Nyarghs and Serious

[fuckyeahshuthefuckup]

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Talking to your parents on the phone

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True story.

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A public apology

This is directed to those who have or may eventually have the unfortunate luck of facing me when discussing feels.

I’m not a veteran of discussing the topic of emotions or any emotionally charged topic in general. It’s simply not something in my comfort zone as historically I’ve preferred to keep a cautious distance from discussing such topics. This is no longer the case. I had the surprise of my life when I was informed that an assortment of people I met had assumed that I was an extrovert. I’ve gone through high school and life in general with various notions about myself, but my inherent introverted character is something I have yet to doubt.

After the comment about my alleged extrovertism, I took a step back and reevaluated on how I’ve changed since college began. Not too unexpected I suppose, being as people had frequently told me college was the time where one ‘discovers oneself”, whatever that may entail. I realized that I have indeed changed much with the advent of college, but to characterize the changes as simply becoming more awkward open would be insufficient. Explicating my college life in excruciatingly detail would be rather tedious for both you and I though so I’ll skip that to the more specific reason for this post, that is, the title.

When I discuss anything regarding emotions whether it be about myself or an emotionally charged issue on the behalf of another, I may be a little…jaded. I’ve noted that I’m quite inept at communication accurately my feelings, whether it be out of social ineptitude or a preconceived disdain of emotional attachment thanks to my former apathetic mentality, I simply struggle to be as empathetic as I’d like. And to those around me who have been disappointed as a result of such failings, a thousand suns of apologies.

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hi!!

Hello! It’s been quite a while, but never forget you have my undying r3$p3ct. 

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So I ditched my politics class the other day. Completely unintentionally.

My bus arrived at the classroom unit and as I got up, I was instantly pulled back down by an inscrutable force. A brief moment of confusion was instantly replaced by the horrifying realization of what had occurred. My backpack had hooked inexplicable hooked onto some protrusion from the seat of the chair. I worked furiously at locating the source of my consternation, but in the end I could only watch helplessly as other students descended from the bus towards lecture in a timely manner before the door closed.

If any of you guys watch HIMYM, there was an episode where Barney was stuck on the subway because his legs were paralyzed and simply looped around New York for a good chunk of the episode. That was the first comparison that came to mind when the doors slammed shut.

I unhooked myself within seconds, but alas it was too late. The bus continued on it’s loop around campus and even decommisioned upon completion, resulting in a 30 minute delay before I could arrive at class. I figured it wasn’t worth it anymore and retreated to my dorm. Afterwards I found out it also happened to be one of the rare days the professor decided to take attendance.

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Rambulling

Downside of New Years resolutions, the gym needs more Lebensraum. 

But really, there is little need to overpopulate the gym for these two weeks if all the effort is for naught. But hey maybe I'm just being cynical. 

And maybe I haven't been making too many D jokes. 

On the bright side though, it really is inspiring seeing senior citizens that are yolked  how so many folks find various ways of motivation for their various goals. All in the name of furthering self-like. But actually doe, as the quarter starts, I've been experimenting with different ways of motivation for the oh-so-miserable winter quarter. I've essentially backed off LoL, SC2 and various pastimes not for the sake of increased efficiency, well, maybe a little, but for some reason they're just not as appealing lately. Maybe it's a sign of increased maturity that I'm actually being productive instead of gaming. 

Hopefully it's just a phase

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Giving Up

It's a rare sentiment that encourages me to capitulate to something. Especially with my ardent belief that enough time and effort invested into a  will pay off. I used to perceive that belief as a cliche form of encouragement, but in recent years I've really come to appreciate cliches. Most cliches obtained their accompanied derision for a good reason after all. 

But in this scenario, I've come to realize that regardless of time, effort, or emotional investment, there's no success to be achieved. I've been made more frustrated and at times angrier than I've ever been for a very long time this past week and upon reflection, it was for the greater good. Because those rare instances of non-mellowness assisted in my obtaining closure in the long run. I despise being unnecessarily vague or sentimental on tumblr or simply in general, so I apologize for the necessary ambiguity here now. 

What I AM content with though is that the difference with this instance is that I didn't "resolve" it by smothering the problem with intentional apathy. I managed to admit "welp, tried my best, failed, sucks".  Hooray for quasi-maturity! 

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New Year, Better D.

Better decisions that is...decisions. 

