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@sunfl0w3rmel0n
The HPU characters leaving a voicemail for Harry:
Ron: Listen, mate. You need to call me back, quick. There’s loads of stuff I need to tell you, and no it can’t wait until I see you in person. Call me back on your muggle device as soon as you can.
Hermione: Harry, I know you’re probably busy, but I have to tell you about this new club idea I had. And about the book I was reading. Call me.
Neville: Hey, Harry. I just wanted to tell you about my new plant, but I guess I could just show you when I see you. Don’t bother calling me back.
Ginny: HARRY WE WON THE MATCH!!!! It’s a bugger you weren’t there. Come to the next one so I can do it again in front of you.
Luna: Harry, it seems your device isn’t working. I can’t hear you. I just wanted to see if you could renew your Quibbler subscription? We have a bunch of new creatures to tell you about.
Draco: So Potty. You can’t even answer the phone for your life partner? I need you home, now, love. I did everything around the house. Oh, and mother says hello. She’s wondering if you’ll meet up for tea one day. Don’t die. Love you.
*at a party Harry is hosting*
Ron: You have that boy wrapped around your fingers, mate.
Harry: W-what? No, I don’t!
Ron: Say his name.
Harry: *whispering* Draco.
Draco: *pops up out of nowhere* You called, darling?
Ron: See what I mean?
Luna is so sweet, yet so so very unhinged 😂
Draco: *ranting* And he doesn’t have a clue how to tie his own tie! Have you ever met somebody who didn’t know how to tie a tie, Pans? I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it! Plus, he’s such a slob, and he whines like a child when we’re f-
Pansy: Oh, stop pining. You’re obsessed. We get it already.
Draco: I aM nOt ObSeSsEd.
Pansy: *side eye*
Draco: *stuttering* In fact, I think we’re quite horribly matched, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we-
Pansy: Make sure you remember that when Harry Potter is on his knees tonight for you during your rendezvous.
Harry: I thought this was meant to be a game of things you’ve never done before.
Hermione: What about it?
Harry: I’ve done them all.
Hermione: *quickly scans card deck* Streaking?
Harry: Done it.
Hermione: Ice cube in your trousers?
Harry: Unfortunately.
Hermione: Head? Given or received.
Harry: Yes… Both.
Hermione: Pole danced? BDSM? Role play?
Harry: Yes, yes, and yes, twice.
Hermione: Who-?
Draco: Excuse me, Granger. Sorry to cut this short, but I actually need to borrow Potter for, say, the rest of the evening to attend to some business.
Hermione: But I thought we were going to play this game..?
Draco: *smirk* Oh, there are plenty of games Potter and I will be playing tonight. But between you and me, if you see Potter walking funny in the morning, no you didn’t.
*Harry and Draco chatting over lunch*
Harry: Shit!
Draco: Hey! There’s no need to curse! I already said I was sorry for kicking your leg under the table.
Harry: No. It’s not that.
Draco: Then what is it, Pottah?
Harry: Don’t look now, but my ex is right behind you.
*Draco looks around wildly*
Draco: HARRY POTTAH’S EX IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT? WHERE ON EARTH COULD THEY BE???
Draco: *Harry kicks Draco under the table* Ow!
Harry: Be quiet! They’ll hear you!
*Draco makes eye contact with somebody staring at them*
Draco: Back off, bitch! He’s mine.
Harry: No, you ponce. That isn’t my ex. That’s the waitress.
Draco: Not my fault she was giving you the goo-goo eyes.
Harry: *sigh* I can’t take you anywhere without you causing a scene.
If Draco and Pansy did that TikTok video:
(“I’m a ______, of course I ___________”)
Pansy: I’m a Slytherin, of course I annoy the Gryffindors for no good reason.
Draco: Hi, I’m Draco Malfoy-
*Turns camera off*
Pansy: No, Draco. You’re supposed to introduce yourself the same way I did, so that it sounds the same
Draco: Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot my line.
Pansy: But there are no li- Whatever, let’s just try again.
*Turns camera on*
Pansy: I’m a Slytherin, of course my marks are bad in every class led by professors from Gryffindor.
Draco: I’m Draco Malfoy. I’ve been obsessed with Pottah since the first day of school.
*Turns camera off*
Pansy: No, you prat. You’re supposed to say something relatable for all of the Slytherins.
Draco: Well, hasn’t everybody been obsessed with Pottah since his first year?
Pansy: Just say stuff that’s normal for people to hear in Slytherin, that doesn’t have anything to do with Potter, yeah?
*Turns camera on*
Pansy: I’m a Slytherin, of course my eyes are always adjusting to other lighting from looking at the green lights in my common room.
*Turns camera off*
Draco: OH! I get it now. I’ve got one.
Pansy: Make sure to start with “I’m a Slytherin” this time.
Draco: Yeah, yeah. You act like I’m slow or something.
*Turns camera on*
Draco: I’m a Slytherin, of course my father will hear about this!
*Turns camera off*
Pansy: I give up. I’m done with trying to make this TikTok.
Along with:
“You’re going out in that?”
“You fly slower than my grandmother!”
