Cosmic Funnies
Xuebing Du
Today's Document
Stranger Things
pixel skylines
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
ojovivo
occasionally subtle
h
Game of Thrones Daily
Not today Justin
Sweet Seals For You, Always
noise dept.
Claire Keane
roma★
Misplaced Lens Cap
hello vonnie
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
$LAYYYTER
No title available
seen from South Korea
seen from United States
seen from Australia
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from T1
seen from South Africa
seen from Hong Kong SAR China
seen from Germany
seen from Netherlands
seen from Malaysia
seen from Singapore
seen from T1
seen from Singapore
seen from Türkiye
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seen from United States
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@strawberrynargles
i guess what ppl dont tell u about college is that is a very lonesome period of ur life. and that doesnt mean like u wont have lots of friends or u wont party or whatever but ur going to spend so much time alone. like cooking by yourself and studying n homework and driving and going to classes like……… its just you sometimes. and the trick is to use that time by yourself to relax and understand YOU better and iron out your own wants n wishes instead of wallowing
This is the funniest thing to ever happen to me.
for y’all who are also bad at math but too lazy to bust out a calculator: 45 weeks is eleven months, just to make it clear how much she’s fucking with him
none of yall know what propaganda actually is, do you?
this is legitimately the absolute funniest thing anyone has ever added to one of my posts, thank you for your service
[ID: text seen as; ‘(JULY IS OVER AND THERE’S VERY LITTLE TRACE)’
a poem by Frank O’Hara]
source
Some of my Pokémon hot takes
remember way back in 2006 when the wii first came out and then the entirety of the world forgot how to hold onto something with a firm grasp so much that nintendo had to make a shock absorbing condom just so that tvs wouldnt get destroyed when people would end up sending this thing flying at their tvs at 900 miles per hour
those shock absorbtion condoms were my #1 choice of Things To Chew On in my youth
me, wearing nothing but a sheer plunge-neck ballgown that’s plastered to my skin from the rain, soaking wet and trembling with cold and fatigue as i stand outside the entrance to the castle: p-please help me ;) i’m s-so lost and s-scared ;) ;) i have no where to stay for the night ;) ;) ;)
the sexy vampire lady who answered the door, and to whom the castle belongs: of course ;) you poor thing ;) ;) come inside, you must be freezing… you may stay as long as you need to recover from your ordeal ;) ;) ;)
You walked up to that house in the rain on purpose
garfield be like
Did I ever tell you guys the story about how my ex-boyfriend nearly became the first person to die in a duel in England in over 100 years whilst duelling my then-boyfriend??
Okay so. In the interest of their privacy I’ll be referring to them by the initials of their first names, so R and B respectively.
Now, I’m one of those people who has always somehow managed to remain pretty good friends with most of his exes, so after dating for close to two years, R and I break up, mutually, and remain close. I’m also pretty good at picking them, so when I get together with B a few months later, I’m pleased that neither of them are weird about me still being close friends with R.
Skip to like 7 months later. Me and B move in together, into a tiny, crappy house in probably the most toxic residential area in Europe. We had a view of a used car place from our bedroom window and a view of another used car place from the back bedroom window. There was also the soft, comforting glow of a chemical plant nearby, which I’m pretty sure gave the soil the same PH level as vinegar, but whatever. Rent was cheap, and they let us have our kitten, Renly.
So we throw this housewarming party. A bunch of friends are there, R included, and everyone is drinking and having a good time.
Now, some background on B; I dated him, which means obviously he had some weird interests. So he’s a history nerd, and part of being a history nerd means he has few really cool 19th century sabres and things. They’re mostly blunt, except for one, which he keeps sharp in case anyone ever breaks in. We were in a rough area, so it was a pretty good idea.
Unfortunately though, they’re all kept together.
So after a few more drinks R and B get talking, and they start to discuss the sabres - only to discover that they both have a background in fencing. They think this is fantastic.
That’s when they decide to duel. They both grab a sabre, very much convinced they’re blunt, and take to the garden for an impromptu fencing match.
So I’m standing there, the most sober person in the house, watching this happen and thinking maybe it isn’t a great idea. They give it a good go, they’re both pretty good, and everyone is cheering them on. It seems harmless enough, they’re joking about duelling over me.
