Autism vs functioning labels vs masking
Heya. I did some writing about functioning vs. masking, I wanted to share it here even if I don't share it anywhere else. I hope other people can relate to these feelings, this is how I experience masking as a late diagnosed adult.
My autism mask is heavy but familiar. The years I have spent building it have made it thick with layers.
I wear my autism mask often without realising at first. It has been carefully constructed to mimic my face. It's not always easy to distinguish.
The mask isn't "more" or better than I am. It doesn't do anything to a more skillful level than my own. It's a mask and it possesses no magic powers.
My mask instead is trying to be prettier than I am. It thinks constantly about the outside world. It monitors and scans for the most appropriate answer and the most social interaction with the people who it may come across.
My mask chooses words for me before I have understood them. My mask is anxiously pacing, it is desperate for attention. Your approval means the world to my mask, before we've even decided if we want it.
My mask is brittle and heavy. I wear it without realising, until my pulse is racing. Anxiety begins to race through me. Yet all I see is my own face reflecting back at me, perfectly matched.
Under my mask there is a different form of me.
This me doesn't make words so easily. This me hesitates before making up my mind. This me doesn't know the right answers. Under my mask, this me has been gasping for air. Pale and faint from the lack of sunlight. Underexposed and hesitant.
My mask is far brighter and shinier. My mask is more decisive. My mask is so familiar.
My mask isn't a real person. My mask doesn't really listen, my mask is always thinking always talking always calculating always thinking. Within the mask I never have to stop.
Underneath my mask, I am hidden.
