Stirred, Not Shaken

"All the empathy of a child with a magnifying glass."

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Melisandre Just Went to Sleep. Here’s Why That’s a Big Deal:

So uh the final scene of Game of Thrones’ season six premiere was... interesting. It was finally confirmed that the Red Lady Melisandre was much older than she appears, which has been a popular theory for a while. However, she also did something that no one saw coming: at the end of the episode, Melisandre gets into bed and goes to sleep.

Why is this important? In the books, it’s a pretty big deal that Melisandre is not a normal person with normal person needs. In A Dance With Dragons, Jon Snow questions if Melisandre even sleeps and Melisandre herself basically confirms this a few chapters later, “Dawn. Another day is given us, R'hllor be praised. The terrors of the night recede. Melisandre had spent the night in her chair by the fire, as she often did. With Stannis gone, her bed saw little use. She had no time for sleep, with the weight of the world upon her shoulders.”

Melisandre’s faith in the Lord of Light protects her from earthly needs like sleep and aging and even feeling cold. This entire episode subtly emphasizes the fact that Melisandre has lost her faith. You might also have noticed that when Melisandre visits Davos, she’s wearing a coat for the first time ever. She no longer believes that the Lord of Light will keep her warm. Melisandre is broken which might sound like a bad thing, but it could also be the key to resurrecting Jon Snow...

In season 3, the Red Priest Thoros of Myr talks about reviving his brother in arms Beric Dondarrion, “I knelt beside his cold body, and said the old words. Not because I believed in them, but... he was my friend. And he was dead. And they were the only words I knew. And for the first time in my life, the Lord replied. Beric's eyes opened. And I knew the truth: our God is the one true God... and all men must serve Him.”

Thoros was only able to resurrect his friend once he reached rock bottom. The Lord of Light tests its followers. It’s easy to have faith when things are going well, but faith in the face of evidence to the contrary is what the Lord of Light rewards. Melisandre needs to be broken. This is a consistent theme throughout the Song of Ice and Fire. Dany’s guiding principle is the prophecy, “To reach the west, you must go east.” In other words, it’s always darkest before the dawn.

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An early draft of ‘Batman v Superman’

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How Did a Jamaican Crab Become Personal Adviser to a Danish Merking?

As a kid, one of my biggest issues with The Little Mermaid (besides the fact Ariel went from barely being able to walk to straight up dancing in only two days) was Sebastian. Was he a crab or a lobster? Why was he was such a buzzkill? And how did he travel all the way from the Caribbean to Europe?

It’s a little over 5,000 miles from Jamaica to Denmark where The Little Mermaid takes place. Even if Sebastian walked in a straight line, this would take a while.

According my George Costanza like knowledge of marine biology and the Disney Wiki, Sebastian is most likely a “Jamaican Red Crab” or a Gecarcinus ruricola. G. ruricola can scuttle anywhere from 2.2 to 4.5 miles per hour. Let’s split the difference and estimate that Sebastian scuttled at an average of 3.35 mph during his trip. We also know that his species is extremely nocturnal (according to one study, “even the slightest light caused the crabs to halt burrowing activity and retreat back into burrows”) which allots a minimal amount of travel time. Assuming a generous 8 hours of scuttling every day, it would still take at least six months to travel from the Caribbean to Northern Europe.

Thanks to the prequel, The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Beginning, we know that Sebastian has been in Atlantica for anywhere from 2 to 4 years by the events of the original Little Mermaid (probably more given the fact Sebastian had enough time establish himself as King Triton’s attache).

G. ruricola reach maturity at around age five. So assuming Sebastian left home immediately after becoming an adult, spent half a year traveling to Denmark (hell of a gap year by the way), and spent the next four years living in Atlantica where he earned a position as King Triton’s advisor, this would mean Sebastian is about nine and a half years old at the start of The Little Mermaid.

The average lifespan of a G. ruricola is only about ten years which means that Sebastian doesn’t have that long to live and certainly wouldn’t have enough time for the return journey home.

It’s also important to point out that G. ruricola are a terrestrial species of crab. So in a way, Sebastian abandoned the land for the sea, mirroring Ariel’s own story. This also explains why he’s so opposed to Ariel traveling to the surface. Sebastian knows that he himself will never have enough time to return to Jamaica. He regrets abandoning his home and he wants to save Ariel from a similar fate.

Huh, so maybe we know why he’s such a buzzkill.

