So, I’ve decided to write this vent post to voice all my feelings and worries in the hope that it might help me. This will mostly just be ramblings, so I apologize for the messy structure in advance.
First off, my main struggle right now, I think. There’s so many things I want to do and ideas I want to explore, but there are just so many things I still have to do. I’ve got all my regular school stuff, which is only becoming more and more as I get closer to my final year of high school. I also have to do a week-long internship for school, which has to be arranged before the end of the month. I just don’t know where to start and where to go, as the jobs I’m interested in (stuff like game design) don’t do those kinds of internships. Companies in general don’t particularly enjoy useless sixteen years old hanging around for a week anyways, so it’s a pretty difficult task. If you then add my anxiety on top of that, you get a full-on disaster. I could probably get an internship at a somewhat interesting company through a family member, but I barely ever talk to them and I don’t even know if the company has anything other than a marketing branch (which doesn’t really interest me) in my region. I’ve wanted to ask my parents for help/advice on this for quite a while, but I can’t seem to get myself to ask them, I don’t know why, but it just terrifies me to ask them. Then, if that wasn’t enough, there’s also the fact that I still don’t have a job. I really want to work, because nearly all of my friends have had jobs for at least half a year now, and also because I’m broke all the time. But due to my disability, there aren’t that many options for me, or at least, that’s what my mind tells me. The few places that my mind did deem possible opportunities all ignored or rejected me before a face to face interview, and even though they couldn’t have possibly known about it, my head tells me it’s because of my disability. And due to my lack of energy and time, I had to put the whole job thing on hold, and I’ve kinda come to terms with that, but I’m still broke AF, so yeah.
To make this all even harder, some close friends of mine are on a school trip to Peru for two and a half weeks, and because they don’t have WiFi very often and because of the time difference, they’re not available for the entirety of the trip. Among these friends is the one person who I’d normally vent to and call when things were bad, but now I can’t. And I really feel bad for being so affected by this, because they worked really hard for this trip and totally deserve it, so whining about them being gone sounds so rude and mean. It feels like I’m blaming my misery on them, which is so wrong, because they’ve already done so much for me, and they really deserve to enjoy this trip without feeling guilty or worried. But two people from the trip already asked me to promise them to stay alive till they were back, so I guess they’re really worried anyway, which makes me feel really bad. I should stop being such a burden to them.
And lastly, my self esteem seems to be getting worse by the day. The last few days I’ve had to fight back tears every time I saw myself in the mirror. The whispers in my head telling me that I’m ugly and worthless are no longer whispers. I really hate myself, a lot.
So yeah, those are main things that I’m dealing with right now, I suppose. I really want to kill myself, but I guess I have to stay alive a little longer, because I’ve already got tickets to Avengers: Endgame and a concert in that same week. I also can’t break the promises I made to those two people, that wouldn’t be fair. I’m also afraid my death may result in the death of at least one of them. So, I’ll pull through, I guess? I really don’t want to, but I gotta.
Sorry for the lengthy post, but I needed this. I’ll try to keep it bite-sized again next time.
origamiaround
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
gummygunk