Suddenly though, R stops abruptly, and says, with deadly calm; ‘Oh, I think you got me there.’
Before B can ask if he’s okay R has lifted up one arm and a huge gush of blood comes pouring out. Like, everywhere. This is like that scene from The Shining. Blood all over him, all over the ground, it’s a mess. B looks like he’s about to pass out, he’s already imagining how badly he’ll do in prison, and everyone else is too stunned to do anything. Turns out B didn’t pick up a blunt sabre afterall.
Then R faints. We get him into a chair and I’m fortunately quick thinking - I get a tea towel and wrap it around his arm to stop the blood as best as I can. I then call for an ambulance.
Obviously they have to send the police as well because ‘someone got stabbed with a sword’ doesn’t fly too well. So the ambulance crew arrives, and a police car arrives. When asked what happened I said ‘They were duelling and he got caught by accident’ the police’s response was a long pause, and then to just laugh and say ‘wear armour next time!’ (Can you tell we have white privilege???)
So I’m still in a state of shock whilst R is getting wheeled out on a stretcher. Apparently another police car overheard what happened on the radio and was so fascinated that they showed up ‘just to watch’ because it was a slow night. This is a cop car full of really young rookies, it looks like fucking Mumford and Sons just turned up at our house in uniforms.
During all of this our kitten, Renly, gets out because the doors are all open with people coming and going.
So it’s 2:00AM, and this is the current situation:
- B is crying because he doesn’t want to go to jail for manslaughter and also he’s worried he killed his friend.
- There’s a bunch of police officers in our kitchen drinking tea and eating our biscuits.
- Officers Mumford and Sons are in the used car place outside our house trying to lure our 14 week old kitten out from under a car.
- R is nearly unconscious in the back of an ambulance.
- The neighbours, who had previously been dicks to us, are now terrifyingly quiet because they think B is a dangerous man who goes about stabbing people with swords.
So I get into the ambulance to go to the hospital with R, who is full on delirious at this point from blood-loss and morphine. I was planning to have a fancy dress ‘Game Of Thrones’ themed birthday party that year, and the last thing R says to me before passing out completely is ‘It’s a shame he didn’t get my hand or I could’ve come to your party as Jaime Lannister’.
Anyway he gets to the trauma ward and he’s okay. He lost quite a lot of blood and needed a transfusion. He now has a big scar there.
He came over once he got out of hospital with pizza and we all laughed about it. We’re still friends.
He and B both tell that story to everyone who’ll listen, and I get to boast that I’m the pretty twink who had two men nearly fight to the death over me.
Since Netflix seems to have barely promoted this is a friendly reminder that queer eye season 4 is out today
I love not wearing makeup!! I love coming in from the sun and being able to splash water on my face to cool down!! I love being able to rub my eyes if they’re itchy!! I love seeing my bare face so often that I’m used to it and it looks normal and good!! I love being able to hug people tight without worrying that I’m gonna get foundation on their shirt!! I love being able to just exist without having to be constantly aware of gunk on my face!!
I!! love!! Not!! Wearing!! Makeup!!
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a positivity post discussing the benefits of not wearing makeup, must attract approximately 7 million apologists for the cosmetics industry all telling you to not be quite so happy that it makes them feel insecure
Ladies let’s SCRATCH OUR EYELIDS GENTLY if they’re itchy and not have to fear the smears
An accurate example on how media take words out of context
Grow the fuck up
Me, looking over the architecture plans for my evil organization’s base: “Hmm. Looks good, but there’s just one one problem. The vents need to be bigger. Make those air ducts easily accessible and large and strong enough for a well-muscled adult man to crawl through them.”
Henchman: “Isn’t that a security risk?”
Me: “What? No. Also, make sure they form an unbroken connection between all the most important rooms in my lair.”
Me: “Actually, now that I think about it, why not add plush carpeting to the floor of the air ducts? Something soft and cushioning beneath knees. Can you place drinking fountains throughout? Maybe scatter some protein bars.”
Henchman: “Um… boss?
Me: “And one of those motivational posters! Is the ‘hang in there’ kitten too cheesy? Maybe… maybe I should leave handwritten notes taped to the walls. Flowers? Is flowers too much? What about tic-tacs?”