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Daenerys Targaryen Legally Can’t Rule Westeros

Something that’s always bothered me about Game of Thrones is all the love for Daenerys Targaryen. Now that Jon has been Olly’d and Arya spent the last year training for the Braavosi curling championships (sweep sweep sweep), Dany is the clear cut fan favorite. Ask anyone who they’re rooting for and they’ll tell you, “dragon lady!”

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the appeal. She’s not dead, she has dragons, and she has sex with pirates; everything you’re looking for in a potential regal figure (take notes, Queen Elizabeth). But there’s just one problem: Daenerys Targaryen has no legal claim on the Iron Throne.

I’m not going to point out that there are rulers with a better claim (although there are) or that Westeros has a long and complicated history with women on the Iron Throne (although it does), but I want to draw attention to the fact that Dany has been disinherited from the line of succession based on a single historical precedent: Aerion Brightflame.

Prince Aerion Targaryen was the older brother of Aegon and Aemon Targaryen (who you might remember was Maester of the Night’s Watch). Aerion Brightflame as he called himself (more on that in a second) was better known by the less flattering moniker “Aerion the Monstrous.”

Aerion was arrogant and cruel. When he was young, he threw his brother Aegon’s cat down a well. Another time, Aerion snuck into Aegon’s bed and held a knife to his genitals. He threatened to cut off his brother’s junk and turn him into a woman so the two could get married. Pure crazy, right?

In 232 AC, Aerion died after drinking wildfire (the stuff that Tyrion used to blowup a goddamn navy). You see, Aerion believed that he was an actual dragon and that ingesting wildfire would unlock his true form.

So what does this have to do with Dany? Well when Aerion’s father, King Maekar I, died in 233 AC, Aerion’s son Maegor was set to inherit the throne. However, Maegor was passed over for succession. Despite the fact that Maegor was the rightful heir, a Great Council determined that Aerion had been touched by madness and agreed that the children of madness could not inherit the Iron Throne.

Daenerys is literally a child of madness. Her father, King Aerys, was the “Mad King.” The Aerion Brightflame rule was established to protect the Targaryens from themselves. In A Storm of Swords, Ser Barristan tells Daenerys, “The Targaryens have always danced too close to madness. King Jaehaerys once told me that madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land.”  Barristan witnessed first hand the danger of Targaryen insanity and recognizes the threat it poses to the stability of the realm.

As Dany treads the narrow path between firm ruler and a literal crazy person who burns people alive, fans have already started to question her own mental health. So even if Daenerys Targaryen does eventually cross the Narrow Sea, she’ll find that she has no right to rule Westeros. And with good reason.

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Who’s Really Winning The League? (Weeks 4-6)

Welcome to Who’s Really Winning The League where we try to separate the Shiva Bowl contenders from the Sacko Bowl shit sippers. Before we get started, let’s cover the ground rules:

1. Thanks to a conversation with a stripper in the season two premier, we know that the scoring settings are standard, not PPR.

2. Initially, the each team’s roster will be based on screenshots of the draft, but as the season progresses, trades and add/drops will change the teams. For each week, we will use the most recent version of the roster, based on whatever moves happened in that week’s episode. Which leads me to the next rule…

3. We have to accept we don’t see every move on screen. For example, if Kevin drafts Matthew Stafford and then the next episode, we see that Stafford is on Ruxin’s team, then we know that a move has occurred off camera.

4. Unless we know for sure that one character played a specific player, we will set the best possible lineup every week. This rewards teams for having better benches, and really just saves me from having to figure out who the hell Ruxin or Taco would start.

5. Unless a specific match-up is stated (e.g. Kevin vs. Andre), then we will just assume the best teams won each week. The four teams in the top half will be awarded a win and the the four teams in the bottom half will get a loss.

What I find most interesting about this project is fact the standings have remained pretty consistent compared to last year with Jenny and Russell leading the way, Andre and Ruxin in the middle of the pack, and Taco, Pete, and Kevin towards the bottom of the standings:

1 Russell (6-0, 482 points)

Russell remains the league’s only undefeated team thanks to his studly wide receivers (Julio Jones and DeAndre Hopkins) and solid supporting cast. Fun fact, as I was going through the teams this week, I realized that both Kevin and Russell drafted Vincent Jackson. Since Russell picked him earlier, I have to defer to the sex addict.

2 Jenny (5-1, 540 points)

For what it’s worth, I think Jenny has the best team in the league: a top tier QB (Andy Dalton), a top tier TE (Rob Gronkowski), a top tier RB (Matt Forte), and a couple of super slotty receivers (Julian Edelman and Randall Cobb).

