE YOU ILYA ROZANOV CAPTAIN OF THE RAIDERS AND MY GREATEST RIVAL"
In TLG?! Shane says, no dogs, Ilya says, well actually we are dog parents now and Shane's like "bet. Leave your pet chaos in my home permanently despite the fact you're hardly ever here. Your child is our child. I have always loved dogs."
Yeah, Shane's a private person but don't you think, once they can be public, Shane isn't within three feet of Ilya at all times they're in the same space? Like THOSE couples at the restaurant? You know them. Disgustingly in love. No sense of decorum at all.
Shane was all full contact foot touches when THEY WERE PLAYING IT SECRET.
WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK HE'LL BE NORMAL WHEN THEY CAN BE OPEN ABOUT THINGS.
Shane ran across like seven football fields and the fuckin Laurentians IN A TOWEL WHEN SOMEONE SAID ILYA'S NAME WHEN THEY WERE STILL "SUPER SEKRIT LOVAHS."
"Maybe he's sick" "nope, I'd know because I was suckin his cock before the game, i took his temperature WITH MY TONSILS."
The only thing keeping this dork's love life a secret is heteronormativty and the alarming rate of CTE in professional men's hockey.
You think he's recovered from this once HE CAN ACTUALLY JUST BE HONESTLY OBSESSY MESSY?! Oh nay nay, HE WILL BE SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE. He will be attached to Ilya's belt loops at all times.
Shane is so fucking obsessed with Ilya it's unbelievable. Honestly the least believable thing to me about TLG (and I get it, for story beats) is that Shane isn't continually checking Ilya's Insta.
(In my headcanon, Shane avoids Ilya's social media because it makes him miss Ilya too much. MY HEADCANON YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND)
The man was watching tape of Ilya before his voice cracked. Ilya is the boy he wanted when they were still children on separate continents. Shane was excited about Ilya before he even knew he was into dudes. They were both obsessed before they even met, and it never stops.
It's fun to imagine Shane being huffy because Ilya fucked up the dishwasher or something, just cuz angy kitten Shane is always a party. But never for a moment think Shane merely tolerates Ilya.
LOOK AT THE PHOTOS I POSTED. SHANE'S FACE IS NOT THE FACE OF TOLERANCE, PEOPLE. OR EVEN ACCEPTANCE
This is OBSESSION. There's nothing tolerant here, this is full on "I CELEBRATE YOUR EXISTENCE. MY LIFE MEANT NOTHING BEFORE YOU AND WILL MEAN NOTHING WHEN YOU ARE GONE. ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED IS YOU."
Shane is DOWN HORRENDOUS for everything Ilya does. Don't ever doubt it.
they have an argument and ilya closes his eyes the entire time because he knows that if he opens them shane will look at him like 🥺🥺🥺and ilya knows he would crumble instantly
struck by the concept of the hollanders on a little weekend vacay somewhere and ilya is steering his husband back into the house they all rented together after he somehow got absolutely shitfaced at brunch and shane is alllllll smiles baby he is really feeling the love. he's untangling himself from ilya's arms to wrap his massive self and his silly little vacation shirt so so gently and sweetly around yuna the second he sees her like "hiiii mama", content hums and drunk, closed eyes. yuna loves this of course. and ilya is standing there just happy he managed to coax his wonderful free-spirited husband down out of that tree before that lady called the cops again.
(david is somewhere in the background on the couch during all this, peering casually at the scene over the tops of his reading glasses.)
ilya very kindly unwraps shane from his mother and is all "oké time for nap" despite the fact that it is exactly 11:43 in the afternoon and shane puts up a fuss about how ilya said he would play soccer with him when they got back which is something ilya said but it was mostly to get shane out of that tree and now shane is calling him names and whining at yuna that he isn't being fair and ilya should be annoyed but he thinks maybe this is the most happy he's ever been in three hundred years, even as shane gives him the cute bitchy eyebrows and calls him a "lying fuckface"
"be nice to your husband, kiddo." (david. who has gone back to his newspaper.)
idk. something about the easy family of it all.
(shane passes out into deep, bear-snore sleep twelve seconds after his head hits the pillow btw)
it's tragic that ilya is so good at hockey cause in another life he would've had a youtube channel where he posted low quality videos ranking all the energy drinks in the world
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