So I had an interesting and horrible experience today that I must speak about. I am currently looking for Vorellix and haven't taken it in a few days. My dad is assisting me with it for which I am very grateful because he is a doctor and has experience in this field.
Last night we were speaking about the front gate and how I needed a key for it. It was not the end of the world but we had discussed this many times before. At the moment the back staircase is unstable because the wood is being replaced. Only I use it all the time so it is hard to explain to people why it keeps causing me injuries. But the person who added the wooden boards to it was lazy and didn't want to mix cement. What he did was just add a few wooden planks as support and built a staircase over it. It was unstable and always creaked, sagged and wobbled.
I would always hurt my left Achilles tendon on it and eventually my parents agreed to redo it, for which I am very grateful. This brings us to today.
When I woke up, I took my ADHD medication and put some clothes in the washing machine. Then I tried to go upstairs through the front entrance and veranda. I was afraid that my mum had not left the key on the gate. When I got there, I noticed that the key was indeed not on the gate. This made me fly into a rage that I felt I didn't have much control over and things spiralled.
I was banging on the gate hoping that someone was there to open it for me even though I knew that nobody was there. Then I went back down the stairs, and started slamming the gate at the bottom of the staircase until the latch bent backwards. I tried to secure it in place and continued going back downstairs. I opened the other gate, the circular padlock is not something I really mind but when I'm stressed it becomes annoying because there are so many locks and doors and gates. So I slammed that gate shut. I latched the stable-style door and then I was faced with another door and gate combination. I unlatched that gate and then kicked that stable door in frustration. Thankfully it didn't have a lock that was slow to get through. Then I walked into the downstairs area and was met with another stable door. This one had a latch on the wall that was loose and because it irritated me to open and close, I started kicking the bottom part of the door until it was in pieces. I felt so angry with myself for doing that that when I climbed up the broken staircase and got inside the house, I started banging another stable door against the wall until it broke in half. This sudden shock calmed me down a bit and I realised that I had broken two doors and damaged another, as well as a gate.
I felt so stupid and pathetic and hopeless and out of control for doing that. And the worst part is that because I had heard my mum's car leaving, I was worried that she had not left the key on the front door's gate and I should rather just go upstairs through the back staircase. And if I had done that, then I could have avoided all of this unnecessary rage and other negativity.
I am feeling a bit better now but still like what the actual fuck. I must speak to my psychiatrist about this. I always think about the term "violence without a victim" because I know I have a tendency to slam doors. And when I was younger (school age) to throw objects. Apparently I also used to get into fights as a primary and pre-school age kid and hit older cousins when I was a few years old. So this is a thing that goes back. I have a tendency to respond really badly to things like this. As an adult I know that I won't do that but I am still really upset with myself for reacting so poorly. I really do try to be good. And yesterday was such a good day.
I feel better now, what is done is done. But for fucks sake, I wish I didn't do these things.