3 Andre (4-2, 542 points)

Last episode, Andre and Meegan argued about starting Brandin Cooks or Mike Evans, before Meegan subbed in Evans at the last minute. Turned out to be a huge mistake since the Bucs were on Bye. Despite the blunder, Andre won that week and has actually scored the most points in the league thanks to his deep 14 player roster.

4 Ruxin (3-3, 489 points)

Ruxin’s team is incredibly frustrating. The talent it there (Eddie Lacy, LeSean McCoy, Odell Beckham Jr., Jimmy Graham), but the results are not. If his players can live up their ability, he’s my dark horse to win the Shiva.

5 Pete (2-4, 488 points)

After our last update, I was ready to rosterbate over Pete’s team (Aaron Rodgers? Le'Veon Bell? A.J. Green? Amari Cooper? Keenan Allen? Hnnnnng), but then Pete traded Allen to Ruxin and this move has absolutely killed his depth. Unfortunately, we have no idea what Pete received in return and until we get another glimpse of his roster, he’ll be left starting players like Davante Adams every week.

6 Kevin (2-4, 422 points)

Kevin has had a couple good weeks thanks to Jamaal Charles, Latavius Murray, Brandon Marshall, and Antonio Brown, but Charles’ injury means that he’ll need Ameer Abdullah step up and overcome his fumbling issues moving forward.

7 Taco (2-4, 334 points)

I actually think Taco has the worst team in the league because of his Three Kicker Strategy. His team lacks depth and Ryan Tannehill, Melvin Gordon, Roddy White, and even Marshawn Lynch to a certain extent have all been busts. The one bright spot on his roster has been the NY Jets Defense.

8 The Coin (0-6, 247 points)

In Week 4, The Coin only had three players that put points on the board for a total score of 29. That pretty much sums up their season. A lack of depth and a rash of injuries (Andrew Luck, Joique Bell, Jordy Nelson, Dez Bryant) have all but eliminated The Coin from the playoffs.

Full a full breakdown of the draft, each team’s current roster, and the weekly scores, you can check out the “Who’s Really Winning The League?” spreadsheet.

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Who’s Really Winning The League? (Weeks 1-3)

That’s right folks, it’s fantasy football season, but more importantly it’s fantasy, fantasy football season. Last year, I ran the “Quest for the Shiva” to figure out who was really suppose to win season six of The League and Ted’s beach house (Jenny). And because I have way too much free time, I’ve decided to do it again.

If you were not with us last year, we’ve got a couple ground rules to cover:

1. Thanks to a conversation with a stripper in the season two premier, we know that the scoring settings are standard, not PPR.

2. Initially, the each team’s roster will be based on screenshots of the draft, but as the season progresses, trades and add/drops will change the teams. For each week, we will use the most recent version of the roster, based on whatever moves happened in that week’s episode. Which leads me to the next rule…

3. We have to accept we don’t see every move on screen. For example, if Kevin drafts Matthew Stafford and then the next episode, we see that Stafford is on Ruxin’s team, then we know that a move has occurred off camera.

4. Unless we know for sure that one character played a specific player, we will set the best possible lineup every week. This rewards teams for having better benches, and really just saves me from having to figure out who the hell Ruxin or Taco would start. 

5. Unless a specific match-up is stated (e.g. Kevin vs. Andre), then we will just assume the best teams won each week. The four teams in the top half will be awarded a win and the the four teams in the bottom half will get a loss.

Alright leggo. Full a full breakdown of the draft, each team’s current roster, and the weekly scores, you can check out the "Who’s Really Winning The League?” spreadsheet. Here are the Current Standings:

1. Jenny (3-0, 339 points)

There’s absolutely no shame in this slotty team. Jenny’s team is by far the deepest in the league. One of two players able to field a complete team each week, Jenny also has a backup QB and TE, allowing her to play the matchups accordingly.

2. Russell (3-0, 298 points)

Despite a disappointing start by his RBs (*cough* Murray *cough* Stewart), Russell has remained perfect thanks to his stellar WR core headlined by Julio Jones and Larry Fitzgerald. Also, Russell’s QB is Russell Wilson, which I just think is funny.

3. Ruxin (2-1, 268 points)

The only other team with a complete roster, Ruxin’s season hinges on health. If Eddie Lacy and LeSean McCoy get healthy and the Seahawks can get Jimmy Graham more involved in the passing game, then he should be able to compete for the Shiva.

4. Pete (1-2, 284 points)

Pete has studs at every position with Aaron Rodgers, Le’Veon Bell, A.J. Green, Keenan Allen, and Amari Cooper. Now that Bell’s suspension is over, Pete’s team should be a force to be reckoned with.