“If you’re going to force me to take photos, at least get my good side.”
“Bitch you’re just jealous he’s mineeee.”
“Put a cork in it.. NO NOT THAT POTTAH”
“We might be wizards, but you’ll still have to sweep me off my feet the old fashioned way.”
“A man as beautiful and sexy as I am? I don’t know how I’m still waiting for somebody to put a ring on it.”
“Bitch. please.”
“Back off girl he has a bf.”
“AHHH A SPIDERRR!!”
“I know I’m pretty. Next, please.”
Monday Snippet (Late)
A huge thank you to the amazing @soliblomst for the tag on this! Your writing is so inspiring and I’m so grateful for the inspiration you’ve given me to write my newest fic after such a long hiatus!
Anyways, here is a snippet of my current WIP, which will be posted on my AO3 with the title, “When We’re Older.” It is a fic about how Harry and Draco had been friends as children, but Harry did not remember it because he had been obliviated to forget his childhood best friend. The spell, however, was not overly effective, and when the two boys are forced into talking to each other, trying to settle their differences, Draco begins to say things that Harry can’t help but feel he’s heard before. The fic starts immediately after eighth year and continues throughout the course of Auror and Healer training, while looking back on memories of his eight years at Hogwarts. The childhood friendship comes back to Harry with a series of visions and dreams that all seem to feature a blond boy with a snobby attitude. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
Here is a snippet from Chapter 2 (which has not been looked over by my lovely beta yet, so don’t mind any errors!):
“Oh finally. This show was starting to get a little bit boring, if you ask me,” a drawling, cold voice resounded through the booth.
Everyone looked around to locate the voice, but Harry knew even before they made eye contact who had made the snide remark.
“Malfoy.”
“Potter.”
“What do you want?” Harry asked.
“To change the channel on this show, of course. It was getting depressing. There wasn’t even any snogging,” Draco Malfoy groaned.
“Change the channel?” Harry was confused.
“What? Don’t you have a television at home? Oh, of course you wouldn’t. Saint Potter doesn’t have time to watch the telly, what with all the worlds he’s saving. He’s lucky if he gets a fifteen minute break for lunchtime,” Draco jeered.
“I don’t see a television in the room, Malfoy, so you must be mistaken.”
“Why, your little lover’s reunion with Thomas, of course. I must admit, your acting was rather poor during this scene, Potter. Maybe you should take some extra lessons? Everybody knows that those scenes are accompanied by a fierce snogging sesh- except, perhaps, for you.”
“As I said, you must be mistaken. I’m not dating Dean Thomas,” Harry insisted.
“Ah, well no wonder your acting was so flat. There’s no.. what’s the word? Ah, chemistratum. There’s no chemistratum between the two of you,” Malfoy remarked.
“The word is chemistry. And of course you wouldn’t even know how to even say it properly, considering that you don’t, and never will, have it,” retorted Harry.
Malfoy looked furious. He scoffed.
“I do too have chemistry! I have so much chemistry that actors from the top productions around the country are asking me for lessons with it. You’re the one without chemistry. Maybe I should teach you.”
Harry paused. “Wait a minute. I just realized something,” Harry said.
Malfoy pretended to look shocked.
“Wow! It’s taken seventeen years of your life to have a coherent thought? I’m impressed.”
Harry could feel his blood rising. His rivalry with Draco Malfoy had always given Harry a rush that felt both exhilarating and terrifying. Harry straightened his back.
“Shut up, Malfoy.”
“On the contrary, I believe you should speak what’s on your mind, Potter.”
“Well, I was just going to say that you seem to have a great understanding of gay shows on the telly. Anything you want to admit?” Harry sneered.
It was Malfoy’s turn to gape. His pearly complexion became tinted with blobs of splotchy pink up the back of his neck and on his cheeks.
“I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about,” Malfoy stammered.
“Are you sure? Because it sounded to me like you were waiting for the snogging on your ‘show’ so that you could join in.”
Draco’s blue-grey eyes turned dark.
“Fuck you, Potter,” Draco whispered.
“I’m sure you’d love that, Malfoy,” Harry stated flatly.
Ginny: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘S’.
Hermione: *Looks around* …Snape?
Ginny: Nope
Hermione: *Looks over at Harry and Draco fighting*
Hermione: …Sexual Tension?
*Credits to original owner*
“Please do.” “What?” “What”
This is so canon it hurts. The same man who literally sat in a tree waiting (hoping) Harry would walk by so he could mock him.
How long was he in that tree for? Just picture him making Crabbe and Goyle help him up.
Pansy: you don’t even know if he’s gonna walk this way.
Draco: shut up and lift bitch
“Shut up and lift bitch” had me cackling 😂 I imagine her being flabbergasted, but not having any comeback and so she just stands there and helps him up like he ordered her to
If the wizarding world had access to iPhones, I really believe Draco would have enjoyed the new updates, mainly because he could find all sorts of sneaky ways to put Harry in his phone. Like yes, Draco, we know each of those pictures for your app icons are mini pictures of Harry doing cute stuff.
Swear I say this every time and one basket of bread later… 😐😂
“Shhh, don’t contradict a dying man.”