Henchman: “Jesus, boss! Do you want me to go ahead and hang up an artistic nude oil painting of you in the air ducts?”
Me: “Ooh. Do you paint?!”
Excuse me…?! Why, I never! Who do you think you are? Don’t be ridiculous. Why would you think such a thing? Disgusting. You have such a filthy, depraved mind. Gross! Ew! Ew ew ew! I built this death trap to KILL my nemesis. That’s why I included a deactivation switch in easy reach. And sexy, sexy straps… so that I can see that they’re not hiding any secret weapons, of course! I’m all business. I’m all about business. Now, get out of my sight. I need to take a bath with my nicest bath bomb and scented oils.
Henchman: “Are you alright, boss?”
Me: “Hm? Yes, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”
Henchman: “Well. I mean. You’ve been listening to ‘Genghis Khan’ by Miike Snow on repeat for sixteen loops while watching yourself sexy-cry in front of a mirror.”
Me: “And?”
Henchman: “Sir, have you… considered making an online dating profile?”
Me: “Uh, no. What for?”
Henchman: “I just thought it might make it easier to, you know… meet cute guys.”
Me: “Don’t patronize me, you useless fool. I know how to meet cute guys. That’s easy! You just take the mayor hostage or build a bomb that looks like your face and they come running.”
Henchman: “Okay, okay, fair enough, you know how to meet cute guys. But what about getting them to stay? I really think an online dating profile could help with that.”
Me: “It’s not MY fault they’re always carrying lockpicks!”
Me: “Well. It’s happened again. He left me… he shot me in the leg… I just don’t know what he wants anymore!”
Henchman: “Perhaps you should learn to take a hint, sir.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Henchman: “Well, I think ‘a bullet’ is a pretty strong hint that he’s just not into you.”
Me: “How can you be sure of that?! He’s so wily and complicated. He uses bullets all the time - it could mean anything!”
Henchman: “Sir, do you know why I continue working for you after all these years?”
Me: “….job security?”
Henchman: “No.”
Me: “The atmosphere?”
Henchman: “God, no.”
Me: “The… uh. Retirement benefits…?”
Henchman: “You’ve got to be kidding me…. ugh! Just shut up and remove your pants so I can dig that bullet out.”
Me: “I can’t believe this! My own right-hand man, betraying me in my hour of triumph! After all this time—why, you back-stabbing snake?! I made you! I brought you to glory! You could have had everything you dreamed of and more… why turn on me now?! You viper! You scorpion!”
Henchman: “‘Why’? Well, my lord, because there’s only one ‘love language’ you seem to understand.”
Me: “Ha! I speak all the Romance languages fluently, snake. I am exceptionally well-educated.”
Henchman: “And yet you are a miserable fool. I am tired of this charade. Step away from the doomsday machine and fight me.”
Me: “But it’s… we made this together… it was important to us…”
Henchman: “I can’t let you activate it, sir. I have a world to save.”
Me: “That’s not your job! That’s his job!”
Henchman: “He isn’t here right now. I am. You may be oblivious, but surely you’ve noticed that.”
Me: “Are you… are you suggesting…”
Henchman: “Coffee? No. That’s not your style. There’s a laser tag arena down the street, I could sneak in some adult beverages, we could see where a little competition take us, and… well…”
Me: “This is so fast, I… I don’t know what to think…”
Henchman: “Give yourself time. Sure, you could destroy the world, but if you do that, if you press that button, there won’t be any more laser tag. No more retro discotheques, either. In the immortal words of ABBA, take a chance on me…”
before there was Space Emperor…
Really, at this point Disney should just double down and cast Idris Elba as King Triton. I mean, they’ve already got him on a multi-picture contract, he’s an experienced green-screen actor (which is important because we all know “live action” means “90% CGI”), we have hard evidence that he can rock a big grey beard, and he’s literally the dadliest man in Hollywood.
Petition to do this and then give Triton his own entire movie.
I have no dog in this fight and don’t plan on seeing any Disney versions of this movie but fuck yes all this.
black women own the power of cosplay
QUEENS
people really unfollowed me for posting this like get your racist trash off my blog I don’t need your follow