5. Andre (1-2, 253 points)

Andre has a deep bench and some solid (although disappointing) WRs in Demaryius Thomas, Mike Evans, and Calvin Johnson, but his RB situation leaves a lot to be desired. He really needs Arian Foster to come back soon.

6. Kevin (1-2, 250 points)

Kevin’s team has been performing well. Antonio Brown, Brandon Marshall, Jamaal Charles, and Latavius Murray have all lived up to or exceeded preseason expectations, but Kevin has been really hampered by his incomplete roster. He’s missing a tight end, defense, kicker, and quarterback (now that Drew Brees is injured).

7. Taco (1-2, 241 points)

Last year, Taco finished with a respectable 7-7 record thanks to a bold “Zero RB” strategy. This year, Taco has once again pushed the envelope drafting a bench comprised of only kickers. 

8. The Coin (0-3, 172 points)

Some fans are predicting that “The Coin” would be the final winner of the Shiva, but at this point it’s more likely that The Coin is headed for the Sacko Bowl. Disappointing starts by Andrew Luck, T.Y. Hilton, and Joique Bell plus serious injuries to Dez Bryant and Jordy Nelson have sunk The Coin’s season.

So you do you think will win The League?

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Chandler Predicted "Game of Thrones"

In the season two episode of Friends, “The One With the List,” Chandler improvises a short story for Rachel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O50EzkkPvOw

“It was summer,” Chandler says, “And it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. ‘Oh look!’ cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever. The end.”

To which Ross replies, “That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!”

“The One with the List” first aired in 1995, a year before “A Game of Thrones” was published.

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7 Biggest Draft Fuck Ups of All-Time

It’s easy to look back with hindsight and laugh at some of the horrible draft picks in sports history. Sam Bowie. Ryan Leaf. JaMarcus Russell. But some moves are so laughably bad that they left people wondering, “What the hell just happened?”

Canadian Football Team Drafts Dead Player (Twice) During the fifth round of the 1996 draft, the Montreal Alouettes attempted to select Defensive End James Eggink from Northern Illinois. However, the team was later informed that Eggink had passed away four months earlier after a battle with cancer. This wasn't the first time this had happened either. A year earlier, the Ottawa Rough Riders tried to pick another deceased Defensive End, Derrell Robertson who had also passed away that December.

Chicago Bears Accidentally Draft Player After He Tests Positive for Cocaine In the 6th round of the 1991 NFL draft, the Chicago Bears decided to take a flier on a college standout RB Darren “Tank” Lewis. The only problem? Lewis had tested positive for cocaine during the draft combine. According to Bears’ Personnel Director Bill Tobin, “It was told to me that someone had tested positive. I marked the wrong player. I made a mistake.” In the end, the Bears decided to give Lewis a chance. Throughout his career Lewis was largely unproductive and in 2014 he was sentenced to 25 years in prison for armed robbery.

The Two Stefan Nilssons In the 1988 NHL draft, the Vancouver Canucks surprised the league when they drafted 20 year old Swedish forward Stefan Nilsson. This outraged the Calgary Flames who, earlier that day, had also selected 20 year old Swedish forward Stefan Nilsson. They asked the league for an explanation and were told that there were two 20 year old Stefan Nilssons and the Flames had accidentally picked the wrong one.

Buffalo Sabres Draft Fake Player In 1974, the NHL draft would keep going as long as teams wanted to continue selecting players. By the 11th round, Buffalo Sabres GM George "Punch" Imlach had had enough. With the 183rd pick the Sabres selected Taro Tsujimoto, a Japanese player that Imlach had made up. Imlach asked a secretary to research common Japanese names, even assigning Tsujimoto to a fictional Japanese team, the Tokyo Katanas (literally "Tokyo Sabres"). For weeks the media hounded Imalch about the arrival of his Japanese sensation before he fessed up to his prank. However, this was far from a harmless prank. Included in the list of players selected after Taro Tsujimoto were Dave Lumley (who played for nine years and won two Stanley Cups) and Stefan Persson (a four time Stanley Cup champion).

Redskins Draft Ineligible Player (Twice) The Washington Redskins spent two first round picks on a guy that would never play a down in the NFL. In 1946, the Redskins were amazed that UCLA Running Back Cal Rossi was still available at their ninth pick. After the Redkins selected Rossi, they were told that he was only a junior and wasn't actually eligible for the draft. Not to be deterred, the Redskins again selected Rossi in the first round of the 1947 draft. However, Rossi had made it clear that he had no intention to play in the NFL and declined a spot with the Redskins.