With the passing of another year, the standard reflections and passing of resolutions occurs. Admittedly this is relatively late, but the spirit of the new year is maintained regardless. With each passing year, my skepticism at my ability to follow through with  each resolution grows, but at the same time, I acknowledge that some progress is made. Posting my resolutions creates some vague sense of accountability for myself in my mind, and for that reason I'll continue these until I become nothing but a cynical husk. 

1. Increase spontaneity.  Some of my greatest regrets occurred in 2012, and a majority of these were a result of hesitation and retreating to comfort zones. Although this resolution seems to be a recurring theme in my list of self-improvements, this last year has made the issue all the more apparent. So expect more #yolo in the future. 

2. Write more, a lot more. I bought a notebook and a nice pen to accompany it recently so I can write stories whenever I find inspiration. My lack of writing classes coupled with a significant decline in posts on tumblr has made for a visible stagnation of my writing ability, thus compelling the need for alternative methods of improvement. 

3. Have Ambition I've written a lot about apathy in the past, and although having apathy as a constant mindset has served it's purpose, it's time as a monopolist is nearing it's end. I believe apathy in moderation or simply well controlled doses is beneficial, but lately I feel that apathy has been leaking into my academic life and subsequently diminishing ambition. Not only in academia, but in general, I think now is as good as a time as any to cease intentional apathy for the greater good*.  

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Always. 

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It's rather disorienting when I can't scroll for more than several seconds down my dashboard without seeing that smile doe quote. 

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steven zhaowaowaowaowaoweebeeweebee heavy bass

My street name. 

[pleatedjeans]

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Summer so far

I don’t have an excuse for letting this blog waste away in inactivity but Minecraft laziness, so I’ll apologize for current sloth and future sloth.

Here’s an update on summer frolicking.

Nerf guns galore! Cards! A relapse into Minecraft and other assorted video games! Assuming various symbols of adulthood such as credit cards, Safeway membership cards and driving related icons! Excessive usage of the term “woohoo!” and “gr8”! Beginning a 4000 daily calorie diet! Parkour! Avocados! Tutoring! More nerf guns! People! Being less serious!

I figured that adding an exclamation mark makes everything seem more exciting than it actually was!. Some of these may be worthy of future expansion.

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LOOOOL thanks for making me laugh

Nyargh I try

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Pragmatism

It's something that I've been trying to lower my intake of, since excess pragmatism takes away yolo chances for spontaneity, but I feel that graduation was in fact a time where realism had to come into play. Along with all the stuff about confronting leaving the relative shelter of Cupertino, there's the acknowledgement that there's no real need for excess sadness upon graduating. The past four years have been memorable, for all the flaws of high school and the moments where I cursed the educational system for eternity, I've definitely warmed to it. Not out of a begrudging respect for the knowledge I've gained, but out of the relationships developed. 

Which makes the inevitable loss of relationships that is soon to occur all the more tragic, but I haven't been mourning that too much either. As I had discussed with the wise Hong several months back, as unique as each friend we make is, very few people possess characters that are unique enough to be irreplacable. That may seem overly depressing as hell  pessimistic, but in application does make sense. Wit, friendliness, quirkiness, it may not be the exact same with newly found friends, but to insist on having exact copies of previous friends would be equivalent to announcing one's being a misanthrope for the rest of college. 

Before I get out of hand though, I'll save the extensive post about friendship and frustration later. The intent of this post was to thoroughly reflect on high school, which I now know isn't necessary. I may feel the urge to post about various captivating sentimental adventures later, but for now, this shall suffice. 

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"However history remembers me, it will only remember a fraction of the truth" -Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

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Steven of the Ferocious Fohawk! *insert dramatic theme song

I've had my fair share of inappropriate  odd nicknames, but this is certainly...new. 

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Because yolo

I spent this Saturday unproductive for most part, so I decided to redeem myself with an act of productivity that occurs extremely rarely. This would be a decision that I usually regret, but this time would end up as a situation of exceptional regret. 

A haircut. 

Several months ago, Rodney had given me the number for his specialized barber that one could only obtain through appointment which to me, was a glimpse into the world of fashion and luxury. So I made the appointment, met the legendary barber he had spoken so highly of, and sat down. As he inquired to my preference for haircut, I simply replied "shorter". But then his earlier mentioning of his proficiency at a certain type of haircut echoed through my mind and one word echoed through my mind, "yolo". 

And that's how I have a fauxhawk right now.