Buccaneers Select Bo Jackson (After Trying to Ruin His Life) In 1986, Bo Jackson was one of the top college athletes and was a coveted prospect by both NFL and MLB teams. However when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers selected Jackson with the #1 overall pick in the 1986 NFL draft, Jackson opted to play baseball instead because he believed the team intentionally sabotaged his career.

While still in college, the Jackson was being courted by many teams including the Bucs, “I expected to play football at the professional level, and I had taken a few trips to visit some teams during baseball season of my senior year... I thought I had the OK to get on a plane that Buccaneers owner Hugh Culverhouse set up. So I got on the jet and went to Tampa Bay for a visit." After Jackson returned from the trip, he was told that the Bucs had not cleared the flight with the NCAA and Jackson would be ruled ineligible from college sports.

According to Jackson, the Bucs thought that if they could ruin his baseball career, then he would be more likely to play football. However, their plan backfired spectacularly as Jackson was selected in the fourth round of the MLB draft by the Kansas City Royals. Jackson would eventually play in the NFL with the LA Raiders and became the only two sport All-Star in history.

Buccaneers Pick Wrong Guy After Microphone Malfunctions Four years before the Bo Jackson incident, the Buccaneers held the 17th pick in the NFL draft. While on the phone with an NFL representative, Buccaneers Personnell Director Ken Herock was debating between two players: Sean Farrell and Booker Reese. Herock eventually decided to pick Booker Reese, but the phone connection was so bad that all the NFL rep could hear was "Sean Farrell" and "turn in the card".

After making their selection, the Bucs' war room was shocked when Farrell's name was announced by the NFL. The Bucs then scrambled to try and get Reese. They called the Chicago Bears and offered their first round selection in the next draft in exchange for the Bear's second round pick. The Buccaneers eventually got their man in the second round, but Reese turned out to be a huge bust. Two years later Reese was traded to the LA Rams in exchange for a 12th round draft pick. Had they held onto their first round pick, the Buccaneers could have selected six-time Pro Bowler Joey Brown or a Hall of Famer like Dan Marino or Darrell Green.

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13 'Game of Thrones' Easter Eggs You Probably Missed

How many of these references and inside jokes have you caught?

I wrote this!

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Who is Nissa Nissa?

(Spoilers from S05E09!)

A couple weeks ago, I wrote post entitled “Why Stannis is the Mannis” and after last night’s episode, a lot of fans are left wondering, what the hell just happened?

Many book readers are convinced that Stannis (Our Stannis. The Real Stannis. The Book Stannis) would never do this. During a Dance With Dragons, he scoffs at the idea of sacrificing anyone, “Half my army is made up of unbelievers,” he says, “I will have no burnings. Pray harder.” Stannis tells Davos that if he dies during the Battle of Winterfell that he’s to “avenge my death, and seat my daughter on the Iron Throne. Or die in the attempt.” In the books, Shireen is left at The Wall specifically because a siege is a dangerous place for the heir to the Iron Throne.

So then why would Stannis sacrifice his daughter? Because Shireen is Nissa Nissa.

Early in a Clash of Kings, Salladhor Saan tells Davos about the forging of Lighbringer, the legendary sword of Azor Ahai who first defeated the Others thousands of years ago.

“So you know the tale of the forging of Lightbringer? I shall tell it to you. It was when darkness lay heavy on the world. To oppose it, the hero must have a hero’s blade, oh, like none that had ever been. And so for thirty days and thirty nights Azor Ahai labored sleeplessly in the temple, forging a blade in the sacred fires. Heat and hammer and fold, heat and hammer and fold, oh, yes, until the sword was done. Yet when he plunged it into the water to temper the steal it burst asunder.

“Being a hero, it was not too much for him to shrug and go in search of excellent grapes such as these, so he began. The second time it took him fifty days and fifty nights, and this sword seemed even finer than the first. Azor Ahai captured a lion, to temper the blade by plunging it through the beast’s red heart, but once more the steel shattered and split. Great was his woe and great was his sorrow, for he knew what he must do.

“A hundred days and a hundred nights he labored on the third blade, and as it glowed white-hot in the sacred fires, he summoned his wife. ‘Nissa Nissa,’ he said to her, for that was her name, ‘bare your breast, and know that I love you best of all that is in this world.’ She did this thing, why I cannot say, and Azor Ahai thrust the smoking sword through her living heart. It is said that her cry of anguish and ecstasy left a crack across the face of the moon, but her blood and her soul and her strength and her courage all went into the steel. Such is the tale of the forging of Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes.”

First Azor Ahai tempers the sword in water. Then he tempers it with the blood of a lion. Finally, he sacrifices his wife, the thing that he loves “best of all that is in this world” and then, and only then, is he able to create Lightbringer.

Stannis tries three times to win the Iron Throne. First Stannis fails in his assault of King’s Landing and is broken on the waters of Blackwater Bay. Then he uses blood magic to kill the lion Joffrey Baratheon. Finally, Stannis sacrifices Shireen, his daughter, the thing he loves best of all that is in this world, his Nissa Nissa, because he believes this is the only way to save the Seven Kingdoms and fulfill his destiny.

The bitter irony is that Stannis might not even be Azor Ahai. He sacrifices his daughter to save the lives of millions of people, to win the Iron Throne, and defeat the Others. He makes a decision that no human being should ever have to make. And it was probably all for nothing.

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Who Is the Night’s King?

“He had been the thirteenth man to lead the Night's Watch, she said; a warrior who knew no fear. 'And that was the fault in him,' she would add, 'for all men must know fear.” - Bran, A Storm of Swords

“We Free Folk have our stories, too. About how one of your King Crows found something cold in the woods, with bright blue eyes. How he brought her home through your Wall and declared himself 'Night's King'." - Ygritte, The Night’s Watch History

According to legend, the Night’s King was once the Thirteenth Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch who broke his sacred vows after he fell in love with an Other, a woman "with skin as white as the moon and eyes like blue stars" and “skin was cold as ice.” He took the woman as his wife, declared himself the Night’s King and ruled the Wall from his castle at the Nightfort. His reign lasted for thirteen years before he was defeated by Brandon the Breaker (the King of Winter and Lord of Winterfell) and Joramun (the King-Beyond-the-Wall).

Old Nan tells Bran that while many claim the Night’s King was a northerner, possibly a Bolton, an Umber, a Flint, a Norrey, or a Woodfoot, she believes he was a Stark of Winterfell.

Not much else is known about the leader of the White Walkers, but there is a really cool theory about Stannis and the Night’s King (Warning Book Spoilers!).

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Littlefinger is the Hero Westeros Needs

Littlefinger is scheming, manipulative, and overall just a really creepy guy, but he's not a evil. Littlefinger represents the medieval merchant class; he's capitalist. He's not bad guy, in fact he stands against everything that makes Westeros crappy like nepotism, incompetence, and lack of accountability. He believes a man's success should be determined by their individual skills rather than their family name. Tyrion notes that instead of appointing highborn men to manage the throne's finances, Littlegfiner chooses the most able men, "And in the process, he moved his own men into place. The Keepers of the Keys were his, all four. The King's Counter and the King of Scales were men he named. The officers in charge of all three mints. Harbormasters, tax farmers, custom sergeants, wool factors, toll collectors, pursers, wine factors; nine of every ten belonged to Littlefinger. They were men of middling birth, by and large, merchant's sons, lesser lordlings, sometimes even foreigners, but judging from the results, far more able than their highborn predecessors." He represents a burgeoning capitalist revolution and without the rise of guys like Littlefinger in Europe, feudalism never would have fallen. Aegon’s Conquest. The Dance of the Dragons. Robert’s Rebellion. The Greyjoy Rebellion. The War of the Five Kings. Westerosi history is an endless cycle of power struggles and internal conflict. Until a man like Littlefinger comes along to topple the Monarchy, then Westeros will be doomed to repeat this bloody history ad infinitum. Feudalism by nature breeds war and instability and in my mind, Littlefinger’s vision of a enlightened, capitalist Westeros is the only thing that can save the Seven Kingdoms.

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How Game of Thrones Ruined Loras Tyrell

Loras Tyrell is one of my favorite characters in the series. He’s so cool. He’s arrogant and reckless and he’s one of the best fighters in Westeros. He’s got swagger and he’s able to back up. In A Feast For Crows, he tells Cersei, “Give me the command, Your Grace. The castle will be yours within a fortnight if I have to tear it down with my bare hands.” In the books, Loras is this badass knight who happens to be gay, but in the show, his sexuality is his entire identity.

Loras is meant to be The Kingslayer come again. Littlefinger tells Sansa, “Under all his flowers and finery, Ser Loras is as hot tempered as Jaime Lannister. Toss Joffrey, Margaery and Loras into a pot, and you've got the makings for Kingslayer stew.”

Even Jaime himself agrees, “He's me. I am speaking to myself, as I was, all cocksure arrogance and empty chivalry. This is what it does to you, to be too good too young.” Later Jaime comments that Loras, “Is proud and reckless and full of piss...” This depiction Loras is missing from the show, where the Knight of Flowers is barely a knight. In the show, Loras isn’t a member of the Kingsguard and the last time we see Show Loras fight someone was Brienne in season 2. And he lost.

More than anything else, Book Loras actually loves Renly, “I will defend King Tommen with all my strength, I swear it. I will give my life for his if need be. But I will never betray Renly, by word or deed. He was the king that should have been. He was the best of them.” After Renly’s death, Loras tells Tyrion, “When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.” However, in the show, Loras immediately jumps into bed with another man and continues fucking his way through King’s Landing.

In fact, the only times Loras is seen or heard about is when he’s either having sex with men or when someone makes a joke about him having sex with men.  Game of Thrones transformed one of the coolest characters in the series into a caricature of a human being. Show Loras is one-dimensional and he lacks the internal conflict that makes Loras Tyrell so interesting.

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From the Cutting Room Floor: Baffling Dick Moves That Won Actual Lawsuits

I recently had an article publish on Cracked.com, “5 Baffling Dick Moves That Won Actual Lawsuits”. In TV land a guy can get off on murder charges because stabbing is a form of protected free speech. But that stuff won’t work in the real world, right? Actually yes, it turns out that the legal world is really that insane.  Unlike most the other entries on my Cracked list, I have to admire this guy’s brass balls.

Man Rewrites the Terms of his Bank Contract

In 2008, Russian man Dmitry Agarkov was disappointed in the terms of his credit card from Tinkoff Credit Systems and decided to make some changes to the contract. Agarkov scanned the bank’s credit agreement, amended the fine print with his own terms and sent it back to the bank. However, the bank failed to read Agarkov's changes and actually sent him a credit card after approving the request.

Some of the highlights of Agarkov’s amendments include 0 percent interest rates and no fees (you know, the things banks use to make a profit). In the contract, the bank also agreed to provide Agarkov an unlimited line of credit.  According to Agarkov’s lawyer, "The opened credit line was unlimited. He could afford to buy an island somewhere in Malaysia, and the bank would have to pay for it by law.” This is how supervillains are born.

After two years, the Tinkoff Credit Systems closed Agarkov’s card for defaulting on his payments. In 2012, the bank tried to take Agarkov to court for 45,000 rubles ($1,363) which included late fees and interest. However, Agarkov’s lawyers argued that the contract he wrote was completely valid. The court agreed and Agarkov was only required to pay the principal, 19,000 rubles ($575).

"They signed the documents without looking. They said what usually their borrowers say in court: 'We have not read it,'” said Agarkov’s representative Dmitry Mikhalevich while his client probably thrust his nut sack at a nearby authority figure.

Still this victory wasn’t enough to satisfy Agarkov’s desire to stick to the man. He also included in the contract various penalties for breach of contract and is currently countersuing the bank for 30 million rubles (approximately $909,000). Agarkov probably needs the money to buy a mansion to store his testicles.

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Is Joffrey Really Evil?

Note: This post contains spoilers from last season of Game of Thrones so if you’re not caught up, I recommend you finish season 4 and then come back and read this post.

Alright, so this time last year, the internet was celebrating the Purple Wedding and the downfall of Joffrey Baratheon (slash Lannister), one of the most cruel and disgusting characters of all time, but I wonder was he really all that bad?

Now, I’m not saying Joffrey was good person. He was a sociopath and his death was probably best for the realm, but I think more than any other character in the Song of Ice and Fire, Joffrey was a victim of circumstance.

Born of incest, Joffrey was particularly susceptible to insanity, “Madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a new Targaryen is born, the gods toss the coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land.”

As a child, Joffrey craved nothing more than the love and attention of his father, an abusive drunk. When he was younger, Joffrey killed a pregnant cat because he wanted to show Robert the kittens inside. At best this is a simple misunderstanding of basic biology and at worst, it’s an early sign of mental illness. Either way, this is a delicate situation that requires a delicate solution. But how does Robert respond? He punches Joffrey in the face so hard that he loses two of his baby teeth. It’s never explained to Joffrey that what he did was wrong.

And his mother isn’t much better. Cersei spoils Joffrey, teaches him to want for nothing, and allows (and possibly even encourages) him to physically (and some argue sexually) abuse Tommen. If Joffrey truly is a monster, it’s because he parents made him a monster.

When he wrote the Purple Wedding, George R. R. Martin wanted readers to feel bad for the young king, “I think Joffrey is a classic 13-year-old bully. Do you know many 13-year-old kids you’d like to give absolute power to? There’s a cruelty in children, especially children of a certain age, that you see in junior high and middle school. We don’t want 13-year-old bullies to be put to death. We probably do when we’re their 13-year-old victims, but they grow up and most of them grow out of it, and sometimes people do regret their actions. But Joffrey will never get that chance, so we don’t know what he would have become. Probably nothing good, but still…”

In the end, Joffrey didn’t die because of his honor, like Ned or Robb, or because of his hubris like Oberyn, Joffrey died because he was born into the wrong family. He was spoiled, but abused; a victim of neglect who was encouraged to take his anger out on others. Joffrey wasn’t a villain, he was a victim. He was a sad, angry 13-year-old boy who died, never understanding why his father didn’t love him.

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Why Stannis is the Mannis

I recently wrote an article for Mental Floss, “9 Popular Game of Thrones Fan Theories,” so I wanted take a minute to talk about the series and one of the show’s most under appreciated characters: Stannis Baratheon.  Among fans, Stannis is often seen as a dick (presumably because of all his people burning and teeth grinding), but in my mind he’s one of the most noble characters in the series.

"I never asked for this crown. Gold is cold and heavy on the head, but so long as I am the king, I have a duty.”

What Ned is to honor, Stannis is to duty. He's a man who holds such strong convictions. Unlike the other participants in the War of the Five Kings, he has no desire for power. He doesn't want the Iron Throne because he wants to be King, but rather fights for it reluctantly because it is his by right and it is his duty to protect the realm and save it from darkness.

While the other "Kings" were throwing parties (Renly) or shooting hookers with crossbows (Joffrey), Stannis was the only one to answer the Nights Watch's call for help, "I was trying to win the throne to save the kingdom, when I should have been trying to save the kingdom to win the throne." He cares about the future of the realm and desires to lead because he believes he alone can save the Seven Kingdoms from the Great Other.

His whole life, Stannis has done his duty. When Robert raised up in rebellion, Stannis struggled with the decision to support his brother, "Aerys, if you only knew… that was a hard choosing. My blood or my liege. My brother or my king." Choosing Robert was a hard decision from him and one he didn't take lightly. During the war, he held Storm's End for a year while his men ate the dead and when his castle was taken from him and given to Renly, he didn't complain, but rather continued to serve his brother to the best of his abilities.

Plus, he's just all around a badass, "Kings have no friends, only subjects and enemies." I mean, how cool is that?

One of the main complaints I hear about Stannis is that he follows the Red God, but Stannis doesn't believe in Gods, "I stopped believing in gods the day I saw the Windproud break up across the bay. Any gods so monstrous as to drown my mother and father would never have my worship, I vowed. In King’s Landing, the High Septon would prattle at me of how all justice and goodness flowed from the Seven, but all I ever saw of either was made by men." Stannis only believes in one thing: Duty.

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From the Cutting Room Floor: Mental Floss

I recently wrote an article for Mental Floss about Simpsons fan theories. Well here are three more conspiracy theories that prove Simpsons fans are absolutely insane:

Simpsons predicted the Syrian War. Last year, an Egyptian news station began reporting that The Simpsons contains "proof that the war in Syria and the Arab Spring revolutions were an American conspiracy." The story is referring to the 2001 episode New Kids on the Bleach (the one where Bart joins a boyband). In the episode, there is an image of flag that bears a striking resemblance to the flag of the Syrian opposition.

According to the news anchor, "This is from 2001 – before there was such a thing called the ‘Syrian opposition.’ The flag was created before the events took place. That’s why people are saying on Facebook that this is a conspiracy. In 2001, there was no such thing as the flag of the Syrian opposition…This raises many question marks about what happened in the Arab Spring revolutions and about when this global conspiracy began."

Simpsons predicted the Ebola outbreak. In the season 9 episode Lisa's Sax (1997) Marge reads a book called 'Curious George and the Ebola Virus' to a sick Bart.

When she asks if he wants to color a picture, Bart then points to a crudely drawn picture of himself being stabbed with a Sun that cries blood. Internet conspiracy theorists believe this is a direct reference to the 2014 Ebola outbreak, despite the fact that the disease was first discovered in 1976.

Simpsons predicted 9/11. One of the most well-known Simpsons conspiracy theories states that the show predicted the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center. This theory comes from the season 9 episode The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson where the Simpsons travel to New York City to retrieve the family car. This is one of the only episodes featuring New York and conspiracy theorists believe the following image provides proof that the show's creators knew about the terror attacks.

If nothing else, this connection is eerie and the episode has been either been removed from syndication or heavily edited in future broadcasts.